Funeral Planning with Undertaking the Podcast

Hello and welcome to the Gifted Life Podcast where we have conversations about organ tissue and ideonation. Thank you so much for listening guys. I'm Laurie Steele. I'm Joey Boudreau.

I'm Sarah Blakemore. On the episode today, they're back undertaking the podcast. Yeah, we get questions so we like to ask the experts about a topic that we get quite often. Planning for a funeral.

And what to say when you don't know what to say? Oh, good. All coming your way right here, thegiftedlife.org. Hang on to your hats.

Here we go. Here on the Gifted Life, they're back. We had so much fun with these guys. Brian and Ryan.

We had the podcast undertaking the podcast. That's what it's called. Pretty catchy, right? All right.

So I'm going to ask you guys, you know, how did you get that name? But you're back. Hi. What's your happiness?

Did you miss us as much as we missed you guys? Of course we did. Yes. All right.

We had so many more questions. There's only so much time per episode. So we greatly appreciate you guys coming back and Ryan joined us last time in between the interview and we talked to Brian about how he got into the funeral business. And we just kind of want to hear your background really quick if you could bring us up to date.

You know, I've been involved with my family firm. I guess since I was a kid, I started in 1949. I ended up working with my family, but I came from another career. So I started off as a empty paramedic and Indianapolis did that for about 13 years.

Ran into some pretty, I would say compromising situations where safety was a little bit of a concern. I used to run with my hair on fire all the time once I had children that kind of changed for me. So made me think about some things. I still advocate for EMS legislatively as well as locally or safe and locally.

But not on the truck 24 hours at a time. And so I kind of moved into the idea of taking care of people, you know, in their time of need to a different time of need, you know what I mean? So I've been a funeral director for about two years now. I enjoy it.

I really like it. I really enjoy working with my family. There's one thing I can honestly say. I think you talked about this in the past.

Brian is the fact that thank you means something different within funeral service. And when I say that, there's a genuine, how about this? There's a genuine, it's just more genuine, I guess, would be a term. You know, when someone says thank you, they mean it.

You don't hear that in public safety very often at all if you do. It's even far between. So, you know, the idea of thank you and the meaning behind it, seeing someone say thank you and they have a tear. You feel that you've made a difference.

You feel that you've touched that person, that family guided them through this process. And you know, and they legitimately are thankful. So that was something for me. I crave, I'm a validation guy anyway.

So I like, I like hearing, thank you. I enjoy that. I crave that. It makes me work harder.

So that's one thing within funeral service that, you know, I wouldn't say it changed me, but it's something I was able to get within this profession that I wasn't getting elsewhere. So I love you and I'm asking you, I'm not going to run a lot of medical services. Always will be an advocate and always will love it. Always, you know, on the side of the US professionals.

But this was something that was a better fit for my family, for my kids, you know, as well as a sustainable business that was already established. And then you guys, you know, of course, both took your knowledge and wanted to kind of pay things forward with creating a podcast undertaking the podcast. I had to explain to the millennials in the room what an undertaker was. I love it.

So how'd you guys come up with a name? My sister is a graphic designer and I was working with her to come up with a logo for the podcast that we needed to name first. We were tossing names left and right. And she says, well, you're undertaking the podcast and I went, well, I guess we are undertaking the podcast.

Happening, we kind of had a little bit of laugh about that. So basically our graphic designer, my sister named the podcast. But you mentioned that, you know, we're taking our expertise kind of on the road or out on the internet to the world. We want to do is take folks on a journey with us because we're still learning on the way, too.

And that's really our main goal with the podcast. Well, and the podcast too is it's conversational, you know, we bring people in that we think have an expertise that we don't or that some, you know, they have something unique about them that they can maybe share with the entire industry itself. So it's, you know, we're not preaching or teaching or anything like that. We're having conversation and I find I think Brian does too, you know, when we go to these conventions and we go to places, you know, sometimes just sitting down and having conversation after, you know, whatever breakout session you go to or whatever else sometimes that's where you want to go or that you did the breakout session.

So dialogue is so important. Something we don't do enough just in America in general, but I think from a standpoint of within funeral service, we need to be doing a lot more of that. So yeah, we mentioned in a previous podcast with you guys, communication is key across the board. So we appreciate you guys opening up that dialogue.

We did want to talk to you guys when it comes to funerals, the pre planning that goes into it and sounds like you guys had a key. Like here's some helpful tips and we'd like those. Yeah, absolutely. I'll take it, Ryan, if you go ahead and if you don't mind.

What I can tell folks is if they're thinking of pre planning, the one thing that you need to have is just being willing to have a conversation. There's nothing that you can forget to bring into a funeral home that can't be undone later. Basically I give folks, I call it Brian's three steps to pre planning. And the first one is choosing a funeral home and giving them your information.

That is, you know, all about your family, all about yourself, tell them what you do for work and the funeral director will make a list. We'll take notes and create a file to keep, keep it the funeral home for you. That takes maybe 10 to 15 minutes. Sometimes it takes three hours because folks just love to talk and funeral directors, as you can tell, we love to talk too.

But getting that first step done, completely easy and absolutely free. I doubt there's a funeral director in the nation that would try to charge you money for providing them your personal information, keep on file to help your family down the road, if there is that the big red flag. And then the second step is to, while you're having that conversation with the funeral director, is to talk about what types of services you desire, what would be important to your family. So whether that's a burial cremation, funeral in a church or a funeral home or in your home, there's so many options out there, but talk to that funeral director, have a conversation about it.

And while you're there, get a written quote of how much is that, that is going to cost. Step two and step one and step two are absolutely completely free. Step three is coming up with a plan to fund it. And I'm going to stay out of the rabbit hole here because there's so many different ways to plan a funeral and fund a funeral that we're not even going to go into.

But the thing that we all want consumers to know is this needs to be your decision. If you ever get hard push from a salesman or a funeral director, that's a red flag. That's time to slow down and stop and reevaluate if you've made the right decision because this is a very personal decision for you and your family. And you should not be pressured into something to do, to do something you're not comfortable with.

So those are the, those are Brian's three steps of pre-planning. I'll, I'll, I'll start with a conversation, giving your information to a funeral director, getting a written quote for what you want and then coming up with a plan to fund it. So I have been through funeral homes over the last couple of years, more times than I'd like, just losing loved ones. And we had a request from my dying loved one to put a sound machine in the casket and he had picked someone that was going to make this noise as people were coming to the service.

And he said he just didn't want everybody to be so sad. He wanted it to be something people remembered which we do. And as folks would come up, there was a noise that would come from the coffin and they caught everybody off guard, but we were laughing about it. And then folks would stay because they want to see what the next person's reaction would be and things like that.

So, and that's just from us. And then next time we visited the funeral home, they were, you know, you tell us what you want. We even had this one who put the sound machine in the gasket and that was us. Yeah.

So have you had any crazy asks of you guys when it comes to that, is there, you know, you've been in the business for a long time. Brian, can I jump in with you? Absolutely go ahead. Yeah.

And I think that that idea that you just threw out there is something, you know, that it's kind of pretty innovative. It creates the attention to go on the person, the guest of honor, the person that has passed. You know, it's one last hurrah in their honor and their name. So I kind of think that's neat.

Now we've had, you know, we've had people put their pets in with them, their cremated pet in with them, you know, things like that. We've had, you know, we've had people put money, Jack Daniels bottles. You know, it just, it varies on whatever that person was really into cigarettes. I think Sinatra was buried with, I think, a roll of dimes, some old reds and then a fifth Jack Daniels.

So something like that. I mean, that's not at all at all. You know, there's people that have asked to be buried with firearms in the past as well. You know, that's not out of the realm of possibilities.

It's not a loaded firearm. It cannot be a loaded firearm, you know. It's funny that you would know that. So it's funny that you would know that.

That's the rule. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's still liability that goes into the book. You know, it's one of those things where you can pretty much, pretty much do anything.

I don't know that it really would surprise. I think Brian's had a few surprises when it comes to this. But for me, I guess it's not surprising for someone to ask to have anything put in the gasket with them. So.

Yeah, Ryan's right. You know, we always hear that, you know, you can't take it with you. Nonsense. That's rubbish.

You absolutely can't take it with you. And human beings have been doing this for thousands of thousands of years. We find it in the archeological record that not only did they take nice things, they took their best things with them. But to pick out one thing, I can't even think of one thing that I would even label crazy because when a family gives us a request, it's so unique to that individual that in our heads, we're trying to make that answer be yes.

And sometimes that takes time to do. And we transported caskets in vehicles that maybe didn't think that would transport a casket in. But the one thing I tell every family is, and most families preface their questions with this may be weird. And just get that out of your head because chances are it's not.

But all we need is funeral directors is enough time to make that happen. As long as it's within the law, we can probably do it. And some people may think it's weird, but I thought it was amazing because obviously representing who that person was. We had one recently that during the viewing process, he was they said they staged it to where he was doing his favorite thing, what he did all the time.

And it was gaming. I was wondering if you guys had chips on the side, chips and he had different things. I said, that is amazing. That's something that somebody that had a lot of thought with thinking in that.

Have you guys had any different requests like that? Yeah, I mean, you'll have people that if someone for instance, we're in an ad community where we're at, we'll have people that say if they were a big farmer in town, they may want their combines out on the slate and they want their tractors out on the slate out in the parking lot or in front of the funeral home or whatever else. And then we also can personalize too around the casket. If it's a false funeral and that person might fall colors, you can set a hay bale up in one corner and kind of have a scarecrow there with a pumpkin or something like that.

You really can't decorate it. It almost, it's going to be odd to say it this way, but almost Pinterest. Ask, you know what I mean? It really, anybody can do anything.

I don't know that, I don't know that Brian and I, you know, maybe you can back me up on this, but I don't know that I don't know that the word no is something that we really want to say when it comes to that. So we'll figure it out. Yeah, and you see that with those, those other activities that other people have done that with more of your question on, I think it's been branded extreme and bombing when it is just general and bombing. It is just with specific requests like setting someone up with their gaming console.

I've seen pictures with Pittsburgh Steelers, memorabilia, sitting in a recliner watching a, watching Pittsburgh Steelers, you know, I've seen a lot of that, but in our area, it's not something that's really requested. I'm not sure how much it's done up in the Midwest, but it's kind of a cultural thing. It's, it's not uncommon in certain parts of the world to do that at all. Yeah, we saw some in NOLA.

That's where we are, Louisiana, leave it to us, right? You said you had like the top three kind of pre-planning, we like that. We like lists. So, you know, we have a lot of things that we need to think about to bring with us to a funeral home at that time comes.

Is there like a go-to? Yeah, I would say no. I would say the biggest thing is that you'd be open to conversation and that conversation we would encourage that it doesn't stop with the funeral director in the funeral home. There's really, there's nothing that you have to bring in when you come in to make your plan.

I've, I've had a, I had a gentleman that came into the funeral home because he knows I have a coffee pot on and while we're sitting, have a cup of coffee, he says, you know, I need to come and see it sometime. And of course, I look at him funny because he's of course seeing me right then. And I said, what do you mean? He says, well, I'd like to make my plans.

Well, we can probably do it before you finish that cup of coffee. And he says, well, I don't, I don't have any money. I said, oh, I don't need your money. Let's get your plan done.

So we went through step one step two. He got his plan in place. He knew what it would cost. And he was happy.

He didn't have to pay any money. His third step's not done, but it doesn't have to be at that time. So that's, that's the thing is being open to conversation and more so open to conversation, even within your own family as well. One of the hardest things we do as funeral directors is when we have a plan in place or a family has been given, sometimes I call it marching orders of what needs to happen after they die.

And what we see as funeral directors is sometimes folks say nothing. I don't do anything. But my birthday was just the other day and my wife had asked me for the two weeks prior, what do I want to do? And I told her nothing.

It's very similar, a situation when it comes to funeral planning. We don't want to be a bother as human beings. But that's one of the hardest things we do is when we sit before a family and their family members said don't do anything. They want to honor their wishes, but in their hearts, they want to, they love them.

They want to, they want to tell the world that they loved them, but they don't feel that they have the permission. And without that conversation, I think that causes a lot of, a lot of struggle with families. I don't know what he, I don't know what he's talking about. I don't want bounce houses.

I'm a lion's tamer trapez artists. I don't know what he's talking about. Hang out with you, buddy. He didn't even tell me happy birthday.

Happy birthday, by the way. Oh, thanks. I know your friend didn't say that. You're right.

You didn't tell anybody, guys. I don't want to miss you. We were celebrating on Bourbon Street here, man. You brought up some good points in our community.

We try to encourage the conversation so that our loved ones know what our wishes are. But that doesn't always happen. I know you guys kind of run into the same thing. So then what?

Ryan, do you have a checklist? You'd like to get the folks after death has occurred? Or do you like me go? I don't really have a checklist.

You know, I go ahead, Brian, with it. Well, I mean, if your loved one is dying, you're walking into a funeral home to make arrangements. It'll probably help you to make some notes ahead of time because, first off, know that you don't have to be in a hurry. You don't have to be rushed.

You're on your own schedule, not a funeral home schedule. So that's a big red flag that I mentioned to folks. But your mind's going to be coming in and out. So make notes, write your questions down that you want to ask.

That is huge because they'll be there one minute and they'll be gone the next. When you go in before a funeral director to talk to them, you'll want to have information ready on family history, names of grandkids. Mothers made a name for things to be the hardest for some reason. But I think it's because of the stressful nature of the conversation at that time.

So making a list of your family and what your loved one did, what they did for work, what clubs they were in, what churches they were in, maybe phone numbers of ministers or folks that you like the funeral home to call. If you've purchased anything ahead of time outside of the funeral home, you want to bring copies of those receipts, whether it's for the cemetery or for, you know, if you've purchased any merchandise outside of the funeral home, bring those items. A photograph is always very helpful. You'll be wanting to use that for obituary announcements or newspaper notices, even online notices as well.

Clothing's always a good one to bring, especially if you're going to be viewing your loved one later. A lot of folks ask us, do we need to bring pants? Well, as you know, doctors, we just recommend you dress them like you normally dress them. And how do you normally see them, whether it's bib overalls, a baker's outfit, we've done all kinds of different things.

It's up to you as a family to let us know your wishes and let us know what you want. But there's nothing that you can forget at that time that can't be fixed over time. We just love how much you guys care about y'all's families and about the person that you're honoring these funerals. That's what we try to do with our families as well.

We try to honor them. Now, with that, it sounds like there's a lot of passion that you guys bring forth. And I know from personal experience that that can be wearing and that it can create an imbalance between your work and your life. So what are some things that you guys do outside of work to practice self-care?

Take away, Ryan. I'm a cigar guy. Yes. I don't know if that's considered self-care.

Yes, it is. I really enjoy cigars. You know, I've got my own recipe as well that I like to quench my thirst with those cigars. But I think that from a standpoint of self-care, they talk about PTSD with a funeral service and whatever else.

I know from a pre-hospital standpoint, it is something that I think EMS professionals as well as public safety have to deal with. I think that it also is relevant within funeral service. Some of the things that you see you deal with not only within the prep room, but with these families. The death of young people, especially if it's tragic, is always so hard.

That emotion is so high. I've talked about this on our podcast. The idea that the breadth in that at first initial viewing just gets taken out of the room from that loved one actually getting to see their loved one for the first time. That does wear on.

I'm not going to say it doesn't. That does wear on you. You know, some people work out. Some people, Brian and I just talk, man.

I think the podcast for us helps us be compressed a little bit. I think dialogue with not necessarily maybe your competitor, but other professionals within the industry helps you decompress a little bit. I don't know. You should have a circle of people that you can reach out to if you've got something that is bothering you.

I think that's part of self-care as well. We deal with, we do deal with a lot when it comes to death. You know, that is our business. That is what a female director does.

But there are things that will affect a director differently. Everybody has a different mindset, which means that the things they're dealing with at the time will affect them in different ways. I have more of a hardened mindset. I attribute that to my years working as a paramedic.

You know, some people don't have that. You know, so it just varies person to person. What I would advise someone to do is to talk to somebody, have that dialogue. If something's bothering you, bring it up to a friend within the service.

Gosh, call one of us, you know, or whatever else. I just think that the dialogue within society now days is so diminished that we do suffer not only from a personal standpoint, but from a professional standpoint as well. So, I'm a cigar guy, but that's me. I truly believe dialogue is the biggest way of fixing things.

Briefly, I do that. Just a lot of the hobby. If you can get away from your work and recharge and get back to it, full strength, that's the biggest thing. But like Ryan said, sometimes funeral service can make you feel like you're out on an island because, frankly, the only one that knows what you're going through in town is the competitor down the street.

And if we don't talk to each other, you know, it's a shorter to lean on in a way. Other funeral directors because we know what each other is going through. And traditionally PTSD has been very taboo. It's not a subject that is broached off and more and more so nowadays, thankfully within funeral service.

But a lot of those that have gone before us, they tell the young ones that you know what you got into. It's time to, you know, buckle up and deal with it like the rest of us. Well, it sounds amazing that that is transition because I think now it's like you said, there's so much information about PTSD and vicarious trauma and grief. And I think instead of just dealing with it, we can find healthy ways to cope as well.

And so that we can provide the support for others the best way that we can. And that sounds like what you're doing. Well, I think about it this way though. You know, you've got people that have been in this business that do do reconstructive embalming and things like that.

You know, you spend 30 hours trying to, you know, and I'm going to say it directly, put someone back together so their loved one can see them and have a memory picture that is at least acceptable and recognizable from some tragic, you know, tragic incident 30 hours working on somebody seeing that dealing with it. It's going to affect you. You know, there's certain things that you just can't not remember. You know what I mean?

It's not like it's going to go away. You're right. It's seen it. It's there.

So how we cope with that and how we cope with it in a healthy way. So well guys, we could talk to y'all all day. Our new besties, Brian and Ryan. And if you're ever in Louisiana, look us up.

We do have those above ground cemeteries and come check those out. Awesome. Street. Lots of things.

One quick comment. Okay. The last thing I want to say is when we rolled into the pre planning conversation, I have so many families that let me know as a funeral director that they want to be an organ and tissue donor. And it's so important to let your funeral director know that because it you where you pass away is not always a situation where a donor network is contacted.

So it's so important to let your funeral director know that because we can help you and if you get resistance, you know, that's a red flag. It's time to move on and think rethink things. That's a great way to end it. We like you guys.

If you want more from Brian and Ryan, check out their podcast. It's called undertaking the podcast. At this point in the podcast, guys, we are going to take a moment for mental health. Yes.

And of course, since I'm usually the one that doesn't know what to say. I'm going to kick it. I'm going to kick it to Sarah. What we got today?

All right, guys. So today we're going to talk about a really good topic that actually a lot of people bring up what to say when you don't know what to say. Ding, ding, ding. Yes.

I mean, we've all been in situations where we're with someone and they're talking and they say something, especially people who are bereaved or grieving and they'll say something about their loved one or just something that stops us in our tracks. And we start to say, what am I going to say to this person right now, right? Yeah, we stop listening to the rest of what that person has to say because we're just focused on what we're trying to say next. Yeah, that's right.

And so we're not listening to understand anymore. We're listening to respond. And so that just can bring a little bit of anxiety. So what should we do?

Well, some of these situations, I'm nervous walking in. Like if it's a funeral, I am nervous. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want them to, you know, to be a smooth transition, but I mean, I get tongue tied.

Right. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss. Like that's just automatic in my head to be safe.

But at least in those situations, though, I'm mentally preparing. Right. So I've got something in my mind of what, you know, obviously you have different relationships with the bereaved or those who are bereaving. And I kind of have an idea, but it's those situations where they completely catch me off guard with something that's who got a lot of shock factor.

And that's my next thought is, oh my goodness, what am I going to say next? And instead of just kind of listening. Yeah. And you know, it's a good problem to have to because that means you care and you want to say something that's not going to be harmful to the person.

But I think the most important thing to do is to remind yourself to actively listen, to keep whatever you're going to say simple and to know that it's not necessarily what you say, but it's how you say it through. Remember how you made us feel. That's right. Yeah.

And just, you know, know that a lot of times, too, people don't remember exactly what you said unless it's something absolutely outrageous, which I would hope that we would all not say something absolutely outrageous, but it can happen. Know that it's okay to apologize. Know that it's okay to ask questions about what they've said to you and just know that if you're coming from a place of anxiousness about it, it's because you care and you don't want to cause harm. So it's okay.

I like the questions part because, you know, it's hard to say something outrageous when you're simply asking a question, you know, probing, asking more for them to elaborate. Obviously, it's a shocking. If it's something that's that shocking, it kind of came out of left field. So, you know, to be able to probe and figure out, okay, how do we get from this to left field and the shocking statement?

So that way, you know, you can kind of get back to left field, start figuring out more, but at the same time, you're not saying something so outrageous. You obviously show the empathy. You show that you care, you know, without me doing my usual stick my, eat on my shoe for a little bit. You know, I always say ask an open ended question or when in doubt say, I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

Most of the time, if you, cause we can't imagine and we can't fully understand, but if you say, I can't imagine how hard that must have been or, and then follow it up with an open ended question, a lot of times you're going to get the information you need to support that person. So just show up. Just be there and be present. That's it.

I'm a hugger. I don't need to speak. Yeah. Can I give you a hug?

Okay. I like it. Alright. Alright.

So good advice there. Now if you have a topic that you'd like Sarah to cover, info at the GiftedLife. In every episode of the GiftedLife, we honor a hero. This week, our hero comes from our partners at the Indiana donor network.

We learn more about Ashley from her family. Ashley was a very kind, lovable woman, 33 years old that always had a smile and always wanted to help others when she could. She was an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan and joint family time which included movies and weekend excursions.

Ashley was a single mother for several years, mother to Blakely born December 2006. Ashley met the love of her life, Jess in 2014. They married October 21st, 2017. Ashley found out she was pregnant.

Ashley delivered her daughter a few hours before she passed from complications. Her decision to be at Oregon donor was followed by her family. She would be so proud to know she was able to impact others' lives. Ashley was a hero by giving the gift of life, something her family and friends will always cherish.

And now we pause and say thank you to Ashley for the gift of life. And our question and answer segment today, if I become an Oregon donor, when can my family expect to have my funeral? So of course the organ recovery process in general takes about a day to two days. And if your loved one is an organ and tissue donor, that will follow immediately.

Of course it's a little different if your loved one is a tissue only donor. That happens within the first 24 hours. So the general time frame would be it's about a day to two day delay or so. And the most important thing to remember is that not only do we work in conjunction with our funeral homes, but we will make sure that your family's needs are accommodated no matter what, so that the whole process is as comfortable for you as possible, you and your family.

Alright, good job guys. Now maybe you have a question for us that you'd like us to tackle, give us a call 504-648-3477. And that'll do it for episode 118 of the gift of life. Hopefully we can have our guests back.

Well done. Yeah, great. Thanks to Brian and Ryan for undertaking the podcast for answering our questions and yours. Hopefully we inspired you to become an organ tissue and eye donor.

You can do that anytime at registerme.org. And remember you can always find us at thegiftedlife.org. Yeah, listen to us there or wherever you listen to your podcast, Apple, Google Podcasts, Spotify, and leave us at 5-star rating so others can find us. Woo, I like that.

We need to emphasize it, right? And we certainly appreciate it on social, our Facebook page, the Gifted Life Podcast, Twitter, Instagram, at Gifted Life Pod. We certainly appreciate you following us there. And we do hope that you go out and do something you would normally do to help us make life happen.

We're a team and we'll talk to you next time.