All right, let's do this. How are you? What the fuckers? What the fuck buddies?
What the fucking ears? Happy New Year. This is it the first show the first WTF podcast of 2016. It was a it was an okay New Year's for me.
I hope you guys had a good time. I was sleeping at midnight, not because I'm old, but because I was tired. And I just spent a quiet night with Sarah and had dinner and watched a documentary on Agnes Martin, the painter learned some stuff about truth, abstraction, and freedom of mind against the pressures and bullying of the world to find a place where you can express yourself in the purest way possible without interrupting you. Corruption or distractions.
There's a certain beauty to that. It's a funny thing about truth. It's probably real truth. When you find it, I would shut up about it, take it and use it the best way you can.
But God damn it, be quiet about it, because real truth, I think, is very quiet. And you should savor it before somebody fucking ruins your moment. Anyway, Happy New Year. A little abstract to myself, it seems, today.
Look, there's nothing I can do about background sound effects today, I don't think, because I have to be a decent neighbor. But it seems that my neighbor Adam has chosen today, today being Sunday. I do record these sometimes the day before the morning of the release, because as you know, those of you who are compulsive and a bit obsessive about my show don't know it drops somewhere in the middle of the night. So I'm not up recording live at 3 in the morning to deliver this to you, though I would if I had to.
But Adam seems to have found today to be the right day to clean out his parrot's cage and give the parrot some air out there on the deck next door, and also seemingly to play fiddle. I had no idea that Adam played fiddle. I don't even know if it's Adam, but I didn't want to get involved. People need to have the freedom to do what they're going to do.
And sometimes it's play fiddle on the deck while your parrot squawks with the joy of being out of the house for a few hours. So if you hear squawking parrots or a somewhat lyrical fiddle playing, that's because it's Sunday out here at the Cat Ranch in Highland Park, and that's what my neighbor's going to do. Now some of you might think, like, why would you put up with that for me, neighbor? Can't you ask me to quiet it down?
No, you know why? Because you've heard me sometimes at the end of the show. I tend to play a pretty loud guitar, and I'm fooling myself out here in the garage or in my house if I think that at least two or three or maybe seven of my neighbors don't hear my clunky riffing. So there comes a point where, you know, you just got to be like, all right, well, I got to do some things that require some silence, but today's fiddle day next door, and I've got to let freedom reign.
Today's David Spade day on the podcast that David and I have not really ever known each other, but certainly we've run in the same circles. I've run into him. I've met him a few times, and quite frankly, I didn't feel like we really got along, or perhaps it was all me, as usual. But we talk a little bit about that.
You know, he is the type of guy he is, and I was sort of amazed at, and I'm not really amazed. I mean, he's a good guy. He's a thoughtful guy. I just didn't, I don't know people.
I don't know people, and I make assumptions. And, you know, he's out with a book. He's got a book out. It's a memoir.
It's called Almost Interesting, and that's out now, and it was sort of, I got a real kick out of it. I mean, you know, it was a good talk, but he's a funny guy, and that's the way it is. So mark another one off the list of people I was uncomfortable and overly sensitive about previously. There's still plenty out there, apparently, people.
So how are the resolutions going, people? How is it, you know, a few days in? How are they going? I haven't made any other than to, what, the regular ones.
I got to get into shape. Maybe I should eat better. I got to treat people differently. Resolutions.
I'm going to fucking relax. That's what I do. I'm going to fucking relax. You know, I'm so, like, over the weekend, like, literally, the day after New Year's, I got caught in a couple of Twitter vortexes, and I know I've sworn off it a bit, tried to pull back a bit, but sometimes you get locked in.
And there's this idea, sometimes on Twitter and in life, is that you have to engage. Here's the deal. The beautiful thing about freedom, and the great thing about this country and life and being able to make choices for yourself, is that you don't have to fucking engage with anybody you don't want to, unless it's your job. But, like, socially, or on social networking platforms, it's like, I don't have to fucking respond to you.
Now, my problem is I'm sort of compulsive about responding to negativity, or I'm easily triggered. If you poke me a little bit, just the right insecure, angry nerve, I'll just, I'll just, just do it. I'm in. Now, I've had more success in my real life than I've had on social networking, and also, you know, on stage and everywhere else, that I'm not easily triggered, and, you know, I can't make certain decisions about my anger and my reactions.
And I do it in real life, and, you know, it's the right thing to do. But there's this weird expectation by certain types of people on Twitter, trolls aside, people with opinions. Here's the weird thing, is that, like, if you've got opinions, and they're important to your agenda and your ideology, well, why don't you just go do that? You know, fighting with other people or trying to hit them over the head with your opinion, it's not, you're not going to get through, and you're ultimately just using that person to make your point, and you're basically a bullying douchebag.
Yeah, that's the weird thing. Not just trolling, not just poking, but literally, like, hey, man, you're wrong, man. You don't know the truth. You don't want to face the facts.
It's just annoying. You know, if you have an agenda, go do your agenda. But if your agenda involves beating up on whoever disagrees with you, then that's sort of a shitty agenda. Then you're just a, you know, shitty, bullying idiot.
It's just annoying. Go serve your agenda. Go be proactive in whatever big ideas you have. If you keep pestering, you're just annoying.
And it's not that your opinion is so provocative. It's just annoying. There's a block function in real life. It's called a gotta go.
Yeah, no, no, no, no, I gotta go. That's interesting, but I gotta go. Okay, but here's what happens if you don't block. What?
Oh, really? Okay, okay. No, no, I don't really agree. Why are you following me?
Why don't you just shut up? Oh, Jesus, just shut up. And so many people out there, they're like, hey, man, this is truth. This is fact.
This is free thinking. Look, if you're a free thinker, then shut the fuck up. Go free think. And it's amazing to me how many free thinkers seem to have the same five or six fucking thoughts.
And they all need each other to have this free thinking mob mentality. Yet it's so limited. And it's the same fucking thoughts. And anybody who's a free thinker really doesn't need to say it that much.
Because if you really have freedom of mind, you wouldn't fucking talk to anybody because you'd be free. Just live the life you want to live. It isn't always the same for anybody. But you do have the freedom of mind here to make choices around, you know, how you want to live your life.
Don't let people fucking change it if you don't want it changed or fucking relentlessly. They annoy you because they just want to win. What are they going to win? Ha, showed that guy.
Yeah, man, another victory for the free thinking mob. Oof, tiring. I'll tell you, you know, I listened to Cecil Taylor record this morning. Listen to some Captain Beefheart sometimes.
Go out and look at my girlfriend's paintings. Look at some Agnes Martin paintings. You know, check in with some Rothko. A friend of mine sent me an E.E.
Cummings poem. You know, there's all these places where amazing creativity can take you, you know, above and beyond the blather and the white noise and the fucking death wallowing of the zeitgeist. The wheezing fucking death rattle of the cultural zeitgeist that kind of dumps into your brain every day as soon as you turn your fucking computer on. It's a new year.
So I guess that's a broad resolution. I'm going to try to not be infected by the death rattle of the cultural zeitgeist. There's a voice in my head that said, that's pretentious and affected. I'm not even sure it makes any sense.
Made sense to me in that moment. Yes, it did. So right now, let's go to my conversation with David Spade, the comedian. It was fun.
It was fun. I'm glad we talked. You know, when you said you were going to bring in a chair for your back, I thought it'd be something that looked more medical. That just looks like a fucking dining room chair from the 80s.
Well, I have a bad neck and so I just realized if I'm going to sit for up to an hour, I should probably just make sure I sit in something that doesn't drive me nuts because I want to focus on your show and not be squirming. What's the history of that chair? So you have to sit like that? No, any chair.
It's a problem. So this one just sort of feels good. I had it around my house. This one's not bad.
You could have managed in that chair, you think? No, I would have been a little bit of a shrug. Well, I went to sushi last night and I always sit at booths because not because I'm King Lear or Goodfellas. They're squishier and they're lower and then I can't sit on rock hard stuff.
It hurts my back, whatever. It's so boring. Wait, when did this problem occur? This happened in a...
Was it an event? It was, chapter four. It was in my stupid book. You've done enough for us to where you can cite the...
I don't know what chapter it is, but it is in there because it's an embarrassing story and it killed time. I was 15 and I was in a talent show and I was in a speech class, an motivational class. Basically, you had to be in this to get into the talent show at the end of the year. So it was a trick.
So I got in that. But then I learned speaking and they have like an ah meter when you have speeches where if you say ah, they ding and they count it. So you start to learn how to speak a little better. And then we would motivate kids.
We'd go around other schools to high school, to grade schools and motivate them. Meanwhile, we're just all stoned and try to get out of class. You took a speech class? I mean, do you think that somehow or another that helped you ultimately?
I think so. Because I'm shitty with it. Yeah. I can't, you know, I don't speak well.
Yeah, I was going to talk to you about that. Yeah, thank you. You're already blowing the charts up. I thought it was nice because I was never into doing stand-up.
A lot of people want to be on something live. We're sort of on a lot of subjects. But I was in high school and I was sort of a smart kid. I got older, did the speech class because it was like a fun way to meet girls and be in this like talent-ish variety show.
Right. So we'd rip off SNL sketches. Oh, you actually did an SNL sketch? Yeah.
I did like one old Dan Aykroyd a bit. Not even a famous one. That was the variety show? That was the talent show?
Yeah, it was like mostly dancing and mostly girls doing stuff and the guys that were in drama. It wasn't even a drama class, which was a great scam because they didn't do plays or anyone who was a serious actor. I just wanted to write for the fun stuff. And I did write some stuff.
I actually wrote like me and my buddy as these guys hitting on girls, like ski partners, like these tough guys. And it was just like they were sort of douchebags. Ski partners? Well, it was the setting, wasn't it?
Right. The ski resort. We had all the ski lift tickets hanging down to the floor. And we're like, yeah, Aspen, Aspen, where have I been?
Like, hey, I'm pretty cool. And so it was my first thing of writing anything. And then one, I did a dance number of Macho Man. I was just trying to get in more stuff.
Not because I was super gay, but I was in a dance number of Macho Man and I was also in gymnastics. There's a few red flags in the store. But we're going to skim over it. Gymnastics?
Yeah, I was in gymnastics. Just a workout. And me, guys. Can you do a cartwheel?
I can do a planche where you put your hands like that and you lay flat, parallel to the ground, and you're sort of on your elbows. Could you do a backflip at that time? Yeah. You could.
Was there a period where you're like, this is my closer? I could do parallel. I could do rings. Yeah, but we're starting to hint toward the story.
All right, go ahead. So I was in the Macho Man. Obviously, that was sort of a, could have been a closer for the whole show. It was obviously a great bit.
Yeah. We danced too. We went karate. You're 15?
15. And it was with a bunch of seniors that made me a cool little lady. Sure. I keep hinting that I like ladies, but I don't believe it at this point.
So I'm in Macho Man. I know gymnastics. I mean, my brother say, let's do a backflip at the end to sort of cap it off. Oh, this is the story.
It is the story. So that day, I'm at the pool with my buddy and I'm on grass and I say, I better practice my standing backflip. And I do it. And I nail it.
Because it's very scary to do one. Just stand there and try to whip one up. I weighed about 115, 120. What do you weigh now?
145, 146. I ballooned up to 160 during grownups and we got into a Val Kilmer area and I don't want to talk about it. A little punch drunken. Chris Rockman goes, you can't be fat and old.
You pick one. He goes, but be rich. This is if you're ever going to hit on girls. He goes, you got to.
So anyway, here I am in high school and before the show starts, I'm backstage and I tell this guy, hey, the show's starting, letting everyone in. Don't spot me. I have to practice. So his job is just to watch this disaster.
So I do a backflip. I come out of my talk lingo a little early and I land on my face. All my weight, bam, on my face. My teeth are loose.
My face is pouring blood. I pop up. He's like, are you okay? I'm like, not at all.
I turn and then it's like tunnel vision. Hello, darkness, my old friend. I go down on one knee. Hello, hello.
Can anybody hear me? It was so weird. And then they got me backstage. And in the back of your head, when you're a kid, you sort of know you're not supposed to get hurt.
Like in my family. Because we didn't have any insurance. But I didn't know it. But we didn't.
They would just always go, you're fine, you're fine. But the bone's sticking out. My mom had a back team, which just bought her time. It was just like numbing spray with no medicinal purposes.
So I go backstage and I bring my mom and a doctor back. And I don't know who anyone is for an hour. So this is a hard hit. And cussed.
Cussed. Will Smith better play me one day in the backflip story. Did that movie open? Is it going to go?
I think it's still coming. I think it's still coming. You know, the doctor's like, he's a bit shook up. No, he's like from Gunsmoke.
He doesn't know anything. He's not giving me any medicine. It's Arizona. Yeah, that's him.
He goes, he's a bit rattled. He has his bell rung. These are things my friends would say. So I never went to the hospital.
Pizza had an asteroid. So I went there to play games. I pulled my teeth straight. I jammed my retainer on them.
And it sort of held them in place. And by the way, this is no Vicodin. This is no pain pills back then. I never knew about that stuff.
So I just roughed it. And then my jaw started giving me problems. You could have had hemorrhage. Anything could have happened.
And your mom was willing to roll the dice. I mean, bless her heart. She was broke. And I understand.
But I said, I'm okay. I'm okay. Because I wanted pizza. But I should have seen through my bullshit.
When did you start noticing that you remembered people? Was it during the asteroids? It took an hour. But it started bothering me, my neck.
And I got to L.A. I think it was just threw something off in my jaw. And then the tension, I like to be quite honest. I can't blame it all on that.
The tension got to me where I started. You know, people hold their shoulders. They get stomach aches. It used to be ulcers 10 years ago.
Now it's neck and back. Chest. I can't breathe. Oh, that's how you get it?
And that's hard. It constricts. Yeah. Like a panic.
I'm old. I don't want that. Because I know that's not great. I was surprised.
Because I read enough of the book to feel like I knew something about you. I don't know you. The first time I saw you. It's true, though.
I mean, I see you around. Yeah, I see you around. And a few years ago, you started to address me by name, which was exciting. But I remember the first time.
I don't know. You knew who I was before. Because when I came out here to do. I always remember this.
Because I came out here to do Evening at the Improv. It must have been like 91 or something. Right? And I didn't live here.
So for me, it was a big deal. It was like my second TV shot. And like I flew out. That's a big deal.
Right. And then I ran into you. And you literally, like, if I'm thinking about it correctly, it might have just been like a spot at the Improv that was still important to me. It was a Santa Monica Improv.
But you're like, what's just a fucking Improv? shut up we all freaked out shut up really because my attitude is different my attitude in the book like i was so excited like i i was jaded after two years that's horrifying well you just like i was freaking out and you were like i was that two years before i remember alan covert uh sandler's buddy well my buddy was managing it then and i was i love the santa monica improv i think maybe i said that possibly because it was santa monica improv right right yeah yeah but it was a huge deal but but your attitude about it to me because i didn't live here and i think if you spend time here and these are your clubs yeah you give a different story like i'm just gonna go to a spot for me i'm like i'm in from new york right i'm doing a thing here and you're like what are you because i was enamored by the new york clubs but i couldn't get into any of them so but when did that like how long have you been out here if that was like 91 90 yeah no even yeah right around that 89 that's when you got here i got here probably 87 right and then i bounced around and couldn't get into the comedy store louie anderson got me an audition and missy goes i don't like you can't smoke shakes your head nah not this guy and so louie goes when i tried and he's like now it's your turn my home but uh he goes he goes i got rov schneider an audition he ran around my house in his underpants that's what he said to me i never asked rob about that i go what does that mean i go by the way if i got the spot there'd be a better chance of famous back but i was like hey take it easy and he's like uh okay then the funny boys comedy team remember the funny boys yeah jim valley and the other one yeah they saw me and they were very nice i opened for them at the san diego improv yeah that day we hung out we're all laying out at the condo into san diego and they're like you're new from arizona yeah yeah and they go you know what you do do a year in new york and then come to la and i figured out and the nicest thing they did is they gave this whole speech about how that's what i should do and i did my set that night i think i met all the time i came off stage and they're going on they go go to la now right before they went on stage they go you're ready so i was like oh my god great so that got me to go and i stayed on jim's couch so you skipped la and i wouldn't even have any plan in new york i'd done one-nighters there no one's really biting i never really killed i couldn't it's a whole different fucking well that whole thing that's sort of doing nine sets a night and running around and waiting till two in the morning and yeah it's a it is a good training thing but i mean if you've already got some chops i mean i if you can avoid that why not well i'm such an arizona guy i'm a west coast guy i don't really love me like everyone does and i sound like an asshole saying that but just it's just not the way i grew up and anyone uh so enamored by it i'd like to visit but when you're broke it's just not a great time you know and if you're if you live there all your life i get it you know the streets you know the haunts you bop to these clubs it's sort of a romantic coolness like you're doing five sets a night i'm like i've never done more than one set a night probably in my life i go where the improv in the laugh factory like i see whitney buzzing around in a range rover sure she'll do that on the corner yeah i go whitney just relax your special was last night just like i do another one oh fuck you're in there again yeah she works hard she's ball buster she works hard she's just funny but uh all right so i had made all these misassumptions about you you know i didn't know how you grew up oh yeah you give me a little break yeah no right i mean like i was like this guy's where do you get all this uh cockiness you must be you know but it was like fucking rough dude i mean like i i have empathy like i didn't you know i had no empathy for you no yeah no one does i mean everyone hates me to start with and then i try to win them all the butt people say that about like they go oh i think that you date girls or that's the idea and then they think you're an asshole and i go i get it because i saw riding secrets going like juliana i'm like i hate that fucking guy immediately and i knew him a little bit and liked him then i switched right and then he had some other guy i'm like god fuck him so i think that's a natural reaction to anybody but also your comic persona is a little you know it's heavily boundaried it's all you know what i mean what does it mean like you know like you don't when you do jokes you have a your style which is you know sarcastic and your character's a little smug yeah right so you make assumptions that the guy's just really like that yeah and you know you kind of keep people at arms length you don't seem like you would entertain fools gladly but you were not the most accessible cat in the world yeah i guess that does make sense i mean what a dick no no but you were an endearing dick that made a tremendous amount of money off of being a dick well i mean i think when i look back i was a little more full of myself during that just shoot me time because it was fun and i got on a show and i had some money and i running around and a couple guys right from my show wrote on that yeah okay yeah jamming glaring oh yeah let's do it michael and sievert sievert yeah yeah those guys are great just shooting was sort of a good ground i think they would have good memories of that it was uh yeah no they're great they uh they do have good memories of that let's go back so it's tucson no so you're out in scottsdale or sort of outside of scottsdale yeah i grew up in um born in michigan the dad took me out you know we all went out there to the three who was his dad sammy do you talk to him you know lately it's been very tough because he left us his kids he started the quick version he started showing up here and there but now you know the rough things are like being by the door you can't text you can't call it was the old age you had to wait for the hard line to ring and then the call on monday like yeah i'm gonna pick the kids up friday and take them out and we'd stand by the door at three four o'clock their bags five o'clock my mom would go let's just order pizza and knowing he fucking blew us off again and that was tough and she would buffer it and she would she wouldn't trash him so wait you come from michigan hell with you four and you move and then he they just marriage yeah i'm like could you at least leave her in michigan yeah we're now moving where she knows nothing took her out of her last year college and she was a smart writer and she didn't graduate because he goes no you don't need that you don't need that what did he do he was a salesman he's out there fucking five martini lunches and fucking everyone and just like scamming his way through he's a big bullshitter so it worked yeah so he's a hustler got by never made a lot of money always a sales job never like a steady paycheck yeah always commish so he got out there he's like yeah arizona's a drag he said he had a job so we all moved out and he goes i don't and fuck off so he started fucking within a mile of the house like my mom's hearing about all this and i'm like you know i was four i didn't really get what was going on but we're like where's dad he's the best so he would show up later in years he would pick us up in a dune buggy we thought he's so fucking cool meanwhile my mom lately is like smoking going do you ever think that maybe a 42 year old guy in a dune buggy is the coolest guy and we're like oh yeah right well it's cool that's us that's what he's picking up his dates in you understand a fucking asshole yeah so i like him because he's my dad right so i kept trying to win him over or whatever i did and my brother got famous he got tons of money which one and he and he started the kate spade stuff he was in advertising yeah and then he's a middle brother yeah and then brian's the oldest and he had trouble with it and he always was uh with the old man yeah because he's he was the most aware being the man of the house at fucking 10 the responsibility i'm sure burdened him but he got in trouble with the police didn't like the stepdad when that happened i thought him like physically had problems with it what was that guy like diametrically opposite um very smart went to duke a doctor very responsible not great looking but a nice decent person trying to take care of my mom but he had problems like the thing in the book is that true that yeah it is the vietnam thing i mean you show me actually have nails and heads and all this i'm like i'm seven guy like give me a nerf you know i mean he would literally lay out all these photos because he was i guess it's pst yeah ptsd yeah it was definitely four letters because uh but we didn't have a name for them we just thought he was a little cuckoo yeah and weird and he came out he was a medic in the army so he saw it all it definitely affected him 12 pack of cooters tall boys a day go in the emergency room like that where my mom would go i gotta call it and stop him sometimes because he could be buzzed but he'd fall down and she's like you're not going to operate on people it was so weird oh my god because he was the on-call doctor what was the flashback thing though the flashback thing was he was he was always uh he gave us all guns for her so he gave me a shotgun shell reloader again i wanted like a skateboard so like that thing you yeah pop out the primer pop out the wad but stuff and and we collect our shells after we go dove hunting or quail hunting and when i was 10 i put them all in my bag and i go home and fix them all and i had a sawed-off shotgun i had a deer right yeah sawed-off or quail that's interesting well quail i realized later it wasn't a big score like i look at hunting now yeah if you see a deer you got on your sides let's say you killed it yeah i mean you have to pull the trigger because he's falling down he's just standing there shooting a barn yeah so i was quail hunting and then i'm quail hunting sort of like whoa and he got a snap yeah yeah it runs across yeah we skeet shooting all that but he gave us all guns and then what he would do is he'd have flashbacks on the night of the war so he'd wake us up and he had his helmet on it was so weird again i didn't think it was that weird that was fun and you were crazed or you thought he was just playing i don't know if he's drunk or flashbacks i would wake us up and say come on come on like we're in the army we're looking for these guys and we'd all have a gun he'd have a gun we just walk around real guns real guns and when he no funny thing was when he left my mom had to take care of three boys yeah and all these stories make my mom sound bad but she was great but you know there's only something you can do without putting us into you know foster care so some days when she worked and she couldn't handle it she would drive us up the desert and drop us with our guns so we had something to do and a canteen and bullets like banditos and a lunch and backteen in case everything went wrong and pick us up seven miles away at a chevron stage when she got off work so for eight hours we are shooting rabbit squirrels rattlesnake bottles and then we take a neighbor with us or something and then we land and the fact that everything went smoothly it was fine that's amazing i could go sideways on you quickly but we had a quarter to call her if she didn't show up and uh it worked perfectly and she did it not a lot but a couple times and we loved it and i look back and people go it's pretty odd but i go i guess but it didn't seem that well how old was your oldest brother i mean someone was sort of in charge 14 yeah i mean that's grown up yeah with a gun by the way back then with no cell phones he shoots me and there's a good 10 hour lag time when someone gets to me you know he's got to get all the way seven miles away then hopefully find his quarter what did he end up doing he does construction and he had a tougher uphill battle um chip on his shoulder yeah that and then he got in trouble so it was hurting jobs and then but he's sort of construction on his life and he does fine now we all got along in trouble in the middle because you know the dad was a little bit of a boozy susie and uh so was the grandpa your real dad my real dad my real grandpa so it's in our family yeah um and my stepdad ultimately killed himself but i didn't put this in the on purpose yeah he tried to once and shot a hole in the roof really uh your house yeah my mom said he was cleaning it or something which i bought immediately and then she told me later when he did die that he was trying then but she told me just two weeks ago that you know his father killed himself and his father oh my god and his brother so i go mom these are like on the first apron this is like red flags what's the over under on suicide in your family's at three and so i said did you know that it's so weird and did she she said she didn't she found out like while they were married i was like well it's fascinating to me when that runs in families like alcohol isn't fine but just sort of like killing it because there's a choice there he was depressed which depression is uh something that again they didn't know much about now they take it a little more seriously but that's why all the booze and self-medicating but i know we all get depressed but i guess when you're like that's seriously down and that's seriously whatever it is and he was really nice to me he's very smart he got me into chess he got me into speaking german he got me into all these things because i was the most practical and i lived four inches in the mexico border i go what about spanish that's gonna come and go that's a fad i go are you sure german is forever so i knew german that went away a year later i don't know it's not helping me but you got along with him so he was good for you good for me growing up and then uh went off that my dad started coming back more and now to this day you know i bought him a condo my brother bought my brother made so much money so we were just taking turns and taking care of him and my mom and then i started to fade out on lately and i think it's because i had a daughter and honestly it was not planned she's in uh missouri and she's great and i'm really glad it happened but it was an unusual circumstance it wasn't planned you know somebody dated a little bit did you know that you had the kid yeah like she you know she she told me was it bad at first oh ntmc was it bad at first and it was one of those things where it's like you felt it was a trick of something i didn't know and this girl and i've gotten to know her better obviously over the years was it really dating or just a one night thing we'd gone out probably she lived that time so she'd come in hang out she had to do stuff here and so maybe we went out like five different times so it was definitely not we weren't talking marriage we weren't talking kids it was none of that it was just it came up and you know in that situation hasn't come up so i thought well you have to do the right thing you have to do what you're supposed to do and she was a little rough on me at the beginning with the tabloids and the leaking stuff but i you know over the years it's leveled out we have a nice situation now yeah relationship with her you know four days uh she's coming out how old she's just seven wow so she's great yeah and um i don't know if you've been in that situation but it's very having it sounds terrifying because it's when it's on the internet like right after you're told it's i don't know how to get my ducks in or i don't know how to alert my family alert girls i date it just because that one rocks people but you didn't know about it i didn't know till i mean she was pregnant oh she told me when she was two and a half three weeks pregnant and did that come uh actually like a threat what were you gonna do any money whatever it was sort of like no it was just i'm doing this and uh hope you do the right thing and i was like wow my only concern was i said can you wait the three months that people wait to announce these things because you never know and i said it will give me a second to get my fucking head together because this is pretty overwhelming i wasn't mean i wasn't saying hey fuck you i was saying okay not my perfect situation but i don't want to be a fucking asshole about this this is like a test to see if i'm a good guy and yeah no actually like even if you were gonna be an asshole which you weren't uh when it's handled that way well i felt bullied and you know i talked about it and you know again we get long now and i don't want to slam her i just think she was under the influence of her mother and i don't i didn't think in hindsight the mother was was great for the situation because i think she was being steered and she's a nice midwestern girl so i don't know what the situation was but it happened we figured it out and in those situations you just start doing the right thing fast i started paying jobs for four months in yeah before the test right i just said okay if this is it i'm starting and if this is whatever whatever i'm not believe me i'm not a fucking great guy but i was like this is what i should do and my mom is a great person she's like here's what you do so what hey you know you pay you you're there for her you call her you make sure everything's okay oh jeez that's heavy man and it's hard because you know since then i was dating someone else and they're like it's like getting married it's like such a bombshell to someone that you liked in the past you know your future with right that you were serious with you like in there so it really hurts feelings across the board and puts a weird spin on everything in your life so when you when it happened just out of curiosity you know as a you know an a-list celebrity certainly someone who everyone knows when you get that information and it's starting to leak in you know what seems like an unmanageable way yes for sure what do you go to advice like publicist what do you do i mean like i mean knowing like you know how obviously it's not a manageable situation because it was handled the way it was handled i mean how do you get advice on that well um i don't know i guess i asked my mom i did ask my pr lady and say i mean there's nothing anyone can do it's me it's my fault it's it is what it is it's all very black and white i just have to take the hits now people judging me and saying you're a fucking asshole and what are you doing but are you an asshole see that's the weird thing about that it's like i wasn't married it wasn't like uh your lifestyle caught up to whatever but listen that's not even fucking it it's so fucked up isn't it because this shit happens all the time you guys at all levels it's got nothing to do with lifestyle since then it's even worse like you know sean kemp has nine kids these people everyone has five kids with nine different chicks it's unreal and it's just sort of just the thing now so now but for me my personal life i've never dealt with it right i was like wow and can i handle this because i'm not good obviously i've been married at that point and that feels very overwhelming to be married and that's quite honestly probably the big stickler why don't do it because i don't want to disappoint someone and bail out like my dad did or just something like that so i get nervous about it but a kid is even more serious you know what i mean right but you had money thank god and you know in a way and you can take care of the kid and make them comfortable and try to show up i mean that's great that you built a relationship with the kid it's funny that drake say that this comedian i remember jesus christ he gave me this great joke where he goes you know i don't know if i'll get a tattoo i could picture about getting married and having kids but a tattoo is so prominent oh you remember Jake that was so sick he killed himself yeah I know years ago is this a rumor that he put post-it notes with a paramedic saying body this way I don't know did you ever hear that I did hear it it's crazy man how old are you my age you're the funny younger 51 52 that's horrible dude who did I talk to he's not killing ourselves I don't feel like killing myself who was it that just told the Frankie Bastille story what's that story you were the guy in the car with somebody one night in New York and it was like your first night in New York it was Voss and those stories in the book and I don't tell you who it was he was on the show and he said a comedian from Arizona and I knew who it was but he didn't say it he didn't say your name but what did he say because maybe it's a different story well no he said that you needed to ride somewhere and they offered you a ride and they both had to go Rich had a square crack and Frankie had a square heroin and you'd never forget that is the story I was shitting I was scared I mean I'd done cola and I'd done the pot but I was 21 or something and I was in New York which was scary anyway and we were doing road gigs at Gary Grant remember this guy like a BF Packy so you just go to the in front of me this is all foreign to me one of them had a joke Goofus and Gallant Goofus kicks his mom down a flight of stairs and Gallant fucks her when she's unconscious I'm like is that a joke that's gotta be Frankie I was writing my little crummy jokes about Safeway Frankie used to be in the middle of a second remember the first time your mom got you shooting heroin in your cock this is him Charmer they were going to buy crack and fucking heroin and then you know these gigs are like 75 bucks so I guess it's a good score but I was debating whether I should take a cab home from the Improv or a subway because that was my big splurge and they go if you wake up with money from your gig in your pocket the next day you know you fucked up I'm like what these are my words to live by from New York from the road comics no security no safety net of any kind they must have loved me I had long white blonde hair and I had a little my mom's honeymoon bag full of props that's how you were well Frankie used to he'd get young guys babysit him and give him money like you know he'd sort of turn out these young comics with the big wisdom and then they'd end up driving to places there was a few dudes like Lord Corrette but straight no no straight yeah but like sort of like come on man I'm the Buddha and you got any money like one time he said you want to come down to Cayman Islands with me to open and I'm bringing my kid who I don't know that well and I'm like I'm not going to go be mommy oh well it's just sort of like it just seemed a little more loaded than I was already saying yes in my head but then I would have been tricked so okay so now we so your brother made some coin with the purses and you guys did alright and now you have a relationship with his daughter which is sweet right and I think the point was I don't mean to blab that whole thing but I didn't know if you talked about it actually I don't talk about it much because just I don't talk about it in the book either because in the future I didn't want to have her hear something or read something well it seems to me oddly given the circumstance just by feeling the tone of your voice now that you are sort of prepared for it and you're looking forward to it and you're showing up for it well I like that and what I was ultimately getting to is my father this whole thing started when he said if you talked to him how do you along he was a fun guy he was a good guy still is he's a nice guy I definitely got a lot of humor from him and my mom but he's very loose on his feet obviously a little bit of a scamp skirt chaser but he got older and he kept always wanting stuff and I always would take care of him but he had a hold on me like that where when Harper was born I started going wait you wanted three kids and you got married and you tried and you bailed like I couldn't even call you if I was sick and I always thought just as a normal person if Harper this isn't my ideal situation but I can't think that she couldn't call me or say do you have any reason if I had a hundred bucks she can have twenty you know I should say fifty sure she can have ten you know I would help a little bit or if he would do that it would have meant the world but he didn't and I started to get a little I can just tell in the last two three years I'm getting a little mad about and I see him less unless because it makes me furious that no alimony try to work and do my best with the situation but at least I'm in the game he was just like and I started getting mad about it it comes up now yeah and I see him less and I'm like okay so I do have a kid and Andy has a kid and you don't really get and I didn't let her meet him no my brother hates when my dad's been around because I said I don't want this influence yeah it's weird his only dad thing I did was say I don't want her to bring her up bring her up I'm like nah where is he? is he around? we put him up I think Andy pays right now but we take turns but he puts him up and he goes I don't want to be in this flea bag he's like alright I'll get you a nice one but his whole life he's like just kicking himself upstairs he gets better stuff he got a private doctor and he goes how the fuck are you talking to getting a private doctor when he can just go to the goddamn clinic you guys still won his approval it's something it must be it's wild it's wild too alright so props I got a little tiny xylophone from play school for my Jeopardy bit so I go bing bing bing I just realized Dennis Miller really talked me out of him because he started with him yeah yeah I think he did he doesn't talk about that a lot but he do you still friends with him?
yeah because it seems to me that you were for a while like Minnie Miller haha I did I was influenced by Miller even Kevin Nealon I don't really tell him that much but he's funny that dry throwaway jokes I was emceeing at the improv a lot when you emcee it sucks because you're there all night but you do get to see these guys and you get to see like you know more about comics than I do right now because you see them all the time and now that I just started hanging out with Adam Eget he's his company I never got past the store so I never have done sets there ever in my life isn't it great though that now you can just walk in close and it's right and it's a good room yeah the maid was great the OR is great I mean people were coming it's better than the improv I don't even know who's in charge over there I don't even know who's in charge over there it's because I knew one guy you know Adam I gave him a part in Joe Dirty he's a nice kid and then he's like yeah come down so I was going to ask you because I did a night there oh yeah who came it was Dana Carvey from Norm MacDonald wow that's a big night and Bill Burr we were going to maybe need another guy and I was going to ask you so that would have been fun that would have been fun but I didn't want to make you drive in was it packed out it was great it was really fun and Dana was killing it and it's great because he does Bush but now he's got Trump so it's like very present he's got one huh he's got Trump and he does and he does bomb these motherfuckers it's already funny anyway so he just says Trump a little bit everyone's like ah just waiting a lot oh man so he's doing alright huh he's doing good he's doing a special Netflix one and he's from the old school when I started SNL he was the best guy there and he was I was there sort of light a fire and I was sort of an apprentice Dana like a not as good Dana and one horrible thing happened to me I was you know when Perot came along I couldn't get on the show I was having trouble getting on and Adam Sandler was getting on in Farley everyone else I'm like I need a break but Dana's staying they kept saying he's leaving they kept saying so there was too much you know if there's an impression I can do Dana can do better and he's a vet so if the guy looked like Macho Man Camacho Sandler doesn't if it looks like me Dana doesn't so I have to wait you know and so then Perot came along like Ross Perot sounds hilarious now Dana's doing Bush and Phil Hartman is Clinton and I go I want to do Perot and they go I don't think so I don't think so then they did a political special primetime which is a big deal they go Lauren goes can you do Perot for us I was like fuck yes so I go down I get my 45 minutes of bald cap makeup and they introduce us Bush comes out Phil Spade says Perot applause we do our speaking and then when they get to Perot they go hold alright Dana can you get into Perot thanks David I was there for a wide shot no one just told me SNL is a place no one wants to tell you bad news and travel slowly don't say your sketches so it was a wide shot so he could do both so he could do both and he was great at Perot which was even worse because I burned my onion I was like I guess he's better how did you guys talk you out of props he just said you know you're on the he liked my act which meant a lot to me one time the two things of advice one he said I'd weed out the props I had a Tom Petty hat and he goes you still sleep with that thing and I was like because he saw me carrying it and he goes oh fuck no he goes where's the suitcase I go I'm just down to this he goes you don't need anything and I was like he goes just talk and then one time I saw him in an open forum and he goes you weren't as good this time and I go well I'm not getting invited back to these road clubs as much because I'm not killing so I'm trying to write stuff that does better and he's like oh that's the worst thing you can do he goes just do what you do it's pretty funny and it's easier to write without that middle step of like well they think it's funny just write what you think it's funny and if it doesn't work then just quit you shouldn't do it I was like oh well that's a surprise ending and it did wake me up because I liked him so much I thought this guy fucking knows how to write so I turned into like a research paper of your favorite comics I think a lot of people do I like Eddie Murphy but I was never going to be exactly like that or very dirty like that and then I liked Carlin I like all the people everyone liked but Miller was right there but Miller was closer to something I could do like that's really how I think and I was whispering jokes to my friends sort of commenting on things and then when I got on Just Shoot Me Those Shows that persona was kind of the way it worked that was funny with Farley you go he does something and I whisper hey fatty good job and that's my whole job so that turned into at least a style and once I had that style then I wanted to get away from it and that's what happened that's my life Chris was the fatty fall down guy and Sandler was like acting goofy and then once you finally get one thing then you go I'm not just one note and then 20 years later I realize I am just one note unfortunately the dad is in I tell him I go I can do other stuff I go I don't know nothing forget it but it's your demeanor you have a character I guess I mean I like Bill Murray and stuff I'm not saying I'm that good like that but I'm saying I like the guy that was sort of Bill Murray and Ghostbusters and he sort of Bill Murray and this and so I thought you could get away with it a little bit because I'm not like De Niro it's not no one wants even Lawrence I don't do so many characters I write characters like hey I'm this guy it's like ugh so I go why am I this guy that's shitty because I just was and he was right so just be yourself well who were you guys when you were coming up well you and Sandler were friends before right SNL were friends before Apatow, Drake, Schneider you were all just doing comedy yeah all at the improv and we all live in the valley too did you live with guys I live with a girl who I always wanted to bone and she was two out of my league and then one day when I moved out I was like what there's a chance but I was getting famous I didn't realize she liked that now I was possibly in her radar because she was going out with a bass player for Quiet Riot I'm like Sandler and I I have to ask him about this because you have to ask him I know we have I can't imagine that he really remembers that he's mad at me but it'd be great to talk to him do you talk to him? you know he's mellowed out but sometimes he used to hold a grudge about this stuff he's got to be but at a certain point he just did Stern so I think that that one I didn't think would happen and we did a movie this long why wouldn't he do it for so long? because Stern was so hard on him? yeah Stern said something about me that's what happened with me I mean he gets criticism he gets it from all over I mean his movie reviews he knows and he was talking about Stern it's very hard and I'm in movies with him and we all take shit and I've never had a fucking good review so I get it but I do remember sometimes when people are rough even if most of the time I understand it I go people just say shit who cares but if it really stings I will stay away from something make note yeah I mean but it takes a little bit I mean a lot of people like there's family guy they shit on me all the time and then at a certain point I go alright it's getting excessive like after the fourth joke you go alright someone's got a thing for me and because I said now I would go after someone I go let's do it again they go do you hate that person I go no no no but I sort of did I'm like I have a chance oh really like who did you go after I don't know I never didn't like Eddie Murphy that's right I love him most of my I know that story till today I'm way out of the loop oh yeah it's a dumb one but I didn't really have a problem well here's the problem this is the thing when I responded to Stan Wehrer I did a bit on Conan I wasn't really necessarily making fun of him as much as I was his fans in a way because to me they were just sort of like man children meatheads but I did this bit and I mentioned him as a reference and then you know he comes up to me at the improv I mean this was like two decades ago I heard what he said something about me I'm like yeah I said on television and he's like why would you do that and I said because you're a cultural icon I mean you know what do we just we can't talk about people in our own business what are we going to fucking talk about you know I wasn't nasty about it but it becomes difficult like you know like that situation with Eddie Murphy it's like well you talk about movies where you do jokes about culture and that's my whole job in quotes and we're comedians and even Amy Schumer who's blowing up so huge that there's jokes about Amy Schumer because she's one of the people out there now and then there's that weird thing with comics like if you want to do something for fun or whatever but I'd steer away from it just because she might take it wrong even though you're just like I just want to talk about what's going on out there because she would because that's what everyone does but there's a community of us and we're weird and oversensitive and you don't assume but I like when Amy's actually good and then there's people that make it too that you go oh my god but you know everybody comes down the other side and that's the most interesting thing about it is once you make it through all this shit some people make a living they get rich other people at least keep their shit together and be like nah it doesn't matter anymore it just doesn't fucking matter anymore and you try to keep respect of other comedians which I like I always appreciate if comics and that's why everyone says I don't care what people but I do when I go into clubs I still do it and I still want to be in the vicinity of the good people and not be so out of it where people are like are you still doing this shit like come on guy like there's people that go up and you go or they're older comics or they haven't done it or they're starting to get into it but you just want to still it's like it's fun right I have some money saved I have some money saved it's more about it's fun to do something with yourself than you feel like you did something I like to feel like I'm good at it so when I do you know how it is you do a good show somewhere and you feel good about it you bomb a few times or something's client but when you do a good set you get your set list you go I can actually do something this got me everything and that's why I told Sandler you should do it and we did something this summer and he goes you know what I have a chunk of time let's do it because I'm going to come where you are and then I'll just do a little set practice because I don't want people to fucking YouTube me and he was always funny and I go it's a good idea to remind people how you got here so I did Comedy Magic Club he came he did 25 minutes it was a lot and then I did a night at the comedy store as a trick just to get him to go on unannounced so he had a good crowd he did it again because my crowd would be his crowd you know overlap and then we did San Diego we announced it so me, him, Norm, Schneider and Swartz and that was a really fun show it was a theater gig and he closed so I had to close and the other two and I go at a certain point you've got a guitar and I can't follow this and he killed and they were definitely there to see him the most and they were so excited that he hadn't done it in 20 years so we're going to do a few dates that's great because I never really understood it because he just answered a question for me I think it was a mystery to me forever because when I see Seinfeld going out I'm like how much money can he it's just I think for the fun but not only the fun but what you were saying it's like I do this this is what I do that's what I do when everything goes away that's what we do and no one can say Seinfeld's not funny more than they see him they go shitty still you know it's putting work into something that you used to be good at it's not about money right young comedian special right I finally got on it for three tries who was on with you?
well every year I missed out with Richard Belzer I'm like I'm actually a young comedian can I be like that seriously I'm 22 I got on with Drake Schneider Jan Karam Freddie Stoller was he on there? Warren Thomas Oh, yeah. And everyone did stuff after that. I mean, Warren Thomas, I think, passed away after that.
Yeah, well, long after that, but yeah, he passed away, yeah. I didn't know he was one of those. I knew Schneider and Dwight. Schneider knew him from San Francisco, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah. And then me and Schneider got pulled, because Lauren saw it, or their people saw it, so we got pulled to fly to New York for an audition with Tom Kenny. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, of course.
We, Dennis was there, probably 20 people. At the audition. Yeah. In a comedy star.
Oh, that's right. The original one. Went on, supposed to do 20, he did about 12, because I was bombing. Actually, Dennis told me one more time, he goes, you don't want to kill too hard, because I think you're a smooth road act.
Yeah, I'm like, so I bomb, and he didn't understand. So I took his advice. He goes, there's a little bit of your writing, which I didn't get. I go, you have to do good.
But the truth is, I didn't. I didn't do that good, and he looked at the writing, and then he goes, just do your best written jokes. That's my best. And then Schneider went on and went short.
Tom Kenny did his whole set killed. Schneider didn't do well? He didn't do really well. Yeah.
With a little Elvis. Elvis on a fishhook. Fucking funny bone chain. And so I got that, and I go, oh shit, and then we made a little money, but the stress started.
We got in there, and I was a pretty good writer for stand-up, but it's a whole different thing to write sketches, so wasn't killing it. We did four shows, and then it was the summer, and we both didn't get anything on, and so they said, I might not bring it back. Were you and Rob? We were like buddies.
We were really good friends, and then we had some friction on there. We brought out the worst to us, that's for sure. Really? Competitive?
Yeah. And then the first year. Do you think that was fostered, or it just happens? I mean, we both sort of want to be famous, you want to do well, and they make it like, hey, one of you might come back.
I'm a survivor. And then I remember one time, I got mad, he didn't tell me about a rewrite meeting, and then he didn't put my name on a sketch that we wrote together, and so it looked like I wasn't writing much. And I was like, what are you doing? He goes, ah, you went to bed, I don't know, I was tired, I stayed up all night writing.
I won't just put my name on it, it's not that complicated. And then the next year, we had more problem, then he did Copy Machine, and we weren't supposed to write for ourselves, and I thought that wasn't fair. I'm like, why the fuck does he get to write shit? And then they made him a cast member, and I'm like, what?
So it was just a mix of jealousy, and like, I should be better at writing, and I was frustrated. You guys are okay now? Yeah, yeah, we're actually really good now. But it was a, then he was having trouble with everybody.
We were all having trouble, but he got out of it fine, but there was a period there where we were just all, you don't know what you're doing there. What about you and Sandler? Sandler and I were always good. As long as I could sit there and watch everyone kill.
Barley, Sandler, Dana, Mike, Mike Myers, fucking Conan's writing, Bob Odenkirch's writing, Smigel's writing. I'm supposed to be as good as these guys are better. It just wasn't happening. I'm like, I'm getting better, but I can't be that level.
Phil Hartman's great, and the hosts come in. Oh, so you were just like, Rock is doing weekend updates where he's the fucking smartest shit, and so you go, I'm supposed to, so I was getting better, but we stayed friends because we tried to support each other, and when you're getting bumped because of them, you have to keep it in check because you want to fucking kill them, you know? Because like, I'm like, Farley's in six things, can I be in one? Or Dana's in nine.
Like, does anyone give a fuck? I don't. And who were you addressing? Did you ask Lorne?
The air? My dressing room wall. You never said, Lorne, can I talk to you? I do, and I asked Jim Downey, and I was like, and he goes, now you're getting there, he's hanging there, but everyone's worried about themselves, and you have to be, and I just am really glad that by the end of it, people knew I was on SNL.
I have pretty good memories of people saying, oh, you were funny on SNL. Fine, that's all. How many years? Six years.
And you did, did you end up, you were, um, contributor to Update, or did you do Update? Just contributor to Update. Right. I mean, just wrote jokes for the Update people, and then I would just do my bits.
And you would show up in things. Yeah, I'd show up in things. Did Gap Girls, did the receptions from, and you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that was my first attitude bit I wrote, because it was not just jokes, and I couldn't believe it worked. I go, that was a breakthrough just in my own head, going, Conan told me about concepts, because these are, you're just writing jokes, you need to write, like, what's the whole feel to it? And he tried to explain it. I was like, they wouldn't let me see Patrick Swayze.
Really? I go, because you're allowed to talk to them, because you're a writer, and it's three in the morning, and he's in the writer's room alone, and then this PR person's standing by the door, and I walk in, and she puts her arm up to block me, and she goes, can I help you? And I go, oh, I'm just wanting to say hi to Patrick. She goes, oh, and you are?
And I go, I'm David Spade. She goes, and he would know you because, I go, oh, I'm a writer here. She goes, right, and that's, well, you're a writer here at SNL? And I go, and she goes, hmm, it's just, he's so crazy right now.
Can you come back a little bit? It might be a better time. And I go, he's reading People Magazine right there. Are you sure?
Yeah, it's just a really tricky time right now. And I go, uh, I didn't even get it. So I just saw it in my head. It was so weird, that whole attitude.
And I called Lauren next time I was in LA, and his office goes, and you are? And I go, is this a real fucking thing? And they quizzed me, and I had to explain how I was famous and shit. And I'm like, nah, I don't watch TV.
I'm like, but it still took me a while, and by the end, I got more stuff on, and then Adam and Chris left, and I stayed next year, like a fifth year senior. And when did the other thing with fire, we just started to gel? Why? Were you guys friends?
Yeah, just buddies walking around the office, and Lauren thought we were funny together. And we were, like I'm from Arizona, and he was Wisconsin Dundee, he's like the nice guy, doesn't know what, just head up his ass, walking around New York City, going, oh my God, it's McDonald's here. Just one, and I'm like, oh, is it on wheels? Like, you know, I just always make fun of him, and then he'd go, and he'd want me to make fun of him, and then we just sort of buddied up a lot, and he was getting famous, and I think he felt because we started together, it was like a good, solid place to be, because I was in the show too.
He's a good guy. He's a good guy, and so that was a fire that was just going out of control. Loyal guy, sweet guy. Loyal guy, nice to me, laughed at everything, made me feel good, because he thought it was hilarious, and that made me feel good, and he was, but he would get jokes that you didn't think, like for being like a dunce, or whatever people think.
He actually was good at comedy, to where he got all these dry weird jokes, he got always when he laughed so hard, and you can always tell, you know what I mean, like you can tell people, thanks David, thanks for coming. So he would laugh, and I like that about him, because you couldn't win anything past him, he wouldn't go, I don't get it. You know what I'm saying, it's like when you're in a conversation with someone, and they don't even have to say anything, what they laugh at, you can tell how funny they are. If they get something and you go, oh you like that too, that's funny to me, whatever, and that's where you go, he's good, and he was such a supporter, he'd go on the sides and laugh when you're doing a bit, or try to help you out, or whatever.
So, good guy. Yeah, good guy. How many movies did you do within three? Well, I did Coneheads, we were all in, and then the real ones were probably Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, and then I think that was it, we talked about a third one, and then it was too late.
But when you were with him, I mean, it seems to me that a guy like that, if you're close to him, you know he's killing himself somehow. Yeah. And you know, was there, yes, it was my fault. No, no, no, no, I just like, there's nothing anyone can do after a certain point.
Yeah, I just look at Scott Weiland, who I used to know a little bit of that. I just saw that coming for so long. And he had a kind of like, he was showing up on YouTube doing gigs where you're like, oh my God. It was like Henderson, it's like he's up there doing wild things, this should have ended a long time ago.
It would have been better for everybody, but Chris, he was trying to handle it. But I think he did eight rehabs, and we had some friction at the end, but it was mostly because when you have someone like that, the same way Weiland's wife wrote something about him, did you read that? That she's like, this guy died four years ago. She was saying, he's not the person I know.
When he wants to be with his friends that are doing all that stuff, and he doesn't want to be around me, and I get to see about that. Yeah, he would bring people around. Those weirdos that no one knew about him. Yeah, like people that know, like you know they're junkies.
Hey man, I'm like, why are these people with us for dinner? We were an Aspen at the comedy festival for SNL, and we all went out, and then he was too drunk at one dinner with Steve Martin, Lauren, and Bernie Burstein. I took him into the dinner, and we walked through it, and I realized it, and I go, hang on guys. And we scooted through all the chairs, this long table.
I took him into the kitchen, I took him in the alley, and I go, we are not fucking having a three hour dinner, you're this fucked up. He goes, whoa. I go, you drank all day? He was only an Aspen.
I said, excuse me, I go, oh, okay. And then the next day, I met him for lunch, and he came, and he was with four people, and he had knocked on the bed, so his eyes were rolling back, and I go, oh, fuck, he stayed up all night. He goes, oh, I go, all right, you're an Aspen. I forgot.
I forgot. Jesus. He's like a child. Some guy told me a story about him that I always, I thought it was horrendously sad, but hilarious.
I was a Chicago guy, I think, oh, you're fucking joking, dude. He's like, whoa. I go, that's a full petite filet. He goes, no, and then he takes the pat of butter, and he peels the lid off, and he puts the whole square on it.
I go, every bite, and he goes, it needs a hat. I go, well, okay, who can argue that? But a full pat of butter on every bite, I go, where's the fat coming from? No one can figure it out.
It's a mystery. But do you think he wanted to, like, that's just the way he lived? He loved it. Just very excessive.
He loved it. He loved it. Fall hard, eat hard, play hard, get mad hard. But he's very nice, and he's very nice.
So, you know, it was a tough loss, because it was like the other day was his anniversary, like two days ago. So, you know, there's always someone on Instagram reminding me, I'm like, oh, a little gut punch. The day he died? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was in December.
The funeral was rough? The funeral I didn't go to. You didn't? Why?
Too rough, too much. Really? Yeah, I just, it was really, I think people took it the wrong way, but I told Lauren and Adam and those guys, I can't go. They said, it's okay.
They knew that it was, it's hard, it's hard to sit there and bawl in front of your friends. I know it's the right thing to do. I just couldn't, I was crying at home. I was so weirded out, and I had just to see him in a room and I'm coughing.
I was like, fuck yes. I was open? It was just in a car. I don't know what they said, because I didn't go, but they said, I'll be there.
But those guys were all very cool to go, and I just, you know, looking back, I probably should have. I just couldn't do it. Couldn't even think of it. Yeah, I understand that.
You know, I can still see it today. If someone was so close to me, just anything. Just try to keep me out there. Plus, I like to work and keep busy, and I don't know anything.
I can't go back and switch now. I can't go back to advertising or whatever I wanted to do. And so then Rules Engagement, there was that showbiz show I did for a bit I liked. That was sort of like a Hollywood show.
And then the Grown Ups movies are always, They do well, right? We help with Adam, yeah. Whose ideas were those? Those are Adam, yeah.
He put that all together? Yeah, he said, I got you in a movie. I think I got a funny idea. I'll tell you soon.
And then he goes, all right, we're writing it. We couldn't think it was called Lake House. Right. But we changed it to Grown Ups, and we did that, we did the other one, and then...
They made money. They made good money, yeah. And Joder was good? Joder I love, yeah.
Joder I hear about the most, other than Tommy Boy, I hear about the most. That's your invention, right? That's actually, as much as I'm in love with Tommy Boy, at least Joder, you know, that's all Chris. So Joder at least, yeah, can be, take a little credit, because I wrote it, I'm in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wrote Joder together, wrote Dickie Roberts. We did, oh, I mean, well, I went and did the do-over this summer. I went down the middle for Adam, when he does, and it's great.
You'd really do that too? No. But do-over, I'm married, two-step kids, straight man, work at a bank, nerdy Sandler, sort of a fucking crazy guy, comes and kidnaps me. It's like a midnight run a little bit.
It's weird, we want to do our lives over, because my life came out so shitty. And he's like your old friend? Yeah, but I don't know him that well, and I start finding out shit about him. He says, you got to do your life over, and I go, yeah, yeah, and then he fucking kidnaps me, and goes, I said you died, and now I got a new ID for you, and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?
It's sort of dark, it's weird. And so I liked it, because it's mostly him doing the jokes, like I am just straight man. And it was really fun, because it was, no one's going to give me that part. That's for like a Jason Bateman, or Ben Still, you know, you're in over your head, and you're trying to figure shit out.
And it's weird, you know, we have guns or shootouts, there's a... You're comfortable with guns. Drop me in the desert. So wait, now let's, before you go, like I don't do TMZ, I'm not out of the loop.
What the fuck happened, I know it's in the book, and you know, I know that things leveled off. I can't TMZ as a credit. But I don't know the story of what happened with that assistant year. Oh, oh, that thing.
Oh, uh, Skippy? Yeah, the quick version, I had an assistant who was... But was he a fan at first? He was working for Pete Siegel on Tommy Boy.
Okay. That's how I knew him. He was 300 pounds, he's 6'2", he's from Glendale. Yeah.
This area. And look at you twice now. And he was a nice guy, very sweet, I'm trying to be objective about this. He worked for Pete, he was very nice, 10 years, you know what I'm going through, and let's just start right now.
And so, weird coincidence, but everything was great for three years. He started getting, asking for tickets to stuff, and it's weird having an assistant, he's like, can I have tickets to you too, if you get them, can you get an extra one for me? I was like, I guess, because you don't want to be a dick, but I don't know where to draw the line. And then NBC was offering me Dodger tickets, and I wouldn't take them.
And he goes, you should take them. I go, no, no, because I'm going to owe them a favor. I didn't really want to go, and I thought, and then one day they called me in for a favor, and they go, and we gave you all those Dodger tickets, and I go, no, you didn't. And they go, yeah, your assistant always took them.
I go, did you go to those games? He goes, yeah, they didn't care. They just said, you know, and I go, oh. And then, What was the favor?
No, they just wanted me to go to New York or something, and I go, come on, we've been helping out. Yeah, yeah. And then Rebecca Romain, I was friends with them, Kid Rock, and he would text them without telling me. Rebecca's like, yeah, what does he want?
I just talked to Skippy, what's up? I'm like, nothing. She's like, what is he texting? He's just like, hey, how you been?
What are you doing tonight? And I go, this is getting weird. Then, long story short, one day, he got mad. I didn't put him in Joe Dirt.
I tried. And Kevin Nealon came through to the part. Yeah. Adam requested it.
I said, I can't. Outrank Adam. He asked for nothing. I just talked to him.
He goes, fuck, Adam. Tell him you fucking, you told me I could do it. I said, Skippy, I told you. I would try.
But Adam is the producer, and the only reason this is getting made, and it's Kevin fucking Nealon. I want him in. I'm sorry. I will find something else for the next movie.
Stewing over that. Then, a couple months later, we're in editing. He got broken up with a girl that day, and then the editing, he saw the scene with Nealon. He goes, I would have nailed it.
I would have nailed it. I'm like, still mad. He's like, fucking Adam. I'm like, what are you talking about?
It's getting weird now. Yeah. You can feel it. Yeah.
Five in the morning, I feel like someone's in my room. No one ever is, but he's like, oh, it's so weird. I look up. Someone's in my room.
He's in the hallway staring at me. 300 pounds of him. 300 pounds. I don't know what's anybody's fucking talking about.
He broke into the house. Hit me with a stun gun And then he starts punching me I rolled outside the bed And I was like What the fuck I looked at his blood on the bed I'm like He was staring at me Like a fucking crazed killer And I was like What the fuck is going I'm not even awake I didn't know what's going on And your friend is beating up I run to the door He throws me down again My shirt rips off Now there's more blood Now I haul us out front I get away again Miracle Get out of the front Because my house is a mansion You know a guard gate I have to throw a mansion This is in the flats In Beverly Hills It's not a mansion I had a guard gate So I can't even punch my coat Oh I can get out Of the Hotel California I'm like fuck I'm stuck So I run back And he's standing behind the car I'm like what's going on Now there's blood Because my toe pad Ripped up on the cement And the stun gun was cutting my arm And he's obviously beating me up You got a dart in you A stun gun dart No it's like It hits sharp points And the electricity goes across But the sharp points Are actually sharp So when he hits you with it It's scraping like cutting Not like a box cutter But it cuts like that So I go uncool But I thought for sure I'm dying I don't know why Why this is happening But it's over And then It all comes to you Like this is a Hollywood story This is how this shit happens And I don't know why And I ran up And I hit him in the face I went right at him And we went on the ground And I got to where I was hitting him in the head I got a great spot on him Like you see He dropped the stun gun Picked up with it I ran and slammed the door And it just barely closed And he hit the door like a rhino And I go this is it I can't fight anymore Knowing he was going to come in And kill me And it stopped him A quarter inch of that deadbolt I was like oh my god And I ran slid under my bed And what do I have Loaded shotgun Thank you mom in Arizona Was it that one? It wasn't but it's another one And I had it loaded And the only other person To know I had a loaded shotgun Was him And the cops were like He was trying to get it To shoot you And shoot himself That was the story So I got it Ran out and I said I'm the fucking god Then I got a super tough guy Because now I was going to win And I said I don't want to shoot you I'm going to fucking shoot you And then I went to the bathroom Locked in going Let me think I look in the mirror And I got blood on my face And I'm fucking shaking From the stun gun I go I'm going to pass out I go alright I'm going to Open the door I'm going to shoot your leg And I'm going to shoot you in the face So if you better get the fuck out You better back up And so I had to prep myself And I'm going to shoot him He's not in there Leave that stuff And then they couldn't find him They found him And he fought the cops And he had taken 100 Tylenol PMs He's trying to kill himself Big mess But they just found out He bought an 8-ball of coke And he did it all He'd never done it He was just trying it And he did it all And then he came to kill me And he's going to kill himself Did he cop to that? He said he couldn't remember But he did remember When they were sentenced And where's that guy now?
He works at a He works at a UPM somewhere And you know we I had him down to two days a week After that But what happened I've never seen him since And he was straining order and stuff But it was weird You don't want to kill Like that's not It had to be there already But I think he was resenting That it looked like I had an easy life Like he goes Oh you want a show And then you get to talk to Right he got too close And he started to sort of Glom on to thinking Like well I'm part of this life Why is it not Why am I doing this? And also maybe I think Like at certain points He was like I am doing it And then people were like Right when he started to be like I am living this life There was pushback Yeah And then he was like Oh yeah And then he doesn't want you To decide that he shouldn't have it So something didn't work Well I'm glad you're alright And I'm glad you're doing stand-up again Comedians I get to see I don't know if we ever get along Right right right But that's okay too Well you seem to be Pretty practical about that shit You got pretty solid Kind of like Yeah I try not to get It's too stressful Now it's easier But thank you for having me It's great talking to you I finally did it Well that was good It kind of cracks me up And I enjoy talking to him What else is coming up Go to WTFPod.com And you know Get some posters Or some things Or this or that Or want to get on the mailing list Do that Thank you as always For all the gifts and things In the mail I appreciate all the love and support Even though I don't always have The humility to be grateful enough To express that I do appreciate it I like records and I like stuff And I get a lot of stuff And thank you for all the emails And well wishes And everything else I had an amazing talk With the director Todd Haynes Which will be coming to you on Thursday I think I'll play some guitar If I can remember the lick I was doing Hold on Hold on Let's see what we can do Boomer lives Boomer lives