[GO! Podcast] 90 - Disappointment, Grief, and Closure

hello hello just like that it's monday again this is susan hyatt and it's go time this is the 90th episode in a series of go podcasts designed to wake you up on your monday morning and get you going all right folks the title of today's episode is disappointment grief and closure and as you probably guessed we're digging into some difficult stuff this week difficult but good because there's always something positive that can come from life's toughest situations and it doesn't always feel like that in the heat of the moment and oh don't i know it but it's true so a couple of weeks ago i was betrayed by someone who i thought was a very close friend and this particular betrayal was especially heartbreaking and shocking and it really burrowed deep inside of me i tried to shake it off and shimmy onward with my life but it was really hard and to be honest i'm still grieving and working through it i won't go into all of the details because the details really aren't the point the point is that sometimes life hurts and we all experience betrayal and disappointment in our lives and it might be a partner who breaks a sacred vow it might be a friend who smiles to your face but who spews vicious rumors behind your back it might be a client who cancels at the last second and refuses to uphold her end of the agreement disappointment comes in many flavors and i wouldn't necessarily call myself a master at dealing with disappointment and grief i've still got plenty to learn trust me but when someone stabs me in the back or breaks my heart in any way shape or form here are some processes that have helped me to move on the first is honesty when someone does something that upsets me first i need some time to vent and this means talking it out with my husband calling my best friend my therapist a coach pouring my feelings into a journal or taking a solitary walk and crying i need to let the feelings out in a raw and honest way and it feels sick to keep my feelings bottled up inside they have got to come out people that's step one the second is ownership after i've done my tantruming my venting journaling crying then i'm ready to take ownership of the situation and taking ownership means asking myself what role if any did i play in creating this unpleasant situation did i ignore my intuition did i overlook an important detail did i say something that wasn't entirely true because i wanted to be liked and accepted or because i wanted to avoid some conflict did i lower my standards did i fail to enforce my personal boundaries of business policies did i make a hasty decision when i was hungry or tired or stressed did i welcome someone into my inner circle a little too quickly taking ownership doesn't mean that i'm taking the blame what it means is that i'm taking an honest look at how the situation happens so that hopefully i can prevent it from happening again the third step is closure we all crave closure but getting closure doesn't necessarily mean sitting down together hugging it out and talking for hours and hours sometimes getting closure is a solo project in fact most of the time it is it's a feeling you can give to yourself by yourself even if the other person is unaware or uninvolved you can create a feeling of closure with someone even if that person is unwilling to communicate with you even if that person is in jail even if that person is deceased again closure is something that you can give to yourself by yourself and it doesn't necessarily require the other person's correct involvement you can create a feeling of closure any way you want some people like to do a little ritual like light a candle pound a drum burn some sage that kind of thing i'm not much of a sage gal personally i like to smash things but recently i learned about a hawaiian mantra for closure that goes ho a pono pono it means i love you i'm sorry please forgive me thank you i love this mantra my friend rachel sent it to me when she knew i was crying grieving about this latest issue and she said i think this might help you and she was right you can say those words i love you i'm sorry please forgive me thank you to feel closure after any type of disappointment it's a beautiful way to shift your perspective forgive everyone involved including yourself and move on with your life so here's how i've applied ho a pono pono to my recent situation i love you i love the inherent goodness that's inside of you even though i don't like how you behaved recently i acknowledge the beauty inside of you the light that's inside every human being i'm sorry i'm sorry for the role that i played in creating this unpleasant situation i take full responsibility for my actions and choices please forgive me please forgive me for anything i've ever done to hurt you if i ever made you feel threatened scared or ashamed i am sorry i try to be highly aware of other people's feelings and i try to be thoughtful with my words and actions but no one is perfect myself included thank you thank you for the role you played in my life thank you for the lessons you brought our relationship does not necessarily need to continue but i'm wiser and a stronger person because i knew you i always wrap up every podcast episode with a challenge for you something to think about something to write about something to try and here's your challenge for the week use the ho a pono pono mantra at least once remember it goes i love you i'm sorry please forgive me thank you at some point this week if you feel betrayed hurt or annoyed with anyone for any reason big or small say to yourself i love you i'm sorry please forgive me thank you just try it out see if those words help you feel a sense of closure with that person or with that situation see if those words help you feel a bit lighter maybe ho a pono pono will change your life or maybe not it's worth a try right it's definitely shifting things for me the beauty of ho a pono pono is that you don't need anyone else to be there you don't need to have a conversation with the person who hurt you you don't need to wait for them to recognize that what they did was wrong you don't need to wait for them to apologize you don't need to wait for anything you can close the chapter by yourself ho a pono pono is a way of creating closure by yourself for yourself and that is incredibly empowering it puts you in back it puts you back in charge of your life instead of feeling like a wounded victim ho a pono pono people ho a pono pono and hakuna matata and hallelujah have a beautiful week be kind to yourself and to others take good care of yourself and remember that you are in charge of your life no matter what's going on around you you get to write the next chapter you run the show you get to decide who gets to be part of your life and who doesn't and you get to decide how you'll respond to challenges what you'll do and what you'll say you are never a helpless victim you are always in charge it's go time