Takes a message from what? Uh, from a fan that says I want to **** Rachel's **** the rest of my life. Can you send that to me? I'm gonna add that to my collection.
Get your boyfriend to read it to you. Yeah, I love it. Wolfie DMs has infiltrated this podcast. Do you want to call this guy?
Uh, we should probably. Yeah, definitely. She wants to hear about how he wants to know. You know what I get?
Which I don't want to get, because I'm not gay anymore. What? I'm just like trying to find a girl, like to have a relationship with. Okay.
And I just get messages from dudes. It's like a sneaky one where it's like, this guy's like, Hey man, like he sends things all the time where it's like really over the top. And I don't respond because they're too over the top. And he's a comedian.
And then he asks me, Do I want to do a spot tonight? And I was like, Here's my number for my manager. Because I've got to shut it up. I've got to shut it up 10 30.
But if I can make it there before, I will. And he goes, Come on man, I subscribe to your only fans. Let me get your actual phone number. As in, he's gaying on me.
Okay. And I'm like, dude. This is a comedian. Yeah.
Who's hitting on you and offering you stage time? Yeah. You're basically a female comic. Welcome.
Join us. Wow. That is yet again another eye opening. Oh my god.
You got objectified in the entertainment industry. What do you have a vagina? What? I mean, basically, this point I bitch enough.
Bald is totally welcome to the show. Dig it down. Oh, she did. I might have got I might have went too hard.
We could probably get half the open the windows. I went hard. I know it was pointing directly at my guest Rachel Wilson. That's all like college.
It felt like five minutes ago. Every day. It feels like I'm on like Be Reel's podcast. The hot box.
Oh, that's cool. You live in Be Reel's podcast. I know. Do you still smoke as much weed as you did last year?
I smoked right before I came here. I was immediately regretting it. I was like, I'm way too high for this, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I don't know if ever meant anybody.
Smoke alarms are going off. Told you. Yeah, I dare you robot smoke machine. I dare you to make the alarms come off.
It's already going off. I don't care. It's going off like primes in the sun. You ever say that?
You ever say that? That seems like an Australian thing. Bingo. Through the mist.
Hello and welcome. Our old friend Rachel Wilson. Yeah. We're our old friend.
Were you probably again? We're not saying you're old. Las Vegas. It's fine.
I'll take all the hits today. Old. That. Does my face look yellow?
Because I'm having a makeup crisis. No. I was waiting until we were on here to compliment how great you look. Let's save it.
You lost weight. I think you. I don't want to say that because it's like, are you saying that I was fat? No, I was fat.
It's fine. I'm glad you said it. Oh, you guys. This is so funny.
You're not really good. You are really good. You are really good. Thank you.
Thank you. What am I doing tonight? Eating. You really did set off the alarm.
Yeah. That's cool. Yesterday we were talking about a guy who. That's what happened in Vegas.
A guy ate a guy's face. Oh, yeah. I mean, Vegas, Miami. Same thing.
It's hot. When it gets hot. People go crazy. It's delightful.
Yeah, crazy shit happens. Yeah. Have you ever been so hot that you wanted to eat somebody's face? Right, fair enough.
Well, you guys are going to be OK for a little bit. But wait until it gets real hot and you're older. You'll get hungry. Speaking of crazy in Las Vegas, have you heard the crazy allegations surrounding David Copperfield?
Yeah, David. But that makes perfect sense. David Copperfield. Yeah, that's the thing.
Have you seen any show? Let me remind you. Don't. Why?
You've seen it? It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. The only thing that was good about it was it was so bad. It was funny.
It was like watching the beekeeper. Really? You ever seen the beekeeper? No.
Don't. Have you ever had the pleasure? How much like Taurus Vegas? A lot.
I saw Seagfried and Roy. Who? Seagfried and the guys with the tigers. I was just saying you didn't say it's Siegfried.
Siegfried and Roy. You said Seagfried. Siegfried and Roy. Siegfried and Roy.
I will check you. Now that you're not fat. Siegfried and the guys with the tigers. I literally said Siegfried.
Now that I'm not fat. Somebody's got a tekey down a bit. Yeah, yeah. You guys, that Rachel had a dream too.
OK. And that was done. Yeah. That's all right.
So yeah, Copperfield. They've been putting together this investigation on that son of a bitch for a couple of years now. And the mighty Falmichael. Wow.
When he was married to a supermodel. I do. That was my co-tho. His greatest magic trick of them all.
It really was. But also Claudia Schiffer can suck my butt. I don't like her. You know why?
Why? I don't like her ass. I don't like that. I'm not familiar with her.
Is it not good? It's not there. Well, you can't have it all. Yeah, you can.
You can't be super fit and have a good personality. You have that. It's literally impossible. You have to choose one.
Dude, I watched the Kevin Spacey documentary last. That's a good guy. The first. Good take.
There's two. Great actor. Great actor. Yeah, he actually wanted to.
Is that what it's about? No, it's not. It's not exactly about it. Well, they do talk about his acting ability.
And that guy is right. Yeah, but like all sort of. Lared, he's Kaiser S Did you watch K-Pax? Yeah, it's stupid.
It's an alien movie. Oh, yeah. OK. It's one of my dad's favorite movies.
I thought it was a brand of tampons. No, that's two different things. Even only that. Yeah, but the other movie is like, no, K-Pax is pretty bad.
American Beauty? No, that's OK. That's better. But it's still good.
But it's nowhere near as good as a usual suspect. Us, I will watch it now. It might be like really good. It might be the best movie.
No, it won Oscar. Give me the best. Give me the keys. I'm sorry.
I got the photo. The greatest line ever said in a movie. Everything you ever need from that guy is in like his six minutes of screen time. Yeah.
It's a. Torrid. That's why he was the wolf man in a movie that was so terrible that was unwatchable. And it was still good because he was in usual suspects shredding.
So it's like, man, this movie is terrible. But man, in usual suspects, he kicked ass. He was so good in that you can enjoy movies. Yeah, that's how it is.
I was like, man, it's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. You're watching maybe where he becomes a wolf?
What is that one? Wolf, man. It's not called Wolf, man. Is it?
I believe so. Wolf. Nah. We're going to check Nicholson one with his wolf.
Yeah. That was not good. I think it's the Wolf, man. The Wolf, man.
Yeah. Wow, it is called the Wolf, man. It's like my movie. It's really bad.
It sucks. And he's your Justin. I think it looks good. I didn't like it because I feel like a wolf man just would be cooler and darker.
And it just seemed like he was finding it in. A wolf man would actually probably not be fit to move amongst human society, being half wolf. Well, I always pictured like Glen Danzig, but taller. Oh, it's a big stretch.
Yeah. Literally. Yeah. Yeah, it's a short guy.
Do you know Danzig? I think we went over this on the last podcast. We were on the musical one. Oh my god.
We did. Well, because your last name's Wilson, it probably came up like that. Well, we were rating people, weren't we? You give me a wolf.
I could. Yeah. Thank you. You got wolf vibes.
It's better than a horse. I don't want to be a horse girl. I would mind being a horse girl. Is anyone in a tissue being a horse girl?
Yeah. What? Yeah, or at least looking like a horse. Come on.
That's it. Thank you. You don't have equine features? I mean, maybe equine features.
That's what they say. That like Julia Roberts has equine features. Sarah Silverman has equine features. Yeah.
I get compared to Sarah Silverman all the time. She's like a million times horseier than you. Really? Yeah.
You're like a pony at best. Yeah. Yeah. I like little ponies.
Ponies are non-threatening. Well, I don't sweat horses either. I got kicked in the meat by a horse when I was a kid. That's a little horse.
No, it was like a big horse. So it was a low kick. Yeah, it kicked right here, right above it. Low kicks is a lot of people don't respect them, but they're pretty powerful.
Low kick. Oh, it was like a horse. Back kick. Yeah, that was Ben Henderson.
Ben Henderson. Ben Henderson. Staying school. This is a disease.
I have it. Ben's an hedges. That's right. That's right.
Well-known. You would say. That's fucking ridiculous. Sure, the guy looks like her gamut.
He went to the gym a lot and didn't. You live in Texas, right? How's that working out? Cool.
That exciting, huh? I mean, I get a lot more stage time there. But it's not that fun, is it? I mean, I think it's fun.
What about the leg? Do you like the leg? Do you swim in it? I've been floating.
Do you wake ball or do you wake surf? No, I don't do that. Jokers. I don't, it's like a leg.
I like more of an ocean person. Everybody there wakes surfs. It's like we don't need waves because we have a wake surf and it's like you're in a pool of goon and you're not surfing in guard made waves and you don't, God doesn't like you. That's why you don't get any waves.
There's strong paddleboard culture. How's the snowboarding there? Snowboarding? Yeah.
There's no place to snowboard. Oh, you don't have snow. No mountains. Yeah, no, no, there is no mountains.
We have many mountains. Listen, I'm not here to be like Texas is. I just listen to Kill Tony a lot and I'm fighting back. I'm fighting, I'm fighting.
In terms of like. Hey, listen, listen. Yeah, yeah. All right, Texas is pretty good and yeah, you might have probably the better comedy going right now, but we got mountains.
All right, stop shit in California. California is good. Yeah. Where's Tony Hawk?
He's in Texas. I think not. He was just in Texas actually. Yeah, but he left.
Yeah, he was just there and. I was just there. You were? Where?
Why didn't I see him? I was on Kill Tony. When? Yesterday.
No. Seven minutes of glory. Have you been to Austin yet? I was there and I was on Kill Tony and the latest episode of Kill Tony I'm on it.
Really? I love how you don't trust his name. Everybody trust me. Hold up your hand if you're telling the truth from.
I swear I was on Kill Tony. Yes. The latest episode. We've been awesome before too.
Okay, I just got to see. You've been to Austin. Did I see? No, that was a different festival I saw you at.
We were in. You were fat. No, we were in Oregon. We were in Oregon.
Oh yeah. Well, you were real fat then. That was not real fat. This is fun.
You look really good though. Thank you. And right now is right now. Literally only like 10 pounds less than what I when you said.
Hey, none of us can change our incredible chunky pants. So what's going on? I just live in Texas and I. How's that border crisis going?
I don't know. I'm removed from that. All right. Great.
No stress. I'm in Austin. We're in the care now. I'm in Austin.
What do I care about? Yeah. I'm not really sure sometimes. Right.
I care about my family. I think the correct answer was nothing. I care about my friends. I have a cat.
Do you like cats? I like my cat. What about the kittens of the world? Yeah, I like them too.
Right. How do you feel about people eating dogs? I don't think that I would eat a dog. You're Florida or you're against it.
I'm against that. Good. Yeah. What about elephants?
How do you feel about their survival in the wilderness today? They, I hope they survive. Nice. I respect that.
Yeah. And nobody else has the same eyes and did you know that big cats have different eyes, not like snakes or cats? I did not know that. Did you know that a turtle shits?
Yeah, wake up. Well, so did you know a turtle shits a stick out? Really? P P O O P?
Same hole. And they still get laid. That's great. Yeah, but I don't know if they're having fun.
Turtles? When they're having sex. I'm sure. You can, you can imagine if you want to, but I don't think so.
That's not like actually, I have seen turtles have sex. Yeah. Does it look fun? S future?
It looks complicated. It looks bad. Oh my god, that's not this. Oh yeah, that's the, that's, that's O-Face me.
We have an over idea. That's the guy you don't invite to the next or two. I didn't know I had times like that. He can take it off the invite immediately for that face.
Okay, take him off the text, Jay. Are you gonna be able to show that one on YouTube? Are they gonna make you take it out? Fair.
Stab the attack. Yeah, I've seen this. YouTube is for kids, isn't that crazy? Yeah.
Did I say, is your, I said we take it back. Is your sister running for Judge? Yeah, she's running for Judge. She trying to replace your mom?
No, my mom's not a judge anymore. Okay. My mom stopped being a judge a while ago. My sister, she's a lawyer now and she's just running for a seat.
That's open. Why is your family want to be judges so bad? I don't know. I don't want to be that though.
That's not like your role in the family. I was thinking about that when you have like, oh right. You're, I feel like I know, I'm assuming a lot, but I know families like yours, where it's like we're all like played by the rules, studied hard, followed the path of righteousness and we sacrificed a little bit of fun. Yeah.
To do that, we want you to go off and get hella baked and be in jackass because you're like, you're our family's like flair. Hella. I think they wanted me to be like more like them initially and then they saw like I'm not going to be like them and then they had to accept that. Right.
I mean, they wanted me to be like probably more like what they were like. At another judge. At first you were like, I'm going to be a comedian. They're like, sure you are.
Yeah. It was 100%. It was more like, okay, what are you going to do for work then? Now you, that is your job.
Yeah. And they're like, oh, well then hell yeah, because they would know from having a job that's not fun. Sorry, but I would assume it's not as fun. I'm sure it's fun for them, you know, because I think for us, like we get our job is fun.
And I think for people like that, they wouldn't know what to do with our jobs. Like it wouldn't be fun for them to like, you know, the, the, the, the, the spontaneous of our jobs and the inconsistency and the invalidation, you know, the like dark side of it. These people like routine and guarantees and all that stuff. So just have fun.
Remember that story recently in that judge, you got in trouble because they caught her. She texted like a hundred and seventy five times during a trial and was like basically saying, oh, I bet that lawyer has a little dick. That's why. Oh, really?
Yeah. That seems fun. That's hilarious. That's hilarious.
That's hilarious. For a judge. What are we doing? What is the point of event of any of it anymore?
I don't know. I don't read sports illustrated. Nobody does. I don't even know if they print.
No one reads it because they're just putting anyone anywhere. Who's gay? Oprah's friend, Gail. Oh, wait, what?
It's on the swimsuit edition. Yeah. You know, she didn't like she didn't win the tour ball. No, I forget.
Yeah, at all. Well, that's not what it's about. I think she let's say. That's never what it was about.
Oh, it wasn't. Of course it was. What the fuck are we doing? What are we doing?
Why are we doing this? Why is she saying yes to it? She's like, yeah, sure. I look OK in a swimsuit for 67-year-old lady and she does.
That's not the point. That's not the point. Why don't they put a hot chick on the cover of Forbes magazine? Because hey, sometimes people who are awesome at business are super smoking hot too.
What is wrong with Kim Kardashian? She's not hot. Yeah, Kim Kardashian. I saw in person at the row.
She's so beautiful. She's literally beautiful in person. Oh, yeah? I think so.
Do you? Cut tube. I feel like people can buy the diet and hair extensions and face implants and shit away to look good on camera. No, she looks really beautiful in person.
Right, but I think that really popping in person. There's little things you can do, but for the most part that actually has to happen from the inside, like naturally. And yet, not only does she not look like what she was naturally supposed to look like, she didn't even look like what she unnaturally looked like 10 years ago. Yeah.
Do you think you would have felt that way about her if she had actually allowed herself to just grow up and look like what her face actually looks like? I mean, I think whatever she's done, she's gorgeous. And even now with whatever she's done, she still looks really good. I saw it in person.
I was like she genuinely is beautiful in person. And you see people who they don't look as beautiful in person when you see, but I was always curious. Like, does she look that good and she does? I mean, I thought she looked great.
I hate her love hair. She did look good in person. She kind of looks like Megan Fox now. They all kind of look like even Kylie looks different now.
I think a lot of them are taking out the fake butt implants and the over because it's not cool anymore to look like that. Somebody's going to inform a couple ladies at my gym. Well, I'm not mad at them. Would you get butt implants?
No, I've got a nice ass. Yeah. No, I probably wouldn't. If I had a lot of money, you know, get a fake out.
I'd be so worried about things going wrong. I wouldn't worry about that. You could just do squats. Yeah, that's what I would do.
I mean, that's what I do. And the natural always looks better. And like in a way, obviously it's easier to have somebody put you. Like surgery is not easy.
No, and then you have to maintain it. Yeah. See, I kind of like the gym. I like the gym girls that I don't think that they've got a butt implant.
I think that they are at the gym like five days a week and that's why they look like that. Yeah, I agree. I agree. But I also think if you have like all the money in the world, you can get the butt implant, but you could also get like the trainer that makes me work smarter and harder and keeps me.
Not like I go to the gym, but like if there was somebody that I was paying to be responsible to who was like designing my program to get a better butt, like my butt would get better than it currently is. Yeah. I mean that you can do that, but it's the same as like anything else. If you go to the gym a lot and you like read up on what there is to do because personal trainers are good if you don't know how to train yourself, but if you go enough and you do what they do, well guess what?
Now you know, I know like real crazy technique. It ain't like boxing or anything. I know. But a lot of people will tell you that and maybe you don't find this to be true, but that what they're really paying for is like the accountability.
The same reason a lot of people go to a class is because it's like they'll cut some corners when nobody's looking, but when they're, it's just that social thing when strangers are watching all of a sudden you don't want to cut corners. Yeah, I don't want to go out with that person. Yeah. I'm not interested.
You do it yourself. Make it yourself self-made. Just don't tattoo that on you because then I'm out. It's so stupid.
What has happened? I know somebody that has self-made tattooed on them and they're a douche. Probably not a guy. I don't know.
So you definitely made yourself unaware of it. I think it's great. Self-made. You're dad and your mom major.
You're just a cocky bag of jizz. Any plans for the summer? It's summer. I'm probably just going to go to New York for a little bit.
That's nice. Go back to Texas, work on more stand-up. That's all I'm focused on right now. Just becoming a better stand-up comedian.
How's that going? And my working out, it's going well. Yeah. Are you better than ever?
I'm definitely better since moving to Austin because I get more consistency stage time there. So I've wrote new jokes and written some highlighting. Nailed it. I've written new jokes.
Singed Fried and Right. As we say in Texas. I feel like I'm becoming a better comedian. I hope.
Are you doing stand-up? Yeah. I think the last time I saw you was in Florida. Yeah, that's when I woke up.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's when I became okay at comedy. Oh, I thought, no, I saw you when you woke up.
I did. Yeah. That's kind of weird. I came to his hotel room in the morning.
Did I bring you coffee? No, you brought a blunt. I brought a blunt. You and Uncle Laser.
Yeah. Yeah. America's uncle. Is that what he is?
No, I think he's just an uncle. I don't know if he's like a real uncle. He's a fun guy. Yeah.
Do people go out on the weekend a lot in Austin? Yeah, they go out like every night. They do on that one strip, huh? Yeah.
Six street, 36. Yeah, I was there. You should do a podcast there at Sunset Strip. I should do my podcast there.
You can do a live podcast there. Yeah. That sounds expensive. No, it's just a state like that's my home club down there and it's built for that.
That's Red Band's club, right? Yeah. You should definitely look into that because. Hey, Red Band, let me do my show at your club.
You would love that. I mean, I would do a show anywhere, anytime. Yeah. Yeah.
I would love to do that. I would love to do that. I might be in car racing again. Yeah.
Yeah. Once again, I don't like to get my hopes up about anything, but if it happens, holy shit, am I going to be pumped? It's like proper racing with like cool guys. And I don't have to buy the car.
It's like really cool. Yeah, that's where it's at. Yeah. Cool.
It's like one of my most fun memories was racing cars. Why did you stop? Because I had to pay money to race, to be fast, and then also I had a group conversation with wife at the time and my children, and they said that they didn't want to go anymore. I was like, Tiger was like, I like it, Dad.
And I was like, yeah, that's two versus two. And the other two have more weight, unfortunately. And I was like, I don't want to, you know, it's a whole weekend. And if my wife at the time is like, this is really lame for me.
That's tough. And my daughter's like, this is really lame. It was pretty, it was pretty. And it was also like, to be fast, you have to pay like five grand a weekend.
And then if I, if I want, I got a check for like 250 bucks. Really? That's worse than comedy. Yeah.
It's the worst sport ever to get into if you want to make money. It's because it's like, you know, when comedians are the top guys, they make real money. I feel like the top guys in motorsports, it's like the guy that wins, like the guy gets second and still got the money. Yeah.
Yeah. It's not a lot. I think if you're in NASCAR, then yeah, man, you got all the money. Right.
But even then I feel like people that are in the top 20 are just spending money. Yeah. Isn't it good? Why don't you just pick up a, like a different hobby, like pickleball?
Yeah. No, I've always said that. I was like, why couldn't I just enjoy golf? Because then I wouldn't go to hospital anymore and stuff.
But it's just like how I'm built. I just hate golf and pickleball and like table tennis and darts and, you know, video game. I just want to smash stuff and go real fast, you know? It's like the only thing that I like.
And now that I'm sober, it's like that even more so. Like that's one bit that's like everything else is pretty cool. And I'm taking care of myself, but boy do I want to smash stuff and go fast even more than I originally did. So I definitely, no disrespect to golf, but I don't want to do it.
I feel that. This is like a golf fight. They don't have that. No, you should start that.
They'd be hoppy. It's pretty close. Give me hobbies. Stand up.
I don't collect anything. Actually, no, that's not true. I collect ashtrays from old Vegas hotels. I like that.
And so I, because I go to the vintage shops in Vegas and I'll find vintage ashtrays from when they used to actually put out real ashtrays before everyone would steal them. Yeah. Yeah. So I have like Caesars Palace and.
Yeah, I got a coffee mug from the sands. Yeah. Sands. I think I have a ashtray from the sands too.
Stardust. I collect, I collect old Vegas hotel ashtrays. Everything that I used to do as a kid, like my hot, I played basketball. I was really involved in basketball.
But then as I got older, I just ended up getting hurt. Like I get hurt really easily. So I stick to more like ashtrays. Ashtrays sitting down activities.
That seems pretty cool. Hey, everybody. It's Jason. I was the greatest skateboarder of all time, according to me.
This podcast is brought to you by Bluechoo, the greatest boner thing you can chew on according to me again. But I mean, who's arguing? I mean, you can ask my penis. Oh, yeah, it's the best.
He calls me Alice. I don't know why. He's Alice as well. But he is on fire.
He is unmatched. He is unbeaten. He smashes all the. Oh man, sorry.
All the cats. I don't know what I'm saying. But it's the greatest weapon I've ever had. And I've got a lot of tools.