brought to you by the every dollar app start budgeting for free today my husband and i keep on loading his mom money she always paid it back to be fair but then she asked again and i'm starting to really resent it and we disagree on whether to keep helping and i just don't know how to go forward with my hair boy obviously you don't want to he feels he has to is that a fair classification okay and that's only about the last conversation uh... that you guys had about this how did it go uh... well it's not because uh... she asked for seven thousand who i thought this is in the seventy dollar range to be completely i know this is not a change wow it's always thousands of dollars and i i i think we can look and work for piggy bank and i'm tired of being her piggy bank and she what he said well he said that she never asked for for listening to always quote unquote an emergency or important okay tell me what the seven thousand dollar ask was for just uh...
i think it was a transmission on her car and how often does this occur is this once a year is it every couple months and is always like to the tune of like thousands of dollars or is it sometimes just like spot me a couple of hundies it's always it's always thousands of dollars at least one year and sometimes quite a year and she always back she does yeah i know exactly uh... i don't know cuz i did all just my husband word but i think six months now this is tough reason i asked because i really want to do lean in on this one because you are the wife and this is tough for me i don't have any clear response because the reason i asked about the relationship conversation was what had happened the last time we talked about it and you didn't give me a lot of detail but from what i mean and inferring he basically was like well it's not frivolous she needed a new transmission and so in his mind he's justifying mom's crazy as i was on mama's side right now and so she's so i'm actually defer to you here because this is not to say that a man can't inform this question but i do get you need i want you to lead off here quite could be also i'm not sure what she does here how much money do you have to make we're budgeting is optional if you chose c watch this about a hundred seventy and about a hundred fifteen hold on did you go back after you paid off everything borrow some more money oh yeah i'd like to go here and here and we get to my baby and oh no i'm full south beach it's not just about how much you make it's about having a plan for what you've got so start budgeting with every dollar for free today um i think that this is a classic this is kind of a classic uh even cleave type deal where the the sun has to go i love my mom my mom made me she raised me i have nothing but love for her but if i'm forced to choose and my wife is not wrong it's just a well i think i think the husband's wrong but i'm saying in his mind in his mind if he's it's if he's seeing it as a as a question of preference my mom prefers this my wife prefers this you got to go with the wife every time yeah and that's the question i have quick i don't want to interrupt your moment but i do want to share i mean is he completely clear if he were sitting right here with jade would he be completely clear that you had it with us or or is he think you're just mildly frustrated what does he think i think i think he he knows that i've kind of had it with us okay now i think you said something earlier that begs a couple questions from me when i asked that she pay the money back by the way that's neither here nor there to the question of whether you should lend it i was trying to understand his point of view a little bit more so i can argue it but what you responded was was interesting you said that basically as far as you know based on your husband's word which made me think like do you not have access into seeing each other's finances are you sharing finances basically i mean technically we do but we do not have a joint account okay so that that right there and i'm gonna tell you right now uh sarah i think we've been getting more and more of these calls where what happens is you guys have not fully aligned on finances the philosophy of it nor how we share our money right there's still this kind of side business going on where we have we have one account that we put checks in but we also have our side accounts what happens when you set up life like that is you um you you actively pull yourself out of being uh the decision maker with your spouse on every major financial issue because you've already said we're not fully together and so that i think is why your husband is operating over here saying ah it's not that big of a deal she always pays me back i'm not saying it's right i'm just understanding it it's actually great insight there it's a really good point sir i hope you're hearing what she's saying because here's where this goes you guys are gonna have to have a mediator and i think it's a marriage therapist because to jay's point things have been so separate it's a total restart point that and again he just taking his a completely new perspective and you don't want to put yourself in a place where you're threatening him right and then making him make a false choice now if he was sitting here with me i'd look at him straight and go hey bro listen to me you got it's like you got a you got to choose your wife here you got to grow up take the diaper off the emotional diaper uh this is embarrassing i mean i would just go straight at it he's not here today so we want to equip you but i think jay's insight is absolutely phenomenally on target so because of that i think you're gonna have to have a marriage therapist to bring you together hopefully a skilled one who is the middle ground and could we do have to reset because i think he's operating like what's the big deal yeah because you're the one who and i'm not saying this in a wrong way i think you're absolutely right sarah but if you look at what the agreement was right if you if you and i say here's the stakes we'll do this together and then you're the one who changes he has the right to be confused or wonder well what's the big deal and again i can't stress this enough i believe you're right and wanting to not continue to lend her money but in that that's not the bigger problem the bigger problem is we actually need to have full transparency on our money we need to be fully combined on our money and i agree with can counseling is a way to start that new process and here's the ask here's what you got to tell him you have to say we have to do this we have to go to counseling so threat we have to go this is causing me to resent you and your mom i don't like it and i don't have the tools to convince you so will you please do this for me i think that's your posture and uh and and you know the context has to be reset because you guys are not on the same page therefore he's like what's the issue so gonna be tough uh it's not gonna be easy right but but jay in this situation there is no easy this has to be confrontation into your point a full blown operational reset absolutely and then on the money front what i see honestly just on the money front it's only a matter of time because she's not been a good the mother-in-law has not been a good manager of finances it's only a matter of time before she stops paying you guys back is what i see because she's just not a responsible person with her money oh and be prepared and i don't want to judge her but be prepared for a pretty nice blowback for mom because i believe she's either knowingly or unknowingly manipulating your husband her son wow that's gonna be sticky and stinky a words of scar be prepared create your free every-dollar budget today the simplest way of budget for your life