Welcome welcome Who's that I don't know That was like a guy that was maybe like one of the guys in the background or something Yeah, hell boy you'd be like hey ugly catch and then you like throw a grenade you shoot him. Yes. Yeah Quippy but not not at all funny or or smart or yeah Whitty or anything kind of like a sleepy performance like sleepier than I remembered hey yeah I could see that you know I thought he was gonna be a little more more of a high-energy grump, but uh nope no It's gonna be tiring wearing all that makeup It's gotta be tiring being painted red and wearing like love and and no other mon This is well first of all welcome to King me presents Anti-Christmas yeah our month long exploration of films about the anti-Christ and and you know asterisk The antichrist asterisk. He's not really the antichrist.
He is the antichrist. He's kind of the antichrist. He's the key he is He's a bit of a gozer. Oh, I don't know.
I think if you look it up Mythology it checks out. He's he's a harbinger of of hell and doom. Yeah, let me just log on to mignola pedia Of course we did rosemary's baby the masterpiece and then last week we talked about the omen a classic classic So we both thought was a bit silly and snoozy in parts and now we're talking about hell boy the big red guy the most 2004 Wow movie of all time good. Yeah.
Wow really trapped in amber, huh? Really? the the the sensibility the look man the the sort of the Depressive pixie dream girl of it all well. Yeah, some of layer being a You know, I'm a little mopie mooring.
Yeah, she's just a mopie mooring So so fucking sad. Yeah, but I'll tell you what you get you put a fucking polaroid in that girl's hands. She just like lights up Give me a polaroid camera, please. I know we have digital cameras now, but I just like the ad log of it It's so it's so of its time like God, you know, and they go on that coffee date.
Yeah, right? They don't show it, but when she orders she get the name. She gives us send your Rita awesome. Oh You've seen that right?
No, it's from like I think it's from like scream queens or something So it's like very tongue-in-cheek the show scream queens. Yeah, but there's like a it's like a meat cute moment where a girl walks in And she's like can I get a double you know, like I get a pumpkin spice latte double pump and all about it gives like a long order Whatever, she's like she's like I'm just kidding. I hate those those white girl coffee orders I just get a I just get a coffee. It's like okay.
I'm what your name. She's like smirks and goes seniority to awesome It's very funny. No, it's funny. I don't know.
Maybe it's funny. It's brutal. Yeah, it's like getting it's like getting your ass kicked Feels like getting the shit kicked out of you, but it is funny. Yeah, it is from screen queens you watch screen queens No, I've just this is just a clip that gets passed around a lot because it is insane like her outfits insane.
Oh, man That's okay. I can't believe you know, so sorry. You deserve this. You deserve a little scenery in your life So by a Skylar Samuel's character grace gardener Actual cringe Yes, I being told it is actual cringe.
Mm-hmm. Okay Then what's cringe what's cringe to you? Oh? Fine cringe don't even don't even get me started.
I won't never mind You're right never mind. Yeah, that what's this is a positive show. Let's be positive on the show Oh, it's a great awesome. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm distracted now. You don't have to watch it. You can watch it my own time Okay, I encourage everyone to watch send your eat awesome No, we're talking hellboy 20 24 that's not how you say it 2004 the aughts You know, it's funny. I'm watching Yeah, you know I'm watching like rewatching 30 rock and that is another show that is kind of frozen in amber Funny for sure the jokes are there's still a lot of really funny jokes in it The ones that aren't time specific the ones that aren't like calling out specifically like I'm on I'm starting from the beginning Someone's season one, which is from oh seven so they're like talking about like George Bush and voting for Barack Obama and shit like that Pretty pretty wild pretty wild and then you know, of course It's you know, it's just up.
It's time. It's it's almost 20 years old most comedy ages like milk I feel I've rewatched that within the past couple years. I feel real good about it still It's really I mean, it's so funny. There's still like I said all the jokes that aren't about like current events I think are are sort of funny.
I find it very very hard to laugh at like any sort of current event from you know Oh seven knowing what happens? Knowing the end But the guy I can never remember his name a guy who played Alec Baldwin Pete Hornberger Scott adds it Yeah, he may be the funniest one on the show so great that yeah easily I think just like It's kind of MVP at all times. He's the most like tastefully shaded in the character I think I really like I really like I'm especially in those early seasons. Yeah, he I'm really paying attention to his character This go around and it's it's really funny.
Yeah, the most defeated man the most. Yeah, it's like talking about how he has He told his wife that he did get a vasectomy when he did not and now she's late and she wants to know why It's very good Anyway, for her three years earlier three years earlier Guillermo del Toro had a revolution area that scandalized us all What if what if he got to play with his little monsters now this little monsters my little monsters? I love my little monsters. I love my little monsters I'm gonna do a monster.
I what I said is this not something that he actually said no This is my impression of him right but someone else I was read I was trying to find it But it seems like somebody did tweet I love I love the monsters or something like that Oh probably yeah, and you know like in a they spelled it like in the way that you know it's not hard to have like a Horrific yeah, they spell it with the accent. They said it with the accent. Yeah, yeah So I wonder I must have just a sublimated that I don't know my own consciousness But yeah, I love the monsters or whatever. I love my monsters, which he does for sure Dan I mean this is gonna be a common thing that keeps I'm gonna keep saying here.
I just don't know about this game Well, they'll tell you I don't think he's got it. I don't think he's got it at all You know what I did I did the more like so today we're talking about Hellboy from 2004 And then this coming Friday on patreon.com slash king v pod We're gonna be doing the new Frankenstein 2025 right and I kind of feel Feel better about hellboy than Frankenstein, but I think they both kind of suffer from like this the way that like late stage Tim Burton is like this weird parody of himself. Yeah, I feel like your mo is somehow like a parody of Something else like a different guy altogether. You know interesting I feel like he's just always been a parody of himself and maybe that's what it is It always feels like we were texting a little bit about it before like it feels like he's trying to make a cult movie It feels like something is missing though.
They're like he's you know It feels like he grew up watching all of the you know the horror movies and whatever of these 70s and 80s And he wants to you know make his own thing and whatever else and they all seem like Just like a little bit too much of a copy of a copy or something and it's just a little watered down Or I don't know I don't know what the thing is what's missing But there's something always missing for me. Does it would you say he has no point of view? Should we tie on on the phone? Yeah, you don't have a point of use do we is that too mean that he has no point of view?
I think he has a point of view his point of view is that fish can be very beautiful men Yeah, I mean his point of view is I love my little monsters But look at me look at me like make him crash into each other in the sandbox in my play place. Yeah, I mean I think so whatever Guillermo makes a couple films in in in Spanish right in the 90s makes Chronos makes the devil's backbone these movies get like some some attention then he gets you get hired to do mimic Which is not a good movie It gets like fucking chopped to hell and and there's not whatever people don't like I've never I don't think I've ever seen it Maybe originally but like it's one of those things where he's like I try to make a different movie altogether and I had no control and And it just turned out to be a mess whatever then he does blade to which I think is pretty universally understood to be a The high watermark of American and well, I guess not American so Hollywood Hollywood. Yeah, yeah But even played to I like it, but it's no blade one. I'll tell you that.
Okay. I'm sorry. I know that um What's that weird fucker from Enoch cool news? You're I should know I feel like he's come up a lot in the past few months and I can never remember him the main guy Yeah, the problems guy.
Yeah, the guy with all the problems There's it he has a review you could probably still find it of blade two and it's just He's one of the bits of it is just like it feels like when you're getting your clits sucked And then you like you say to stop but then they just keep going man and that's that's how he sounds awesome Yeah, actually doesn't it doesn't have any problem. Yeah, I don't know a problem I don't know a problem see had even but surely we can agree that they're outweighed by how fucking cool and funny he is sure you know Which place so you know what though to be fair that is proto When you know but she keeps sucking yeah, no, I know so it's like but I didn't point for that I guess yeah, but saying it like a way worse way Yeah, why is it you got a right way, you know? You know you got a right what you know. Yeah Yeah, I think I wish yeah, I'm not gonna like quote it or anything.
Maybe I will if I find it anyway No, come on quote it. No, no, no come on. Come on. Just do it So yeah, blade to okay.
I'm sorry Blade to is the tongue mouth fingers and lips of a lover the audience is the clip Ten years why she still pones my taint slag right here. That's exactly the exact same fucking yes. Yeah, yeah writing Watching the audience begin to squirm and then he takes the audience's clip in his mouth and just looks it like crazy This is a film review This is not a you know penthouse forum over here. This is horrible.
It's horrible. So based on Guillermo just being just sucking clits People to say that about to like Guillermo who's he's just a boy. He's just a kid. I Just love my little monsters.
I just want to play with my little monsters. Yes. I want to do my homework Also Guillermo we've talked about the show masters of horror many times and what's his name the Garris Mick Garris put together all of those actual masters of hard dinners and as the story goes They were out at the first dinner with you know however many people were there and There was a table next to them that had a birthday and everybody sang and whatever and then Guillermo del Taurus stood up and said the masters of horror wish you a happy birthday, right and from there they became the masters of horror and Then we had the show etc. It's been slightly interesting We really is a drop for that We're just like hitting it every time you need to have a dose you need to be have control over it You're right you're right um was I gonna say yeah?
We just be hitting it's like in a competitive chess game where you have to like slap the Timer after you make your move. Yes You know what's so annoying about that he he had that locked and loaded on the driveover. Yeah, exactly like I think I have a bullet over us. I'm having dinner with a whole fan of horror The R&O del Toro guy I'm sure it seems like a nice enough guy.
What's your favorite del Toro movie? I mean probably a specific rim. Yeah, no I had it's like Pam's Labyrinth Yeah, I don't mind is probably Pam's Labyrinth also. Yeah, it's like kind of I only watched once so I mean same But I just feel like it's got the most meat on its bones like except for that pale fellow with it I bought on his hands.
No meat. Yeah, no meat a lot of skin on those bones all yeah Yeah, he's uh, because all he's his little teeny tiny fairies. Yes Yeah, that seems to be the one with I guess the most to say yeah, yeah, it's like the most Grounded in reality. It's the least playing with my monsters in my in my sandbox.
Yeah kind of a darker version of Alice in Wonderland Right Tim Burton Scott would like to have a word with you. I know how dare you how dare you say that mine is not the darkest of all Alice's if you heard you say that his hair would go would fall down to normal but fall into a pompadour That's how dejected he'd be he would look like a cool guy instead of an artsy guy Yeah, I'm all of his movies though. They feel like derivative Pacific Rim is just him doing like Kai juice and not particularly well. I don't think it's particularly well either people like that movie Oh, it's like mine again.
I saw when it came out and I was like that was fun That was fun enough sure and then I left and I don't think I thought about it till just now when you said it right? Yeah, the shape of water is don't even get me started It's the story of Abe Sabian fucking for the first time I love that he fell in love with Abe Sabian making Hellboy Yeah, couldn't stop thinking about him. I Was like what if I cake them up a little more a little bit more cake give him a fish dick Let him fuck get looking at the man fuck get Niles crane out of his mouth Yeah, I've never I've never seen a shape of order I I It it's whatever like you can watch it. It's even one best picture Remember this I know I know did tragic.
Yeah, there's a big plagiarism accusations section of the Wikipedia page Which I assume is a class action lawsuit from every like Amazon smart novel writer Yeah, I actually wrote this exact same story and self published it. It's 65 pages long And it makes me come every time I read it so I have to sue you now Someone told me they were in an uber and their driver was just listening to it's like a smart smart audio book I don't think you could do that right. I don't seem okay I wouldn't be my preference as a writer. No, no, but I like the energy trying to cultivate at least yes By the way, by the way, why is it so humid in this car?
Why does it look at the fuck car thought I ordered an uber X non-uber triple X? I ordered an uber X on uber sex. I thought I ordered an uber X One of two things happen Yeah, I have not seen crimson peak or Nightmare Alley I mean, I've seen I've seen the original nightmare alley the black and white movie which is good And I feel like if I see that this is an I don't think it is bad, but Guillermo del Toro I do believe he's one of those guys who's he's like I'm gonna make my house like a haunted house There's gonna be a swamp thing Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's gonna be a full-size swamp thing in every room Yeah, there's gonna be like an iron maiden in every room. Yeah, I think he's just like fully into like his whole life Is his little monsters?
I I think you're right. I think he has his whole house is like a Cabinet of curiosities, right? Like it wasn't that his show on Netflix. Yeah an anthology show.
See let's see Maybe I'm seeing here. Maybe the yeah, I do feel like that kind of mindset does sort of Put you in kind of a loop of only you know, you're like thinking it's like you're stuck on your monsters basically. There's no Yeah You have new monsters or just the old ones What if the old ones were a little different? What if they had a little something going on under the hood there?
They're a little more interesting or what if they fuck a lady and they're a fish. What if they're a fish that fucks a lady Stilly tugs. Oh kissing kissing is cold wet mouth with that egg breath. Oh, yeah Fish lips like wet cold fish lips, and then you're like what is that ransett rotten eggs?
I take me I must have you Yeah, take me now or not at all, please Hellboy written directed by Gerimo And written also credit Peter Peter Briggs who's this one? Pete Pete Looks like nobody Yeah, also creator of help boy Mike me me Nola McNola Have you ever read any help boy comic stand? No, it's always pretty pretty close to Some of the ones that I have read that is the fun thing about like this crop this era of superhero movies It's like them trying to figure out how how faithful you need to be and a lot of times They're like you gotta be way too faithful. Just how you gotta be too faithful?
Yeah, it's it's I don't know It's it's also weird time where the like Marvel is like they do blade or whatever which is the first one's a success And they do X-Men huge success, but those You know blade is like an R hard R rated movie X-Men is like You know they're they're doing like the black leather because they don't want to be too silly on screen with like the blue and yellow costumes And which eventually will become like you know whenever they do make the X-Men movie They're gonna be in the blue and yellow costumes get your ass. You bet your ass you bet your ass You got Spider-Man, you know same-timey Spider-Man coming out right around now too So which does feel like a how faithful can we make this exercise sure and then you know production companies are buying up like all of the sort of Ancillary Like who what other property whether comic book characters can we buy up? What's this hellboy guy all about? Yeah, hellboy also is this the year since city comes out because this this also feels like that moment Yeah, that sounds like it could be right oh five for since yeah, yeah, there you go Yeah, that's another one where they're like I mean since city.
I'm pretty sure it's a dark horse comic also Hellboy dark dark dark dark horse That's our course comic as well. I don't know Just a interesting time before like all movies were comic book movies sure Still figuring it out and then like a couple years before it actually like fucking really takes off It's crazy to think that like we have been getting super hair movies for that long I know like Superman was around the Superman the movie but it wasn't It didn't spawn fucking million other movies just like it. Yeah the original Batman movie It wasn't like it didn't do it. There was no there wasn't the powder keg that wasn't the spark that right you know And that would be Ang Lee's Hulk The great Ang Lee's Hulk Where the Mac?
No He plays the Hulk plays daddy Hulk I'm Hulk's dad so alright Hellboy starring Ron Perlman as Hellboy himself As himself as red Ron Perlman. Yes. He's right. Hellboy.
What can you tell me about Hellboy? Well, he's a demon. He's an antichrist. He is he's got a big old rock hand big rock hand It's sort of a he's got sort of a he's a bit of a bastard.
He's a bit sartonic He's kind of kind of sees through society's bullshit. Yeah, he's not a whiskey bastard. He's not really a whiskey bastard He's a baby Ruth bastard. He is a baby for the bastard He yes, what he's got like a top his hair in a top knot like a samurai Yeah, he does I like that even when he is like in the sort of vision of when he becomes he's like fulfilled his role as the antichrist Yeah, he's he keeps the top knot.
Yeah, you see him perched with his big horns. He still got the top top knot. Yeah Looks good. Yeah big big mutton chops big mutton chops big trench coat big gun It's fun.
Well, it's he makes himself. He has to the gun so big Yeah Ron Perlman, I think he's pretty good as Hellboy. Yeah, I mean look at him Yeah, I mean like kind of the role he was born to play Logically, yeah a big kitty cat or big red demon guy Who plays him in the in the recent? All right, so there are two recent ones David Harbor plays him in the 2019 version.
Okay, and then the There was one from like 2004 Directed by one of the one of the crank guys Remember crank never Chev Chellios Chev oh boy One of those guys made a crank movie was it or made a hellboy movie Hellboy the crooked man which is a man It's a it's really like low budget sort of Horror movie and perfect for Hellboy. What you want is a nice low budget? Well, listen, you know what when you read the comics Right some of the comics are like big sort of Hellboy fighting like big monsters and demons and shit like that Portals to other worlds, etc. And then other ones are just like kind of spooky ghost stories and whatever that he's dealing with I don't think I kind of like this.
Yeah, man one. Okay. See I know it. I know that about the comic I just assumed it was it was all rumps not all rumps.
No, no, there's some like darker stories that they play in the That world, you know that it's all the scary business Anyway, Jack Key Z is that's help by them movie 2024's help boy, of course Jack Key Z We all know him of course he wrote on the road. Yes. That's Jack Kerouac. No, and he also he wrote a one-flu over the coogers nest Wait, that's Ken Key Z.
Oh shit We're closing in on it. You watch yourself man fucking closing in on you. I don't know anything else that this guy is in Yeah, it says he's in the killer the Fincher movie as salesman. I don't remember that character.
I don't either He was something something I don't think it's super important. You don't recognize him from Deadpool 2 as well to as black Tom No, I don't So be a Deadpool help always kind of Deadpool. It's a little bit Deadpool He's a little bit Deadpool. They both have like a signature snack that they like it's true, right?
Yep, they have both cases. You're kind of like that's his favorite snack random Random Yeah Yeah, right like the baby Ruth Jimmy Chongas. Is our funnier word to say that Jimmy Chongas It's just like a if I told a comedy class I teach people that just some words are inherently funny right like Jimmy Chongas. Jimmy Chonga.
What? What does that even mean it's food that oh my god, that's correct. I don't get it all right I love it sounds like like we call it clowns penis or something Got Doug Jones in this here movie is Doug Jones Doug Jones, of course, we saw Doug Jones. Yeah, he was in a I was doing it like who is Mike Jones, but Yeah, he was in dies of the end terrible movie.
Yeah, the terrible movie. Oh Looks like he was a similar sensibility. He was in a 2023 version of no spheratu where he played who he played Let me see here. It says he plays no spheratu what?
Yeah, this guy is good. He was better than Scars guard. I Don't know what it would it. Did you have David Hyde Pierce's voice?
Yeah, I want to suck your blood Do I most Gosh, yeah Stupid I never need to see that I agree with you. Yeah, I mean we watched the original and then we watched the the Fucking Werner Herzog one from the 70s And I think both of those really nail it nail that story in two distinctly different ways and are great and in this new movie Also happened is historically accurate in many ways Yes, I don't what makes it joke funny is having it explain to me. Tell me the history of it. Yes All right, so he played Doug Jones plays Abe Sabien a fishman a blue fishman a Twinkin a tank.
You know twinkin a tank twinkin a tank loves eating rotten eggs. He's he can read minds He can touch dawphins learn about it from touching it. He reads five books at a time He is but he cannot solve that damn Rubik's Cube. That's funny But that's one another another fucking home run.
Yeah, no, no, and what else about Abe? It's he gets to leave the tank in a special suit, which I always love I do love when someone aquatic wears a special suit or vice versa such as sandy cheeks I think the I think Abe's look like his whole like the fishman prosthetics the whole the makeup and the effects of your look man This whole fish man thing. Hey, you got a whole fish man thing. I'm really I'm really feeling the fish man thing Yeah, I'm vibing with this.
I agree. Oh looks cool I agree. I think I also think I don't know all the practical stuff looks really cool in this like I really like a Where they say my all Sam. I'll say my all they all they like puppet stuff with that looks fucking cool Oh, it looks really good my little monsters.
Oh, no damn. I love monsters. I love my little monsters I love his little monsters. Yes.
Let's see we mentioned Selma Blair plays Liz Sherman Lisserman a pyrokinetic twisted fire starter. Yep. She has a bit of a fire starter blue fighter starter She can't stop exploding and burning vaporizing her classmates when she's in third grade Yes, and then she does it again a little bit later to everybody in the hospital that Yeah, the recipe in made her yeah, he did Resumes in this yeah, by the way, recipe didn't play himself. But Carl eroden This guy is I remember he was big in he was playing like bad guys in movies all through the aughts I remember him in the stuff.
He's and no, I guess he I haven't seen him a long time. It looks like he does love Films in his own country, but yeah, it's just like guy. I don't know John hurt as What's his name Trevor a Bruton home also a nickname broom? Just like basically help boys dad, you know when we get the backstory of him He like finds help boy when he's very young and help was just a little tiny guy and he raises them and becomes a pa help a pa Yeah, held daddy.
I can't I can't beat that Rupert Evan Evans as John Myers a What I would call a featureless guy kind of a faceless guy right of a gray man if you will He makes it through this entire movie completely undetected. Yeah, I think when someone Blair took photos of him We should have seen them develop and he's not there. Yes, it's like an invisible man thing where like it's his clothes But there's just no guy there He is really just sort of generically handsome and has almost no personality. Yeah, he's like he's boyish He's like a wide-eyed.
We're told he has a heart of gold. We're here. We're told he's gold Broom hand picks him yes to be hell boys sort of caretaker when broom dies Yes, the way broom dies at the middle broom dies the middle John John dies hurt. Yeah John hurts at the middle Yeah, um who else Jeffrey Tambor's in this Bit of a hell boy himself.
Yeah, it's not a good man He's finding it too. I know he's doing the Jeffrey Tambor thing. He is doesn't I just I don't know It's kind of a stupid character kind of just an annoying character But do you think it's nice one him and help way kind of figure it out when they talk about cigars when they bond over cigars? Yeah, I Think my that one I just I was just so done with this movie.
Yeah over two hours It's like two and five two ten believe it can believe it. I also could not believe it when I put this on I was like you know, I expected a breezy 90 minutes to fucking yeah, and then there are lots were dips and shit I'm like what are we do wing? I know I still feel like there's this fear with like the call the comic book stuff But like especially as they're sort of figuring it out. There's like a real need to Capture the lore of the characters from issue one to issue Whatever on screen.
Yes, like we can never just be like kind of dropped in the middle of things a little bit So instead of just like being like yeah, that's hellboy And this is the all and Liz well she used to be a crazy twisted fire starter And she's just a regular twist fire starter. Yes, or like and she's thinking about quitting again and that's her thing It's like we I don't know it feels like for even for as long as it is They still kind of bite off more than they can chew and like all the character stuff feels really papered on But also then I feel like I don't know that whole sewer sequence could have been like 10 minutes shorter probably that goes on forever forever ever yeah, there are some There are moments in this room like we got me wrapping up soon, right and you're like nope you got 45 minutes left Yeah, you're like hey Germel come on. We have to go with it. It's where it's time for dinner It's like just five more minutes just five more minutes with my little monster.
It's my little monster No, that's 20 minutes ago Germel just five more. No seriously just five or ten more minutes I also think this movie so anti-climactic with It goes on for so long and the end like the climactic fight and whatever just feels like nothing at all It's hard to yeah, like I don't know opening a portal to hell and then just fighting a big octopus I don't know feels like one beat too many Yeah, doing like a Lovecraftian thing and then yeah, and then yeah, yeah also Hellboy HB red does this does dispose of that big octopus in like two seconds like exactly what to do He does it. There's no threat to anyone's safety. Yeah Yeah, I think it's generally felt that the second Hellboy movie is better than this the golden army Which would make sense because then you're like everything's already established we have our team We don't have to do any of that stuff anymore We could just kind of get to the adventure which is what I know Dan you hate sequels But what I like about some sequels is that we've already already done all of our homework And now we could just have fun with our friends here, you know they've front loaded the world building.
Yes, so I hated this one Yes, I probably love this equal. You might like this equal Who that's a very basically by anybody else's yeah. Yeah a bunch of nobody's Biddy hudson You'll say it must be said her name is Biddy hudson. Yeah, and that's her name not the character's name His ilsa hudstein Ilsa as a you know a female Nazi name Dan are you familiar with the 70s sort of Nazi exploitation films like Ilsa she wolf of the SS?
I've heard of this. Yeah, you know, okay where it's like there Yeah, she plays like some sort of Nazi officer in a concentration camp and it's also like a sexploitation movie So she's like you know fucking guards and prisoners and things like that You know pretty pretty tastefully done if you ask Sounds like they yeah, they successfully sort of tap dance through that mine Yeah, but no nothing the nothing to see here really there no third rails touch in the movie oops all third rails That's I mean that's kind of That has to be the like every time there's like a Nazi a female Nazi. I feel like she's just named Ilsa Yeah, that's true. Isn't that the the Nazi girl's name in Indiana Jones last crusade to she's I remember the one that him and his father fuck Ilsa Ilsa Ilsa my son's to game not half as strong as mine But I will slap you across the face.
Oh, you will but she's a Nazi. So how may I can you be? It's allowed. That's not why I'm doing it Oh, come on man.
I gave you an out dude. I Have to stand on my principles Pulls up being a bad man. No good. No good people out there.
That's not in Scotland Whatever Whatever Okay, they're breaking even they break I guess you could say the jury still out on the on Scotland. Yeah, that's fine I'll take it So this movie hell boy It starts it opens with some it's World War two It's nineteen let's see 44 World War two things are things are not going great for the third Reich. Yeah things are starting to fall apart. They're getting yeah Right, that's like in the in like the the text cards or whatever.
It's like things are getting weird because they're getting kind of Get a little sweaty over there. Yeah, so they're like they're grasping at straws here Yeah, the guys who are into like, you know esoteric like magic with a K the occult the occult. Yes those guys are sort of you know We're just throwing anything anything at the wall and seeing what sticks which apparently is true, right? It's completely true.
Yeah, there's like there's a lot of that It's like I don't know this this reality thing is it working. Can we do any magic to help us out? But I think that's also true of like the FBI and CIA like the they're like the American security and intelligence. Do you know about the What is it called the gateway thing?
I'm doing the gateway thing. I know I know This has been our segment mildly specific It's called like out of the gateway papers or something like that. It's these it's all this it's This proven thing right from the CIA. It's it's like the men who stare at goats kind of shit Where it's like astral projection and you know things of that nature Trans a transcendental meditation and reaching a higher plane of existence being able to maybe spy on your enemies Asterally astraly.
Yeah, so you're saying they prove this works or it's just is proven that the CIA pursued all of this I think both Apparently it's listen man. I didn't do it. I don't know. All right.
Well, that makes me just very skeptical of David Lynch Well a big TM guy. Maybe he's just like you should be maybe he's like I don't know it's sort of like they got everyone on iPhones. Yes, so that they could track it Maybe he's like you have to jack into our network I work again The gateway experience I'm gonna send this to you then it's a it's a CIA dot gov PDF. It's all about this experiment They're always up to stuff these guys.
They're crazy. Yeah guys never forget have you heard that these guys are up to things Never forget Fidel Castro is exploding cigar One of the funniest things in the world never not be funny. Yeah, gotta try it What's the harm in that? Yeah?
What if it works? No, it only costs a lot of it works and it costs us like ten bucks, you know It'll be a black guy about it assassination never So so it's World War two 1944 World War two the Nazis are grass but it straws here We have US soldiers Invading this island. It's all dark and rainy and shit and they're being they have like their commanding officer, right? and they're sort of being led by between him and and broom right a young broom and Broome is into all this a cult shit and he knows that you know the Nazis they're gonna be trying to open up this gateway to hell on this island and You know these this Colonel guy.
He doesn't believe it He's like this is all bullshit. Nobody's here and then they like basically round a corner and there's just Nazis everywhere It's just places lousy with Nazis so they you know they post up. There's this huge sort of flight and a Rasputin the the you know the Russian. Yeah the Russian mystic mystic.
Yes, of course. What was the I forget the family the whole like oh the Roman Obseum and a sage a lot of it. I love this just throughout history a weird guy can show up Yeah, and just like just leech just like get in there. That's right in there He does it really does Rasputin is in real life He they tried to kill him in like a bunch of different ways So I feel like stabbed him they shot him cast right on like poison all these yeah I think everything they say in this movie is true.
Yeah Which that's fun. They just couldn't they didn't try like you know just cutting his head off or anything If I know anything about human beings we've been killing people for a real long time and I'm skeptical of how these guys were going about it because Yeah, I mean to quote. I don't know how to do it dude. It's a quote scary movie three.
We're powerless without our heads. Yes So whatever that's just like it feels like rich people not it's like oh you got poison I mean I do like a cloak and dagger you gotta like find him in the ballroom and right? Yeah, I'm or whatever right and that's the other thing right like you poison him I like did he did you really you stabbed him but like did you stab him anywhere vital did you shoot him anywhere vital you know all these things whatever so Is that they the Rasputin is leading this this occult ceremony to open the game with a hell He's wearing he's got a big Sort of like a big old it's it's a proto Hellboy rock hand. It's got like lights and shit.
Yeah, it's a synthetic Hellboy rock hand Yeah, and he's opening this portal his girlfriend Elsa is there. She loves it She's so into Nazi stuff and his weird occult business I mean Rasputin the historical Rasputin famously a stick man big stick guy just like this gross guy who didn't shower or anything acted weird said weird shit yep, and it was drowning in pussy could yes Couldn't kill them that way either by the way. They tried to drown him in pussy. He survived and he survived Stronger.
Yeah, he said more weight, please What if this movie is exactly the same except it's Giles Corey working with the Nazis Yeah, I really was a witch it was a witch and he's flat now. It's really kind of one guy's just full of sand Yes, I was getting to the sand guy. There's there's another Nazi guy who's is that Cronin? I don't know over Sturm Ben Fure.
Yeah Carl Ruprecht Cronin. Yeah, that's him. Yeah, he's uh, he's like a Mechanical man. Yeah Is that music or something?
I was it really loud? No, I can hear it. I didn't know if that was on my under your head No, Bay is watching a loud video. That's fine.
I don't want to upset Bay No, I'm doing it. I'm being nice about it. Could I trouble you? Could I turn that off?
Turn your volume down Bay, I love you two clicks two clicks All right, we're close the goddamn door Or maybe go outside Shivering So cold is it cold by you? Yeah, it's free. Yeah, it makes sense. You're not very far away and you're right you're right by an ocean.
Yeah Not so that's uh This Cronin guy Carl Ruprecht Cronin. He's got a big metal mask. He where he's got these I think they're called like the they almost look like like metal sword versions of Police batons. Yeah, right?
Yeah, same like handle coming out the side of the handle. Yeah, and then you go like swing them around and use them like that That's like his deal He's also a really bad guy and maybe mechanical he becomes mechanical. He's yeah He has definitely a key that he has to like crank within himself. It's a wind himself up Yeah, just to keep things going he's like Jeff was his name Chev Chellios his bit of a chev Chellios Oh boy, I'll go on my heart off Like I don't want me hot up Then I'll have to do all this crank So whatever they they open up this portal to hell which is not a portal.
It's like a sport of space We see like a giant squid like creature. It is another dimension. It's another dimension It's it's but it's like a Lovecraftian sort of creatures as giant, you know unimaginable, you know, unimaginably big thing That they're trying to bring over into our dimension. Of course, you know our The US army here they intervene they everybody big fight breaks out kind of a funny innovation by Lovecraft to be like What if it was even bigger than that?
Yeah, what if it was? With picture something picture the biggest thing you can think of bigger than that. Yeah No, no, no bigger like two scre two skyscrapers bigger. Oh geez more weight Yeah Anyway, yeah big standoff big stand off well more of an active firefight there.
You know, there are some cool cool shots here There's a there's a shot like that a Carl Cronin guy with him like he's got these knives these knives like shoot out of his wrists, you know Yeah, yeah, I don't like it's all going to shit. It looks it looks evil looks bad, you know, yeah Bad ass whatever there this big fight a recipe is like sucked into this portal Looks rough for him. Yeah, it's like folded in half backwards looks painful He gets pulled in like the bully in it. Yeah Holding the sewer tube.
Yeah, you get exactly and you love to see it with the recipe and or bully Hey speaking which next week we're gonna have to be talking about We have to go to dairy dairy mean I really want to do this Maybe I refuse 10 10 refuse. I might refuse just watch the first episode Watch it. Yeah, watch it. I know I know Yeah, dude, I don't know I like you ever think about all the wasted hours.
Yeah all the time eight eight more hours You know what I was thinking Dan about the waste of time No, that uh, you know, like whatever wasted my time doing this I'm like what I'd be doing anyway Yeah, we were talking before start recording what normal people get up to whatever like I don't want to do that I don't want to like I mean some other way what I get like a new salesforce certification I'm gonna I'm I'm completing my six Sigma. I'm actually bone chilling. It's bone chilling. It is so yes I'm sorry, but this is how I would prefer to waste my time There's got to be a third option a third place maybe we use a space.
I've told you my George Carlin Upside a downloading thing for that, right? No, what is it? I eat fourth meal in a third space? Well, yeah, yeah side of downloading the downside of up streaming.
Yeah, it's the yeah the upside of downsizing and the downside of uploading That's what's crazy about it. Like what are you talking about? Well? I Know at that point it means nothing.
You're just you're just doing opposite things You're just saying the opposite words. Oh man. We we got to write our own one of those Remember that guy who had one of those that from our local open mic comedy scene? Yes Oh my god, there was a guy doing it.
There was a guy that did a version of that where it was just You know turns a phrase cash, you know like cliche's or whatever that he just went on a It went on for at least two minutes probably longer I I kind of remember him going like all right, you know You have five minutes and at the end of him going it was like five minutes Right it was sort of like and the way it made me feel is like as though someone had thrown a bunch of fire crackers in the middle of the Room it was like that disorienting like why did why did would someone do that? Oh my god? You spent so much time on that watch it till memorizing it oh Yeah, all right, so this whole thing right, okay, sorry, okay It's the upside of downsizing and the downside of upgrading. Oh, we've been doing this wrong this whole time.
That's actually good Yeah, this is this is the most annoying thing. I've ever seen my light. I'm reading it Rob Dan the whole thing is about how he's a modern man. Ah, of course.
No modern man I'm a modern man a man. We don't have to get into it. No, dude But you should it know you should at least know that he interfaces with his database and his databases in cyberspace I This is yeah, and they say so I'm interactive. I'm hyperactive and from the from time to time I'm radioactive and I can like hear the laugh That's yeah Oh Truth to power you love to hear it you do.
Oh, yeah, yeah, so Hellboy yeah, so they close up. They blow up the portal goes away and Cronin escapes Cronin he does escape Elsa escapes as well and And What's the same room room? See's a little guy well, yeah, he's like we got it that portal was open for way too long We got checking nature. Nothing got through yes, and some got through all right help We got through a little hell boy a little guy And the officers like the soldiers start shooting at him because they're like get shoot that that ape and which doesn't make any sense Either when they're like it's an ape kill it like it's red the color of the devil.
Yeah But then brooms like no, he's a good guy trust me. Let me give him a baby Ruth And then he does and then they they take the picture I like I do I like that you know there's this picture of like all these soldiers standing there and then help boy I also like that help always read even though it's in black and white. Yes, like he's that red That's how ready is that's how fucking ready is and then cut to present day. So this is like 60 years later and We get this one John Myers.
Oh, no, this is when uh, it cuts to present day and Uh, we got these guys these people like sort of they're exploring through like ice caves and shit And this guy that's leading is like this is it This is where you want to go and then somebody stabs him right through the fucking chest and it's blood It fills in I love this you love whenever one of this happens There's like grooves in the floor in the blood fills the grooves. I definitely remember it in blade two There's a scene like this is there also one in underworld field gone. I'm a good tough B. Got top top top fat That's probably how you rehydrate.
Uh, what's his name a victory? No, I'm going to rehydrate a victor and he's gonna I'm going sorry rehydrate Victor Victor's a bit dried out now, but just you wait till I rehydrate him. Oh, I I'm going to be hydration It's my Kate Beckinsell impression. That's what she sounds like folks That's why my Terry Jones impression Oh Like So yes, it's one of those floors with a bunch of grooves in it that he got a poor blood into Simply must go still a little maze and then it makes a guy and that guy is rescued.
Yeah, Rasputin arises from a puddle of blood. Yes Sorry, uh, it's like I seem like Aaron something who's a singer puddle mud. Oh, I'm thinking of stained stained is Aaron Lewis Who's now a country guy who's he's like a right wing super right wing. Yeah.
Yeah, he's very ain't nobody gonna tell me how to live Yes, he's very try that in a small town. Oh, yes I think he has a song called my grandpa's gun if I don't if I'm not mistaken, which sure is a cool song Hey Aaron, how about you take your grandpa's gun and put it in your own mouth? I want you to taste the barrel of that That old gun of yours. Yes.
Whoa How many people would you guess have been in puddle of mud? Been in puddle of mud. Is that one of those bands where like it's just like the front man who stayed and like everybody The rest of it is just rotating through it seems that way. Yeah, 18 former members listed on Wikipedia too much Yeah, it's just west west scantling Scanlan, there's um There's some video of West gallon doing an acoustic version of one of his songs, you know, uh, they had that song uh she fucking hates me The classic butt rock that that's what that is right there Um, and it's bad his acoustic for end to the original end all of it whatever Uh, what was I?
Puddle of blood puddle of blood. Yes, Rasputin arises from a puddle of blood. Yes. What happened to your eyes?
Grigori what what happened to you? I say I gone by the way kronan and hopstein ill so they never get older Well kronan is like he's a machi he's a mechanical man. Yeah, he's full of sand Um, we see his face at one point and he's got no eyelids or lips. Oh spans old Great great shot though him rising on the on the table.
Oh, yeah with with the plastic. Yeah, it looks it looks friggin fantastic There are some really cool shots in this. Yeah, well and like there there are some fun really fun moments. I will give that um I also I there's really no explanation why she does.
I think it's just like I think it's just because it's like Rasputin dark magic. It's just dark magic. I think it's just my cheeks really into the way that you look now Yeah, do not want you to age so I'm just gonna You think he told her that he was casting an evil anti-aging spell or if he was just like I think it's a pretty easy sell I feel like keep it tight, you know The whole thing I'll suck damn Yeah, that's the thing about that's the thing about also I keep coming up from a puddle of blood. No eyes.
She stays the same age. Yeah, buddy Um, so the uh, there's a funny moment where broom now very old man is walking down the street and he sees like an interview show and Jeffrey tambour is like some sort of a an FBI director, right? Some sort yeah, he's being asked about the About hell boys like what what's up with this hell boy character? And then like then they show this like blurry picture and tambour is like what is it with a big foot and a lock-and-a-smoster and uh, Was it hell boy right?
Why why are these photos always so blurry and big laugh from the audience, right? And then he says I just want to tell everybody the american people right now that there is no Was it bureau of like paranormal research and defense? Yes research and defense and cut to uh, you know a building that says par- you know bureau of the paranormal research and defense, yeah, and I believe it's in new work new jersey, right? It's in new work new jersey.
Uh woke up this morning got yourself a gun Yeah, a big old hell boy gun Um did uh, I've been to new work. Mm-hmm. There's no part of new work that looks anything like this. No Um, it's just this building this like sort of like in a state.
Yeah building with like a big fence around it All of this by the way this whole movie essentially was shot in Czechoslovakia really yeah All the studios all the the sets and all that shit. So there's that um and it looks more like that than new jersey Yeah But anyway, uh and there's a guy who pulls up and that's this is john Myers. This is the new guy There's gonna be hell boys like new uh human liaison and take brooms place maybe but he pulls up and you know it makes Bell there's this whole like thing you know, he goes in that security guard asking a couple of questions and then he there's a An elevator right in the middle of the floor platform that just starts sinking down and he goes underground to the space meets meets up with broom Oh, well first he sees a piece of in the tank And then he meets up with broom and they talk to give Abe a couple rotten eggs. He's like he loves them Yeah, like a seat to him.
He sees a gross fish man. Um, and then uh Yeah, we meet yeah, we meet help boy. We meet hb and uh, yeah, he's got a bit of a wicked sense of humor Um, we're told he's sort of like projecting that at least even if Even if he's not doing anything saying anything funny. He's yeah, he's we meet him He's smoking a cigar pumping iron pumping iron.
Yeah, um pretty cool. Um You know, I recently joined a gym. So maybe I'll Is it a yeah, I was gonna say cigar friendly gym. Yeah, well, I'm well, I'm lifting weights and huffing and puffing Maybe I'll huff and puff on the goal.
See guard Um Right, it's psychotic blows. Yeah, today's uh today's legs back and cojibas tomorrow tomorrow I got arms and macanudos Uh, so the only two I think I know that's all right Very funny. I'm so embarrassed. They just added myself.
I don't even know that much about cigars You don't know shit about cigars. They don't even know uh Monte Cristos. Oh, like no, I do know Monte Cristos. Oh, or um sort of the beginners cigar acid Acid cigars.
I've never even heard of that You know, I saw more of a Dutch master's guy myself. I just love them. I just I smoke a duchess That is true about uh My little friends when we were like my little monsters my little monsters when we were in like eight seventh and eighth grade We no one wanted to smoke cigarettes. So we get disgusting cigars meant for deconstructing and filling with marijuana But we just smoke them for real.
Yes Uh, I I mean I still I've not smoked a cigarette, but I've smoked many cigars Um, and yeah when I when I turned 18, which I think you have to be 21 now to to buy tobacco But you do when I was 18 I was allowed to buy tobacco That was the first thing that I did was buy little tiny cigarillos. Oh, yeah, Romeo Ihouliata Yeah, I think the ones that I got were this is a funny story But the ones I got were like sherry or vanilla flavored, you know, they dipped yeah the kids flavors kids flavors Yes, um, and I remember asking him like the guy behind the camera like how was this and he said it was a tasty little smoke and And you guys have friends that was uh Almost 25 years ago and I will never forget it tasty little smoke. I still said like with somebody Yeah, somebody asked me how a cigar is I will tell them that it is a tasty little smoke Oh, what do you know about that? Tastes a little smoke She's small beers It's very few small beers A few small beers I'll give you that movie Dan come on.
Oh, I loved it. I freaking loved it. Of course. For the listener.
I just watched oba Yes, one battle after another. Uh, I liked it This pussy does not pop for you. Yeah, that's cool thing to say. She's a cool thing to say She's she's really cool that chase infinity What a star the daughter.
Oh the daughter. Yeah. Yeah, she's so good. She's so good.
Yeah Yeah, don't know it with her and Sean Penn like when he's doing the paternity testing. It's really yeah crazy Um, he's like he's like he's doing it so broad. He's really going for it. I don't hate it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's he just I saw your view of it when he looks that cool.
That's like so that is I forget who did it But there's footage of like a bush administration official. Oh really like like doing that It might be like rum spelled or something, but he does that really puts the whole fucking comb in his mouth and then combs his hair Yeah, I mean it all all of those guys they feel like they're supposed to be like analogs or other people, you know, like real real folks. Yeah Love it. Love all those christmas losers there Christmas adventures.
I am a christmas adventurer. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. It really makes me want to read Thomas pension Yeah, because I'm pretty sure Thomas pension books are like all that scene.
Yeah, you know, like it's it's it's loosely adapted from vine land Which right might be cool. I have no I have no way of knowing Unless I were to listen to a friend of the show john semilly's podcast slow learners where they talked about it I know I feel like I have to read the book first and then I can listen to that show. Yeah, and you're an audio book guy That's like a Not like fiction though. Okay with fiction.
I like to actually read it. Yeah. I think he got it with that There's so many names flying around and they're all crazy. Yeah, they're all everyone in those is named like buster melotron and Everybody's named jungle pussy.
Yeah, literally. Yeah, what's her what's your name like? Uh, something Beverly Hills Perfidia perfidia Beverly Hills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, truly everyone's named that in this books.
That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's pretty cool, man Um, but hey, what if people were named things like it help boy and Abe Abe sapien. Yeah, so whatever we meet help boy Um, we get our first help boy mission. The alarms go off There's there's a goings on at the museum.
So they have to ride into town Um, they the song uh the nick caves on red right hand such playing as they they roll in you like that because Elba's got a big old red right hand. Yes Just putting it together. Uh, no they go to this museum thing and help boy goes in of course And he's looking for some sort of demon he sees there a bunch of dead security guards like half eaten, right? and uh Then he sees like this this ugly demon sort of guy hanging from the ceiling and he's like you ate all these guards and their boots and stuff You're gonna need a lot of fiber to move that that's not really a joke.
No, that's the kind of humor though that we're dealing with here Yeah, you're gonna need a lot of fiber to move that Okay, um, and then they fight these guys and and he starts shooting at this as beast and he shoots it And he thinks he's killed it, but he has not and it continues on and on Uh, the thing actually latches onto him for a split second and uh gets his non non rock hand Um, and uh, but then he's thrown out of window and lands on the street and uh, and this where we see raspbian He's like, uh, you are You know something about like fulfilling your prophecy and all this kind of stuff And uh, yeah So this creature gets away, right and we find out the creature's name is samuel samuel. I don't know how you say Samayel samayel Um, it's others escape Um, and it can't it he's like uh, what does it called like the something of resurrection the prince of resurrection such like that? So we just like can't be killed. Yeah, well, is this is it later with the the subway thing with the real?
Okay, okay? Yeah, we learned not only can he not be killed, but if you kill him quote-unquote, he just turns into two of him Oh, no, I guess that is right now. Okay. Yeah, yeah, they they chase him into the subway and then yes, uh through fighting or whatever Uh, fry him on the third rail and then yes, he just sort of splits into two samayels Um But he also but he also makes eggs He does make eggs.
Um, not rotten eggs for ape samayem, but no Like little babies like row. Yeah kind of like row big row they uh We mentioned oh red sand. Yeah, it was good. Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead. You mentioned it. Uh, uh, I'm just long for the ride, baby Um, well for help boy also before he goes back to the hospital to get patched up. He stops off at a Wherever Liz is it's like a a loony bin.
It's a loony bin. She's a loony bin Uh, it's a mad house. Uh, she is certified Uh kukubin as when we meet her she's wearing an apoline hat. Yes Um, she's carrying a rubber chicken around with her She has those headbands with an arrow going through it But she uh, yeah, she he goes to help ways in love with Liz.
He's got all kinds of uh in his room He has like videos of Liz just playing all the time. Uh, a little obsessed much Uh, not cool, man. Uh, not cool, bro. Um, give her her a space, man Maybe you should uh, sit down and listen When she says she's not interested.
That's a good idea. Anyway, uh, but then he goes back to the hospital He gets patched up and when uh, when they're looking at his wounds that aren't healing He sees they see that there are two eggs that have been laid in his arm Um, and he's like how long did this thing latch on you? He was like two seconds. He's like, oh, that ain't good This thing is going around laying eggs.
Um So that's bad for everyone. Um What else we got uh, bro, he's not doing good, right? He's like he's fucking slowly dying here. Yeah, we do Yeah, he's got six weeks to live.
His doctor tells him that's not very much time at all No, uh for all the things he wants to do. Yes, like kill gregory, resputin. Yes Um Let's see Myers Myers just had a gouts about this whole thing. He's like he doesn't care about all the weird shit He's just like help.
It doesn't like me He just doesn't like me. I was like, bro. It was like you have to be the one You're so good. You're such a good boy.
It's so weird, right? It's like you are the chosen one. You're the only nice enough guy You're the only nice guy in the FBI You're the swellest guy in the in the FBI and even Abe is like, yeah, I just did a mental scan of you You're a good egg. You are.
Yeah, and they start licking his lips. Well, actually he's like it's nauseating That yeah, it's a good egg. If you were rotten egg. Yes, I would be I would want to eat you, but you're not so well We have no further business.
Yes. We it ends here. Um, we we see uh, we get Uh, Liz's backstory too We there's a flashback of her as a little girl and some kids are picking on her and then she goes twisted fireside around them and Esplosiones all of them four kids dead four kids dead. But what yeah, she goes Esplosiones There's like five.
It's a pretty Ohio. No, sorry. Go on Uh six seven um the I did a six seven to somebody What does it mean done? It's nonsense.
It means nothing, right? Yeah, it's just something the kids do yeah to like uh Create an in group sure everyone's acting like it's the worst thing that's ever happened is those kids aren't doing dumb shit Since the dawn of time. Yeah, this is what they do. They make up words.
Yeah, so all people don't know what the hell they're talking Yeah, it's twin language. What do you want? I know I had some one of the servers at where she's like 23 And she started going I'm doing this in the on the chat. Do you know what this means?
Um, I might be as you do terminally online I don't know any I'm not terminally on I'm not It means clock it down. Do you know what clock it means clock it like pay attention? No was clock it It means like uh means like period. It's like an emphasis Like if if you said something like hellboy is the fucking best comic or comic book movie adaptation Ever made I'd be like, uh, uh, uh, with my fingers.
I say clock it What do you know what this like is representing? Yeah, why I don't know that I don't I don't know Hmm interesting. I do know that one though pages needs was doing that to us when she can't visit. There you go.
Yeah, I forgot I was like not part of my life. Yes. I don't uh Things like that. It's it's that kind of disconnect where I'm just like I guess I'll just walk into the ocean now There's truly no country for old men here.
No, I like the perspective It gives me where my life just becomes more sort of like Observational. Yeah, well, that's true. I just get to like watch it happen. Yes.
Yes. I'm just an observer here Yeah, I'm a watu baby. Yes. I'm in my watu era.
I'm in my watu era. I I do not affect anything that is happening around me I am just watching just to say And when people and when young people look at me like when you look at a watu you're like, that's kind of weird Yeah, what a weird what a weird looking guy like a giant old baby Yeah, it's cosmic baby where i'm at, toga or something. I don't know. I'm gonna get a good look at it a lot too real quick I was his head so damn big.
Yeah. Yeah, he is kind of cosmic baby. That is good for him. Has he been in a Marvel movie?
Yeah, yeah I think he's popped up like cameo style in Marvel Filums good You know you big watu guy. He's one of the guys I know he's yes He's one of those guys is like I can't get involved. I just watch and then like anytime he pops up. He's like meddling in his house Fine.
Yeah, you know it just easier if I did it Okay, I watch this anymore. And that's my one thing Yeah, that's all I want to do all day is be like creepy voières But you're making me intervene right now anyway hell boy. Um john Myers goes to the loony bin to get Liz and say Liz We need you now more than ever broom is not well and would you consider maybe coming back and she's like no thank you pass this is when they go down to the sewer all these guys and You know Abe goes there's like this flooded area. It's this underground.
I think it was a what like train station Yeah, it's like sub subway like a decommission subway thing. Um and there he fights he has to fight with a samil Um and he swims away. He gets scratched and he's very scared. He's not a fighter at the safe city and he's an intellectual Yeah Fish brain.
Yeah, all of these they go down there with like other FBI agents who are all just Star Trek terms red shirts. Yeah, they are cannon fodder to die. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and at a certain point After it jeffree timbre says they only lost two guys which I was like is that right?
It felt like a lot more sounds like a lot more felt like they were just getting picked off left and right but yeah Yeah, they're guys who are like i'm going in you know because hell boy his whole thing is like they go on these missions and You know the FBI guys are they'll be like all right. I'll cover you six Well, you know they'll try to get tactical about it. Yeah, hell boys just like f this i'm one of a kind and he just goes off on his own Yes, just he is he's one of a kind he has one of a kind um Like that there was no reason to include it the hair plugs. Yeah, they're just like you get hair plugs He's like yeah, they're coming in okay, right?
This is like a little moment that they have um Dan He's a king alum agent clay. Yeah, he is in the running man 2025 as motel owner Oh, that's him. That's him. Of course of course a movie and a character we all remember very well Well, I mean you do you got it's the flop house right?
Yeah, it is a flop house. Yeah, um of course I remember him he uh He gets clay gets attacked by uh, uh, what's his name the the monster? Oh knife guy. I forget already cronin cronin Carl cronin um and gets stabbed like many many times, right?
He just keeps like stab stab stab stab stab Um and later on yes jeffree tambour says we lost two agents and agent clay is in critical condition not dead Not dead does it does he go on to die? I don't know they don't say it and he's not in hellboy too So I could I could imagine you get to like retire after being stabbed so many times. Yeah, there's gotta be a clause in the contract 47 stab wounds all kind of in the same spot. Yeah, um, yeah, my tummy is michad What else can I be staked our tar out of me?
Tell me I have to go back to work Hellboy fights samayel into the subway system with a bunch of civilians, right? Any uh, whatever he keeps Uh people see him right of course the hellboy and samayel this fight goes on I just feel like it goes off really long time now and it's not that interesting thing. Yeah, it's really not Uh, samayel is eventually hit by a train. Um, did you like that?
Hellboy is holding a box of kittens while he's fighting them? He loves cats. He does love cats. How much boy?
He's here both of us here a bit of a hellboy I'm kind of a hellboy cat daddy. I didn't like it. What the cat? I don't know this little quirks that you can just be like He's a renegade, but he's also got two quirks.
He loves kitty cats. He loves kitty cats and candy bars. Yes Um Yeah, then whatever hellboy, uh He tries to save clay. I think he gets there in time for to I guess save clay and get him back to the hospital, but whatever Um, so after this all happens, right that things are looking pretty pretty bleak.
Um, what's it? Uh, there's a What's the name Liz? Uh, Rasmine goes there works on his black magic and causes a mat causes Liz to explode and basically blow up and kill everybody in her mental institution Um, so she has to go back to the to the bureau of paranormal research and research and defense defense. Yes For I think she says the 14th time or something like that.
Right. This is she keeps doing this You can't keep doing it. I think you can I think you can in this particular part of the fbi. Okay, it's like where they're gonna backfill your position Well, no, I guess you could keep doing it.
Yeah, but like that I guess that's whatever We mean just like it's boring. No, you can't just keep blowing places up. Oh, that's true at a certain point Yeah, a certain point like something they're gonna have to put you in an explosion proof room or something, right? Like an explosion proof room.
What would that look like? What would that look like? Like a like a bank vault. Maybe so, you know fix the deal.
Although, but that's what they keep help William, right? Yeah, well didn't it also didn't save uh Audrey Horne. Well that well. Yeah, that's true too.
Uh, also You know, hell boy These two were kind of made for each other. Hell boy. He's from hell. He's already got like he doesn't care about fire He's like I love fire.
That's like my shit. And she's like I am basically made a fire and He's just like yeah, give it to me. Give me a fire, baby And they're both kind of like this world They both kind of like that they sort of look around. They're like this world.
Oh this world this world Um after the subway thing, um, they capture The body I guess of cronin And uh, they bring it back to like take part. I don't know what happens. It seems like oh, yeah cronin fake killed He like puts himself in like sleep mode He does put himself in sleep. It's self in sleep mode.
Yes, and uh, so they think he's dead He makes it look like I think he like stabs himself even makes it look like a mutual Yeah, yeah, you know they killed each other. Uh-huh and yeah, so broom has him out of his cool, uh, give suit his gimsuit and his uh Punk helmet, uh-huh, and they are yeah, he's like kind of going through the run He's like yes, he peeled all the skin off his face because he's a state-of-mass against yeah because he's Because he's one of those you know, he's one of those guys one of those Nazis He's one of those Nazis He's like I need to be able to see everything at all times. I can't even close my eyes in a blink Um, I'm made of sand, baby. Um, he also uh, they take that little clock thing out of his chest the winder Which I think it looks cool.
It's all uh, it's all very steam punk. It is. It is which is cool Steampunk is cool Guys steam fuck is cool. Come on You big steam punk guy.
Oh, man. You know how many fucking pocketwatches I have Top hats with little goggles on with the pressure gauge Yeah, top out with the pressure gauge. Yeah, uh, a top hat that fucking has a little steam spout So it's always steaming sunglasses that are somehow more round than a circle Perfectly round. Mm-hmm.
Yes. Um One of those uh crow masks that doctors used to be The plague plague mask. I'm sorry mask, of course Um, so Hellboy escapes his room. Uh, well wait.
I'm sorry. Myers says he brings him his food and then he's like well, I gotta go I'm uh, I'm going uh taking Liz out and uh, help was like he gets real mad. He's like fuck you Don't want to talk to you. I'm liars and uh, yeah, john Myers takes Liz out for their little coffee date.
Hellboy escapes to follow them Uh, it's all This I mean all of this I feel like could have been cut But it's based it's just to show that nobody is back home watching the watching the farm here So when kronin wakes back up and suits up and does all that shit Um, he's able to to kill broom without anybody else being around Um, except for resubyun who has held up there Resubyun is like a ghost or something and he can do whatever he wants. Yeah, he's got he's got an octopus living inside his body He does Um, which is okay. I guess Um, it's not for everybody but no people who it is for it's they really like it. They're into it.
That's their thing So fucking I don't know what they want like Uh, he's resubyun is talking to broome. He is like, you know, he whatever you you think of hell boy He is, you know, he is a demon. He is uh, he will be the harbinger of everybody's doing well this shit And uh, he's like he says I'm like what do you call him or brooms? Just like I just call him son Awe, uh, daddy And uh, and then you know, resubyun is like don't worry It'll be quick and then crone and just stabs him like through the back of the fucking base of his neck Yeah, he's with his neck.
It's fucking ices him. Harley. Yep. Um, Yeah, and then you know, whatever they have the funeral for for broom Um, yeah, and carrying you know, carrying, you know, we get like close-ups on all the casket guys Yeah, what do you call it?
Paul bearer. Paul bearer. Yeah, of course Paul bearer. Yes.
Um, he should have been one of them Hell boy or Paul bearer. Paul bearer. Yeah, one of them but yeah, it's uh, it's like what's his name? John Myers Yeah, Myers roll my eyes at that.
It's Myers. It's Jeffrey Tambor. It's someone else we know too No, Abe should have been Abe. Um, but yeah, it's like we got like close-ups on them Like we're really supposed to like feel these guys pain.
Yeah, we don't that they lost their friend who by the way We know John met him Less than certainly less than six weeks ago. That's as long as it could have been. Yes Um, yeah, well, I mean like We're getting to like the fucking climax here. Uh, basically Uh, recipient is like I'm uh, my full plan is in effect here.
I have the artifact the doorway essentially to open up the uh, you know, the portal Um, so that's good. I just need Hellboy's big rock hand. Um, and yeah, they they fucking they set out to um, uh To to fucking go get it. Um There's there's a lot of stuff between Hellboy and Liz right like the romance kind of stuff and um There's that scene where she goes to his uh apartment slash prison cell Yeah, and the floor is littered and love notes.
He's attempted to write her. Yes, right? And he tries to tell her how he feels and think just chickens out, right? He does.
There's that whole thing Like what's a what's a word for need and he's like, oh needs a good word. I had too needy Um, but yeah, like she's she's in a very sad kind of vulnerable place and he's just like it's like listen. I'll never Was he say he's like I'll always be there for you and I'll never You know, never stop fighting for you or whatever. Yeah, um, so Hellboy Liz uh Myers, uh, Tambor does Abe go or is Abe stays behind, right?
Abe, I think has to stay behind. It's too cold It's too cold. He gets he'd get a fish freeze. Yeah, um, you know like gortons Be like gortons over there.
Yeah calm Gordon Yeah, we would we would have to call because we'd have to call him Gordon Um Like you know like a Canadian um Would they go to uh, you know where this like first they go to a cemetery and he's like they're looking for a place So he's like let me ask one of these guys and through magic. He like re re animates a corpse Um like who's only half a corpse is just a torso Yeah, and he has a a new surround his neck and Hellboy like kind of straps him onto his back and this guy only speaks Russian. Yeah, I think they're in Russia. So that's a safe bet.
Um, and he's always saying like mean stuff But it's again if I had legs I'd kick your ass you giant. Yeah, he says if I like I'd kick you 2025 Yes If I like I'd kick you did you see that yet down? No It's all about how being a parent is the worst thing that can happen to somebody right it is it is Um, that's what it's about. Yeah, I mean confirming my prior beliefs Um, yes.
Yeah, if you already know that then you don't have to give it. I won't learn anything, but I might enjoy it Yeah, I don't know if you enjoy it. I don't know if you enjoy it. No, it really feels like Like a less fun version of uncounted gems really wow, but Pretty wrong.
Anyway, uh, so they they proceed on to this like mausoleum which leads down to a other space yada yada whatever, um, our group gets split up right and Hellboy and timbre and a red shirt guy they they go on to this They like are gonna cross this bridge It's the bridge where gandalf fights the big monster that turns him into gandalf the white it is that exact same bridge same sort of thing Um, and then that all these gears start turning and again because we are in steampunk village Yes, and hellboys like all right guys. We have to start going and jeff your timbers like no you don't move I'm in charge and then this big sort of pendulum hammer comes swinging and starts knocking off pieces of the bridge First first thing it hits is the red shirt guy who's now carrying the whoo corpse does he will home scream someone will home screams Oh, no, it's in uh, it's in the beginning the first one of the nazi's gets like sucked through the portal and Screams as he's like dematerializing I did I scream too. I don't want that to happen to me. No she worked on my will home screen.
Um I should work on bonding my molecules together tighter so that I can't be dematerialized Yes, no pumpkin bombs gonna get me. Sorry green goblin So hellboy and the tambour here they they proceed on and they they encounter cronin here cron attacks and this whole thing where uh, it's a whole thing this the floor opens up and they fall in their spikes Hellboy is able to grab onto a rope before he falls tambour is holding onto the side he pulls himself up and then Hellboy, you know, whatever lasso's cronin pulls him down into the hole and then he lands on all the spikes and all the sand Start spilling out and then help boy takes a giant gear because they're giant gears everywhere and throws it on top of them killing him I like jeffery tambour throws a little gear after it to do his part. He does Um, and this is where they have you know, he's hated hellboy this whole time tambour He's been giving him a hard time. He's like you are a problem You're you know, even if we get all of the monsters in the world there will still be one Right not a nice thing to say but he is yeah, he's like wow hb you saved my life back there Yeah, let me teach you how to light a cigar properly.
Yeah, you've been doing it wrong your whole life Like no, you don't use a lighter use a wooden match preserves the flavor is that true by the way Um, it supposedly but it doesn't really matter It's only if you're super hardcore about it. I feel like you'd get past the first couple puffs and it wouldn't matter at all matter at all You are correct. Yeah Uh, so often the other direction Myers and Liz are walking right and uh Myers Myers does the thing where he's like so uh, what uh What do you think of me and uh And she's like well, you know you and how about whatever else is well, what about us and she's like well red white It's all the same you're all yeah, you men men are all the same. Oh you men then uh, uh, And this one they they find uh, semiles like layer where there's a bunch of semiles and a bunch of eggies And they're like oh no it's a bad scene.
No, no, um and then You know, Liz radios for help when you go help and help boy starts like smashing through the floor Yeah, he realizes they're right above them. Yeah, so and he gets down there. He starts fighting all these creatures, whatever But even he's outnumbered. Yeah, it's a number man.