Gay Love in the Age of Dating Slop

We’re drowning in algorithm-optimized relationship slop, social media sob stories about the supposedly toxic gay dating scene, and ragebait on worn-out subjects like monogamy vs. open relationships. It can feel surprisingly hard to find real gay men talking honestly about what it’s actually like to be in a relationship. Even in the history of gay writing and thinking we talk about on this podcast, it’s easier to find depictions of sex, yearning obsession, or doomed love than of two men figuring out what it means to be together.In this episode, we talk about one exception to the rule: A groundbreaking 1978 feature in CHRISTOPHER STREET that interviewed two men, Philip and Neil, about the drama and power dynamics of their relationship. The article included the beautiful—and sexy—photos they took of each other while they were together. We revisit Philip and Neil’s story a half-century later as a springboard for talking about our own relationships and experiences, and cover topics including:How sex is different in a relationship vs. as a single personHow sexual positions and gender expectations shape gay relationship dynamicsWhat’s unique about the male-male coupleHow gay lovers are different than gay friendsWhat you should NOT talk to your boyfriend aboutClick here to subscribe to the Off Christopher Street newsletter.Chapters(00:00) Why love is a perfect topic for Pride(06:50) A groundbreaking look at a gay couple(22:27) Philip and Neil’s images of each other(30:10) Cruising and hookups vs. relationship sex(42:24) How neuroticism and overanalysis kills desire(48:00) What’s unique about the male-male couple(56:44) Boyfriend twins, similarity, and competition(01:04:34) Sexual attraction vs. common interests(01:09:54) How we decided Philip is the villain(01:17:32) Should your partner be your "best friend"?(01:22:44) Sometimes your feelings are boring and stupidSourcesMichael Denneny, Philip Gefter, and Neil Alan Marks, “Anatomy of a Love Affair,” Christopher Street, February 1978.Michael Denneny, Lovers: The Story of Two Men (1979).Michael Denneny, Decent Passions: Real Stories About Love (1984).Adam Mars-Jones, Box Hill (2020) and Waters of Thirst (1994).Renaud Camus and Farid Tali, Incomparable (1999)Jackson Davidow, “Two Lovers,” The Baffler, September 7, 2023.Adelle Waldman, The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. (2010).Pillion, directed by Harry Lighton.Don Jon, directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.Annie Hall, directed by Woody Allen.