Episode 60: “Yes, You’ve Been Here Before — But You’ve Never Been Beyond” with Courtney

This week, we sit down with Courtney, who has two and a half years sober and a story that speaks to the exhausting cycle of trying, relapsing, and believing you might never actually make it out. Originally from Texas, Courtney moved to California 13 years ago in search of sobriety — a journey that took her through treatment an estimated 26 times.Courtney had managed to reach one year sober twice before, only to relapse shortly after each milestone. Looking back, she realizes much of her sobriety felt performative — something she was doing for everyone else rather than something she truly wanted for herself. Her goals were always short-term: just make it to the next milestone. But once she hit a year, she didn’t know what to do with her life beyond that point. With no vision for the future, she’d convince herself she could just go out for one day — and the cycle would begin again. As she puts it, getting high never stopped “working” for her, even though the consequences kept getting worse.Courtney also opens up about the complicated relationship with her biological father and the deep work she’s had to do in therapy to unpack how that relationship shaped her identity, her self-worth, and ultimately her addiction.When she got sober this time, life didn’t suddenly become easier. At just two months sober, Courtney found out that her long-term ex-boyfriend, Connor, had died from an overdose. Grief hit hard, and she describes much of her first year sober as a blur — sleeping through the pain while still trying to show up for a brand new job and a new relationship.Throughout her addiction, Courtney’s mom had helped her get into treatment again and again — but always with strong boundaries when Courtney was actively using. This time was different. When Courtney said she wanted to get sober again, her mom told her she would have to do it herself. Looking back, Courtney believes that shift may have been one of the reasons this sobriety stuck.Today, she takes a different approach to recovery. Courtney hasn’t taken a single sobriety chip — not because she’s not proud, but because she doesn’t want to put pressure on herself or create another milestone she feels she has to perform for. For someone who once believed she would never stay sober, simply being here today feels like a miracle.She also shares how becoming a house manager at just two months sober gave her purpose and structure during the most fragile time of her recovery. Looking back, she believes God was orchestrating things in ways she couldn’t understand at the time — placing people and opportunities in her life exactly when she needed them most to carry her through Connor’s death and into a deeper level of sobriety.One moment that changed her perspective came while sitting in detox for what she believes was the 27th time. She was reading a book when a thought unlocked in her mind:“Yes, you’ve been here before… but you’ve never been beyond.”For the first time, Courtney realized that while she had repeated the same cycle for years, she had never actually seen what life looked like past that one-year mark. And maybe — just maybe — there was a bigger life waiting for her if she stayed.Courtney’s story is about persistence, humility, and the quiet courage it takes to try again — even when you’re convinced you’ll fail. Because sometimes recovery doesn’t start with confidence… it starts with the simple willingness to go farther than you ever have before.