Help! My Spouse is a Narcissist!

We all carry at least a little narcissism in our hearts. We all show a few traits that belie underlying pride and entitlement. But what happens in marriages when narcissism is a defining feature? And how can spouses of narcissists learn best to cope with this issue? Ok let’s get into the topic of narcissism — which, actually, can be one that feels pretty hopeless. But this is the first time I’ve really examined how to work with a narcissistic spouse and I am glad that there is hope. It can be very difficult to live with narcissism and no doubt some of our listeners today feel the reality of this: but there is hope. What Does Narcissism Look Like? Narcissism either comes as a personality trait or traits — when we look at those you’ll probably notice that we all exhibit some of these characteristics at least on an occasional basis. For example, showing a sense of entitlement in your marriage — like you deserve to have something done for you by your spouse — but this does not necessarily mean that you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. NPD is a whole level above narcissistic traits. So let’s look at these traits vs. having a diagnosed personality disorder. Narcissistic Traits Narcissism as a personality trait is defined as: Belief in one's own superiority A sense of entitlement and a need for admiration from others Displays of dominant, controlling or manipulative behavior and a disregard for the needs of others So generally seeing yourself as above other people is the central issue. Narcissism does not always produce a universal sense of superiority but leads to narcissists thinking they are better in certain areas which they value. They may value their looks, success, wealth or some other form of ability but overlook areas where they might be considered lacking. Narcissists are often prone to extreme jealousy and have very fragile self esteem as their sense of worth is directly tied to their ability to feel and be seen as superior to others[i]. As soon as that superiority is threatened their sense of who they are starts to fall apart. Now just remember that any time we talk about abnormal psychology that it’s easy for any one of us to freak out and think — “Wow! That is me! I am so messed up!!” Especially for something like this. If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, as Verlynda and I are, and you understand that the Bible talks a lot about pride and you see the pride that exists in your life as I see the pride in mine, it can be easy to go from thinking we have the normal set of pride issues that come with our broken humanity to thinking that wow, maybe I have a huge personality problem. Stay calm. Think this through. Talk to the people who know you best and who will be honest with you. Take, for example, beliefs in one’s own superiority. Here’s a good example - I’m the guy who tries to nail the best parking spots when I go to the store. As close to the door as I can. I don’t park in any handicap spots — don’t worry! But when I nail an awesome parking spot there’s some major gloating that happens! But just because I do a few things like that, which involve the belief in one’s own superiority (“who’s the mac daddy for parking spots??”) or a sense of entitlement (“I deserve an awesome paring spot”) it does not mean I am a narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder I think all of us display narcissistic behaviors from time to time. A much smaller subset of the population would exhibit regular narcissistic traits or have narcissism as a more central part of their personality. That would make that person more challenging to be married to. NPD on the other hand is the most severe situation. This disorder affects about 8% of men and 5% of women. The DSM definition of NPD includes: Pathological personality traits such as antagonism, grandiosity, and attention seeking Impaired individual functioning due to unreasonably high standards and the need for approval from others in order to form a stable identity, Impaired interpersonal functioning due to a lack of empathy and intimacy So here we’re dealing with a sense of superiority so strong that it impairs the person’s ability to relate to other people, and also affects their own inner world due to the intense pressure to live up to their own impossible standards. Characteristics of those with the disorder include: An insatiable appetite for the attention of other people. Behaving as if they deserve special treatment. Commonly exaggerating their achievements, talents, and importance. Finding it difficult to maintain healthy relationships. Having fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success, power, and good looks. If they have to take advantage of others to get what they want, they will, without regret or conscience. Responding to criticism with anger, humiliation, and shame. One question you may be wondering about is “can narcissism ever be a good thing?” It sort of makes sense to think that loving yourself and having high self esteem may yield some benefits. Does that end up being the case? Well, narcissistic personality disorder (and to a lesser extent sub-clinical narcissism) is occasionally associated with moderate levels of distress, depression and anxiety for the narcissistic individual, but sometimes linked to high levels of functioning and mental wellbeing. So yes, it can be a bit of a mixed bag for the narcissistic individual. However, narcissism is consistently linked to very high levels of distress for those around them[ii]. To put it another way: "the mind of a narcissist is like a sports utility vehicle. It is great to be in the driving seat, but fellow motorists must watch out, lest a collision with this mobile fortress demolish their more humble hatchbacks.[iii]" So those are the characteristics generally, but we want to help specifically with narcissism and marriage. Now we’ll move on to looking at how these traits impact marriage so you can make sense of why your marriage is the way it is. Narcissistic Traits and Marriage Narcissistic traits lead to relationship dysfunction over time, but not initially. A study in 2016[iv] interviewed 146 newlywed couples over the first four years of marriage. They found that narcissistic traits in either husbands or wives predicted a sharp decline in marital quality over time and an increase in marital problems such as conflict. The effect of wives' narcissism was stronger than the effect of husband's, and specific traits of entitlement and exploitative behaviors were the strongest factors. Effects of wives' narcissism may be stronger because men are expected to act more self-interested and boastful than women, so narcissism is seen as more normal in men and more problematic in women[v]. Before these problems start to kick in, narcissistic relationships may initially function well, for both the narcissist and their spouse. At the start of the relationship the narcissist sees the relationship as a way of enhancing themself and increasing their own happiness, while seeing little cost or investment to the relationship. The narcissist will probably be good at presenting themselves positively and may come across as confident and charismatic, therefore leading to higher satisfaction for the spouse at first. Over time the Narcissistic traits start to become harmful to the partner, while the narcissist themselves are required to invest more into the relationship over time, which they will not be motivated to do[vi]. And so the relationship starts to deteriorate from both ends. Later into the relationship, narcissism can have some specific effects, which we’ll look at now. Beliefs and Goals Narcissists often have very specific beliefs and goals when coming into a relationship. They will aim to choose to marry someone who enhances their own status, power or self-image, so are often drawn to people who are attractive and successful. They will also pick spouses who are very attentive and affectionate towards them to enhance their own self esteem. Here’s an interesting observation: despite being drawn to socially desirable spouses, narcissists do not see their spouses as being especially desirable. In one study narcissists rated their partners as being no better than average on measures of attractiveness and desirableness, while rating themselves as higher than average[vii]. Intimacy Narcissists are interested in self-enhancing behaviors and attitudes more than they care about communal interests. They are therefore most interested in their own needs and in seeking sensation and excitement, while valuing their own traits of power and dominance. They are less interested in traits and actions which benefit both them and their partner, such as intimacy, warmth and concern, often seeing relationships as a way of enhancing their own pleasure at the expense of the partner[viii]. This “all about me” attitude reduces relationship quality and levels of intimacy for the spouse of the Narcissist. A real and passionate connection to someone only comes when you care about them as much as (or more than) yourself, and for a narcissist that just isn’t going to happen. Sex The lack of intimacy (and lack of interest in intimacy) described above negatively impacts sexual satisfaction. No surprise there. Narcissists are also usually more interested in physical pleasure than the emotional connection of sex, seeing sex as a means of personal pleasure[ix]. Which ironically ends up making sex less enjoyable since the emotional connection is missing. Going through these details you can really see that this is a different way of seeing the world. Yes, all of us married folk pursue sex for pleasure but really we have this drive for connection and for being with someone and for being seen and known and loved and appreciated. But for the narcissist it is almost like a more reductionist approach where