Episode #43: How to navigate the tension between grief and gratitude

In this episode, we talk about the importance of grieving hurts, losses, and the hardship of 2020, so we can whole-heartedly embrace thankfulness. We break down: What hardships we're grieving  Why we feel the pressure to be thankful Our default methods for handling grief Jesus' way of practicing grief and thankfulness And what to do if you truly cannot feel thankful this season. So if you're wondering how to navigate a Thanksgiving that will -- most likely -- look and feel different than any other year, you're in the right place.  We feel heavy because we are processing and grieving: The cancer diagnosis Sending the first-born off to college Our inability to attend a funeral  The loss of getting together with friends The lack of normalcy -- like wearing masks, delayed or shortened sports seasons for our kids,  And the reality that not everyone will be able to sit around a shared table at Thanksgiving this year. We also feel the pressure to be thankful. It is Thanksgiving week after all. This is the one time of year where the spotlight is on counting our blessings and listing what we're grateful for over turkey, dressing, cornbread, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie.  Who spoils this special time of year by leading with grief and bringing up the hard times of this year? To navigate the tension between grief and gratitude, we employ quite a few coping mechanisms: We deny our grief by telling ourselves that whatever we've lost didn't really matter, it wasn't all that important, and that compared to other people, it really isn't all that bad.  We escape by overeating, over-scheduling, planning a fantasy move to Hawaii, or binge-watching The Crown on Netflix. We wear the "Mask of Thankfulness" by making a list of all our blessings and beating our hearts over the head by reminding ourselves God works all things for good.  And finally, we tell ourselves emotions are for the weak, and we need to power through and be strong for one day. For crying out loud, there's no room for pain here! So what do we do? Is it possible for gratitude and grief and hardship to intersect? Yes. And Jesus shows us the way in John 11 as Mary and Martha grieve the loss of their brother Lazarus.  Jesus sees Mary weeping. He is deeply moved. Some translations say that He got angry at death. Jesus asks a logistical question: "Where did you bury him?" And then Jesus cries. Notice what Jesus does not do:  He doesn't recite how wonderful Lazarus was and how grateful they should all be to have known him.  He doesn't wax poetic about all the good times and inside jokes.  Jesus doesn't tell them to buck up and count their blessings. He simply sits with a grieving sister and weeps with her. Does this make Jesus ungrateful? Do the tears show mistrust in God? Does His anger at death belie unbelief that good could come from this hurt? Of course not. The truth of being a human is that we can hold two competing emotions at the same time: grief and gratitude, distress and thankfulness, contrition and contentment. Jesus shows us that we don't need to bury our emotions or rush to thanksgiving.  We can: sit in our feelings,  feel them in our core,  ask Jesus to come and see our hurt, and then, from a place of trust and peace, give thanks. This is what grace does -- grace understands our humanity and comes alongside of us to work on our behalf. Grace says you can grieve. Grace says Jesus will stand with you through it. Grace says that you don't have to respond the way the calendar tells you that you're "supposed to." Grace makes a way for multiple emotions at the same time without a need to justify any of them.  And friend, when you simply cannot muster up thankfulness, when you cannot hand over the grief to Jesus, when you feel stuck in your heartache... Live in the grace that tells you that clarity, peace, rest, hope, and assurance all come in Jesus' time. You don't have to rush yourself into converting every hard thing into a thankful phrase. Know there is grace even in the grief. Key Quotes Know there is grace even in the grief. Grace says you can grieve, and Jesus will stand with you through it. Grace makes a way for multiple emotions at the same time without a need to justify any of them.  Talking to Jesus is always a good choice and always makes you feel most like yourself. Mentioned in the Podcast The FCC requires that I tell you that I'm an Amazon Affiliate, which means I earn a bit of commission on each sale. But don't worry there's no added cost to you! The Crown on Netflix The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown Learning more about Jill E. McCormick speaking to your group   Previous Episode Mentioned Episode #29: How to acknowledge your feelings but not stay stuck in them   Here's how to connect with Jill GraceInRealLifePodcast.com Instagram Facebook group Facebook page Subscribe to Jill's weekly "the good + the grace" email