Grieving: Do I Even Want the Joy to Return?

I had both ups and downs this past weekend in my journey of grief after losing my wife, Roz. Even though this grief is terrible, it can feel good that it makes me the center of attention (that was the down experience). But later that night, I shared the gospel and saw people come to Jesus (that was the up experience). It raises the question: which experience do I want to describe my life in the days, months, and years to come?