Everywhere, USA - This Episode Is Derivative of All the Others

Our small town tour guide, Dr. Jess, is out of town again, and has left us to our own devices.  We will be mining for comedic gold in a veritable sea of unused articles from past episodes.  Unfortunately, much like the small town carnival raging outside our window, this may leave you feeling a little bloated, cheated, and concerned for the future of humanity.Small Town News--whose headline is it, anyway? @SmallTownNewsImprov