Figuring Shit Out

Memories of my late teens up to my late 20s appear before my mind's eye-hole; seated in front of my desk, with my custom card mat from "Pattrick's Magic Mats", a pack of cards and the sounds of riffling, shuffling, cutting, dealing, assembling order out of chaos. I never dreamt that i would put down my hopes for a life on stage; i also never dreamt that i would find myself in Gung Fu. Like a glove, though not snugly fitting yet, i trace many similarities between the two disciplines here mentioned. All those hours in my study with books like "Expert At The Card Table", "Expert Card Technique", the "Inner Secrets of Card Magic" by Dai Vernon the legendary Professor; "The Books of Wonder" by Tommy Wonder; the various mnemonic works by Juan Tamariz; then onto the awesome works of Darwin Ortiz and then at the end of my journey, the works of my two mentors Michael Vincent and Rene Lavand; all of this laser focused discipline lasted 18 years. What it taught me was that i am someone who needs a discipline, due to my nature of being abhorrent. When you look deep enough, you'll see what i mean. It ain't all sunshine and candy floss, not out there and not inside either. Hours upon hours in the rehearsal studio, pouring my life into a 27 inch wide by 20 inch height card mat, translating to a call and response on stage; the applause, the appreciate, the thrice standing ovations; the theatre shows. I do miss it all; i had to let that life go. I close my eyes and recall the encouragement and the guidance of my mentors along the chain/road of excellence; I could never live up to anyone's expectations. I've wasted a lot of people's time and believe me... i lament it. /// Here in this garage taking all that i've known in the world of artifice, letting my body express itself in movement past midnight; often this is the remedy for my restlessness. Sleep does not come easy and a notebook really helps. My love for script writing (when you design a 1 hr one-man theatre show, you are the producer, script-writer, director, salesman, artist and also the audience) and creating environments were not lost. Spacial awareness of hiding card-sleights in various positions with or without a table had translated to spacial awareness in the Wing Chun frame-work and my own bodily limits. The ability to notice cadence and then manipulate it had created in me the ability to view things in many angles simultaneously, allowed me to actively operate both my left and right brained (to talk and perform hidden card sleights at the same time whilst keep my audiences engaged in an hour long show); this ability seems to have transformed itself in giving me angles of simultaneous attack and defence according to the Wing Chun framework. In becoming a performer and getting over the absolute fear of public speaking (one of the many great fears of any lay person) forced me into associating with people from almost all echelons of society; the poor, the middle class and the somewhat extravagant/eccentric (i never associated myself with wealthy people; i never did banquets nor weddings, nor private gigs for big names as i detested the concept of money from an early age). This taught me how to see with the eyes of my soul and not the eyes of limitation; allowing me the privilege to feel out people, to see straight through people. To hear what they say and also what they do not say; to see what they do and also what they do not do. This has become second nature that i cannot turn off, reaching cynicism at times if not careful. Translated to the Wing Chun framework, this forces the need to refine my tactile and sympathetic sensitivities when dealing with people. Empathy is not needed in this line of work, but sympathy is a great instinct to develop. The many years of drilling sleight of hand into my nerves and sinews, engraved into the grooves of my brain, stretched out in the corridors of my mind over and over and over again has caused me the affliction of not being able to be bored. Now that the cards are gone and the applause no longer, the neuro-pathways are still sharp and vibrant. Where once i dreamt of stage-angles, audience reactions, cadence and timing, i now envision what this means in terms of self-protection and combatives. What is it that works? What is it that don't work? Am i here for sport fighting? Or actual combatives? Is this for sparring purposes and i accepting the fact that violence may be a necessity for me in the future? I don't have any thread of larceny in my soul, but i recognise the way the world moves, especially now.