Good Genes, Whitney Cummings

Okay. You're one of the only people that I've never, like I feel like- Are we not rolling? Yeah, we are rolling. No, we're not.

I press record. We're rolling for the podcast, but the chat's still waiting. All right. That's your problem.

This is going on the podcast. This is going on the podcast. You have an intro song. Yeah, I know, but I haven't told her yet.

It's a smoke machine. You're okay with a smoke machine. Sure. I can not do it.

I don't want the baby to come out too big. So let's start it up. And this lasers. Great.

All right. And I'm gonna sing. Can't wait. I don't believe you.

You're not interested, but you wait, you'll see. All right. Power it up. Three, two.

Welcome to the show Whitney Cummings. Do you have a name for your baby? I don't yet. Well, then welcome to the show Whitney Cummings and this almost alive guy.

Do you have any pictures for me? The Cummings is a tough pairing. Right. Like load.

Cummings. I'm dead serious. My number one name is Maximus. Maximus Cummings.

Can't do it. Nah, you can't. Child abuse. Yeah.

Kind of narrows the career options. He would make him tough though. He'd be tougher. He'd be a comedian.

He'd be a comedian. He would have heard it. He would have heard it. He's like miles.

I love the name miles. Miles coming. Oh, yes. That's terrible.

Miles of come. You keep forgetting who you are. I know. I'm sort of disassociated and found a way to forget that my life.

Every time I see my last name, I'm like, Oh, God. Like I just support person. I have been an animal. I do have an animal name.

What is it? I can't. I'm not telling. I'm not going to rip it off.

I don't want another one. I know. I feel weird. I feel like I'm getting a lot of feedback.

I have my sons names. Tiger. Everyone can suck my ass. I love tiger.

I love a tiger. I have a tiger. I feel like you're in a grumpy mood in my heart. I'm not in a grumpy mood.

I'm fine. I've done a lot of... I was not convincing, was it? Yeah.

I've done a lot of shows today, and I'm also... I'm stopping doing stuff that I did. What kind of stuff? Just trying to relax myself stuff.

Okay, got it. I'm not doing stuff anymore. Yeah, the girls. Yeah, a little edgy, probably.

I got it. But I'm on a mission, so this is great. Come on. How many days are we off the stuff?

None. None? I'm just in half. We're not even half, maybe way less than half.

But whatever. I'd be three times deep than what I am right now. Okay. So what the problem is that you're almost over.

Yeah. That's the big problem today. You have to make it sound so bad. If you want to do it, guys, don't listen to these people.

Just do it. Oh, you're really halfway home. Yeah, I'm halfway through. I'm not even sober.

I'm already... Yeah, I don't like it. My problem today is I'm thinking clearly. It's freaking me out, Wendy.

I know, it's a nightmare. I don't recommend it. I know, right? I'm like, what have I got into?

Yeah, I stopped smoking weed in January. They got before getting pregnant. Wait, you stopped before you got pregnant. I stopped.

Yeah. There was no overlap whatsoever. At all, judge. Let's just see.

Make sure I keep custody of this little guy. But yeah, I got to say, I miss it a lot. Yeah. I miss it a lot.

Yeah, I'm going to... I was going to do the mushrooms. The microdose and the mushrooms. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I did a little bit more than microdosing. I can't really do a little bit of anything. Yeah.

That's kind of like been my... One too many. I get older and wiser and I can stop it to the point where I can get away with it. Yep.

And getting away with it is... You know, like I did a 540 other day. I was on both. What's it?

I did get my age and do. Well. And I did it. Because you don't feel any pain.

You do. Because you hit the ground. Oh yeah, I wonder if that helps. Because I did hit the ground several times.

No one does it on great. Yeah. Honestly, to be honest, I did not think that it helped. I think it made it way harder because I remember thinking, I can't see is good.

But you're going to make it anyway. And I'm like, if you can do that, that's the thing. I do stuff. And I go, why do I need to stop using it?

I can do... There's nobody my age that's done that ever. So I'm on fire. I'm not like a mediocre.

I'm on fire. I don't mean to split hairs. I think that part of the having your inhibitions being numbed helps with the confidence of thinking you can do it. No.

Also, no. No, because when I clear my head, that's all that's left is that confident person. The more I take this other stuff, the more I doubt myself. Okay.

So you did that really hard trick in spite of doubting yourself even more. Yeah. All right. So...

Yeah, I was definitely saying you're never going to make it. That's why when I made it, I cried because I didn't think it was ever going to happen again. Well, but so... And I was real sad about it.

But the smoking weed in the cradle was actually an obstacle to making it. Hell yeah. So what was the trick? I was like 40.

So could you have done a backside, 840 of yours over? No, but I think that I could probably do backside 540s all the time if I was sober. Oh, got it. Instead of one time ever in my life.

I could probably start doing them at demos and I'd probably feel pretty cool about that. Oh, cool. And that makes me think if you could do that a little bit better, you could do everything a little bit better. But like I said, I get away with it.

I like to get real high before I go on stage because I just blank out and I don't know what I'm going to say. And so far that works. But if I had to record all of them, no, they didn't all work. Sometimes I went up and went, I'm high and I made a joke about how dumb I am.

And people were like, I guess I'll laugh at that. Like I don't think it was like a brilliant joke. It was more like, you ever just be dumb for a living? I don't know.

You're probably in the moment. And a lot of being on stage is about being in the moment. Like a comic who's in the moment, who's like jokes are fine, is going to do better. Your cat's also a midget and a digital being bald.

I just noticed that. He's a killer combo. He's a bandino. I'm a hairless bandino.

That is so wild. It's probably in the great. Someone who's maybe material isn't like written very well, who's in the moment, is going to be more entertaining to watch than someone who's great writing, who's like not in the moment. I think that's all I'm running on.

I'm going to try it. At least try it. If it turns out to be 10 times worse and boy do I regret that, then whatever. It's not going to ruin anything I would assume.

All right. Well, you seem like in a good place. I just let that sit there for a second. I think it's a general rule of thumb.

I've been around long enough to know if you start asking yourself, because I know we all have our days where you can still pull it off. If you ask yourself too many times, should I see a therapist? That in and of itself is probably proof. Yeah, you probably should see a therapist.

Yeah. If you say to yourself enough times and we've all been there, maybe I should cut back on this. Yeah. There's your answer.

I know that I know what you're saying if I can get away with it. What we do for a living, you can only get away with it and get rewarded for it. During the pandemic, I was doing out of holes and smoking weed and people were like, look, she's so crazy. She has her hair.

It's like I was getting so much positive feedback for being kind of a mess and being kind of all over the place. It was really hard to quit too. I'm so much more boring now. I will say the surprise for me because I posted something about it today is there's a lot of of people that are no one's not one person's.

They said, just like, we're going to put it. Everyone was like, good for you. I got a lot of support from it. Like a lot more than I thought I would.

I wasn't doing it for support. I was ratting myself out so that I stick to my guns on it. California weed is also a different animal. It's not a game.

Yeah, because I feel like it's way different to stop now. When you used to stop, it was like, man, when you stop now, you're like, man, I feel like I'm at different temperature. I'm not right. I'm not hungry.

I'm not right. I've got to go through a bunch of crap for this to get on the other side and be like, okay, now I'm not in hell and I'm not high. Now go do stuff. But for a couple of weeks, it's just going to be like, eh, eh.

And you know what else? There's kind of this thing you can't do when you're not smoking a lot of weed where if something doesn't go well, you can't be like, I was high. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

There's a little bit of that. Like if a podcast didn't go well, you could have it has a little bit of an out if they get your perfectionist or your self-esteem takes a hit. If you don't do well, it's something like if you hadn't landed that trick, you'd be like, well, I was high. Yeah.

Yeah. I've done that in my career back when I was pro. If I didn't win, I'd be like, whatever, I was the highest person in the contest. I placed the highest out of all the high people for sure.

If you add up anyone who was high in the contest, I won. Hey, Telly, I need to stop this show for an important announcement. I have a phone case in charge of from No Mad Goods. We're happy to have them sponsoring the show because we both use No Mad Goods.

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Yeah, I got sleeping pills. Okay, which one do you take? Gabapentin and Trasadone together. Trasadone, I have really intense dreams on Trasadone.

I don't get anything. Really? Yeah, the only time I get anything is when it wears off it before I wake up, I have a nightmare about something that the last thing I want to know about and I just see that over and over again. Okay.

They'll wake up ready to go. Tippity-tippity. We're gonna go all the way, Jason. I love you.

You guys especially just came out. I love you too. I love you very much. I don't want to make jokes about this because I...

I mean that in a very light way. Pregnant slut I feel like would have been a little better. My bad. Pregnant slut.

It feels weird. Slut is... I'm getting harsh when I call somebody slut. A bitch is like casual, which is super gnaw.

I know. I miss slut. Like you dumb slut. Like I miss that.

Like really... There's a couple of insults we need to bring back horror I really miss. Oh, greed. Nobody's called horror anymore?

Not really. I don't care a lot do you? Oh, gay guys call themselves horror. Oh, that's true.

That's true. That's true. Pretty spot on too. I think there's a couple insults we need to kind of bring more on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's like an old school. My dad used to call me a moron all the time. I'm very lucky my dad was Jason actually.

I was very... I was like, moron or Jason. Give him a shot, you know? Like idiots good.

Yeah, yeah, that one too. Like you. Evan idiot was one of my dad's favorites. Someone calls you an idiot.

You're just like, that must be true. Here's one. My dad is imbecile. Imbecile is good.

You say imbecile. It's... It's twisted a whole. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I miss that. It's more than so.

You know what I'm saying? Like there's a couple other good ones like dolt. Kim Jong Un called Trump. What's this?

No, no, no, no. Doltard. Doltard. Which was just like, I don't even know if that you just made that up.

It makes sense. You just put it in his place. It's like, dolt meets retard. Oh my god.

Doltard. Yeah, like he didn't make up a new word. I was hanging out with this girl for a little bit. She's real cool and she was calling people Sibs.

And she was younger. Like 29. Sibs. Yeah, and that's like a dude that like does stuff for you, but he's not gonna get a Sib.

Simp. Simp. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And Simp is like somebody who's a fan for somebody to the point of making themselves pathetic. You guys are so old.

I think I think this group was talking about it and I asked what it was and they were all like, it's you, but they didn't want to say that. Oh no. It's like a guy, because I was hanging out with this chick that was like kind of, I guess maybe I was like, yeah, but you know, she was hanging out with you. She's not out of your league.

Whatever. I was like, wait, I think that was directed at me. Simp is also like someone that would like, like, I don't know, like get taken advantage of by a girl. Simp.

Simp. Right. So I was right. Yeah.

Like, if you were to get, like willingly get taken advantage of by a girl. That's what they were saying. Yeah. Okay.

Right. Like, okay. I like, um, try hard. I kind of like, try hard.

Someone with pick me energy. That's a rough slam. Hey, you're old school. When someone's like, she's got pick me energy.

You're like, oh, that's brutal. Pick me. Pick me. What's pick me.

Like, like desperate energy. Yeah. Like she's got pick me energy. You're like, oh, that's hot.

Like if someone said I had pick me energy, I'd be so bummed. I was like, oh, that's cool for me. I just always got pointed out for being lame. I don't know how.

Do you think really? Yeah, because I'm back on it. I was like, I was fucking cool. What are you talking about?

But I think of you as a very cool person. Does he have dysmorphia, like personality dysmorphia? Big time. But he may not be lying about this.

I think he was very, very out of place in like a mainstream suburban school environment. Yeah. Like an 11 year old. Your life was already way off.

Yeah. You were like an emancipated child that somehow they hadn't led out of school yet. Right. So I do see that.

Yeah, because it made more sense to be in out of school. Straight away. Seriously. Shut up.

Whitney, come here. Sorry. I feel like I distracted. You were going to ask about this special, which was nice.

Yeah. Because you got to watch it. You're pretty funny. It's hard for me to see you as funny though because you're so hot.

I just keep looking at your eyes and stuff. Every time I see the comedy star, I'm like, wait, man, I didn't even hear what she said. First of all, you were the only person I allowed to come backstage at my taping. Besides Kevin Christie, who opened for me.

So you were there. I shot it. Yeah. I saw it.

It's weird. I've never identified as someone that has a big ass or a good ass, but it got good. Oh, wow. You got a machine.

You did it. Yeah. I got this machine. It's called the booty sprout.

And you do these thrusts. Are you standing up or sitting down? You're lying down. And then it's a bunchy cord that you put over your hips.

Yeah. And then you also do these bands. Like you open and close. Yeah.

So I've really started working on it. So you band your legs and your hips and you especially by off the ground. And that buck string. Yeah.

I was going to say that's my hip workout. I get a lot of that. But thank you. But I burn in the hips.

No one has the audacity to sexually grasp me anymore. I appreciate it when you do it. At least I can do what you do. I mean, I feel like sometimes you just think you're a pregnant slut, but you're more than that.

Okay. Thank you with a pregnant slob of the great ass. I like that relationship, I like it. It's kind of wild.

Okay. I feel like we became friends very fast. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't believe you. Yeah. Because it was fast. Yeah.

I felt like as soon as we met, I was like, oh, we'll take one comic to meet. Sometimes you're like instantly old friends. Yeah. It's how I felt with you.

Yeah. I feel like, because you said something nice when I did a show with you once and when I was driving on the freeway by myself and I read it and it was probably, it was the most meaningful thing that's happened to me in comedy because I'm like, wait. And I read it and then I was like, that's, and it says your name on my phone. I'm like, she said that dude, even if it's, because I don't trust anybody, if it's half true, it's pretty freaking good.

Like get excited about yourself, kind of believing yourself a little more. Because I think maybe I was, I still, like even the other day, someone said, what do you have to do? You know, I always say pro skateboarder, pro fighter and she goes, you don't want to say you're a professional comedian? I was like, I'm not saying because you're going on stage.

Yeah. But I just, when she said it, I was like, it doesn't feel right. And she was like, what is your problem? I'm like, I don't have a problem.

That's for you. Right. What? What if I change it to say that?

That goes without saying. She was a nice person. She was trying to be nice, I think. Okay.

But it just made it remind me of my attitude towards it. I just think, um, because I see all the other guys and girls that do it all the time. And I'm like, that's what that is. You know, when you get there, then you can say it, like when you're a Sam Triple Ease of the world where you're just, you know, I see him on the Instagram, he's everywhere all the time.

He has like 12 podcasts. That bit, I'm not that much of a fan of. I respect him for doing that, but I have no wish to have 12. That's what it tastes for him to just wrangle his name.

I saw it at the airport the other day and he reeled off like three of them that he was going to drop. And I was like, why do you want to drop those so that I can, so that I can concentrate on the other 15. I was like, yeah, it's same. I love Sam so much.

He's also been a big, uh, like a, someone that's given me confidence by saying that I've got something from, from Vario, he was trying to push me into it. But don't listen to us. Listen to the crowds. When you came out performing, you've murdered.

Yeah, that was a good one. You know you're funny when black people think you're funny and my tour manager, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna say it. My tour manager was like, that guy's hilarious.

Why people will fake it. Right. Right. I know my tour manager doesn't.

He's like, that guy's hilarious. Yeah, he told me a sign. He was like, I was trying to get to somebody. I was like, oh, yeah, man.

He looked shocked when he said it, but he said it. He was surprised. So how do you feel about your special? How's it doing?

I'm doing well. I'm excited that like it's free and it's completely uncensored because I felt like, you know, I'd done a Netflix special a couple of years ago and I was like, you know, there's, every time I do a special, I finish it, it airs and then I start writing another special straightaway, which is like kind of like a good business on some level. But then I would like start with some chunk and then I'd be like, okay, thematically, you know, I'm like, I'm not going to do something about this. And then I, something would excite me like, I'm not going to fit in the special.

And I was like, this time after my special, I was like, I'm just going to write like for me, what I think is interesting. I think it's funny. I'm not going to worry about like the head of that Netflix going to air or what each we will put this on. And you know, I just like let me just write an hour for me and just for like the clubs basically.

So I couldn't say anywhere else. And then put that all together. And you remember, I'm like yelling about trans people for 30 minutes and like crazy shit that I probably wouldn't put any where else. And then only fans was like, do you want to do our first hour special?

Totally uncensored. So I'd say whatever you want. I was like, maybe this stuff that I wasn't planning on airing. I should like air and did it there.

And if you're going to go to OnlyFans TV and be offended, like I feel like that's not about that. Yeah, I think we should make clear to people. I'd never downloaded that app before. OFTV only fans TV is not, it's only fans, but it's a separate thing.

It's so easy. No, buttholes are going to come up. No crazy shit's going to happen. Yeah.

Also, you can just go to of.tv and it's just a website. Oh, okay. Yeah. Slash Whitney and it's there and it's completely funny.

The functionality was like so great. I was watching my car and it just every time I was positive, it just started right back up. And I was very happy with the experience. It feels like a club show.

I like that there's so much crowd work in there. It feels like you, and not something that we always see. The special is always go big. I always go way too polished.

I have picked me energy. Most of my specials is like you work out for two years. It's polished. I always felt like I had to work twice as hard to get half as far.

It's super impressive. And be perfect. And I was like, you know what, this one, I'm shooting at my home club, the Comi store main room. Because what comics do is we, for like when you shoot your first special, what we always do, and I guess this might be what you're doing skating also, but you don't really get to choose where you do your, you know.

Oh, no, you can. Oh, they can. It's giving them more of a theme for the trick. But like in like, when you're doing like a competition or something, what I was going to say is like comics, like we always make it in a way game.

We're like, oh, I work in the Comi store. I've met him to shoot my special. I'm going to go to Carnegie Hall. It's like, you do that once every three years.

If you're lucky, then you're in this unfamiliar environment and you're trying to figure it out. It's like, why don't I just shoot this right every night when I'm the most comfortable. And it's cooler. Like the Comi store is way cooler.

No one gets a shit. No one's like watches these big specials and they're like, look at that gold leaf architecture. The only people that look at that are the comedian. We pick these big venues just to impress other comedians.

That's right. The only reason we do it. So that's where you're most comfortable, but based on the beginning of the special, it did not seem like you were particularly comfortable as you were going on stage. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. I was like just having a little last minute panic attack. I thought it might have been pregnancy, not. It was just more like, I just have to panic a little bit.

I was wearing a onesie. I was like, I have to pee. I think sometimes I am so weirded out by how comfortable I am before a special that I feel the need to kind of stress myself out for a bit. Because it gets you adrenaline going to make a shopper.

I kind of will do something to make myself late. Yeah, I put pressure. Yeah. I don't know where I find it, but I put it on big time.

Like as soon as I was performing in, I think it was like Dubai with Tommy Davidson back in the day and living color. But he just got called to go on stage and Dubai. And so I was like, you're on in 10. He goes, cool.

I'm going to jump in the shower. I was like, what? And like looking back, it's like that's what he was doing. Oh, right.

I'm going to just make myself rush. So that I'm going to have adrenaline. Hey, in your special, you talk about dating and some of the jokes that you have about dating makes me think that you were trying to date some cooks. I was.

Yeah, like all the dudes that do the meat thing and like live like they're pretty. Oh, high performers? Yeah, like all those guys, like there's a lot more of them now, especially LA. It just seems like I don't think they're all telling the truth.

I think they say they do it and they don't. I'm kind of psyched that men have eating disorders now. It's kind of nice. You like it.

Well, that just mean like this whole thing of like I'm keto. I'll only eat this. I will eat chicken. It's not a complete protein.

I only eat kale and I fast. I'm like, oh, this is just an eating disorder. We've all done that. Like I've been doing this since I was a teenager or like the obsession with your body.

Like women want to get smaller men want to get bigger. It's kind of feels like now the body pressure is more egalitarian. Like we both kind of have it, you know? It just seems so the same with MMA like MMA is big.

A lot of guys who like to talk about it, they watch it and they go, oh, okay. They don't have any idea at all. It's more of a thing that you talk about at the barbershop. Like you want to have at least a couple of things you know about Game of Thrones and MMA.

Like dudes have to know it. But it seems like, because the cold plunge everyone talks about the cold plunge. I don't know that many people that actually do it for three minutes every day. Because that's what you're supposed to do as a person that has it that claims it.

This day is where I don't go in there. You know why? Because it sucks too much. But also they say the stress of going in like if you're going, that's worse for you.

So if it stresses you out to go in, you're making cortisol and you're actually stressing yourself out. So if you do it in a way that's like actually going to get the benefits of it. Well, okay. If it's that big of a deal, then maybe you shouldn't do it.

But yeah, there's definitely days where I get in and I don't want to get in it. But I can feel that there was a good idea within seconds. You look good. Really?

It's tired. Really? How old are you? You look great.

Yes. Too old for you to date though, right? Your age is not, doesn't break the top 2000 things. I mean, two other things.

The other things. That's fair. I have said that you're pretty smart, so that makes sense. I don't think you'd want to date me if we really got down to it.

I don't know. I feel like I've been... Me and me as a... No, I think it's the opposite.

I think I'm too nice to you. I like you too. I like you as a person too much and you wouldn't agree with me and we'd fight about it. Oh, right.

We'll see. We'll see. Like I feel like I would just be like, why don't you see me the way I see you? It wouldn't annoy me.

Right. Well, I don't want to let you down. Sorry we're here. Like, can you be with someone that really likes you?

Now I can. Yeah. Because now I'm not. Do you ever feel suspicious when someone really likes you?

I do. Yeah. It's going to take a second. But I think I feel like I'm pretty good when it comes to judging somebody, when I look at them and see how they look at me.

Why are you sitting like you're in a chemo waiting room? There we go. Praying that slut, man. Just harassing my ass.

Sorry. I'm sorry. This is a pretty chill. You look like you're in trouble, bro.

Like, wow. I'm very into the juxtaposition of you having such a gentle side and being so sensitive. But also like a tough motherfucker. Yeah, but I don't like that anymore.

Like the tough guy is embarrassing to me. It used to be embarrassing to me when I had a temper and I would, if I went off, I would recall the temper and it reminds me of my father and even more now than ever that really makes me sad. I don't want to be like that at all. But it's in there.

But I've managed to pretty much chuck that thing out. Like I don't really have, like every now and then I'll think about it. Yeah. But I'll usually shut it up.

I feel like I have this too. I think people think that I'm like this really rough, gruff person because I'm a comic, you know? But I'm actually like really sensitive and shy. Yeah.

I do feel like you're exterior sometimes, but trays or interior. You're trying to start kind of person. Yeah. But that's my child.

I built this so nobody would cross me again. I built somebody that would protect me from my father and anybody else for the rest of time. And it had to be a pretty scary guy because there's a lot of scary people out there. I've seen him.

So I made this so you can't touch me anymore. But now I won. I went to therapy. I won.

I don't need to, I don't need to protect myself anymore. I'm fine. So I don't need to fight anymore. I don't need to be aggressive.

I don't need to be standoffish. But it's when you've done it. It's like my accent. I haven't lived in Australia for 30 years.

Why do I sound like this? That's where I grew up. I just wonder. Does it take work to turn it down?

Oh yeah. Yeah. And I can only do an over the top guy. But I love that you know that it's over the top.

I can't do it in between. It's like it's either me or Tony Hawk. Let's get some beer. Party.

Have you ever tried cheeseburgers? I learned how to say that. I say can I get a cheeseburger? And they go what?

I'm like a cheeseburger. What? I'm like a cheeseburger. And they're like oh cheeseburger.

I'm like that's impossible. It's just a little bit different. What do you mean? And then same with phone numbers when I choose to order pizza when I was a kid.

I'd be like you know 5, 5, 5, 5, they're like 2, 3, 7. I'm like what? That's not even one of the numbers. And then I go 5, 5, 5 total.

And they just say it. And I'm like this is crazy how it works. That's so funny. Yeah.