Fatness, Self Approval and True Healing

I have been really on this thread of the lie of conventional beauty standards.They are, most certainly, a lie.The idea that changing how you look could change how you are is a lie.If you don’t love yourself now, as you are, you will not love yourself 10, 20, 40, or 100 pounds lighter.If you don’t take care of yourself now, as you are, you will not take care of yourself later.Your physical appearance does not dictate your internal experience or even your external opportunities.Our minds and culture make up a lot of sneaky work arounds to this very cut and dry truth.You can only change the way you are to yourself now. Right now. In this moment. The ends do not; ever, justify the means, when it comes to your body.I know miserable, desperate, self punishing, thin people and I know miserable, desperate, self punishing fat people.I know a thin, conventionally gorgeous woman who shared with me she doesn’t believe she can find a truly loving, committed relationship or follow her inner calling until she looses weight.She is literally putting her life on hold until she reaches some sort of external ideal.I know a fat, average looking woman who makes millions of dollars and regularly has hot, satisfying sex with very, very good looking men (yes, multiple).There are no rules as to what you can have based on your physical attributes.Humans are incredible creators and everything is energy. If you understand that, it doesn’t matter what you look like.You will glow from the inside out. Your energy will pull in exactly what is true for you. Your eyes will shine like diamonds and life will love you, and you will feel its love.The not so secret secret here is that it already is, you just have to surrender.These things are true and whatever stories you have about your limitations because of your physical attributes are just that: stories. Not truth.However, I do feel like it’s in service to be clear about a nuance here: My body has more fat on it than I want it to or than my body really wants to have on Her long term.So I want to unwind this a bit.It seems like there are two camps when it comes to weight:* You need to lose weight. Pretty much everything health-wise depends on weight and if you’re overweight you should be ashamed and work really hard to change it, by whatever means necessary. If you are fat: You are less than. Gross. Undesirable. Broken.* Fat is good. Let’s celebrate fat bodies and make fat sexy. Let’s normalize fatness. Fat positive.If I had to choose one of these, of course, I would choose the second.However, the second one just doesn’t actually feel completely embodied or true.I do believe there is a lot of variation in bodies. I do believe some people are simply made to have more fat on their bodies.I want to be clear that I am talking about body fat specifically, not weight.I have zero attachment to weight for myself or any one else.You could weigh 250 lbs and have a low body fat percentage if you had a lot of muscle. You could weigh 115 lbs and have a high body fat percentage if you had very little muscle.When I say I have excess body fat, I am not saying I am “overweight” because that’s not my concern. When the focus is on weight you put at risk the weight of muscle, organs and bone. All very important substances in the body.I also know that women need to be around 30% body fat to be fertile, which a lot of rigid people and women might consider “overweight”, but could also look vastly different on different frames depending on muscle mass.A woman that is 30% body fat would never have a “six pack” or a totally flat stomach. These are simply not attributes of a womanly, fertile body.For your body to feel safe enough to bring life into this world it needs to know you’ve got some cushion.  You will never see muscles or bone rippling and jutting out underneath the surface of someone with this amount of body fat.There are always outliers to these rules, but this is generally true.Grown ass women tend to be soft around the edges and curvy.There is a certain hormonal maturing that happens in the female form around 25-35 (child bearing years for most). Hips get wider. Butt gets fuller. Breasts get bigger (and possibly a touch saggier). There is a strength, well-used, and rootedness that comes with it. This is the body of the Mother.There is another change like this at menopause.These are natural and good.Just like puberty; they are transitions into new phases of life for a woman.This is not celebrated by society. And this is not at all what I am talking about when I say excess body fat.When I say there is more fat on my body than I want; I’m not being nit picky, I mean there is legitimately excess fat on my body that impairs my movement and feels like more than my body wants to have.This is not about my vanity or my egoic ideas of what I should look like.And on another level, I trust that where my body is right how is exactly where it needs to be to regain trust and a sense of safety.I am deeply in my process.I am not frantically trying new diets or starving myself or attempting to work out super hard. There is no force. There is no abandoning of self going on. There is no desperation to change my body.However, I am following the breadcrumbs and educating myself and finding experts I trust for now.I am taking the space and time to listen to my body deeply and spend time feeling what she is communicating with me.I am deeply in the practice of doing everything I can to help my body feel safe, nourished, and help her regain more precise control over her energy management system.I’ve gotten to this place of neutrality and aligned action with my body by first accepting what is true about my body with zero judgment.This is the piece that the “fat positive” movement glosses over. The sobriety of really feeling what the truth is if your body does have significant excess fat stored on it.It’s one thing to say: “Fat is beautiful!” And it’s another to say, “I am beautiful no matter what and I am committed to listening to my body and her symptoms.”To stay with your body, at its pace, through the shitstorm of society’s opinions about your body is not an easy pose.Saying “fat is beautiful” is not necessarily staying with your body. In fact, it may be smoothing over something that is in need of more attention and is quite uncomfortable to be with.We cannot transcend anything without first approving of it.This does not mean we have to “like” it, on an egoic level. Trust me, my ego doesn’t like my body right now, but my ego doesn’t get a say here. I’ve had plenty of practice down that road and it’s not for me.This does not mean we have to condone what got us here. But we do have to understand it.We must have approval for where we are, now.And part of true approval is sobriety with ourselves and what we actually need in the moment we are in.Approval requires we don’t bulldoze quieter, smaller parts of ourselves.True Approval requires slowing all the way down to the pace of our body and listening.True self care is slow, intentional and almost painfully sober because it requires we approve of ourselves exactly where we currently are, in hard reality, no polish, no veneer, just true, honest love of self.This is really the first and only step you can take towards a life that lives in accordance and in relationship with your body and its true healing and health.I have two offerings that come up as I write this:HOME BODY | Friday; June 16. 1-3pm PDT. $44. An online ceremony honoring your body as your home. Come slow down, touch and commune with your body. This is like a yoga class for body reverence and connection. Come join us.FED | A 6 month Group Journey into Deep Feminine Nourishment. This is the foundational program of my work. This is the home of my guidance around food, body and internal resourcing. If you feel called, follow the link to get on the waitlist and I will be reaching out soon to schedule connection calls. We start in late July. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe