hello there to our dearest friends the best kind of friends the friends who give us money Hello. Hi. Hello. Hello. I'm Liz. I'm Samantha. You knew that because you give us money. Yeah. You already know what's going on. You're in the know. You're part of the cool kids. Yeah. The in crowd. Absolutely. The inner five. Maybe we'll start calling them. There's the five and then there's like the inner five. There's the five and then there's the five. Exactly. The five. We're here for a very special episode today called Samantha Eats Pasta. No. I was going to try not to make mouth noises. I'm so kidding. No. We're here today to talk about that Rob Lowe movie about a missing dog.
Obviously. I think we said, we kept saying we were going to do this. I don't even think we remember the name of the movie. You kept calling it Man Fuck That Dog. Because I don't know how I couldn't remember a movie about a missing dog called Dog Gone. Like, could not be more simple. It's in the title. The dog is gone. But I had this, because we were looking forward to this because the Unsolved Mysteries reboot episodes are kind of depressing.
They're, you know, forever to get through. Yeah. We only do one episode a month. They're brutal. They're very sad. You have to hear from their families and how much they miss victims. And, you know, it's just, it's a slog. It's a downer. We wanted to do something light. And we saw that Netflix made a stupid movie about a dog with Rob Lowe. And we were like, yes, that's it. But then at some point we imagined, what if it isn't a heartwarming movie? What if Rob Lowe finds the dog and then like punts him off a cliff?
It's called Man Fuck This Dog, but that's not what it is. However, I don't know how to best reveal this nugget of information, but I sat down the other day. I took four pages of goddamn notes on this movie. Don't say I never do any work for this podcast. I put as much work into this as anyone who made this film. So I sat down the other day to watch it. Samantha hasn't watched it yet.
And I just go, I don't remember the name of the movie, even though it's doggone. So I just type Rob Lowe into Netflix. Lots of things come up. One of them is literally called doggone. So I go, okay, that's it. And then I read the summary of the movie.
And I lose my mind. Would you read it to us? You sent me a picture of it. Yeah, I sure did. Because I read this and then I started laughing hysterically and could not stop. And Mac had to come downstairs and be like, what is wrong with you? What is happening? Here's the summary for the movie Dog Gone, which came out this year. Rob Lowe stars as a supportive dad in this heartwarming true story of a young man's race against time to find his beloved dog, Gonker.
Friends, we have been able to talk about nothing else but this dog's name for the last few days. Days. I would say I've said the word gonker so many times that it's lost all meaning, except that it means nothing. It never had a meaning. I'm calling my dog Lenny Gonker at this point. I'm just saying the word gonker sometimes and laughing. Like, I've lost it. Good luck talking to me about anything else on Friday. It was just gonker, gonker, gonker. Because the second I saw this name and imagined Rob Lowe wandering through the woods just going, gonker.
Gonker. Which, by the way, happens for minutes at a time during this movie. Multiple times. Not even just one time. But me just imagining this made me fucking lose it. Like, I was laughing hysterically. I had to send Samantha just a shot of my TV with it. And then periodically throughout the day, while she's probably trying to, like, work or something, she's getting little clips of the movie that's just like, yeah, Rob Lowe yelling gonker. Into a megaphone, gonker! Because I cannot handle it. Because Rob Lowe is just a deeply unserious person.
He just is. I don't know. And him yelling the word gonker is perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen. I don't know. I cannot. I've not been able to stop laughing about this. Obviously. Yeah. I'm literally calling Leti gonker to the point where I'm acting like that's his real name and he should respond to it. I'll be like, no gonker. Don't do that. Like that is not his name. He doesn't know that I watched a stupid movie.
If it wasn't for this, this movie is fine. It's like neither good nor bad. I don't know. It's funny because like you said, Rob Lowe is not a serious person. It's not very good. Okay. Well, maybe I'm giving it a little more credit than it deserves. It's just like a very light, like lifetime-y movie about a missing dog. Yeah, it's fine. It's something when your conservative grandparents and some small children are over, you could put this on and it would be fine. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, that's my point is that it's fine. Except that, I mean, obviously Rob Lowe slow-mo running into a vet clinic is, it's supposed to be serious, but it's really funny. And then the name of this dog is like. Dogger.
I cannot stop. I understand this is based on a true story. This is the dog's real name. But it's just so funny when Rob Lowe is saying... It's so funny. It's so stupid. It's so funny. It took me forever to watch this movie because I had to keep stopping. I couldn't take notes because I was laughing so hard. And also, I couldn't stop texting you updates on Gonker. My notes are also called Gonker the movie. Sadly, not the name of the movie. I think it would have done better if it was called Gonker. Because people would have gone, what the fuck is that? I have to watch it just to understand what Gonker... What does Gonker mean? Is that a word? Is that...
Is that something I should understand the meaning of? I mean, I feel like executives really like titles like Cocaine Bear or Dog Gone, where literally in like two words, you're like, okay, I know what that movie's about. Like, you don't really have to explain the premise at all. It's like the dog is gone, right? That's it. But I would have preferred the mystery that is Gonker the movie.
I mean, Gonker is gone. I mean, there's room in here. Where's Gonker? Gonker is a goner. I mean, there's just like opportunities. Oh my God. I cannot believe that this is my life. Like I just, like I was sitting there like, of course, this is what I'm doing today. Of course I'm taking notes on the movie. Fucking Gonker is gone. Of course, that's how this ended up. They do show a photo of the real Gonker at the end. And I don't know how to describe this, but when you see him, you're kind of like, yeah, that's a Gonker. I don't know. Much more so than the dog they cast for the movie, which is like the most beautiful yellow lab, like out of a show ring.
And you're like, yes, this is Gonker. Whereas, like, no, Gonker was born in a back alley somewhere. Right, that's true. He's approximately a mix of a thousand different breeds. He looks like a collection of spare parts. He's got kind of a wonky eye and a snagletooth. Like, that's Gonker. This dog in this movie is, like, out of a dog food commercial. Yeah, no, you're really true. Also, there's a point where they think they found Gonker. Like, someone calls in and is like, we have a dog. Like, they, you know, and they go and they see this other dog and they're like, oh, no, that's not him. He has more reddish fur. And I was like, no, he fucking doesn't. Also, the dog they show looks exactly like the dog that's cast in the film. They're two yellow labs. They look exactly the same. The real Gonker does have reddish fur. I know, but it
the fucking dialogue after you you know cast the dog because cast him like a dog that i don't know are there no mutts in hollywood i don't know no only purebreds with all sorts of horrible health problems that's it yeah yeah it would have been you're right i think this movie would make slightly more sense if this dog looks like a gonker which he just doesn't he looks like I don't, he looks like he would have like a rowing club membership or something. This is a preppy dog. Yeah, this is Shadow from Hormorbot. I realize it's a different breed, but like, you know what I mean. Like, this is not a gonker. No, this is like a yuppie. Yeah, like this dog would go sailing with you.
this is not a dog that you can like teach to open a beer. But I also understand that Ravlo produced this movie. I don't know how much to say he had in all the details, but I can imagine him being like, okay, we need a dog. We need, if I was producing this movie, I would have demanded to be there the day they cast the dog. And I would have been like, no, no, no, no. Bring me a, bring me a gonker. Does this look like a gonker? Does this look like a gonker to you? I said, bring me a gonker. Cause you know, he has like hissy fits about, I don't know, whatever. So he should have thrown a fit over the casting of this dog. Cause it's wrong. It is. That's not, that's not a gonker. No.
No. Okay. So I don't know how helpful these notes are going to be because I was laughing through tears when I made them. Well, you took notes. I didn't even take notes. Someone had to, Samantha. Someone had to make sure this podcast kind of exists. That's true. The very serious podcast is talking about dog on the movie. Man, fuck this dog. The movie. So we opened on a college campus in Virginia. It's the fall. It's the start of these students' senior year. But they're complaining about sandwiches. So the first thing I wrote down is, okay, tuna is a delicious sandwich. I hate this movie already.
Yeah, what gives? You're college students. You're really going to be picky about your sandwich? I guess so. And then I wrote, why are these kids so ugly? I guess it is realistic. Wow. Wow. Right out the gate, we're calling these kids ugly.
The dog's not ugly enough. And the kids are not beautiful enough. I mean, I think they're realistically just people. They're not beautiful people. Like you would expect to be in a movie. They're just people. Fair. Okay. So there's two guys talking about sandwiches. It takes a while to hear anyone's names. So I really just wrote, the blonde guy is sad he got dumped. I'm really not sure sitting here right now that I remember any of their names, including Rob Lowe's character. John Lowe. We'll just call him Rob Lowe, but his name is John. Okay. I remembered his name.
Obviously the only name you need to remember in this movie is Conker. It's Conker the movie. So how many names do you need to know? Roblo's Kid. Roblo's Kid is named Fielding. Oh, you're right. Also, okay. Can we talk about names that do not match? No, Kid does not look like a Fielding. Maybe that's part of the father-son dynamic is that Roblo thought he was going to have a Fielding and he ended up with like a hippie. Yeah, Kyle. He ended up with a Kyle. He's probably really disappointed. Sorry if your name's Kyle.
This is not a fielding, right? This is not like a strapping, dashing, rowing club. Yeah. It doesn't match the dog, honestly. The dog is more of a fielding than this guy. Oh my god. This guy's name should have been Gonker and the dog's name should have been Fielding. This whole movie would have made so much more sense with just that one change. Really true. Okay, so anyway, Fielding, I think he got dumped at the end of last year and is now sad to see his girlfriend has moved on with some hottie that's on the quad, you know.
And his curly-haired roommate hates tuna sandwiches, so I hate him. And then Fielding decides he has a lot of love to give, so what he needs in his life is a dog. Did he or did he not get a dog so he can get babes? He acts like that's not why, but I was like, actually, that's a pretty good way to get babes. Or at least women to talk to you. That was the impression I got. He just got dumped. He was looking at pretty ladies wherever they were, and then was like, you know what? I need a puppy.
Yeah, women will come over and pet a dog and ask you about your dog. Like, it's not the worst icebreaker. We went to see Muppet Christmas Carol in the theater. And when we left, this guy had a dog that was outside. And when we were talking to him, we found out that he, like, purposely brings his dog when movies are letting out because the dog likes people. Okay, guy. I'm not against it. I'm not against it. I feel like that is a good way to mingle. It's friendly. We got to meet a dog. Like, you know, it's not creepy. But I was sort of like, you're not really doing this for the dog, guy. The dog seems happy. But you're also out here talking to chicks that just went to see Muppet Christmas Carol.
Good for you. Good for you. Not just sitting on the internet all day whining about how you can't meet any ladies. Go get a dog. Go outside the movie theater. Okay. So I think that is kind of his plan, but they play it like he's lonely.
He needs a dog now. So they go to the rescue and he immediately sees a golden retriever puppy who is more of a fielding than he'll ever be. I think it's a yellow lab before people would correct us. Oh, okay. Our patrons would never do, but yeah, they probably would, but you're probably right. It probably is a yellow lab, but I don't know really about these like types of dogs. This is like not my type of dog. I mean, I like the same, but I like a scruffy fluffy mutt. I don't like a chic sleek.
lab purebred dog this is not the kind of dog you go to the local shelter and pick i mean i realize purebred dogs end up in shelters occasionally but like it's so funny that this beautiful purebred definitely expensive ass dog a puppy is in the shelter and this college kid comes and adopts it this would be adopted immediately like this was a very desirable dog you would not have trouble finding a home for this dog so really he should have left this for like a family or something and he should have taken a mutt that would have been more appropriate for the name conquer yes but anyway whatever so now he has this perfect dog they get in the car and the dog immediately pees on his curly-haired roommate And the sequence is so long. And you literally, like, I realize the pee is not actually coming out of the dog's dick. There's, like, a little hose right behind it or something. But it's just like showing a dog's dick peeing on a guy for an uncomfortable amount of time. Would you agree? Your own reaction from Fielding? He's like, I don't want to traumatize him. Just let him pee on you. I was like, what? You would not react that way. Kinkiest moment in this movie. Okay. I will say, though, my dog, Gracie, the first thing she did when we met in the shelter, the dog I got when I was at college, was peeing on my lap. I mean, yeah, they're scared. They're nervous. They don't know who you are, what you're doing. I wouldn't have showed it in a movie, but.
for like minutes realistic there's a dog's dick yeah yeah it's odd it's an odd choice and we're not that far into the movie yet so you're like okay huh what's happening here so now this poor dog has to live in like a college flop house and they that's like in the forest for some reason i don't understand why is this a cabin in the woods i don't get why this doesn't seem like usually when you get a house and in college it's like close to campus you can hopefully like walk or bike there right like it's like college housing basically but yeah this seems to be like at least from the outside like an elite cabin like a rich person would own in the woods to get away from it all And they have a bonfire or whatever. That part I get. But how are you getting to campus? I don't know. And somehow he's always bringing his dog to campus. Not like you're just walking there from next door. You obviously have to commute from wherever this cabin is to campus. And you're bringing your dog and it's following you around. It's just very funny to me. Yeah. Anyway. So they throw a homecoming party for the dog, which is not the worst idea I've ever heard. Particularly if you want to meet ladies. And it's during this party that his friend asks him, by the way, we threw a party for this dog. What the fuck is this dog's name? And the dog then gonks him on the head.
which i don't know if he's supposed to be drunk and he says gonk instead of bonk or it's just like a marcin situation he just said said a word that's not real makes no sense and so now the dog is named gonker and everybody at the party starts chanting gonker and i lost my mind again it really leaves me with the impression that fielding is just kind of dumb yeah i mean he has roblo's son so that kind of makes sense to me but he doesn't look a thing like roblo and um i don't know it's confusing Like much of this movie, it's confusing. I have notes. Netflix, I have some notes. Okay. So now we see a montage of, as Samantha was saying, he's like taking the dog like literally to class, which I don't think my school would have allowed. You have a non-service animal. It's also like, this isn't like a little Paris Hilton chihuahua that can like sit in your bag. This is a fucking gigantic dog. It grows very quickly. It goes from a puppy to a full grown dog in a day. He never puts a thing on a leash. I don't understand. Yeah, also he's bringing it to campus on leash, which is like extra not great, right? The dog does yoga with him, which is kind of cute. It gets its own yoga mat and then it does downward dog, you know.
as dogs do um and then i just wrote oh wow the dog is growing during the credits i hope rob lowe is proud he produced this okay so now him he's about to graduate from school it's suddenly the end of the year and him and the dog are wearing matching shirts and i wrote down still not sure what this guy's name is but for the record the dog's name is gong As if we could forget. Okay. So now I didn't even realize that this was their house because as Samantha was saying, this cabin like is not like looks like student housing at all. So they're at this like fancy cabin sitting outside. And it turns out that even though they haven't even graduated yet, all of his friends have like fancy jobs immediately. Except him. Except him. So he's feeling insecure and his friends are like fucking rude. So this one girl is going to go like work for Anheuser-Busch or something. And he's like, wow, that sounds amazing. I, you know, I'm still trying to like figure out what I'm going to do. And she's like, isn't that what the last four years are for? And I was like, bitch. First of all, no. I mean, like what? Your goal for the past four years, I mean, is to.
graduate from school which is survive yeah you're like how like how could you possibly know i'm gonna go work for fucking apple i don't understand this is okay i remember this time of my life very distinctly where you're about to graduate and everybody's asking you what you're gonna do and i'm kind of like how do i know who's hiring like what are you talking about like i'm gonna apply for jobs that's what i'm going to do Like, I'm sorry, I'm not like a Kennedy and I'm not going to like call in my connections. And, you know, like I'm going to look at job listings and apply for those jobs. That's what I'm going to like. What are you talking about? And that's what he should have said. Also, he should have called this person's boss and accused this woman of a hate crime because she was so fucking rude. He should have gotten that job snatched away. But that's not what fielding is like. That's what I'm like. OK, so anyway.
Oh, I said all of his friends immediately landed amazing jobs somehow because this is a fantasy and he doesn't know what to do. Apparently this kid's name is Fielding. Wow. He sucks. Okay. So now Fielding's parents arrive, which is one normal woman in Rob Lowe and they drive up in their fancy SUV. And I guess Fielding forgot that they were coming or that they were going to come that day. I don't know. He's kind of a hippie deadbeat.
And Rob Lowe is wearing extremely fake looking glasses to make him look smarter. I don't know why they couldn't get like real glass. I know. OK, I know he can't wear like real, real glasses because your eyes look weird on film. Right. If you have like actual lenses in there. But some of the frames of them don't even look like real. They look like they're drawn on. Yeah, it's it's it's startling because he.
I mean, it's just Rob Lowe copied and pasted it into this. He's supposed to be this like every man dude, except like they just put glasses on him. It's like, okay, this will make you look normal. He still has, you know, his expensive ass haircut. He's supposed to be like the every man boomer dad who's full of like dad wisdom and doesn't fully understand his son, but loves him. Yeah. All they've done is put glasses on him that make him just look like the emoji wearing glasses. And that he's still wearing like t-shirts that are clearly tailored to make his packs look good. Like clearly they're so tight in the pack. And then just a little bit.
lose there below that um i was like okay so that t-shirt is like at least 500 right like that's not just this like every man why isn't this t-shirt for like a seafood restaurant or like ron john surf shop or some shit no it's just a plate right it's like yeah it's not all of it's not quite right because obviously this man works out like three hours a day the real version of this guy is wearing khaki pants and yeah his version of dressing up is maybe a polo shirt or one of those short sleeve button-up shirts plaid shirts it would be a polo shirt but it has like a logo on it like maybe he got it free it's a work thing or it's like from somewhere he went on vacation and he needed a shirt like or the like shirts his wife gets him for Christmas right yeah it's like a button-up short sleeve right right it's from Kohl's like this is not I don't know rich people don't ever see the rest of us I guess because this is not what we look like like this is not normal every hair in place yeah yeah like this is someone who's getting a haircut like at least every week right like yeah Like it's not allowed to grow because it needs to be in this like exact configuration. Anyway. Yeah. Roblo is wearing extremely fake glasses. How often does Roblo and his wife see their son? Okay. This is the real, I'm going to say plot hole of the movie. I maybe need to go make an IMDb account and complain about this as a goof because we know that Fielding got this stupid dog gonker at the beginning of the year. It is now the end of the year and he's graduating. They did not know he had a dog.
They live in the same state. Where has the dog been? Where has Fielding been? Did he not go home for Christmas vacation? Do they never talk? Do they never text message? Also, this dog is like clearly five years old or something. Like, okay, so maybe he didn't tell them about the dog. Sure. They wouldn't approve, whatever. It's been months. This kid hasn't gone home to do his laundry. These people are, they're like three hours away. It's not that far. I don't understand. Does his mom call him ever? I mean, I don't, yeah, I guess I don't get it.
It's like, okay, so there's Thanksgiving break. There's Christmas break. There's spring break. If you're a college student with no job, you are going home every chance you get to have your mom cook you a meal. Yes. And what's happening with the dog? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Where was the dog at least Christmas break? Which is like three weeks long. Yeah. Where was Gonker at Christmas? Where? Okay. So anyway, they didn't know he had a dog. And Rob Lowe gives us one of the best quotes in movie history now, which is, what kind of name is Gonker?
I don't know, man. He gonked me on the head. To which you say, you're a fucking idiot. That's not a word. That's not a word. Your poor dog has named that. I recently started a Letterboxd account and one of the reviews, you know, where just users write little reviews, and one of the reviews for this movie was, I would run away too if my name was Gonker.
And I have to agree. Have to agree. You do not respect this dog. You named him Conker. So now Rob Lowe is being kind of a dick that his kid doesn't have his whole life lined up even though he hasn't graduated yet. I don't know. His dad is being a lot like his asshole friends. This guy needs to find some better people to hang out with. I don't understand why everyone in this kid's life expects him to have the rest of his life planned out before he's even graduated. Just let him apply for some jobs.
Or work at a Hardee's for a couple months. I don't know. First of all, we'll go back to these people's house. It's a goddamn mansion. Float your kids some money. You will be fine. Everything is fine. There is not a problem. You are rich. Your kid's like 22 years old. Yeah. It's going to be okay. Is this how Rob Lowe talks to his sons? I sure hope not. These are better. Okay. But then this is another very funny thing to me. Okay. So his family, his parents come. Also, his sister has come as a surprise. She like flew across the country or some shit. His sister is a total babe. She had to take a final early just so she could be there.
So they like come see him for five seconds and then leave and are like, okay, we'll see you at your graduation. They come see him for five seconds. They tear him down completely. Peace out. Peace out. Like they're not going to go have dinner together. He's not going to hang out with his sister while she's in town. They're not staying. Like I understand that his parents don't want to stay at this like college flop house, but his sister doesn't want to like hang out with him. I don't, I don't get it at all. So they just, yeah, they're there for five seconds to be like, peace out. You ruined your life and we hate your dog. Bye. So they leave. And then the next shot we get is fielding, like hurrying to put on his robe and like running to the graduation ceremony, but he's already missed it for the most hilarious reason ever, which is that.
So yesterday Rob Lowe was like, well, college is over, kid, you know, blah, blah, blah. And so he was like, yes, I have to make the most of it. I have to sleep by the river with Gonker and like play games Gonker likes because Gonker is my best friend in college. And I was like, last chance we're going to get to sleep by the river. Like you can never just sleep by a river in normal life. And I was like, well, no, no one does that. But you could, I guess. You can go camping. Like people do that as a hobby. With your sister who like flew across the country to see you. No, you're too busy sleeping by a river with a dog.
It's a puzzling. Like a hobo. I don't understand. Okay, so he misses his own graduation ceremony because he was sleeping by a river. And then his mom was like, well, at least we could have a celebratory dinner because obviously as the mom, she's trying to like make everything nice, right? Okay, are we going to talk about how he's running to the graduation ceremony with like his robe half open, his hat in his hand, and the dog is chasing after he brought the dog and it's chasing after him across campus? Apparently he cannot go to campus without this dog. It's his emotional support dog. But I don't know that they would really allow a dog at graduation.
somebody needs to tell this kid not that he needs a job immediately but that life is not air bud because he seems to not know that he didn't learn that in school okay so then the mom is like oh well we could still have a celebratory dinner because even though you don't really need to go to a graduation ceremony you still graduate it doesn't really matter so and then fielding even though his parents came all this way his sister came all this way he was like actually my stomach's upset let's like do that later i was like you have to do something with these people fielding you have to spend more than five seconds with them yeah i don't understand i mean i realize this is supposed to like foreshadow his like health issues in the future but but at the same time it's just a little bit weird and awkward i think people would ask more questions if you miss your own graduation and then they're like well let's go to a dinner for you and you're like yeah no put your food around like what what yeah i know his family like he spent zero time with his family when they came to see him his sister's like yeah i gotta fly back to college sorry yeah i can't just wait for you to not be sleeping by a river nice to see you for five seconds i really wrote down okay roblo was right to be mean to him
And then his mom tells him, it's okay. Accidents happen. And it literally sounds like he wet his pants. It sounds like you're a mom talking to a seven-year-old that just like wet their pants at Kmart. Like, it's okay. This happens. Yeah. Not that you accidentally slept by a river. Yeah. It's very weird.
Okay. So, and then it turns out that his sister, like everybody in the world already has a job because she's the exact same age as him. Are there twins? I did not understand. So she's leaving for a job in Seattle and he's going to have to go back home with his parents without her there. And this has apparently not come up to all right now. And I just wrote excellent planning all around. First of all, you were not spending time with your sister and she's about to move away. So great job. So now he and all capitals gonker are driving to his parents' house to live post-college life. Obviously they live in a gigantic mansion. Like it's not a normal house at all.
It's like the White House. How is he paying rent on this cabin? Why couldn't you just stay there? Maybe the lease was only through school. I don't know. Maybe his friends all had jobs. His friends all have jobs. They all move away, so he isn't sharing. Honestly, Rob Lowe could pay for the whole thing, but he doesn't want to because he wants to teach fielding the value of five cents. I don't know. I don't know why we're pretending this kid has any worries. Open the checkbook, Rob Lowe. This is something I do not understand about rich people, and this is accurate, but I don't get this.
We hear Rob later as a character talking about how he had to work hard and he, like, earned all this stuff. And I was like, okay, why do you want your kid to have to do that too? Like, what was the point then? If you're not giving your kid a better life, you were just doing that for yourself. You weren't doing that for your family. Like, why make him go get as stupid? We don't need any more apps. Rich people, quit making your children pretend they're protective members of society by going to Silicon Valley and inventing apps. We don't need any more apps. We're done. They don't need to start, I don't know, some, like, nonprofit that doesn't actually help people. Like, all of that rich people shit, we do not need that. Just let them live off your money. It's fine.
Oh my God. Okay. Because Rob Lowe is a minor villain here, he has gotten Gonker a shot caller and he wants Gonker to live outside. And it's Virginia. So I guess it's like nice enough that dogs can be outside all the time. I don't know. I don't know. Of course, Gonker immediately sees a fox, breaks through the screen of the screen door, runs after the fox and breaks the like shot caller fence perimeter. Yeah. And Fielding's like yelling like power to the people or some stupid.
This is like five minutes of him getting home. Because he is happy to see that Gonker's spirit cannot be broken. The only flashbacks we get in this movie are of the mom character, which is interesting. Because she's not developed in any other way. And she has a flashback to being like, I don't know, seven or something. And is given a Japanese dog named Oji.
And it's like her dad's business. It seems like her dad's in the military. For some reason, Japanese men give her a dog. I have no idea why. This is very confusing. And she asked if she's like allowed to play with a dog. And because her dad's in the military and like cartoonishly strict, he's like, you're allowed to play with it in 50 meters in either direction. You're like, oh, my God. So weird. So the next morning, Rob Lowe and his wife, I don't even ever write down her name. She's just mom or wife. Sorry. That's the patriarchy for you. Is woken up by fielding doing weird breathing exercises while the dog is like the dog and him.
are doing breathing at like i don't know five in the morning or some shit were you or were you not expecting something else to be happening behind that door when rob low is like what is going on in here in the middle of the night it's like heavy deep breathing i was like what is happening and then it's him and the dog laying on their back just breathing it's weird as fuck i think you were probably supposed to think that i assumed because this movie is like so i think it's technically pg but really this is like such a rated g movie i thought it was gonna be gonker was like wrecking something oh okay okay i think maybe there was supposed to be a second where you're like whoa sexy stuff I don't know if that's involving the doll. With who? Hopefully not. Hopefully not. I don't know. Fielding met a girl. I don't know. But I really was like, oh, Gonker's like ruining his Hermes slippers or some shit. And no, it was that they're doing like yogic breathing. And I was like, what kind of just out of college kid other than Samantha is waking up early?
this fielding guy isn't such a bum right he's waking up early to do breathing exercises not like work at a coffee shop okay true but because he is like kind of a hippie yeah i guess but they don't portray i don't know this kid is poorly cast i think just like gonker um and i just wrote is this a thing kids do because i'm not in touch with the youth but anyway i don't think so rob low is then on a zoom call outside and gonker is annoying him so fielding tells him oh gonker wants to play fetch and i was like fielding it's your okay I'm not a parent, but this makes me feel, I was like, it's your fucking dog. Play with the dog then. That's not his responsibility while he's doing work. Yeah. Fielding's just like, uh, he wants to play fetch with you. You do it. You're doing nothing else. He's just like making tea or something. So, so he has to put his like business meeting on hold to. Gonker picks out a stick he wants to play with. Yeah. It turns out that Gonker needs to like choose a stick that you're going to fetch with. And you have to watch him choose which one. Cause he has, you know, weird dog habits. And I really wrote down, how is this based on a book?
which I mean, fair. The fact that this is a book is very funny. So now we have a montage of like Gonker's making it hard for a mom to change the sheets. Oh, Gonker. And he has to keep picking sticks and they do their weird breathing stuff. And clearly everyone falls in love with Gonker. Mom thinks Gonker is a sweetheart. Rob Lowe is slowly charmed by his stick picking and they like.
both run after the stick together i don't know whatever so then there is a storm and gonker is hiding under the bed and again where is fielding not taking care of his fucking dog even though he doesn't have a job i don't know what fielding is doing he's sleeping by a rover somewhere yeah so um rob lowe finds him realizes that he's scared and does what he used to do to fielding as a baby when he was scared and that's seeing rhinestone cowboy So if you've ever wanted to see Rob Lowe sing to a dog. Name Conker. Name Conker. This is the movie for you. And it works. So try that with your dog. Next time your dog is freaking out. Next time you're scared, just imagine Rob Lowe quietly singing rhinestone cowboy to you. Not well. See if it helps. See if it helps. I don't know.
I'm trying. So there's like a years ago. I think this is like the very early 90s. For some reason, Rob Lowe and Snow White sang a song at the Oscars. And it didn't make sense then. And it doesn't make sense. And I'm trying to remember. It makes perfect sense. I think it was Proud Mary. I don't remember. Anyway, there's something to look up. That was a moment in TV history. So now the mom has bought these pies and drops one on the floor. But guess what?
Gonker doesn't move. There's pie right there on the floor and Gonker doesn't try to eat it. Gonker! Can you believe it? Can you believe it? Gonker, not even for food? What's wrong with our boy? I wrote. So now it's a moment Samantha alluded to where they literally, because this dog didn't eat pie, all three of them have to slow motion run this dog into a vet's office because he didn't eat some pie. It's like he got shot in the head. They're like, you know, we need four cc's of blah blah blah stat, right? It's like crisis mode. No, Gonker, no, because he didn't eat pie.
You know what I think is funny is comparing the animal hospital to the hospital we see later in the episode. Sorry if this is a spoiler. And why that hospital compared to this animal hospital looks like it's, I don't know, like not modern. I'm going to say that. This animal hospital has like.
full glass clear, um, automatic doors. Like what fucking hospital is like ready for things on carts, like triage. I don't know. It's so funny. Meanwhile, they take their kids. 20s field hospital. They take their kid to a shack. That's actually a vet. They take the dog to a real hospital, a human hospital, but they take the dog to a sketchy vet that works on like people shot by the mob.
Okay. So anyway, it turns out that Gonker has Addingson's disease, which I don't know anything about and didn't look up. And it is 50-50 that he will make it through the night. And if he does, he's going to need shots every 30 days because he's got his whole life untreated because fielding is such a dope. And I was kind of like... Did fielding never take his dog to the vet? That was kind of the implication. And I was like, okay, that is bad, fielding. Your dog needs shots. Yeah. Did you not get this dog neutered?
Fielding. Fielding. So anyway, Roblo guilt trips him for not taking better care of the dog, which is a responsibility, and he needs to learn about responsibility. And as annoying as Roblo is being, he is kind of right. So did he not teach his kid responsibility before now? He did communicate his entire senior year of college, it seems like. So I'm not sure how really present in his life Roblo has been. Because, yeah, they did not see this kid for like nine months, and they didn't know he had a dog.
So they're all worried that Gonker's going to die. And Ravlo's like, well, yeah, that's your fault, kid. Deal with it. So they go to the vet the next morning. But of course, there wouldn't be a movie if Gonker was already dead. He's jumping around with the employees. I would be telling everyone they had to watch this because I would think it was so weird and funny. He's literally gone in the first 20 minutes. And the rest of the movie is just the family grieving over the dog.
But no, Gonker's fine-ish. And he's, they've never seen such a miraculous recovery and he's jumping on all the employees. Liz, that's because Gonker is not just any dog. Oh my God, I hate it. But I mean, everybody feels that way about their dog. So he's the best dog ever. And he gets to eat steak when he gets home. And Rob Lowe chases the dog for a stick. And then we sort of are getting a hint that Fielding never eats at this point. And then because he's supposed to like eat, his family has like invited some people over for dinner. And of course, Fielding is late and comes in with a stupid dog. And then it's like, me and the dog are going to do yoga. And everybody acts like that. It's not totally weird. And then.
After he leaves the room, he hears Rob Lowe talking smack about him, about how, you know, he had to work his way through college and fielding doesn't have any direction in his life and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well, he can get a job. And also, yeah, like, are you helping in any way? I don't know. Whatever.
You know, all of you are going to be fine. All of you are going to have health insurance. The bills are going to get paid. Like, calm down. He's got to learn responsibility, Samantha. Hard work. The value of five cents. So now his curly haired roommate, who I never fucking learned his name, comes to visit and they go on a hike in the woods only for Gonker to run after a fox and not come back. Oh, no.
And then I just wrote the word gonker is yelled many times. From here on out, you hear gonker yelled so often. It had no meaning in the first place, but it loses meaning. Gonker! Gonker! Oh, my God. Yeah, so many times. And then off camera, Fielding falls into a ravine and cuts his face. And so he, like, comes home and is waking his parents up in the middle of the night, bleeding, saying, like, gonker's gone and I can't find him. And Rollo at this point is very reasonable. And he's like, look, we're not going to find him tonight. Let's get some sleep. We'll make a plan in the morning. Like, you need to calm down. You're literally bleeding all over us.
so now we have a flashback for mom again I think it's the 60s and her parents are also having a dinner party and she is asking if she can bring her dog OG inside because it's very cold out and her mom's like oh no that's disgusting the dog has to stay outside we're bad parents and obviously because this mom is not a monster and does not want her dog to literally freeze to death oh my god she sneaks the dog in the house and the dog comes in her bed yeah okay there we go so now we're back in the present and they set up a fucking like field office to find Gongert like I have two dogs. I love my dogs. We'll call them my babies. They're still dogs, everyone. They are not literally people. They are not children. I think we all know this. If my dogs went missing, would I be frantic? Yes. Would I not do literally anything else for weeks and turn my house into a field office of maps and charts trying to find my dog? I'm going to say actually probably not. I'm going to say that most of us can't.
have jobs and have to continue to like have children they have to take care of like have a you know responsibilities like you can't put your life as much as you probably want to you can't put your life on pause if your dog is lost I mean you probably do a lot make flyers whatever like in the time I find it so funny that clearly one of the themes in this movie is that hard work is important and yet Rob Lowe literally does not go to his job he doesn't do any of his zoom meetings or whatever for weeks because he is full-time looking for gonker like walking trails and shit. And his mom is like at home. I don't know if she ever had a job, but whatever, like fielding calls and like tracking things on maps and like bullshit like that. She's gotten phone books from every county in the state so that they can call like animal hospitals and the police departments. It's like, holy shit. And even fielding is like, what are you guys doing? And they're like, we're going to find Gonker. Like, what are you talking about? Except that it's like.
No, this is not your... It's not Fieldy who went missing. It is a dog. And it's wild. Okay. So they have 19 days to find Gonker before he needs his next shot. And...
And I just wrote, oh, God, this is a lesson about hard work. Because, yeah, if you want to find Gonker, you got to put in the time. You got to put in the effort, Samantha. And then I just wrote, is this how the rich live? No, I don't think it is, actually. So meanwhile, Gonker is out there hiking the Appalachian Trail by himself. And he gets scared. That's all I wrote there. And then. That is sad. There's a thunderstorm and he hides but under a rock. You know, he's afraid of thunderstorms. And it's like, oh. Where's Rob Lodos seeing rhinestone cowboy? I know.
So then Rob Lowe and Fielding are at a gas station and a crazy religious guy sells them a statue of St. Anthony, which was five bucks. I feel like that's pretty decent. Not a bad price. Okay. So then they're like out walking in the woods for like five seconds before Fielding jumps at Rob Lowe and asks if he's proud of, quote, my ripped jeans, his choices, and everything in between. And Rob Lowe was like, we're here looking for a dog. Like, what are you doing? Rob Lowe, okay, look, I understand he like could do more to understand his son, whatever. But he has like dropped everything to go out and hike the Appalachian Trail and find the dog that you lost because you didn't have him on a leash because you're a dumbass. And you get alone for five seconds and you're just like, oh, so you just don't accept me for who I am? Kid.
Not the time or the place. You need to calm down. Like, yeah, literally he's put everything on hold. Not everyone, particularly because of toxic masculinity is good at expressing their emotions and their, their love for you in words. He is showing you that he loves you by looking for your stupid ass dog named Gonker. That's an act of love. He allowed you to, so they didn't know you had this dog. They allowed you to move back home with the dog. Like.
They helped you take care of the dog when it was sick. Now he's dropped everything to help you go find this dog. Who do you think paid that vet bill? Not Fielding. I don't think Fielding has two cents to his name. So yeah, probably Rob Lowe. We sound so old right now. Anyway. Okay, fine. Like you can talk about your feelings with him later, but I just feel like this is- They're literally in the car for one second and he's like, oh, so you just don't accept me for my ripped jeans and my lifestyle?
I mean, it's probably really realistic. I'm sure dealing with teenagers and young people is so incredibly annoying. And that's why I don't have children. OK, so now we learn that a local newspaper, instead of writing an ad. Also, these people have so much money to throw at this problem, right? Like the mom is like calling newspapers and like, can I place an ad about my missing dog? Like there's gonna be no expense spared finding Gonker. And the newspaper is like, you know, I think I should write an article about your search for Gonker because your like email really touched me or whatever. But I just wrote, but it is raining and Gonker is scared. OK, anyway, so then.
Rob Lowe and his son fight some more because fielding doesn't need his pity. And Gonker would never treat him like that. Only Gonker accepts him. And then outside this motel, this woman has seen their flyer and she hasn't seen Gonker, but she has this tip no one would ever figure out, which is that dogs can track dogs. What? Who knew? So they're going to borrow a dog named Yuri to help look for Gonker. She's Gonker's friend. Yeah. Gonker and Yuri know each other. It's not that random.
One of the themes of this movie, other than like hard work is important if you're really rich and you get to choose what you focus on, is that everybody wants to help. Everybody is nice. Everybody likes the missing dogs unite all of America and every single person deep down is a good person and they want to help you find your dog. Yeah, like the love of dogs brings people together or something. Yeah, it's like America loves dogs. Don't judge people because they probably also love dogs. Like that's the reason not to judge them. Do Americans care about each other? No, but Americans love dogs. It is a realistic message, to be honest. It is true. So they take this woman's advice and they get Yuri to help look for a gonker, which by the way, does not help. But anyway, everybody wants to help look for a gonker. So at this point, Rob Lowe decides, they're like hiking around and Rob Lowe sees some scary bikers right out of Unsolved Mysteries casting. No biker dresses like this, but it's like all the like.
leather jackets are like so new you know what i mean like everything is like so shiny and has never been like scraped on the ground or like it's comical i don't know why this guy has an accent it's like a russian accent or something it's odd it's the whole thing is very unrealistic and odd so anyway roblo's like why don't we go ask these bikers if they've seen conquer because they like cover a lot of ground and fielding is a pussy and he's like i don't know dad they don't seem like they would help us and roblo's like you gotta something about you gotta get out of your bubble or you're suffocating. They say it again. If you live life in a bubble, you'll suffocate or something. So he's like, he's like, Fielding, don't judge these guys that are probably huge racists. Let's go talk. I don't know. I don't know. A lot of bikers are white supremacists. Anyway, let's go talk to these white supremacists and see if they've seen your dog. And so they go and Roblo's like handing them a flyer and he's just there, you know, looking like his preppy, ridiculous self. And the bikers for a second look all intimidating. They're like, Gonker, that's a stupid name.
I had a dog with a stupid name once. It was Macaroni. And then Macaroni got out and he never found him. This was like his childhood dog and he's never gotten over it. And then he's like, who lost this dog? And Fielding was like, it's me. It's my fault. I didn't have him on leash. And the biker walks up to him and kind of pokes him in the chest. He's like, you have to forgive yourself. It's not your fault. Like, it's just not going to bring Gonker back.
So he learns a life message from this guy doing this weird voice that I think is supposed to sound tough. I don't know. It's very bad. It's not going to bring Gonker back to beat yourself up. You have to give yourself. Who did the analysis, the data analysis for the zine? Because I need them to do a Gonker count. How many times are we saying Gonker in this episode? That is such a chore, though, to give before Jacqueline. Jacqueline, you actually have to do that. But if you have somebody you maybe don't like and want to delegate that to, feel free. The Gonker counter. Gonker, Gonker, Gonker, Gonker. Okay.
So yeah, so we learned a lesson about not judging white supremacists. And then blah, blah, blah. Where was I? Rob Lowe remembered that lesson from that time he was in the woods with the Bigfoot hunters. Oh, yeah. And he almost had shot. They almost shot him. Great episode of The Low Files. Be sure to check it out if you haven't seen it. Okay. Now they need to sneak Yuri into a hotel to the night because the hotel doesn't allow dogs, but there's not another hotel around. So he has to put him in a coat, like Scooby-Doo style, practically. And honestly, the scene could be funnier. They didn't play it right. Agreed. And then...
What does the phrase little rules are for little men mean? It means he's rich and he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants. This kid is like, dad, there's no dogs allowed. We can't stay here. And he's like, little rules are for little men. I'm going to stuff this dog in my coat. It's probably really realistic. It's an annoying thing that that dad would say, but it's just like, I do whatever I want. I don't care what the rules are. And I was like, great.
I don't know. I feel like Fielding would be more than willing to sleep in the car with Yuri, but whatever. Maybe you could sleep by the river. Yeah, is there the dirty ground around for Fielding to sleep on? No, you have to go to a hotel. Okay, so now the mom gets this creepy phone call from someone saying that a bad man has gonker and he harms animals and she's seen animals go in this house but never come out.
So maybe this is why it had to be PG. It's too scary. Anyway, so Rob Lowe and Fielding go to this house and it turns out that it's just a doggy daycare and this old woman lives on the street and she's like not really with it anymore. They're like, yeah, we've explained to her several times what this business does, but she forgets because she's old and apparently just like calls people accusing them of being dog serial killers, which this guy is like really understanding about. I don't think I would be.
But the guy that runs the doggy daycare is, of course, like super tapped into the world of animals. So he's going to like get the word out. Everyone they meet is like, I'm going to get the word out about Gonker. And then Rob Lowe like really politely looks him in the eye and thinks that, which is awesome. A guy that says small rules are for small men or whatever is not like looking at people in the eye and going, I appreciate you. Thank you. Like, no. Anyway, Gonker, Gonker, Gonker. So now we see Fielding throw his food away while Rob Lowe isn't looking because he's not eating. And then they bump into a guy who's hiking and the guy's like, hey, have you seen this dog? And they were like, well, that's our dog. And this guy was so moved by the story that now he's dropped everything to look.
for gonker a dog he doesn't know gonker just really brings people together yeah if only gonker could run for president we could fix all the problems in this nation um President Gonker. President Gonker. Who would vote for President Gonker? So it turns out that Gonker's story has been picked up by the Associated Press. The word of Gonker is really getting out. There's a Duluth, Minnesota little guy. So there's this montage of the mom, I don't know her name either, getting phone calls from all over the country and all over the world with people giving advice. And there's some guy in Duluth, Minnesota, calls her to give her some advice on dogs with Addison's disease. Like the foods they could leave out for him that would help. I was like, well, he's gone, but okay.
Yeah, they knew where he was to give him food, I think. There wouldn't be a problem, but got it. So now they come across a campsite full of hippies, and Roblo doesn't want to talk to them because they're hippies, and they're more like fielding type of people. Yeah, okay, so he runs up to the white supremacist, but is he going to talk to some hippies that are just hiking the Appalachian Trail for their summer? Well, yeah, because he hates hacky sack. They actually had to cut this out, but he was like, oh my god, I can't go over there. If they want me to play hacky sack, I'll have to say yes because I need a favor. And then it's like a whole thing, right? Or they'll have those sticks, those devil sticks, and he's like, ugh.
drum circles so he like can't he can't do it but then fielding is like dad if you stay in your bubble you're just gonna suffocate man let's go and talk about how that like fish bootleg is so good and so then Rob Lowe goes over and literally immediately starts mansplaining how to make a fire because they're like I don't know not using kindling right or some shit and they're like whoa dude you're full of dad knowledge which is just like this boomer fantasy he tells them not to use green wood in their fire and they're like whoa man we didn't know that like what I think they're high as fuck. They probably did know, but they forgot, right? They're out in the woods doing mushrooms and shit. They're lucky they didn't light their own hands on fire. So anyway, Rob Lowe shows them how to make fire like a caveman. He also learned that in the woods with the Bigfoot hunters. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, whoa, man. Boomers actually have a lot of knowledge that we should be listening to. I'm going to just start talking in this hippie voice.
And then they start explaining how, like, when they're on their deathbed, they're not going to care if they worked for 43 years or 45 years or whatever, they say. Like, it's okay to take a little time off to figure out what you want to do. And then Robbo's like, I think my son's been trying to tell me this this whole time, but I haven't been listening. And the guy's like, yeah, because that's your son, man. Is that pretty accurate? That's exactly how it went down. Yeah. They teach him a valuable lesson about how to actually listen to what Fielding is saying and not just dispense dad wisdom. Right. How he needs to have a job two seconds after graduating college. It's like, okay, I'll go work at Lawrence on Silvers. What do you want from me, dad?
Okay, I don't get to talk in the hippie voice anymore. I'm kind of sad about it. Oh, okay. So there's a part where the hippies are saying that their parents don't understand. I do get to say it. I do get to talk in the hippies. You're just dragging this out. Because they're saying their parents don't understand them and that they want to write plays and make music and shit like that. And Rob Lowe, fucking Rob Lowe, who I think has been an actor since he was like, I don't know, 15 or some shit. I don't think he's ever had a real job in his life. And I realize he's playing a character, but I'm not buying it. He tells them that writing your plays and making music isn't going to pay the bills.
And then their parents are just worried about them. And I was like, I can't buy this coming out of your mouth. It pays the bills for some people. I was like, it pays the bills for you. But okay. Anyway. So hippies wake up to the fact that he isn't listening to his son. And then I go, oh, wow. Can the generations learn from each other or what? So in the night now, it's nighttime. The dog Yuri is winding at the bathroom door. And it's because Fielding is vomiting of blood.
But he can't be concerned about that right now because he has to find... What's that dog's name again? Gonker. And somehow, despite the fact that Fielding and his dad are sharing a hotel room, his dad is oblivious to the fact that his son is vomiting up blood. And has, like, not eaten food this entire time. He hasn't eaten a thing except water, apparently, in days. And despite the fact that they're spending all their time together, dad does not notice. He kind of notices because he mentions it to the mom, but, like, does he do fuck about it? No. Anyway. So now they have to take Yuri home because it...
The owner was going to Florida or some shit. So Yuri, thanks for nothing. So now Fielding is going to walk part of the trail alone and meet up with Rob Lowe after Yuri has dropped off. And now we have a flashback to the mom looking for her dog as a child. And she can't find him. And it turns out that her dog was hit by a car and died. And her parents were super assholes about it and told her that no amount of crying would bring him back. And that if she didn't cry, she was going to get rewarded with a shopping trip. And I was like, wow, this is some of the worst fake parenting I've ever seen. That's not how those emotions work, Grandma. But anyway.
So, but this is showing you that the mom never really got to process the loss of Yuri, right? Because her, her, her OG. Yeah, sorry, OG. Because her parents are such dicks. So now Rob Lowe is home and the mom is having like a semi-breakdown because of the amount of information coming in and she's stressed, but also she's saying OG instead of Gonker because of her unresolved grief.
And at this point, she does suggest maybe going to an animal psychic, which I wish had been in the film. Yeah, same. But when Rob Lowe goes to meet Fielding, he isn't there. Oh, no. And he's, like, driving around for two hours looking for him. This could have been done more dramatically. I don't think they did a really good job of building any tension at all, but whatever. When he finds him, Fielding's feet are all bloody from walking, and he, like, really overdid it. And he's like, but I gotta find Gonker. And we learn now that Rob Lowe loves his son. Which is like, no shit. Why would he be doing all of this if he didn't love his son? Really?
I mean, he loves his son. Yeah, we get it. But I realized that he's not aware of Fielding's stomach issues at this point in the story. But your son, they said he had been walking for like 20 hours or something. He's obviously dehydrated. He has sores all over his feet. Take him to the hospital. The fact that he didn't take him to the hospital at this point is so baffling to me. He's walked to the point where his feet are bleeding and he can barely stand up anymore. Which, first of all, get him some better shoes. You should be able to hike and not...
bloody up your feet. Like get him some better shoes and socks. And also, yeah, like he's clearly like dehydrated. He looks like fucking shit. Like he probably needs an IV. Like he doesn't have any nutrients in him. He's a walking husk.
Anyway. But yeah, I just wrote, he loves his son. They are closer now. At this point, they bump into that curly-haired roommate also walking the trail. He, apparently not communicating with Fielding at all, since he was there when Gonker went lost and knew they were starting north, heading south. He started south and is heading north. This is one of the many people that we were told has a fancy job, and yet he's out on the Appalachian Trail looking for Gonker. How does he have any accrued paid time off at this point? He's worked this job for, like, a month. I mean, I think he is a professor, and to be fair, they get a lot of time off, but...
I don't know when this is supposed to be. I guess this is still this. I don't know. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Also, something we forgot to talk about with beloved Gonker is that he loves donuts. I mean, he can throw them in the air and catch them. Yeah, it's actually really important. So this curly haired roommate has like tied donuts to himself, hoping to attract Gonker because he's a fucking idiot. And then he was like, you know who likes donuts? Every single bird. And they've been attacking me. And I was like, well, then why haven't you taken the donuts off? This guy is supposed to be a professor and he's walking around the woods with donuts tied to him.
Okay. Okay, then. So now they are, you know, they bumped into the fringe. The three of them go to a bar to supposedly get some food, even though obviously Fielding's not going to eat his burger and he just lets the waitress take it away. And then while they're sitting there, the only two not helpful people in this entire movie are two working class rednecks at this bar that are wearing like flannel shirts and baseball hats, which is how you know they're just regular men, right? These are the only people this entire movie that haven't been like, I will drop my entire life to find a dog I've never met before. Named Gonker. Named Gonker. For you, a rich person.
So yeah, so I forget why even, but the redneck guys are like giving, fielding a hard time. It's implied that they're drunk. They overhear him give a lost dog flyer to the waitress. And then they start like nagging them. And then, I mean, Rob Lowe needs to have his tough guy moment, right? So that's what this is all leading up to. The worst possible, this is probably the worst moment in the film, which is Rob Lowe was in the bathroom when this started and he comes out and these two guys are harassing his son. And Rob Lowe literally takes off his stupid Clark Kent glasses and is cleaning the lens. And he was like, so here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to something something and then pop your eyeball out or something. I'm going to. push my thumb so far into your eyeball that it scrapes your brain. I don't know what he says. It's weird. It's weird. And it's like, that guy's never been in a fight in his life. Are you fucking kidding me? He's taking on these two redneck muscle men who are drunk and probably in their hometown where they know people, right? And can get away with you. And you're just some rich carpetbagger. Rob Lowe comes out of the bathroom and takes his glasses off. Oh no. Here's what's going to happen. Also, I don't think Rob Lowe is like a tall guy. So no. So no on like every level. Rob Lowe is not risking the face. Are you kidding? The moneymaker?
No one that looks like that is willing to get punched in the face, okay? That's just not a thing. Rob Lowe's never been in a fight in his life. I don't believe one word of it. I don't believe he goes around telling rednecks he's going to pop their eyes out. It's so stupid. I can't handle it. And then when he's leaving, he tells the waitress, like, that cheeseburger was literally delicious. It's just the most Rob Lowe-y sentence. He sounds like he's on Parks and Rec. He's like, that was literally the best cheeseburger I've ever had. He's like, he cannot stop sounding like that. It's like the least tough anyone has ever sounded.
Okay, whatever. I just wrote, it's hard to watch. Now a tip comes in to the Gonker field office about a dog at a shelter with Addison's disease. I feel like I'm saying that wrong. It's Addison's disease. Addison's disease, sorry. So they go there, they're all excited. Oh, maybe it's Gonker, but guess what? It's not Gonker. And this is the thing I was talking about where they see the dog and they're like, Gonker has more reddish fur. And I was like, no, he fucking doesn't. How are you out looking for this dog and you don't even know what he looks like? Okay, so now Fielding cries while looking at a lake because it's not Gonker.
And I wrote, Rob Lowe's t-shirt cannot be more fitted as he hugs his sad son. They go home. Rob Lowe 2 No One says, I'm so sorry, Gonker. As his son is asleep in the car. Because you know what? It's over. They're not going to look for Gonker anymore. Well, time is up, right? So time's up. They only had 30 days before. They spent so much time looking for this dog. 19 days straight.
uh okay anyway so i'm so sorry gonker that's a line right there so then they drive sleeping fielding home and his parents tells him that it's over and he needs to eat and clearly he's like they think he's not eating because he's stressed about gonker so they're like look this is like really taking this toll we've done everything we can this is not gonna work And so his sister, who has not been in the movie at all, calls and is like, look, I heard, but you got to take care of yourself and you did everything you could for Gonker and it's not your fault, whatever. Right. And he admits to her at this point that he is sick. And she was like, well, you know, you've been stressed about Gonker, but you need to eat something. And he's like, no, actually, I've been sick for like months and I just haven't done anything because I'm scared. And so she's like, well, if you don't tell the parents, I'm going to tell them because obviously she doesn't want to be responsible for that information. Right. And he clearly needs help. Yes. I don't know what he thought was going to happen there. But anyway, I feel like he's practically about to die at this point. How long since he's eaten? Right. You need to do something fielding.
Anyway, he goes into the field office where his mom is like packing up all this. Oh, something I hated was that when anyone was helpful, the mom like wrote their name on a little post-it note and added them to this like bulletin board of heroes. Oh, I hate it so much. Okay, anyway, so she's like packing all that shit up because it's stupid. And Fielding comes in and is like, I have something to tell you. And then that's when someone calls and is like, I think I've got a gonker site in here at wherever it is because a dog has been eating out of a dumpster. It looks like it's at an inn or a hotel. I'm not, it's not really clear to me.
um and so they drive to this place it's like a couple hours away they're like look it might not be gonker like who knows right they go there and um oh no i know what it is she the mom asks well do you have a picture because not to be rude but we've had like a couple leads that it turned out it wasn't gonker and could you take a video or something and the guy was like well i tried to film him doing his trick but it like it didn't work or something and they were like what trick and it's the thing with the donuts he puts a donut on his nose and then he eats it and they were like oh my god no other dog in the whole world does that it's gonker So then they drive to the inn and then they're like, well, where is he? And he goes, I don't know. He ran into the woods. So they just like stand by the woods and yell Gonker one million times. And eventually Gonker comes out. It's Gonker, everybody.
Oh, I forgot that right before that he's like holding his son and he's like, we will find him. And the son's like, how do you know that dad? And Roblo like sees Gonker coming out of the woods and he's like, because I believe it. Yeah. Because Roblo this whole time has been trying to be like really uplifting and inspiring and also threatening to pop out people's eyeballs. So they got the dog. Oh my God. Yay. Uplifting music plays. And now there's this kind of confusing moment. So they drive back to the house and Roblo opens the door and he's like to the mom. It's like your dog, madame or something. And the dog that gets out is her childhood dog. And I really for a second thought they had like stopped and gotten a second dog.
Because I was like, oh, because she missed her dog. I just sort of think that would have been a cute ending. Yeah, like Gonker is Fielding's dog and you want Fielding to get a job and move out of the house. So you are going to need your own dog, right? Makes sense. No, she's just like seeing her childhood dog because she now has closure about the death of that dog. That's weird. It's a strange moment. Honestly, she should talk to a therapist about it. It sounds like she's hallucinating. So then Fielding collapses.
And he doesn't really get to spend any time with Gonker that he just found. And it's because he has untreated ulcerative colitis. That thing that I constantly see ads for medicine about. And I go to my TV. I don't have ulcerative colitis. You're wasting my time. Because I only see ads for medicines that I do not need and insurance. Anyway. So he's in the hospital. The doctor's explaining they had to remove like a large portion of his large intestine. But then he goes, well, he's fine. And I was like, it sounds like it has major surgery. Major surgery that's going to have like health implications for the rest of his life. But the doctor's really like, he's fine. Like, oh, he's good now. You don't actually need intestines. I don't know why they're in there.
what he really needs now is rest however something i forgot to tell you is that fielding can't sleep without gonker so now what happens robo has to sneak gonker this gigantic fucking dog into the hospital and again could have been funnier it could have been funnier um also it's not a place to bring a dog but yeah maybe ask if they had like some sort of therapy dog i don't know Because is Gonker going to be jumping around causing chaos? I'm not. My impression of Gonker is not that he's well behaved. This would be like bringing Lenny, a giant Lenny to the hospital. Terrible idea. That's why I call him Gonker now. OK, I just wrote now they can both rest. So that's the end of the movie. But in the credits, because this is based on a true story, it like kind of tells you like, oh, what happened to these people? And it says that Fielding moves to Chile to give nature towards like, oh, he found his calling in life after all. And I really was like, bitch, where's Gonker? After all that, you moved internationally. The timeline is not.
clear like it said so first of all you see a picture of the real gonker and it says like gonker was never separated from his family again and then it says like fielding now lives in chili so it's not clear like what the order like seems like gonker is no longer with us uh so it's not clear like okay if he immediately went to chili or like he was like i found out a way to make money and sleep by a river bye and then like the mom just has to raise gonker seems like she would have been fine with that she seemed like gonker a lot it's true but i was kind of like you did all that just to peace out your parents are right you cannot take responsibility actually Good job, Fielding. So that is the movie, everybody. You now know more about Dog Gone than you ever, ever wanted to know. I hope you're happy. What's your favorite movie about a dog? Do you have one? Hmm.
Oh, that's such a good question. Favorite movie about a dog. I mean, I don't know that I've watched a movie about a dog since I was a kid, but when I was a kid, we loved Homeward Bound. We also were big into like, we watched the Beethoven movies. I don't know if I could say anyone those were my favorite. Oh, Milo and Otis. What about Balto? No, never saw Milo and Otis. Okay, I liked Balto. My friend and I actually re-watched Balto not that long ago and did not realize how sexy they made those dogs. Like, what were they doing?
Also, like, the dog's relationships is, like, a plot point. It's not like I'm just lusting after these cartoon dogs. But, like, how sexy the dogs are is, like, a plot point in the movie that I did not remember. Yeah. I mean, it holds up. It's a good movie. As a kid, I loved All Dogs Go to Heaven. Oh, yeah. And I remember it being, like, a little bit odd. And then recently I made some children watch it. And I was like, holy shit, this is the weirdest fucking film I've ever seen in my life that wasn't, like, French New Wave.
why was I so into why was this like a major release for children why was I so into this like it's literally about dogs having like rival casinos and the like evil mobster dog is called car face as if you know what the fuck scar face like it's just so there's like it's just like all like dog debauchery and the plot is fucking wild it makes no sense when i was looking up information about it it turns out that the the voice actress that did the little girl who was actually a little girl was murdered by her father yeah she was also um she was one of the characters in land before time uh littlefoot i think was she littlefoot i don't remember um sarah okay um yeah was murdered and they had recorded you know like the the way animation works is they had recorded like the voice tracks like years before the whole movie was done because this is like a hand-drawn thing and so she's like recorded her voice parts and then is murdered and so Don Bluth was like so sad about it that like the the animation is like based on her.
it like looks and acts like her and i was like oh my god this is the saddest fucking thing the stupid dog movie oh my god i remember as a child so we you know vhs used to be pretty expensive and we didn't have that many and i think this was one lots of people had this this was a big vhs seller in the you know late 80s and i think they made it like a little bit cheaper which is smart because then everybody was like okay we'll get this one so like everyone fucking had this movie we had it i was very excited about it and i was so excited about i showed my grandfather who was a minister i like made him watch all dogs go to heaven and i just remember him being like what was that and i thought that was for like religious reasons but looking back it's like no this movie just like makes no sense so funny yeah we definitely had all dogs go to heaven on vhs also um i think it was just like it was like kind of a deal so you were like well yeah we'll get this because disney vhs were fucking money i remember yeah but you could get all dogs go to heaven from one of those bins in the middle of walmart i remember saving up to get the little mermaid on vhs when it came out and i think it was like 30 dollars like in 80s money that's fucking a lot no we just re-watched aristocats over and over again basically um which i feel like was another one that wasn't that expensive um yeah
We watched the DuckTales movie where they, like, go to Egypt and find a treasure. And I've probably seen that movie more than any movie in my entire life. What's the one with the mouse? Fievel Goes West? Yeah. That was another one. We rewatched it so much. There's American Tail is the first one. Oh, yeah. I think we had both. Which I had a giant Fievel for that. And I recently found one at the thrift store and bought it again. And Mac was like, really? Because it's huge. And what I loved about it is that you could, like, take off the hat and wear it yourself. So now that's just, like, in our basement. Like, why am I going to do that? But, yeah, I loved that, too. I don't know why I was like, yes, this movie about a mouse.
And the Jewish immigrant experience really speaks to me. Also, in the 80s, like, every cartoon thing was about a mouse. Like, not even just Disney shit. Like, everything was about mice. Yeah, it's true. Like, The Secret of Man. To the 90s, though, too. I mean, Stuart Little? Come on. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, I don't know that I have a favorite dog movie. I would have thought it was All Dogs Go to Heaven, and then I watched that, and I went, wow, this is fucking insane. And I feel like it's making me stupider as I watch it. But I was definitely more of a Don Bluth kid than a Disney kid, because those movies are, as it turns out, those movies are fucked up.
Secret of Nam, like, honestly scary. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Why were we watching that in the library when it rained and we couldn't go out for recess? I don't know. But it may be the person I am today. So thanks to you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you to Wiesbrook Elementary School and to the Don Bluth Company for me watching The Secret of Nam over and over again. Okay, that's where we're going to end this episode. Oh, so the day that I watched Dog on, that was not even the worst movie that I watched that day, everybody.
Because I watched that movie from 2017, The Snowman, which I remember that came out and everybody was making fun of it. And, you know, there's a bunch of memes and then I forgot. But then they added it to Netflix the other day and it was like number one. And I was like, oh, my God, that snowman movie. I'm totally watching this. And holy shit, does that movie make no sense. And it's so bad and it takes itself so seriously. And it is about a killer making snowmen. So I think that has to be our pick for next month.
We've also had a request for some more Rob Lowe content. He's on some show, I can't even remember what it's called, about first responders. And apparently there's an episode about a volcano. So we might be watching some... Sign us up. Lone Star 911 or whatever the fuck it's called. I like Rob Lowe's kids. We love making fun of Rob Lowe. It's true. We do have that in common with the Lowe children, whatever their names are.
He does have a show with one of his sons, and I'm so disappointed it's not more low files. No, it's like, didn't you say it was fiction? Yeah, it's like his kid acting. I was like, no. No, that's not what I want. I want a kid on a boat making fun of him. Just roasting him, going, Dad, stop posing, which I think about that all the time. Where Rob Lowe is so used to being on camera that he's making sure it gets his best angles, and they're like, oh my god, Dad, stop. Just be normal. Can't you just be normal? That's what you would end up saying if your dad was Rob Lowe all the time. The answer is no. He's done that his entire life. He doesn't know any better. He doesn't know any different.
Anyway, I'm really excited to make Samantha watch that snowman movie because it is so bad. And apparently they just like didn't film key parts of the plot. They like ran out of money and they tried to cobble it together. It's bizarro. So I think that's gonna be next month. Can't wait. Send Samantha all the clues, everybody. Okay. Bye. Bye. Gonger. Gotta squeeze one more Gonger in there. Gonger. Gonger. So be sure to, I don't know, get high and watch this movie. It's probably a good time. Gonger.