Episode 6: How do I accept experiences that don't line up with my hopes and expectations? with Quinn

Send us Fan MailEpisode 6: Quinn is struggling to stay regulated when life doesn’t match her expectations--and especially when she feels different than those around her. How can she learn to let go of the fantasy of sameness, so she can live with more satisfaction in the world?Your takeaways: Focusing on the dividing lines between us and others is often a coping strategy. If you are focusing a lot on difference–how might that be protecting you? How was that useful at some point in the past? How is it useful now?We often project parental roles onto authority figures in our lives and then can experience disappointment, pain, or self-criticism when we don’t receive the perfect attunement we are unconsciously hoping for from them.  Feeling the grief of unmet childhood needs is a huge way to move through painful projection and come back to yourself.Idealization can be a coping strategy. It allows us to chase the fantasy of perfect attunement and validation from others. But ultimately idealization hurts us more than it helps us–because perfect attunement is not available in any human relationship. Real difference in relationships, although it can feel challenging, is actually additive. Others’ life experiences and perspectives enhance our own understanding of the world and can open doors to ideas, opportunities, and experiences we never have opened on our own. If you are clinging tightly to past trauma as a part of your identity, getting curious about why it’s still holding on so tightly is extremely helpful. If you are past the point where owning the victimization is still helpful–what might it need from you to let go?  When we strengthen the validating inner parent within, we tend to feel less threatened by differences we notice “out there.”Saying “someone doesn’t get me” is a fast way out of the discomfort of relating. We don’t have to try to get value out of a program or a relationship if we can find dividing lines. But then we don’t grow or benefit from the opportunity in front of us. Difference can feel alienating, but it can also feel special. If you’re feeling really attached to difference, investigate if there is an ego attachment to the specialness associated with it.