Alright, let's do this. How are you? What the fuckers? What the fuck, buddies?
What the fucksters? What's happening? I'm Mark Maron. This is WTF.
This is my podcast. Welcome to it. Today we have a great guest, Eliza Schlesinger. The comedian is going to be talking to me soon.
She's an intense comic, and I've enjoyed watching her get funnier and become more of a fucking pro. I worked with her years ago, years ago, down at the vine-covered La Jolla Comedy Store. Anyway, she'll be here in a little while, but I did want to say this. I was pretty excited about this, that, you know, I did a special.
I did one a few years ago that's been on Netflix for years, thinking pain. I don't always know when people, you know, what they get out of listening to me or going to my stand-up, and sometimes I don't know what people know me for, and it doesn't really matter. I'm fine with being a conversation list on the podcast. I've been a comedian more than half my life.
It's my first love and passion. I'm an amateur guitar player. I don't expect a lot of feedback for that. I do a TV show, but the point is that my special, my new one, More Later, which I was very proud of and I worked hard on, was released on Epix.
It was produced by Epix. Bob Goldthwait directed it, and a lot of people don't have Epix. A lot of people could not see the special. It is still available on Epix.
So if you want to get Epix, they have a lot of other stuff on. They're doing some original programming. There's more comedy on there. Get it.
Get Epix. You know, I mean, they did pay for the special. Epix did a fine job with it. They did whatever they could.
They provided me everything I needed, and we had a great show recorded live at the Vic in Chicago. And I set out to do something differently on that special, and I'll just tell you because the good news today is that, from what I understand, the special, More Later, my latest comedy special, is today, as of today, available on Hulu and on Amazon Prime. So that means a lot of you who couldn't see it because I didn't even know where to direct you. If you didn't have Epix, if it wasn't available on your cable or whatever, I didn't know what to tell you.
And I'll tell you why. Not the backstory, but what's different for me as a guy who does comedy, but clearly at this point in my career, a little more well-known for this rambling and this talking to other people. I worked about a year and a half putting that set together, and I did something I had not done. That I had not ever done in my life.
I just fantasy in my mind. I always work kind of loose, and I like working loose, and I don't even mind doing that on TV. Obviously, if you're doing, here's the way it breaks down. Like, if you've got to do a Conan set, or a Tonight Show set, or, you know, used to be Letterman, or, you know, Kim Oli, whenever you've got to stand up on a stage, on television, on one of those shows, you get about four and a half minutes.
That's about, you know, for me, you know, five or six jokes. You've got to tighten that thing up. You've got to take the jokes out of context. You've got to make that thing work in a four and a half minute chunk.
That's no easy trick, but as a comic who wants to do television, that's part of your job. Now, when you do a slightly longer set, like a premium blender, maybe you get your own half hour comedy special, it behooves you to structure the thing, but you've got a little more opening. You can be a move through stories. You can connect the dots.
You've got a little more freedom, but it still has to be tight. You should know where you're going. When you do an hour, you've got a couple of options. I've done several CDs, and they can be a lot looser, because you can cut those down, and edit those a little more precisely, and move through a few shows.
But when you've got an hour, like I did Thinkie Payne. For instance, Thinkie Payne was probably about an hour and a half, hour and 15 minutes. I did that for Netflix, and I went out of my way to stay loose, and to move through things that I was working on, and things that were tight, but none of it was new. With More Later, I wanted to do a big theater show.
Thinkie Payne was for about 250 people. It was a small club and I wanted it to be that way. I wanted to have that intimacy. I wanted to have a loose vibe.
But with More Later, I really worked in material. I did a tight hour or so, maybe a little longer, but I repeated it. I crafted it, and I wanted it to be, I wanted it to have points of reference that I called back later. It was really, I put a lot of work into it, and a lot of professional comic work, and the type of crafting of a special that I don't usually do necessarily.
Or maybe I just don't say I do it, but this was conscious, and I wanted to do it in a theater, which I was not a fan of. I'm not a huge fan of theater shows, because I don't think they necessarily are as intimate as they could be, but there was part of me that said, look, dude, you can make a large space intimate, just focus. So the reason I want everyone to see it, aside from the fact that I did it as a comedy special, is that I worked hard on it. And it was on Epix, and some people saw it, but most people didn't, and now it's on Hulu and Amazon Prime, and I'd like you to watch it.
So that's my plug for me. All right? What else can I tell you? I'm just having some feelings.
It's not because I'm old, but you know I don't have kids, and I don't have a wife, and I've had them. Not kids, but wives, and I'm very happy to say that recently I've had friends who've had children who have had some difficulties, relatives as well, and I get very invested in my friends' children and in them. And for a guy that used to be so selfish, somehow or another, and I guess this is the point of it, is that the more okay you are with yourself and the more able you are to sort of be in your own body and live your own life without deciding that it's not the life you want to live all the time or it's not quite right, it makes you a little more emotionally available to experience some of the joys I imagine normal people have, people who have responsibilities and have had their own children and have to deal with that every day. But I just found myself very moved recently by some progress that my brothers get made and my friends get made.
I literally get choked up when obstacles are overcome by other people's kids. And I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I think I'm just happy that my heart is connected properly. It only took 50 years, but be nice to each other.
It's very hard now. We've got a lot of things coming at us all the time. It's just an onslaught of garbage. And I don't know, man.
It's just like when I really think about, when I pull out, because I can't keep up with anything. I can barely keep up with politics, with pop culture. I'm very busy. And when I check in, it's sort of like, it doesn't take long to get caught up because a lot of it is just this onslaught of garbage.
You know, at some point, we've got to pull ourselves away to really decide where our hearts are aligned. You know, what does it really mean? You know, the decisions you're making about the future of yourself, about the rest of the day, about your country. I mean, how much distance are you taking to really think it through without being pummeled by propaganda, by information, by other people's ideas?
I mean, do you really know for yourself what the right thing is for reasons that make sense? I mean, do you take the time to do that? How many of your own thoughts do you really have? I mean, if you really think about what the amount of information and the amount of access that we have is doing to our memories, I mean, is there a reason to even have a memory anymore?
Do you have your own personal memories? How much of them have been annihilated by this short-term cancer of immediate access to any information? You know, like porn, too. Porn is just, you know, somehow, if you're not careful, it can annihilate your ability to interact intimately with another human being.
And just, you know, information in general, just in your pocket, on your phone, on your computer, just, it's coming at you. It's coming at you. And most of our fucking identity these days, and I imagine kids who grew up with this stuff are a little more depth at that, but, you know, most of our identity is based on, you know, how we reckon with the onslaught of information and how we can find our own thoughts within it. Sometimes I talk to people and I tell them things and a week later they tell them back to me like they thought of themselves.
What is that? That's because there's too much information coming in and you can't separate it. All you're doing is, you know, sponging up and taking in and it feels like you're thinking, but I don't know if you're thinking. I mean, unfortunately, I'm too exhausted and too anxious to engage with the pace of everything on a day-to-day basis, and I try to figure out what the fuck I'm thinking.
Am I having my own thoughts? Am I having my own ideas? Do I have things that I like that are truly mine? I believe I do.
I'm working on it. Eliza Schlesinger is my guest today, and you can see her new show, Separation Anxiety, premieres on March 8th on TBS, and now let's talk to Eliza. You good? Yeah.
What, are you going to just get all quiet now? No. Because we're on the mic and you're just going to shut down? Yeah, I get, you're just going to shut my pants.
Oh, come on. Whenever I follow you at the store, because I've been bringing you up for almost maybe six years now, or vice versa, I think I would go forward. We'll go back and forth. Yeah.
I brought you up before. Our energies are so different. Uh-huh. And so whenever you are off, like, I almost have to, like, do a smudge stick, because I'm like, I can't match that.
Well, that's the best approach. Totally. I mean, I've done the other approach is, like, I'll just jump into that. Mm-hmm.
Fucking that's, no, you can't do that. You can't. What do you mean? I have a, well, you're intense and full of energy.
Super intense and full of energy. Like, I move around a lot. When I see you on the stage, you're almost always in a fetal position, whether erect or horizontal, and it's so introspective, and it's, like, real shit, and it's a lecture. I'm like, a lecture.
I've got to make sure I get in. Then you're in college, and it's like, boom, blow it up. Well, I mean, the first time I worked with you was, what, in La Jolla? Like, what, were you a child?
Yeah. It was not my mom. Yeah. When was that?
Oh, I don't know. I don't even remember that. How could you not remember? Were you headlining?
Yeah. And you were in the middle. It had to have been, like. It had to have been 2007.
Right. Yeah. That long ago. So you were kind of like a child, in a way.
And I feel so, like, I'm big-timing you by now. I remember, like, your hair was different. I think your family was there. Was Nick Yousef with us?
Yeah. I was so nervous. I remember this now. I forgot that you were headlining.
I was so nervous. It was my first time going there. Yeah. And my family came, and I remember, I think I texted you and Nick, and I was like, we're going to go to dinner if anyone wants to come.
I didn't know the protocol. Or I don't think I texted you. I was like, what can I say to Mark Maron? Nothing.
I texted Nick here. I was like, I shouldn't bother anyone. I was so... Oh, so it's like, are we all part of the same team?
No, I wasn't staying in the condo. I don't think I was. I don't think I was. I think I drove back and forth.
Yeah, and now it could not be less of a big deal. Well, wait. So, what was your family doing in San Diego? My dad had driven down with my uncle, and my brother was like, I'll come because it's free food, and I did a thing.
And it wasn't your first comedy club gig? No, but it was my first time in La Jolla. Isn't it what's amazing about La Jolla is how was she able to reconstruct that dark, shitty energy and dump it onto a beach? Move it to a beautiful place.
It is, maybe because it's a little removed from the beach, and it's in a shitty old building. I know, but that building is not that old. It's just like, it's covered in ivy. Yeah, it's like a steakhouse.
Like, the earth wants to take it back. It's like, how is that the haunted, most shitty-looking place in the area? Yeah, it's the energy of the comics. I don't know what it is.
It does feel exactly like her. Like, that's how you realize that Mitzi had this weird power to bring that design in that dark. You walk in, it's just dark and weird. The whole theme, the whole comedy store, with black and red colors.
Black and red, yeah. The colors of Satan. Yeah. And inside, the colors of our Lord.
Yeah. And inside, it's like that weird Spanish tile. Yeah. Like, inside looks like the lobby of a Mexican restaurant, like an old one.
In La Jolla. Yeah. Right in the bar area. Yeah.
But isn't it carpeted in the showroom? It's kind of shitty. It is shitty. It's a shitty red curtain or a black curtain.
I can't remember. This is a terrible story, but that was the first club where I almost got into a physical altercation with an audience member. With a chick or a dude? It was, well, I thought it was a dude making noise.
Yeah. It was like the last five minutes of the set. It's the worst. It's the worst.
You're like, if you only knew how close we were. Yeah, yeah. It's almost out. I didn't hurt anybody.
Yeah. Or me. Or myself. It was making all these noises.
And he was doing it, you know, sometimes I do it to get attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just snapped. Oh, damn.
I think at the time, I lacked the comedic skills to properly deal with it or to really stand on myself. I think you're great at snapping. I saw red. I jumped into the audience, which is a foot drop from the stage.
Yeah. I threw tables. I pushed them out of the way. Got right in there.
I got in there, and the guy gave up his girl. It was her. Right. Threw her right under the bus.
All I remember thinking was, if I hit her, I'm in trouble. But if I get her to hit me, she's in trouble. And I can hit her. I bopped her.
You did? Bopped her on the shoulder. Oh, that was it? What am I going to do?
I went to private school. What am I going to do? Punch her? No, but were you saying, you fucking got it?
No, I was like, what's your fucking problem? I bopped her. Trying to get her to hit me back. And then they broke it up.
But I was amped. I was like, I will see you in the parking lot. And Mark Ellis was like, no, we're not going to. Oh, my God.
I was so angry. Did that happen a lot on stage for you? That has not happened before. I definitely, I don't do this anymore.
How long ago was that? Oh, God. Maybe like 2010, 2011. Because you're all full of the beans up there.
You know, like you're jumping around. You're talking fast. You're making voices. Yeah, it's like church.
It's like a Baptist church. No, but you're smart. And you fucking lay out the words. And you got, you know, good observations.
You have like a, you have a momentum. I can only imagine that you, in some sort of weird rage, would be nothing but entertaining to comedians. Entertaining, sure. I think also there's that, you have that energy when someone gains to fucking interrupt you in the middle of this freight train.
Right. No, I know. Believe me. You're talking.
I know. I would, I fear for the person who interrupts you. No, I used to, I used to snap all the fucking time. Like I have to consciously, like sometimes at the store, depending on how much coffee I've had, I mean, it's, it can still happen.
Like, because like, you know, when you're up there and you feel like an audience is either resistant or difficult to manage. And there's part of you that wants to fucking unload, but they ultimately don't have anything to do with them. Right. But yeah, but you want to do it.
You want to do it. And you want to, I've given, I don't get angry anymore if they don't laugh at a joke that like empirically works. Like this is, I would just be like, that is a network approved joke. And you're wrong for not laughing.
Moving on. They like that. They like that. A little bit of abuse.
I think that like, uh, like having some meta commentary about what you're doing to sort of protect yourself from your judgment. It changes the energy and then they get on your side. I have two stock lines that I use. To address that they're not laughing when I want them to.
It usually shakes them out like, oh, better pay attention while I'm wearing my drinks. And they do. And they, they get that. Well, you just, you got, you know, you're a big build person.
You're going somewhere. There's a destination. There's going to be a closer. A defined closer.
Sit tight, folks. Don't fuck with it. And we'll get you there. So 2007, that's when I worked with you down there.
So when, what's the, so that's, it's weird. It's like eight years ago. Yeah. I can't do that math.
I trust you when you said eight. Right. But I mean, how old are you? I'm 32.
Isn't that wild? I judge at all. I mean, to be doing that, I remember last time I was in 2008. So I can always remember what came on either side of that.
Yeah, but where did you come from? Where did I come from? Yeah, I mean, like, why? Because like back then, I'm like, she seems to have something.
Why don't I know her? Thank you. And then I feel like I didn't see you for like a couple of years. Yeah.
And then like, you all of a sudden you had long hair and you're grown up and you're pretty and you had a dog. And what the fuck happened to that girl? I go, the hair was extensions because I was on a TV show. Because like when I met, remember you like, for some reason it was almost feathered in my mind.
It was not feathered. It was a Tommy. It's not Tom Petty. Right.
Although my hair does, I'll show you when we're done. I'll take my hair down and I'll lay it flat. I have the worst white trash haircut. It just rose into this like feathered.
Right. It wasn't though. You're remembering it wrong. Really?
I had very short hair. I had very short hair. And then after the show, I went on tour for a very long time. And then that was the beginning of that.
So where'd you come from originally? I'm from Dallas. But I didn't start doing Santa until I got to LA. So you grew up in Dallas, Texas?
I grew up in Texas. People, that's the first reaction. It's a knee jerk thing. People like to shit on it.
But it's a lovely place. I grew up in New Mexico. Oh my God, really? Yeah.
So like we were your neighbors. So we had to deal with you in your ski outfits. Right. Like Ruedozo.
I've been there. Ruedozo or Dallas or Santa Fe. Yeah. So my Texas bias was based on obnoxious behavior on ski slopes primarily.
Just, yeah. So what was the deal in Dallas? How many brothers and sisters? I have one brother.
Younger? My brother is two years younger. And he spends half of his year in Northern California growing acres of medical marijuana. And then he spends the other half of his year in Atlanta working in music.
Parents are very proud. You both turned out so well with secure employment and education. Well, here's what my dad said about my brother the other day. My dad works for principal financial.
I have a half-brother and half-sister as well. And my dad calls me. He goes on a big trip every year for principal financial. Yeah.
And he calls me. He's from New York. He goes, you know, last year it was in Mexico and you didn't come. I'm like, of course not.
I'm not going on a family vacation. I'm a grown woman. I've got a mortgage. Last year it was in Mexico.
He didn't come. The year before I was in the Bahamas. This year Emily can't come. And Brad is in college.
And Ben, well, he's a felon. So he doesn't have a passport. So you're invited. Did you go?
No, I'm not going. He's a felon? He's a felon. He's a big brother.
We know what he is. Is he really? Sure. No, you mean just like, yeah, he just can't get a passport.
I mean, it's a whole thing. I think he's in the clear now. Oh, good. He's a good guy.
So your dad migrated from Jews in New York. To Texas To Texas There's Jews in Dallas Yeah No there's Jews in Texas The Texas Jews we call them There's not a lot of them And I don't think growing up It was like a part of it But like what So did you move there with your mom? Yeah my parents I was born in New York City And my parents were New Yorkers And then when I was like Eight months old We moved to Dallas Oh for her whole life My whole life I wish I could say born and raised But I kind of like that I was born in New York Yeah yeah you got it I thought you were from New York I was born in New Jersey Okay yeah Another state people love to hate Yeah that's true That's a very pretty state It's a great state And a lot of good things I'm from New Jersey New Jersey is like the heartland in a way For rock and roll and a lot of stuff Bruce Springsteen And the other one With the three songs Bon Jovi Yes Bon Jovi That's enough That's enough But did you have like family in New York Did you have a connection At least you could go To see your grandparents or something Yeah we go We go to my aunt and uncles And my grandma lived there for a while My aunts and uncles And then they moved here What I always think is so weird They moved to California Sorry to Dallas Oh really They want to be close to you No My parents got divorced And then my mom's parents Everyone moved the whole mishpuffa As they'll call it Moved to Dallas I always think it's so weird Just all the things that befall those efforts Does that make sense Yeah you're being very diplomatic And mature about this Well I just think like my aunt for example Yeah Your father's sister My father's sister My dad's family has like the dorkiest names Oh yeah My dad's family has like the dorkiest names Fred, Arthur, Jerry, Lois, Thelma Like the worst names Like the kind of names Like an immigrant gift to their children Because you don't know they're dorkies Right Or they want to be American sounding Right Better than Jacob, Judith Right Just at least I mean this was all the time I always think about like my dad So he lives here And my aunt Lois She was nice And she was married to my uncle Cliff Who's a piece of shit And they lived in Florida And we would visit them And once in a while And they lived on Long Island I mean these are just memories you have And then when my aunt got sick And my uncle Cliff Without telling anyone Just decided to move the whole family to Dallas Thinking that my dad would like Help take care of it Right And then she died like three months later Oh that's sad But it's weird because like That's like a chunk of your life And your family gone No one talks about it She's got kids But like they were not really communicative It's just so weird To see a whole branch of the family Crumble off Yeah And you didn't see them anymore I saw them when they were kids And I don't live in Dallas now But you didn't grow up with them kind of They were having later They would definitely be Well they're old baby boomers My mom's like 60 She's going to kill me 60 something 65 Yours are baby boomers She's a baby boomer My dad's younger than my mom I think my parents are like The generation right before So between the greatest generation The baby boomers What was there? Almost baby boomers Just like still kind of feeling Reeling from the depression Yeah a little bit But no but it's so weird To think your parents are scared They still have a hard time being empathetic I think that's really sort of What we're saying here Like how come your parents What was the divorce?
Messy? How old were you? I was seven Really? Were they just across town from each other?
I mean did they live in Dallas? Everyone lived in Dallas My dad moved away He did? My dad got an apartment Which was cool because he always had fresco And we didn't have soda in my house He always had soda Because when you get a divorce Dad will buy you all the junk food Yeah just so you'll hang out Or just so you're happy And he doesn't care He's a man What's he going to buy you Like special lapid and stuff He doesn't care And then my dad and my stepmom Moved to Connecticut And then I got to spend some summers there What part? Stamford Really?
Like a nice part of it Yeah Yeah yeah yeah So he left So he's not in Dallas anymore He's in Dallas He moved back Moved back from my brother Who needed like a father figure Gotta help that kid Gotta do something That's fucking selfless of him I mean who knows Who knows the real reason But I mean my brother then left my house And went to go live with my dad So I kind of became like an only child Yeah My brother was like a couple blocks away You were with your mom? It was my mom and my stepdad How's that guy? He's the best Oh good Randy's great And how's your stepmom? She's great too I really lucked out Yeah Like they both are really lovely people And does your mom's husband have kids?
Yeah And your dad's wife has kids? Well they had kids My dad and his wife had kids together Okay so you have half brothers Yeah and my stepdad had three kids And they're older than me Oh my god But we don't all get together Like we took There was like one or two family vacations With my stepdad and his kids But for the most part Like it was just me Yeah Like siblings if I wanted them Like rent a sibling So you grew up mostly with your mom Yeah In Dallas In Dallas Now let me try to project A personality on you Okay You're very entertaining And full of energy You had to have been a jock right? So here's why it's a complicated question Because I had a very Not bizarre but it wasn't a It was a typical I went to a private school I went to a very competitive College property private school Yeah So I was only 100 kids in our grade So in your high school It was about 400 kids Yeah So while we were really competitive We played football And we had sports We did all that stuff You played football? Our school Because everyone thinks Texas While our sports meant everything to us We weren't in a conference With like huge high schools Right So we didn't have You were in the rich kid private school conference?
It's called the Southwestern Preparatory Conference We took it very seriously So while it was almost like A microcosm of experiences There were no No one got beaten up Because everyone was there On their own academic merit Right Because of sports For the most part We would let kids in But you had to hang It was a little racist Really? But it was fine You give kids a chance So I played sports In private school You get to play You get to be on the team You may not be on varsity But you get to be on one of the teams So I always played And I played lacrosse When I was on varsity Because it was a brand new sport Lacrosse With the little netted baskets And you got to move it back and forth The inertia keeps it in And you got that? I got that I was defense So I didn't have to hate running So you're tough It's a tough sport And I very much enjoyed And you were a swimmer? I swam What was your stroke?
That was mine too Yeah? You swam? I did What's your split time? I don't remember I don't either And all I know is that I didn't do it at school I did it in part of a swim club So I competed Well no I don't know if I was good I had a B time and a 50 rest Never in a time Never in a time No but I did alright You were in the second heat Yeah you know I've never been able to function competitively I think for swimming It's very life or death for me Losing is just terrifying Really?
It is But I think people who learn how to play sports Can handle losing better First of all I enjoy I hate losing more than I like winning Yeah Does that make sense? Yeah And you know especially in comedy Most comics didn't play sports And while I wasn't winning any awards and scholarships It still teaches you You're a little more well rounded than the others I completely agree with that And I've said many times on this show That if you have kids Just get them into some sort of sports So they can understand losing You can understand losing It's always like to be a part of a team In terms of swimming You were never going to be good at swimming Unless you started from a young age The kids that we started They were all like I did a swim club when I was 10 I had 6 with them That's a skill Like you have to come from a very young age Yeah I was never good at backstroke That's only for like meaty tall women That's not the way the body should move I don't know what Nazi invented The backstroke to get from point A to point B Couldn't do it I'd always turn over before I got to the edge And fucking get disqualified Yes Because they tell you I'm going to really break something I fucked it all up So you're lacrosse and swimming I did those Pretty jockey They're all the sports I didn't play field hockey Basketball was tiring And I went to KU my freshman year Before I transferred to Emerson KU what's that University of Kansas Really? Yeah and I thought when I got there Because I was like School's a piece of cake I'm going to play some sports I walked on to their lacrosse team It was like a club team Because they didn't have a school team And I played rugby for one week So I did both of those Rugby these are tough sports That's why I stopped Those girls were like corn fed Like 6 feet tall Like 5th year seniors Like we're going to block with our necks I'm like I'm not doing this For free And then lacrosse I remember I showed up Hungover to one practice And we're running drills And I was like I don't need this I'm not getting any money For the sport I don't need this Like to play anything There's no You're not helping with tuition Why am I killing myself To play with a bunch of lesbians It's so weird I quit How Jewish were you brought up? I had a bat mitzvah Yeah and that was it?
I went to confirmation I went to Sunday school I went to Israel when I was 16 God you did the whole thing Did the whole thing How was Israel for you? What's your dog doing? What's the dog's name? The dog's name is Blanche Hey Blanche Hi Blanche You're one of these people That carries your dog around You're accessorized with a dog No hold on I don't carry the dog You've got cats And I prefer my dog Not to dismember your cats In your own homes Oh you're overestimating your dog And underestimating my cats That one with the one eye The gray cat Lafonda Would rip this dog apart Lafonda Would rip him apart Her Blanche When did you start doing this dog thing?
I got the dog When I started pouring And I was like You brought the dog on the road Is this a service dog? Yeah It is? Sure How do I get the letter From like a doctor? Isn't a service dog Just a dog It's total bullshit But what I believe Is even more bullshit Is that the airline Charges you at all To take your pet on the plane I have a whole theory about this Because people get very angry They don't have to service dogs People have service pigs Like the whole thing's out of control And the airline will charge you Oh that was like a whole thing On the news a couple months ago So I'm so out of the loop With the important topics They're just like A couple headlines On the side of like Service pig Service pig The airline I have an issue Not with rules But the airlines will charge you $100 to $100 to bring a pet What if you put it in a box And put it in cargo?
You don't do that No one does that anymore Unless you're shipping a horse You don't do that You can ship a horse? Yeah Wow I do it all the time I don't know I mean that's been sort of Like it's a round one Before we get all up on your soapbox About the justice The injustice of charging for a dog I want to know what the prescription For this fucking dog is What do you mean? Like what did the doctor write you? It is like a The language is something Like diagnosed with a low-grade anxiety disorder And this dog is This patient is under my care And this dog is part of her therapy A low-grade anxiety disorder I'm paraphrasing low-grade anxiety But that's a good anxiety Generalized anxiety Generalized Because you don't want to assign You don't want to give me something I think that like if I run for a marijuana They'll be like It says I'm your bipolar You're schizophrenic You need a dog to talk to So I do So she gave me something really Like we all have anxiety Generalized Have you ever been diagnosed With generalized anxiety disorder?
On the paper No but I mean I've never seen a psychiatrist Never seen a psychiatrist You're so fucking well-adjusted Eliza I don't know about that What do you mean I don't know about that You're just like a grounded And fucking jockey And you know Doing the fucking thing It's not at all I'll tell you something I want to know how you're fucked up I'll tell you right now I can't This hit me this morning I have this thing where I go on dates with people And I like immediately Don't want to see them After we have like An intimate experience Not sex Not even sex Just like making it on a car Like dry humping Hand job What are we talking about? I don't know Okay fine I think also because they annoy me I just I get turned off very quickly And it's not a rational thing But I just If I don't get a text that I like Or an answer that I like Or I think they're being rude I'm like fuck Layer five One time I blocked a number Because a guy said something I didn't like I don't want to deal with you ever You said that Or you just blocked it And this is after one date? We went on a couple dates I told this story on my own podcast But I will say this What's your own podcast called? It's called Truth and Eliza So I'm just saying I'm aware of the fact I told the story We went out four times Lovely dates School guy Whatever What do you do?
Just in real estate And just to speak things along for funsies Real estate wasn't a fucking red flag Real estate But it's not like douchey real estate Like I couldn't be a personal trainer So now I'm in real estate It's like legitimate Oh so you're saying it's high end douchey real estate You mean it's not desperate real estate It's just douchey real estate Real estate, personal trainer, and jewelry maker All three of those say to me First often didn't work out He used to be travel agent Yoga instructor, Pilates instructor That just says acting didn't work Sure, but that's okay Some of those people are very helpful He's fine But So I Whatever, I'm very okay with my body I sent him not a topless picture But like a half Like a shirt Like underboob kind of picture Right? Just to be like Hey Look at my boobs Yeah And I can't get over this to this day He wrote back Me liking that picture a long time And I almost threw my phone in the toilet What a mistake for the non-comedic personality To try to be funny It's not but it's hacky If you're taking that from Full Metal Jacket It's hacky And I didn't answer And then he wrote Hero Yeah, Hero? Come on And I couldn't answer And then the next day he wrote Why you don't like me And I was like Why are you talking In Chinese and Asian baby talking? I guess with the text He didn't quite understand He was bombing Oh, right You couldn't hear The commonest silence Right And that's also Isn't that like Something I said In relation to a prostitute Like me love you a long time Yeah, it was a Vietnamese prostitute Right So that had other connotations Just so many things I was like I don't want to see Where this is going to go What was the last long-term Relationship you had?
I don't know Come on I don't know I literally want to know these things I don't I never talk about this I'm trying to find out What makes you human Okay We should have done a pre-interview What makes me relatable I know it makes you relatable But you do a lot of material About your experience dating About like It relates And a lot of things Relate to it What's the longest relationship You've ever had? I've been in a couple of Year-long relations Year-long Yeah, and the last one was The last one was about six months And I ended that in March How'd you end that one? I was like I don't want to do this That would be one of the slower More adult Like drawn out Like we broke up And then we hung out It's hard, right? That one was Just because he was so available And so good looking But ultimately God, those are horrible complaints How'd you live through it?
I didn't want to talk I didn't want to hear I didn't want to hear his answers Oh, really? Well, could you date Like a playmate? Could Marc Maron date a playmate? No I've been hypnotized By irrational beauty before And then what happens After the hypnosis wears off?
Well, what ultimately happens For me when I dated You know, well, I married her I became How'd that work out? Well, it didn't But it wasn't me Like I became very possessive I became very sort of like I don't know if it's obsessive But I didn't understand relationships You know, like There's like another person there That has For real Sometimes And I think the older you get And the more I don't want to say hardened But the wider your eyes Are open to the reality of the situations Some dude scolded me yesterday Not dating And he's like You never asked me What I'm up to What I'm doing I'm like We're not dating I don't care what you're doing And I don't think I think sometimes I display male traits And he's like You need to be more open I'm like Don't you think women get tired Of being vulnerable all the time? Wait, how about a little? How about a little?
You have to earn it Not you How long does it take To earn the openness? Yeah, you put your hand out When you see a dog And you put your hand out And you let him smell your hand It's like that But if you're coming at me With lines As a comic You just like Suss people out Me liking a long time I don't want to tell you My deepest secrets Look what you said to me Maniac I think maniac is a little much Maybe boar But here's another trade off So you spend your life Analyzing these things And looking for imperfections And all that stuff The other side I was out last night I was talking to a very attractive man At a bar Did you go to bars? I went out Jody Miller came with me To feature in Nashville So we went out last night Because it's fun But for the most part I don't go out on the road What, you just did a one-nighter? No, we were there the weekend At Zany's?
At Zany's It's great, right? I love it It's great, I love Nashville I love Nashville I love country music So it was weird Like you come off stage And you're a rock star And you want your picture And you bring you gifts And it's like this amazing thing And the club I wanted to go to this club called Acme So Zany's called And they were like Oh, we went out We called over for you No problem There'll be a line Just go to the front of it And say who you are And I was like Cool, you know what? I don't give things chances I'll go I want to wait in line I don't either I won't go anywhere I just as a girl I don't want to wait in line I just won't go I can't get to the front of the line I can get on lists occasionally You can get him Come on You're going to be the president I'll drop that At the true door Yeah, my little glass dome And I walk up to the guy And I just went Hi, we're from And I didn't use my name Because I didn't expect him to know who I was I went Hi, we're from Zany's And he wouldn't even look at me He goes, don't know And I was like Oh God, this is so embarrassing I was like We're comedians from Zany's And they called He's like, don't know what you're talking about I go, really? The word Zany's means nothing to you And the anger is bubbling up inside me Especially as a comic You're like, what is the meanest thing I can say to you To make you want to kill yourself When you get home You fuck sick With like a control fan Anyways, I just went, okay That was it?
You didn't say Eliza Schlesinger? No, I didn't want him to know That I was the one cursing his name As I walked away My tail between my legs We just went from another bar What was I supposed to say? Well, this anger to me Is very compelling I was angry I know Where did you dump that anger later? You just sucked it up?
Come on Alright, so I came up with a couple of insults in my head Hey, when you're coaching your CrossFit class tomorrow, hope you think of your choices. Oh, zing. So what happened at that bar? So you said you're out at the bar.
You had to go to the bar. Well, my point is, so you can spend your analyzing relationships and looking for someone to mentally simulate you. What do you do with your act? Yeah, but it's very hard to separate the two if it's an authentic act.
Of course, you understand that. Yeah, so what I'm saying is you can spend your life and you do. I try not to. Okay.
Really try. My point is I just ended up talking to somebody very attractive, army. He's from the army, infantry, obviously, because he was retarded, but so hot. But have you ever done that?
Have you ever dated a dude that was... I've never talked about dating and I don't know why. You don't have to talk about it. I like talking about it because I've never done it in my life.
Dated? No, usually I meet somebody in a way that they know me or don't close up on me. No, no, I'm not. I'm agreeing with you.
That's why I'm just justifying talking about it. But you can't seem to maintain a relationship for more than a year and you have very low tolerance. The low tolerance thing. You're quick and you're smart and you're agile mentally, physically.
I don't think men enjoy these things. Maybe that's true. But that's not... You know, and to say I can't maintain it.
I dated one guy who turned out to be a sociopath. I couldn't... Really? Are you just throwing that word around?
No, for real. What were your indicator? I did a... This is not happening about it.
I wrote an article about it. Yeah. We wrote a screenplay about it. Really?
Like a real one. Yeah. No conscience. No capacity for empathy.
Ice, cold, everything. Always from the beginning? At first it was sort of this like downtown Abbey-ish sort of area that just kind of like held back. I don't know.
To me he was smart and he was almost regal and just very cutting and witty and I appreciated that. And he was very kind to me. He wasn't like if I fell he would be like are you okay? But then it turned out he lied about everything.
But to have something like that happen you know that takes a chunk out of you. Oh yeah. A trust chunk. Well but everybody walks around and they want women to be open and vulnerable and forever just like ripping their hearts open like who wants to come on in?
But like stuff like that takes time to heal and you're only in control of how it manifests itself to a certain extent. So I really went out of my way not to take it out on anyone. That being said you know if you beat a dog enough eventually it's not going to want to come out of its corner. The heart can only take so much.
For real. So there's that. And you know so you meet these guys and this is the first. Where do you meet guys?
Are you on Tinder? No. I'm sorry. Do you do a J-date?
No. We're too much of a celebrity to do that. I'm just famous enough that I don't get invited to like a Rolex gifting suite but it just fucks with my life enough that it's a little difficult. Like I'm not like on a red carpet.
No I know I'm the same place. But I just started a dating app. I'm not going to mention the app but you have to like apply to be on it and I did it because at a certain point you can't keep dating people that you know and you can't ask your friends. Nobody really cares if you date anyone.
People have given me this feedback a lot lately where they're like wow you've got a lot of rules and you are very black and white. And I don't realize it. And I think the older I get the harder to separate being a comedian from your actual... From being a person.
But from being a person but like I look at your act and you and they're very similar. It comes from you. It's not like you're up there with a banjo singing about vagina. Not anymore.
Right. Not anymore. It didn't work out. But so it's hard to turn that off and especially you know if one person criticizes you then it's them.
But if enough people are saying it and I'm like sitting here and my head is really I'm like what can I do to soften and something that I don't even realize is coming out as harsh. Right. Well I mean it's also weird too when you meet people and they know what you do or they Google you or they go watch what they're expecting or how you know when people are... Like you never know people are like you because you're after them.
Sure. But also I think part of it being... I hate to talk about the female comedy thing because I've had pretty good success with it. You know you're on the defense a lot.
Right. And then the question is if you're not on the defense what's going to happen? Well someone's going to pull one over me or someone's going to say something shitty. I mean I have memories of walking into green rooms and no one would look at me.
That I hadn't met. The male comics can be pieces of shit. But you know years of that it takes a toll on a person in terms of rigidity. And so you know you try to leave it all on the stage and you try to leave it at a comedy club but just that sort of armor that is accrued over time from doing something this difficult it's there.
I think that's there. Yeah. But no but like you're finding a lot of success in a business that's hard and I think a lot of it has to do with having those experiences. Walking into those green rooms with dudes that probably some of them over the course of your life aren't even funny enough to have the attitude that they have.
Right. It is sort of a boys club. There's no way around that. Sure.
And you know once you get to a certain level no one who for the most part the people that are my peers have been more successful than me they're not dicks. You're not a dick. Jim Jeffries is not a dick. Your wedding's not a dick.
Because with success comes you know you kind of like Yeah you did it. You made it. You know you made your bones. You paid your dues.
And you're doing well. So you know there's respect but it's a comic's respect. It's not like that chick's alright. You know what I mean?
You work fucking hard. You work hard. And so I don't know. I don't have a I love my job.
I take dates to the comedy store all the time. You do? All the time. You're going to have to see the act at some point.
Right. And I'm not ashamed of it. So you may as well come but I never say you have to. And then by the third one they're like don't you do any new jokes?
Oh my god. It's the worst. Whenever I bring my girl to the club I'm like I'm going to do a few of the ones you've seen. It's the act.
It's the act. You got to work out the act. I think it's so cute when they want to participate. And they're like you know what would be funny?
You think that's cute? My initial reaction is like yeah yeah okay. Well what they'll do I've noticed and by the way you don't have to come see my actor I've got to set it at 8 I can meet you for dinner before or after. I don't drink before I go on stage so if you want to get shit faced we can do it after.
It's always a thing. I imagine most of them would go with after. You know what? The older I get the more I'm going to be up early.
I'm like really? The thought of me taking my shirt off and making out if you have drunk doesn't appeal to you? Fine. All of them.
You've got to be up early and every man pass out. I don't know what this is. Once I hit 30 make conversation with someone over text no answer. Sorry I fell asleep.
I'm like this is a diagnosed issue. Passing out you better not be driving a vehicle. But they'll come and then after they'll be like I notice who they'll look around the room to help out and I notice who was laughing at this show. And I think it's endearing and I think it's a cute way to involve yourself because you don't know much about.
That's something you can never do. Ever. Know it. So you went to Kansas University?
University of Kansas. University of Kansas for a year? Yeah I transferred to Emerson. Emerson the comedian school.
Yeah the fighting comic. That's our mascot. Is it really? It's a lion.
I knew a lot of you went to Emerson. It's still a good school for what you wanted. What did you study? I was a filmmaker.
Oh yeah? It's whatever. I don't think the film teachers there give a shit as long as you do the project. Were there any old comics teaching there when you were there?
No. No. So what happened? So you didn't want to pursue film?
You finished Emerson then what happened? I don't. Well I moved. I did a semester at C.
So I graduated early. My mom would make me take for like your gen ed. She would make me take when I go home to Dallas in the summer I would take my gen ed at like a community college. What are those?
Like just like little bullshit requirements. Like an arts one. So I took like aerobics. Because it takes one credit but that's a couple thousand dollars you save your parents.
Does that make sense? So I graduated early. I did a semester at C. So you went on a boat around the world with 600 other kids.
Really? Yeah. How was that? It was amazing.
They did a season of the real world on that boat. Theo Vaughn was on that one. Oh really? It was like two years before me.
So you stop in like 14 countries you get to see the world. Hammered. But you get to see the world. You get to be drunk at the Taj Mahal like an idiot.
All sweaty and hungover everywhere. I'm so sick. You were nauseous in so many parts of the world. At so many holy sites.
And then you come home a little bit heavier than you planned. And I did the Emerson LA program that's famous for you move to LA and Emerson houses you and you take your last set of requirements at the Emerson LA Center and you intern in the industry. And that's why Emerson is so prevalent in the entertainment industry. Oh I see.
So where did you intern? I interned at the now-defunct United Artists which is a subsidiary of MGM. United Artists? It's gone?
I think so. Or it was if I might have come back. It was in Century City. That's sad because that was one of the first studios.
When did the comedy start? When that bug hit you? So I always did improv in high school. Oh really?
I was only improv too. In Dallas? Yeah. I was always funny.
You're always funny. People ask that. You don't just become funny. You are funny.
I've seen some people become funny. Really? In comedy? Yeah.
But they always had something. I guess. There were people I started out with where I'm like how is anyone ever going to laugh at this? And that's how they click in.
Because there's a difference between being naturally funny and learning how to be on stage. And there's some people that I don't think can even talk to other people that became funny on stage. But I guess you were always there's always an inkling there. Sure.
You want to do it. Yeah. I knew I was going to make people laugh for a living. So of course I'm in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas growing up it's watching Living Color and watching Saturday Night Live and Kids in the Hall and stuff like that.
So I was always into characters. I did improv as a little thing. You did characters? I always liked watching characters.
And I liked sketch. I loved sketch. And I would write sketches and we would film them in my living room. We would recreate Saturday Night Live sketches.
Really? And all my girlfriends you know they want to be lawyers and doctors but they would come over and I would write them and we would do like Cajun Boy and like You still have these tapeses? Yeah. Digitize those fuckers.
Put them up on your site. This is when I was younger. Black male. And so we did that and then when I got to Emerson I was in a sketch troupe and we were like the cool kids which was my first experience with that.
Yeah. And then when I got to LA I had done a one man show at school. That part's boring. What was that about?