Episode 4: What’s Self-Love Got To Do With It?

Let’s talk about self-love and chronic pain. And I know the phrase self-love might feel uncomfortable to you, so please stay with me, because I promise you, this stuff is important. Do you know who gets inside your head more than anyone else? The answer is: YOU. Your relationship with yourself is the most impactful relationship that you will ever have — after all, the cumulative time that you spend with yourself outweighs any other relationship by a long shot. And think of the way that your other relationships affect you: For example, how does it affect your wellbeing when you’re in a relationship with a person who treats you with kindness and love? How does it affect your physical and emotional health? And now ask yourself, how does it affect your physical and emotional health when you’re in a relationship with someone who routinely cuts your down, bullies you, belittles you and criticizes you? Now that you have your answers to those questions about how your relationships with other people impact your health, multiply that impact by about a bajillion and you’ll have some sense of the degree to which your own self-talk has an impact on your physical and emotional wellbeing. And I’m gonna repeat a question that I asked in last week’s episode: Have you ever seen how a dog’s body cowers when somebody yells at them? Well, ask yourself, how many times a day are you yelling at yourself in your head, and what impact is it having on your body? The way we talk to ourselves affects our stress levels. And stress makes the nervous system feel unsafe — which can trigger symptoms like pain. For a deeper dive into how this works, you can go back to episode 2 on the mind-body connection. Unfortunately, negative self-talk is a widespread habit that gets ingrained in us by cultural patterns that are designed to train us into obeying authority rather than loving ourselves. BUT, just as those cultural patterns have trained our brains through authority and repetition, repetition, repetition… You can decide to become your own authority and retrain your brain into loving self-talk through the same pattern of consistent repetition. And if the concept of self-love makes you cringe, consider that’s a socially conditioned response.⁠ We’re all born innately loving ourselves, but we are socially taught to view self-love in a negative light.⁠ And you might want to ask yourself:⁠ When and how did I learn to cringe at the idea of loving myself?⁠ And what type of social system is that attitude about self-love designed to uphold?⁠ ⁠ Because the fact is that self-love is empowering. It protects us from being manipulated and controlled.⁠ When we are trained to view self-love negatively, that training makes us easier to manipulate and control, which is convenient to any system that’s built on a hierarchy of human worth, like, let’s say, capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, etc.⁠ But getting back to where we started, cultivating self-love and compassionate self-talk are absolutely key to healing from chronic pain and other stress-related symptoms. ⁠ So, if you’re interested in learning how to cultivate self-love, here’s a two-part journaling exercise you could try out:⁠ Part 1️.  With pen and paper, write down these words: “I love and accept myself.” Then, after you’ve written them down, notice how you feel about those words. And whatever you feel, write about it. Honestly.⁠ Part 2️. Now, project yourself five years into the future. And from the mind of your future self, with a pen and paper, complete this sentence: “Ever since I embraced self-acceptance truly and deeply, this is what life’s been like …”⁠ ⁠ Complete that sentence and just see what flows onto the page! If you try this out, I would LOVE to hear from you about what it was like! So leave me a comment and let me know. Sending all the compassion and encouragement your way. Find me at: www.annaholtzman.com and IG @anna_holtzman