God War #3

Hello and welcome to episode three of the cop war. If this is your first episode of S.H.U., you're going to be very confused. Do not start here. We're just jumping right in with characters that from other shows you're going to be real lost.

So buckle in tight, buddy. We're going to start out in space with shaman Arlu. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

So y'all two were in remnants of a spaceship that blowed up, correct? Yeah. All right. So I'm going to be in space for a while and you enter the orbit of a different planet and you guys are starting to crash land on this planet.

Both of y'all in separate pieces because these pieces kind of folded kind of together in a way and they're starting to enter the orbit of a small planet to aid. Are we awake? You have, yeah, you're awake now. I would like to not crash.

Okay. What are you going to do about it? I don't know. All right.

You don't really have any guidance systems or propulsion or anything. It just seems like you're going to enter the orbit and probably crash. You can try to do something to prevent. I mean, I found out last episode I can fly apparently.

Well, okay. That's probably going to work in the atmosphere, but right outside of the atmosphere when you're inside of this small tin can hurtling towards the planet. Flank's not going to help you. A hole, son?

I mean, magic. So what are you going to do with it? Probably try and hold it together with magic so that I can get into the planet. Okay.

So you're going to try to use your magic to hold the tin can together as you're hurtling towards this planet? Yeah. All right. Roll me a magic.

Whatever you roll from magic. Plus six. All right. You're doing some good ass magic.

You're holding that tin can together as you enter the atmosphere. What are you doing? Well, what's the planet look like? Is it ground?

Is it water? It looks like half of the planet is lush forest and the other half of the planet looks kind of decayed and gross. And it's a really small. It's like a moon size almost.

I'm going to wait in the ship I'm in until we're in the atmosphere and then I want to try and grow to break through the ship. Okay. Like grow your plant stuffs? Yes.

Give me a plant stuffs roll. Whatever you roll, the roll plant stuffs. That is a plus three. All right.

So you're doing all right. Growing out your plant stuff. Are you basically trying to soften the blow of the ship crashing? Yes.

You're able to soften it well enough and you both come crashing down. Into a forested part of this planet and you're relatively close together. So you do see each other as you come crashing down. So, do you see anyone else coming down with us?

Nope. I did not. I think they're dead. That would be hard for treasure.

Yeah. Here's the thing. If we see the cat again, we should probably just shoot them. She'll wish like a shooter.

I like that. All right. As you guys are talking, roll me some notice. Plus six.

Plus two. Arlu getting all the hot sixes. You notice that you're currently in kind of a lush forest area, but pretty close by. There is something destroying the trees and the lush plants and it's moving in your direction.

As could I tell if there's like anything sentient alive on this planet? Do you have the ability to detect sentience? Kind of. If it's magic, I can see it.

Okay. There is some not exactly magic, but akin to magic stuff happening in that direction. Kind of want to go over there, but I also just crashed into a spaceship. You feel fine.

See. Well, it seems better not to tip fate sometimes, you know. Survive one harrowing experience. Let's just call it a day.

How's it going to go towards it fly up or something? We're getting a better vantage point. Arlu is taking off. Sean, what are you doing?

Arlu, did you see something? There's a big monster or something tearing up trees and stuff. Okay. We go away from it.

I know I was going to go find it out. I mean, the last big monster that we saw was friendly. And the one before I found before that was genocidal. So I might get 50%.

Sounds like a dice roll. So what's your decision, Sean? I'm going to let him, but I'm not working it. So Arlu had in that direction.

As you pass over the canopy, you notice that a good portion of this planet is kind of decayed and gross. And you notice these large ghost-like monsters ravaging these trees and as they are, the trees are decaying and dying. Yeah, we should probably turn it. Turn, heal and run.

I don't deal with ghosts. Those are bad. Alright, so are you going back to Sean? Yeah.

I'm going to recommend we go the other direction now. Alright. We are going to cut down. Cut down.

Cut back. Cut over. Cut over to Dr. Duda.

Yes. You just entered a hotel room where you were told you were going to meet some other heralds. Yes. And I'm livestreaming.

Oh, yeah, you're livestreaming. In this hotel room is a couple of people you recognize, one night, the villain nightshade, a plant lady, Darkwater, who used to be a villain way back in the day but really hasn't been around very much. But was really shitty to me when she came to my house. She was shitty to you when she came to your house, yes.

There's also a large bug man and a young girl. A large bug man and a young girl? Okay. The large bug man and the young girl, you do not recognize.

But they are there. Frank, Dr. Duda comes into a hotel room that you are in. Okay.

I'm going to be talking to myself a whole time, by the way, just like, and this is where the Pantheon is gathering. It seems like these are all the members of it. Hey. Hey, bug guy.

We are Arthur O'Bod. Oh, you kind of look like... He extends a small vestigial hand from his thorax or his hand to hand to her thorax at you. Fucking cool.

Can I touch it? Yeah, we're trying to be friendly and, you know, just figured you'd want to shake hands. You know, just as we're working together here. Oh, I have no idea who you are, but there's no proof that you're a weird murderer or like everybody else.

I'll happily shake your hand. I just think you're also a very cool insect person. It's actually neat. Oh, yeah.

Well, so it's long story short. We're the combination of a horrible giant scorpion monster and a small Canadian boy. Mm. Kind of.

We're already the same person, but now we've kind of formed into one. Quite a predicament. Well, if you ever need to see a doctor, let me know. I specialize in weird physiatologies and yours is fucking weird.

But not a bad way. Really cool. Really neat. So, so who are you representing?

Oh, I have no idea. I have been blackmailed by some ancient Aztec god of disease to show up at a hotel and watch a bunch of murderers eat sandwiches. Cool, cool. So we're not murderers.

We're, I guess we're heroes. Mm. Heroes? We like, we don't know about these other people.

I'm going to point out in the room. Well, Darkwater has been a horribly destructive and court star and layfist. You have a long time ago. I've been pretty good lately.

Dude. Really? Yeah. Okay.

Are you wearing a swimsuit? I'm saying that maybe you shouldn't throw fucking stones at me. We aren't wearing any clothes right now. We're just covered in this exterior.

We're going, oh, natural. Yeah, this dude's flying free. He tries to high five Frank. He extends one of his longer claw-like arms for high five.

Get a little high five. Yeah. Darkwater says, well, we have, we have work to do anyway. So should we get on that?

You should tell us what the work is before we agree to do it. Well, apparently we need to go clean up Victoria Falls because being polluted by some supernatural being. Is that something you can agree to? I can't go to that.

Although I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Well, I mean, that doesn't sound like the worst idea. Okay.

Frank, can you mind if I hang out with you? Arthur Pod? Okay, I don't know what we have to do, but you at least seem to have your head screwed on. Oh, it doesn't unscrew.

Hm. We haven't tried yet. Lately we said this is pretty new. Frank, I'm just telling you that you sound like your sound to mind in heart.

I don't mind in heart. Is that better? Oh, thanks. That's the nice thing that was told us since we worked at Tim Thorton's.

Tom Thorton's. Just have reason for people that solve Frank. Darkwater, we'll do it. We want to do it.

It's not going to be much of a choice. Now you should make a plant boat and then dark water makes a waterway for everybody to get in and go to, what is it, Zimbabwe, or Victoria Falls? Wait, while we're in a hotel room? Yeah, OK.

All right. They're destructive. Yeah, so there's a plant boat with all y'all in it. And then there's like a big waterway that dark water is creating for you to quickly go to Victoria Falls, which I believe is in Zimbabwe.

So you have a plant boat made out of your own dead skin, and I have a fucking hovercraft. Why are we in your boat? What's going on? Arthur Podmunch is on the plant boat a little bit.

Just to try it. It's pretty good. It's a good plant boat. Good for delicious plant boat.

Yeah, so you're going by that unless you really object and really want to go by hovercraft. No, no, I'm just complaining and being shitty. OK. All right, so you guys are headed to Zimbabwe.

We're going to cut over to post wedding. There was a beautiful wedding. The reception is over. It's going to be beautiful.

The rocket ship has taken off and left into the sky. Most people are dispersing updraft and free. You have been approached by a very angry April that AK-47, and he's telling you to fall in line. But where are we going exactly?

I think you were given the instructions. Oh, you mean that weird planet thing that we're supposed to go do to find some people and kill some things? I believe so, yes. Well, all you have to do is say that.

Let's go. How are we going to get there? I mean, you have rockets and shit, don't you? I'm just an April the gun.

Oh, well, how did you get here? First I had some Navy seals in a boat, and we got to the shore, and then I took a Humvee. Well, if you have military connections, you can definitely get us a rocket. I don't have military connections anymore.

I used to have military connections. This morning, you used to have military connections this morning, and now you don't? Well, my crew and A wall, we're all off the grid. Oh.

Huh? We stole the stuff that we have, so we don't really have rockets. My god is not exactly a communicative. Do you have a guy that can help you?

You can contact that. No. No, no, she doesn't really answer my questions or listen to me. Free says, god damn it.

Do I have to call mine again? Are you still drunk enough to call him? Are there any shots that I could do a couple of shots, I guess? I mean, it was an open bar, so we can just go raid what was left of it.

Yeah, we destroyed this house, by the way. This party was out of control. As parties are supposed to be, right? OK, fine.

All right, so Free does a couple of shots in some of Zion Isis. She's pretty three sheets to the wind. She's goofy drunk. But Zion Isis shows up and he's like, hey, everybody, what is that?

What's going on? Hey, die. Good to see you. It seems like you always ask me what you need help.

What's going on? Well, isn't that kind of the point of being friends with a god? I suppose so. I guess.

What is it you need? Well, you know that mission that you wanted to send us on to that planet to kill some things? And yeah, we need help getting there? Oh, you need me to tell OK, well, I got a little power left.

I could teleport you out there. Is that a monkey? All right, I can tell. I can tell I can teleport you all.

I can tell part you all there, but that's about the last of the power I have currently. I mean, we can probably figure out a way to get back. OK, sounds good. Bye.

In a flash of light, you guys are vanished away. Shahman Arlu, you are retreating away from the big weird ghost bug monsters. And in front of you appears three individuals, updraft, free, and USA. They appear in front of you.

I run into them. You do, comedically. And then I fall down. You run into the chest of USA if you like.

Get it together. Who are you and where did you come from? Well, USA, God bless. We came from Earth.

That's right. Yeah, Earth. As in with humans. No, I'm not a human.

Humans live. Not live that. I think I have the only human here, says the woman in red to me index. Haptor after Pat's head and goes, OK, just shh.

Can I try and get rid of her drunkenness? Because I cured Quiver's hangover now with time. Yeah, sure. But you do notice that she is quite an hybrid.

And if you have an ability to get rid of drunkenness, go for it. I'm just OK, roll magic. Oh, man. That's only a plus one.

No, you made her from like five drink free and a four drink free, but she's still she's still drink. OK, that's a success in my book. You got about like, you know, half a shot of her move out of her. But that's about it.

Wait, shots of straight for move? Yeah, it's terrible. I thought he was a crazy party. That's all that was left was the vermouth.

Yeah, it was an open bar. That's all that's left. Straight remove. I'm not getting alcohol guys.

I'm only good with drugs. So my name's updraft. Hi, hi, I'm I'm Sean previously of the necklace nights. Oh, who the fuck are they?

Yeah, I'm going to ask that thing question. It doesn't matter. You're conscripted in my army now. We're here to save this planet.

OK, but it's not your army. So do you have a way back to up? Funny story. That's an up-tax.

We kind of use the last of Dionysus's hour to get here, because he wanted us here to kill some things. And I guess rescue you two. OK, who is Dionysus? Oh my god.

Where are we going to go through back stories all the time? We're going to save this planet. Wow. Save this planet from what?

I don't see anything and she's going to turn around and go. Oh, yeah. There are ghosts in bug ghosts over there. Well, it's lock and load.

Those are cute. Not. The hell are they? They appear to be big ghost space beasts.

OK. Guess I'll fly towards them then. All right, roll me a notice. Ooh.

Be rolling hat this morning. Plus three. You notice way off in the distance, there is a small humanoid figure. It looks like they are commanding these beasts.

Oh, that's easier to deal with. And I will alter my course and gesture toward the people behind me to follow me. All right, US Ape and Free follow. Shaman, Arlu, do you follow as well?

I love that, yeah. All right, so you make your way past the demarcation line where these beasts are destroying these trees. And you also, once you pass this line, notice the small humanoid figure in the distance. As you get closer, you notice it probably like a 17, 18-year-old.

I don't know. I forget Redhead girl with deep black eyes and a ghostly aura around her. Do we know who this person is? I don't know if anyone's ever met her.

What? Oh, yeah, Ape is like, yeah, you're right. Ape is like, that's enough. It's enough.

What are you doing? And then it's enough, reacts poorly. And apparently possessed by a ghost planet. So shoots out a blast of ghost energy at everybody and everyone needs to defend against a five.

That hurt at me. I took three damages. Oh, no. I took four.

I rolled poorly. I got plus two. Since this is like ghost energy, could I take it as mental damage rather than physical? Yes.

Thank you for asking. You were mentally distressed by the ghosts. I'm spooked. We're going to go updraft first.

I'm going to return fire with some pressurized air. All right, go for it. That is a plus four. You roll plus four and you knock them back a little bit with your pressurized air.

Arlu, it is your turn. I would like to try and drag in Popblast over something. All right, you're going to roll to Kameha. Yes.

OK. Roll a shoot or magic or whatever you roll to shoot at something. To Kameha, but plus two. OK.

You Kameha, but they are able to sidestep your Kameha beam. Shham. And the plant like I've had will get right. I wouldn't be able to do anything to bring it back.

There's like a small line of dead plant life, but on the other side of it is thick forest. So you could theoretically push past the line of beasts that are rotting everything with the forest that's behind that. Yeah, could I do that to try and get some vines or something to ensnare? Was it snuff?

A name? Yes. Yeah, go for it. Roll me the dice.

Six. All right, cool. You're able to wrap up snuff and some vines. Free is drunk.

She turns into gas. She's just. OK. US ape tries to plead with snuff, saying, we have history.

Kid, you're on my side. And then snuff doesn't listen. We're going to cut back to the other crew of Frank and Dr. Dudad riding with these bad boys.

You guys make it to Zimbabwe to the Victoria Falls, this very beautiful, large waterfall. And it looks like there's black sludge running through it. This shit sucks. Who is doing this dark water?

That's what we're here to find out, I think. OK. So are we on a reconmission? Or a beat him up mission?

Not mutually exclusive. OK. I did beat it up. Look, we didn't really get read into the whole, like, what are we doing thing?

So what are we all doing? We're cleaning up Victoria Falls, so it opens up a gateway. Oh, oh, OK. Why don't you let me take the bug and then we can fill him in?

I know good in a fight anyway. You can call us Arthur Podd. It's OK. OK.

Arthur Podd. So they touched down. It's like, we need to find the source. Look for the source.

OK. Roll me some looking for the source buttons. That is a zero on the investigate. Oh, boy.

Dr. Dudad, are you going to try to look for the source? Yes. Can I make a roll to pull a small Frisbee out of myself?

Throw it in the air and have it turn into a drone so I can get an overhead view? Yeah. You can do that. Go for it.

OK. What do you mean, a roller? Resources. Resources.

Resources. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We're going to be a resources. Three. Yeah. You got a drone.

You got a Buzzy Frisbee drone. OK. You throw it like a disc golfer and it goes, whoa. It starts getting overhead view.

And hit someone's car. Yeah. He's got a car in the parking lot. He's like, hey.

He got to go. Is that right? So Victoria falls in the car. Your drone is getting an overhead view, so you're just going to open it out.

I'm going to try to chase the sludge up the river. OK. You chase the sludge up the river and you see a man with tentacles coming out of his back and he's like, his tentacles are made out of like gross black sludge. And he's like jamming him in the river and fucking up the environment around there.

Is this a character we recognize? You recognize him as a massacre. Yes. But you do know that he was taken over by an evil guy at one point.

I guess I'll look back to the crew and go, does anyone know massacre? Anyone? No. Kind of?

Kind of. OK. Violin mercenary probably got a good couple of hundred Ks under his belt. He's up there just plunging his tentacles into the water and filling it with sludge.

I think there might be god shit related. This is going to be a knockdown drag out fight, even if he's not empowered by a god. They say let's do it. A nightshade dark water go charging forward.

OK. OK. I guess we're doing this. Can I put my hand on Arthur Podge shoulder while they do that?

Sure. Let's go. Frank, hold back a minute. OK.

OK. And I'm going to wait until they're at your shop. OK. Dark water and nightshade engage massacre.

And they start fighting. I'm going to look at Arthur Podge and say, Arthur Podge, do you even know why you're here? Well, we made a deal with the Elizabeth. And he told us that we were his herald.

And we opened a gateway for him. And then a friend bug lady, while I guess she's an animal lady, came and put me in a limo and took me to a hotel. So it sounds like you haven't really been filled in on the whole godwor thing, yeah? Well, we live with some god-daughter.

Well, look, I don't know how to break this to you, Arthur Podge. But I feel like the people we're working with are some very, very bad people. And if we do everything they tell us to do, their goal is to exterminate a large percentage of the human beings on this planet. Wait, but are our gods also on the same team?

Yeah, my god threatened to unleash an uncurable virus on a major metropolitan city if I didn't do what he asked. Well, our god is helping us keep a huge underground population of bug monsters from coming through and destroying the human race too. So it's kind of, you know, if we do, if we do, if we don't. Right, I guess maybe just throw this out here.

Maybe we can find a way to stop both of those things from happening. But if we don't do this now, won't the Victoria Falls get all messed up from all the Nazi-sledged stuff? I think it's pretty messed up already. And also, I don't trust that Darkwater and Nightshade is going to leave that pristine river in any sort of condition after they're done fighting.

I'm not saying we shouldn't fight, but I am saying that maybe we shouldn't be listening and addressing these people. Well, we forgot if we asked it. Won't we get smote if we don't do this? Don't go do smoking.

A managerie who also stayed behind says, Alex, we forgot that managerie was there. I didn't yell, dude. She says, yeah, I think God's smite. My dude said a lot of times it smite me and I ain't smoted.

OK. Let's go up there and stop massacre. But Arthur putt after we're done, please. I want you to come to my lab.

I think you can help. Can we say one more thing about smoke? Gotta get busy smiting or get busy smoking. I don't know if that makes a lot of sense, Frank.

I got it. It's good. It's good. OK.

He's got his own slang. He comes from the subterranean bug calling. Oh, we're from Canada. It's a very rude way to describe Canada, Frank.

OK, so do you guys eventually start heading that way? Sure. Although not me. I'm not getting close at all.

OK. I've like sit on the shore and observe and take a shot second. As you start approaching, you notice that while you're talking, they were fighting. And Nightshade's body, her head twisted all the way around, is floating in the water and dark water.

A hard time keeping Mascara off by herself. Arthur O'Pott would like to just shoot a bunch of bugs out of its mouth and try and cover Mascara's face. All right, roll me bug. OK.

That was a 4-2 bug. You cover him in some bugs and his bother in his face. It's given a plus to somebody. Mascara's going to go.

His tentacles stretch out in this black horrible goopy gaga and tries to strike everybody except for doodad. He's a little too far away. Everybody roll. Well, it's just Frank at this point.

Frank will roll a defense against a 5. I got a 4. So you take one from Sludgeview. Oh, no, I don't.

I take no damage because I have physical damage. Yeah. Ah, I have sort of it. OK.

All right. Monejory is on her turn. Dark water, sprained water. Dr.

Dade, what do you do? I'm going to load up a syringe, spend a fake point, and try to infect Mascara with a high level virus. OK. And that's just a shoot roll?

Sure. Yeah. That's a 5. OK.

Doesn't even seem to dodge it. He gets injected with the virus. OK. The way the thing works in case you forgot is every turn, he creates a plus 1 advantage for a team until he beats me in a low roll.

Gotcha. All right. Monejory turns into a large bird and starts attacking him as a bird. And then Frank gets your turn.

Frank's going to get in close, and I'd like to use that advantage. And I'm going to try and use my pincers to two pincs. All right. Roll that.

Roll that pincs. And this is a 4 or 2 pincs. All right. You pinced him good.

Cool. All right. Cool. All right.

We're going to cut back over to Off Planet on the jungle planet. Who had just gone? I think it was Sean was tying up with ropes, right? Or vines?

Yes. Free turned into guests, and USA tried to talk snuff down. Snuff's turn. Snuff releases a bunch of ghost crocodiles on everybody.

Out of her mouth. Her mouth kind of on hinges like a snake and opens up. And a bunch of ghost crocodiles pour out of her mouth and attack everybody. I hate this a lot.

She got a six. You got everybody. I take one Dimaj. Updraft also hates this a lot.

You don't like ghost crocodiles? I don't like ghosts. That's what I took. So USA did not defend very well and he gets knocked down.

Oh, no. Updraft, it's your turn. I would like to do we get an advantage for him, for her being corralled by vines? Yeah, there's a standing plus two because she's wrapped up.

Sweet. OK. So I'm going to use that. I'm going to use a fake point to activate my tornado fist.

I'm going to fly in and punch her in her horribly gaping mouth. OK. Go punch her in the gape. Oh, I'm going to use fake point to be rolled out.

That was very bad. That was not much better. Thanks. You have one more fake point.

You can. No. So plus four with a roll plus two with the advantage is a plus six. OK.

That's a pretty big hit. She's not rolled well. So you tornado fister out of the vines. She goes like flying back into some broken dirty bramble.

Our loot is your turn. So I could hear the USA, Abe or whatever, talking about how he knew this person, right? Yes. Can I look into the astral plane and try and see if there's something infecting this person and then see if I can't remove it from the person?

OK. So you're trying to do astral plane stuff? Yeah. All right.

Roll me a will to do some astral plane stuff. Hey, what's this? All right. So you your eyes roll back and your head and you jump into the astral plane.

And you notice that the body is indeed being taken over by an enormous ghost planet of like immeasurable power. But also you see this child's spirit and she keeps going. Yes. Yes.

More friends. She seems to be really embracing it. OK. I could use a stunt and then actually attack to from an in the astral plane.

OK. So you can attack from the astral realm? Yeah. All right.

Give that a shot. I was supposed to again then. You're just who are you attacking? Are you attacking the planet?

Like the big weird ghost planet that's inside of this child or the actual child themselves? See what getting rid of the planet does. Maybe they'll be less crazy if I get rid of the planet. All right.

So you're attacking the planet. See the astral attack coming. But you do notice like after you attack it that this thing is incredibly powerful. It is a god of sorts.

So you just you just poked a poke to be kind of. Great. Shama is your turn. OK.

These ghost rock dogs they still around are they kind of tangible. They're relatively tangible. Yeah. They're like, yeah, you can you can touch them.

So can I use one to hit her with? You're going to try to hit her with her own ghost crocodile? Yes. OK.

Yeah. Go for it. That is a plus three. All right.

So you can touch but you do hit her with a ghost crocodile just because that would be a really cool comment panel like this. Oh, yeah. A plant man swinging a girl's crocodile by the tail to hit a girl in the face. Free tries to guess the girl with corrosive gas and gets sucked into snuff's lungs.

The US ape is like, I guess you're beyond saving and then opens up a clip onto the young girl and shoots her bunch with a clip of AK-47 bullets. Damn. Back up to updraft. Did I see free getting sucked into her lungs?

Yes. I would like to punch her. Well, I'm going to punch her, but I'm going to punch her specifically in her diaphragm so that she may be exhales free. OK.

Out. Why am I rolling so bad? Do we have any advantages on the table? Not currently.

OK. That would be a plus three then. Sorry. Plus four.

You punch her in the solar plexus or whatever and she spits out what looks like freeze body but it's kind of translucent blue. It's now a ghost. Yeah. Our loot is your turn.

Let's see a stab. All right. Roll for stab. Oh, heavy fight right?

That'd be plus one. You miss your stab. Shama, is your turn. I think I'm going to go for this.

It was straight again with vines. All right. Go for it. That is a plus five.

Ooh. Yeah. You strap her up with vines again. Now, ghost free.

Now that she's a ghost, she turns into ghost gas and attacks updraft. Why? She's a ghost. She's under control now.

She flies into your face. She's a horrible corrosive ghost gas and she got a five on you. Ouchy. Mama.

That hurt me a lot. So that is a... She did a five, you said? She hated me for five.

Jesus. How many boxes do you have left? I've got all my physical boxes. I'm taking my six consequence now.

Actually... Yeah, I'm going to take my six consequence. Okay. So you're still pretty good still standing.