Grief as a Journey, Not a Problem to Fix: Thomas Attig on Living With Loss

In this powerful episode of Answers for Elders, host Suzanne Newman welcomes nationally respected grief scholar Thomas Attig for an eye-opening conversation about what grief really is—and what it is not. Attig explains that grief is far more than “feeling bad” after a death; it is the human work of relearning how to live in a world that has permanently changed. Together, they explore how loss affects people at every age, from adult children caring for aging parents to spouses facing the “long goodbye” of dementia. Suzanne and Tom emphasize that grief requires compassionate attention, not avoidance, and that many of us begin grieving well before a loved one actually passes.Throughout the interview, Attig reframes grief as a transition from loving someone in their presence to loving them in their absence, a process filled with both pain and profound meaning. He clarifies common misconceptions, including the widespread misunderstanding of Kübler-Ross’s “five stages,” which describe the experiences of people who are dying—not the grief of survivors. Instead of predictable stages, real grief is lived through everyday moments: sorting through a closet, facing an empty chair, navigating changed routines, or encountering unexpected surges of emotion. Attig encourages listeners to embrace the “gifts” their loved ones have left behind—memories, lessons, values, and connections that continue shaping us long after physical presence is gone.In the final part of the discussion, Suzanne and Tom talk about forgiveness, unfinished relationships, and the spiritual side of grief. Attig reminds listeners that we are all part of a vast web of relationships, and while a person’s body may be gone, the threads that connect us remain. Successful grieving doesn’t mean “getting over it”—it means reshaping life patterns, reclaiming strength, and moving forward without losing love. Tom also shares insights from his upcoming book, ''Seeking Wisdom in Death’s Shadows,'' which gathers decades of his most influential work on loss, resilience, and the deep emotional intelligence required to heal. This episode offers comfort, wisdom, and practical guidance for anyone seeking hope after the death of someone they love.Thomas Attig's book, ''Seeking Wisdom in Death's Shadows': Collected Writings on How We Grieve,'' is available as an ebook on Amazon.His previous book, "How We Grieve: Relearning the World," 2nd edition, is available at Amazon. See his other books on Amazon.Visit Tom's website Grief's Heart and read an except from the 1st edition.