Hard Love

While presenting a keynote address in Atlanta, GA in 2008 at the National Foster Parents Association Annual Meeting, I had the opportunity to visit a foster home nearby, where five severely developmentally disabled kids were being ‘fostered’ by some very special people. Children with disabilities are always hard to place, and these foster parents had decided to legally adopt 4 of these 5 kids, each one of which required 24/7 care for their disabilities. When I arrived at their home of these children, all five kids were in their cribs in their group bedroom. Their parents were on their way home from the conference, so I sat and waited in the low light with the children and their paid helpers, who were there on that particular shift. They tended to the kids who were not sleeping. One of the boys, a 13-year-old, was still in his crib in diapers. Next to his crib, a little 3-year-old girl lay paralyzed and brain-damaged as she had been a ‘shaken baby’ whose spinal cord had been damaged. She seemed like she was in another world. The children stirred when they heard the parents come into the room. Each of those kids who had appeared to be ‘unavailable’, living at the severe end of the autism spectrum, lite up with smiles as they heard the parents voices and felt the presence of these folks who loved them. They got hugs and caresses from their parents, and I thought, … “How hard this must be, … to have the responsibility of caring for these little humans. So many other adults would only see the burdens and impediments that these children carry with them, while these two loving parents obviously delighted in having the company of these innocent little ones.” Love songs I’ve heard on the radio, are mostly someone singing a mournful lament about how their heart has been ‘broken’ by someone they loved, who didn’t love them back enough. “Love is so HARD! It gives me the blues!” “Well, …” I thought, “All that musical ‘heart-ache’ and that, “it’s just you and me against the world Darling” kind-of-love, seems “EASY”, compared to what these parents signed up for! And that’s what sprouted the idea for my “Hard Love” song. HARD LOVE Sometimes love seems so easy D9-G6 Then that passion knocks me flat down D9-Asus4-A And my heart sings the blues, for each love that I lose D9-G6 Then I get up n’start lookin’ around Em-A(Asus4-A) Chorus: Hard love is not what I look for D-G(C-G) Specially when it looks hard from the start D-Asus4-A But I learned how to live, when I learned how t’give Bm-G Hard love helps me find my heart Em-A Hard love helped me find my heart. Em-A-D, Dsus4-D Now ‘hit’ songs are all ‘easy love’ songs Lovers fight, they make up, they rejoice. But I never knew what ‘hard love’ was Til I had to make that hard choice When my drunken Dad bust in through my door When my buddy the soldier just stared at the floor When my cousin got caught, and I bailed her out That’s what hard love’s about Chorus: Hard love is not what I look for ‘Cause I know it can tear me apart But I learned how to live, when I learned how t’give Hard love helped me find my heart Hard love helped me find my heart. Instrumental chorus Bridge: What ever happened to “turn the other cheek”? Cmaj7(032030)-Em7(020030)-A Was that only popular last week? Cmaj7-Em7-Asus4-A7 Hard love’s all around, but where’s the awards? For those young single Moms lugging babies through stores For that Dad who keeps working a job that’s dead-end T’keep family together or t’pay back a friend? Where’s that statue for Grandma, whose daughter’s in jail, As she helps her blind granddaughter learn t’read Braille She gave up her own dreams to ‘hard-love’ that girl, And that hard love opened their worlds! Chorus: Hard love is not what we look for ‘Specially when it looks hard from the start But we learn how to live, when we learn how to give Hard love helps us find our heart Hard love helps us find our heart. Hard love helped me find my heart! Em-A-Cmj7, Em7/Asus4-A Em7(020030)/Asus4-A Written by Peter Alsop, ©2010 Moose School Music (BMI) On ‘Disciples Of PerFection’ - www.peteralsop.com Here’s me and my 2nd & 3rd grade Junior Guidance class at PS132 in the South Bronx, NYC in 1970. These guys taught me sooo much about ‘hard love’ and stickin’ together! Thanks Clinton, Harold, Jesse, both Darrells and George! And I think that ‘finding our heart’ is the reason we were born. Of course, I don’t know for sure why we arrived here on this planet. Some people experience life as joyous, some find it overwhelming and full of pain. There are bunches of us who would report a blended mix of those two. I suspect the story we tell ourselves about our own lives has a lot to do with our experience as we travel through our time here. Some of those stories come from our families, our parents, our culture, our religion, our experiences, our gender and place of birth and color of our skin. And there are lots of people who have changed the story they got, … and made it better. I’ve seen people who have gone through horrendous experiences and rather than accept that story as their story, they shift, and reframe things. They create new stories that empower them; and songs to lift themselves up as they search and find lessons in their misfortune, and by doing so, … they build knowledge and the ability to help others shift their stories and songs too. The story I think we need most in the world now, is one that helps us figure out how to widen our circle of caring for others. How do we open our hearts and our hands and let go of our own personal fears about ‘not having enough’, … so we can share what we do have, with others? I think that’s what ‘hard love’ is about. What do you think? Drop me a note and let me know. Bye for now, … Thanks to Greg Hilfman for playing piano and engineering this song. Ellen Geer and Shelby Flint sing background vocals. If you liked this song and my comments, … I’d sure appreciate you spreading the word about it by re-stacking and sharing it, … maybe telling your friends and family about my work. My albums and songs are available as cd’s or as downloads at https://peteralsop.bandcamp.com. Or check out more of my songs on earlier posts, or listen to my audio posts at: Peter Alsop’s SONGS TO CHEW (click here! ) My Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and to support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. (You don’t have to be a ‘paid’ subscriber to get my posts. Everyone gets ‘em, … but some folks do send in money to support my work, which I appreciate!) To send me a comment, you can hit the Subscribe button. That’s free! And you can always email me at [email protected]. I’d love to hear from you! In either case, glad you’re here! Thanks for spreading the word! Bye for now!. Get full access to Peter Alsop’s Substack at peteralsop.substack.com/subscribe