Gratitude for All Who Teach Us

I have been considering a post about difficult people but from the perspective of gratitude. When I look back at them now, I see things differently. It's the old cliche about them being the best teachers. It's true, but I think they're really the best trainers and mentors too.I have been lucky in life to have had amazing mentors. People who helped me intentionally with a skill or with just being a better person. I love to return the favor. But the unwitting and unintentional mentor is just as valuable, and perhaps more.Most of us were trained at different times in our lives by difficult people. They may have been or still are antagonistic and critical, mean etc. But they show us ourselves in a mirror. They show us how much we want/need/demand approval. They show us how we react. And they definitely trained us on how to handle future difficult people.Some shun, others gas-light, attack, project and on and on. But I recently sensed that I feel galvanized by this treatment. I even wear it as a badge of honor. Even since some scenarios that took place around covid times I sense now that I experience myself as dramatically different. I am far more self-approving and assured. I was really mad at someone for the treatment that led to this. Now I'm thankful. I'm tougher. I'm more centered.What also helps is that I took some rude awakenings and decided to reflect and act upon the information. So the context is different when you're doing the work, even to the small extent that I do. So from that place of seeking renewal and redemption, I can recontextualize the behaviors as tearing off a band-aid rather than seeing the other as a villain, regardless of their intentions.And we are in a mental health crisis for lots of reasons. That's a whole different post. But one must realize that they will and do encounter lots of people who are projecting their traumas onto others. People who will misunderstand behaviors and intent. They will try to convince you that yours are treacherous. They will try to fit you into their narrative when you don't want to be an adversary. This can be quite unintentional and unconscious on their part. Because they, like many, have been hurt deeply.So hurt people hurt people. And the only solution is to do the inner work. To seek assistance from within and without. To educate oneself on one's own foibles. To seek a spiritual life if so disposed, or to seek community.But what woke me up lately is a sense that maybe everyone is sleep-walking. The hubris that puts them to sleep is the idea that they've already done the work, don't need the work. It's denial. And the antidote to said arrogance is humility.Humility says I don't know. I'm going to use beginner's mind. I'm going to apologize, forgive and humanize the other. I'm going to awaken when I'm in someone else's control drama and quickly exit. And I'm going to be vigilant against ensnaring others in mine.Then we can see that most of us are unwittingly re-living the past. The pain, the wishes unfulfilled. The emptiness and the losses. The inner child, so wounded, becomes the miserly ego of the adult. And all we can do is to truly see them as more than they're being. And to see our small selves in them. To mourn our losses and forgive our trespassers. Because most of them were asleep at the wheel. And so have we been.And love is giving. And it feels so much better than resenting. We can forego starting the whole adversarial process over again with someone new, while subconsciously imprinting upon them someone from our past.And speaking of mourning our losses, it seems such a pity that we spend so much time in this dance of re-traumatization. We must be here for so much more. Perhaps some don't want to wake up from it because the weight of the wasted time and misplaced rage and hate would seem too much to bear. Especially minus the mechanism of forgiveness.I wish everyone only love and joy and peace. And as I inch closer to 50, I realize there is no shortcut for doing the inner work. In some ways I feel like I'm just getting started. In others I sense the accumulated insights and knowledge for which I am grateful.Sometimes the intent to learn, grow, and change our ways is enough to start a process that overtakes a person. I sense I'm strapped into that ride, especially after recently responding to a call made years ago to a very different me.The tools of the trade of life are indispensable: meditation, gratitude, foregiveness, crying, journaling, community, purpose, music, exercise, humility, humanizing others, perspective, stewardship of nature and others. And sometimes, it's fighting for what's right, even if it makes us unpopular.To all the teachers and trainers, I truly am grateful. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit greenmang.substack.com/subscribe