Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to a couple of parents. They both wrote to me about their children.
Both happen to be in a school transition and seem to be having feelings around that. But that's not really what this is about. This is about, in one case, the anxiousness that a child feels about disturbing things that they've been exposed to or that have happened to them. And this parent is wondering if this is normal, if it's okay for their child to be feeling like this and what they can do to help him feel more safe and less worried.
The second one that I'm going to tie into this came to me. I believe it was an Instagram message. And this child is also in a transition, a kindergarten transition. But they're showing their feelings about it a different way.
This child is being very disruptive at bedtime, being aggressive, even violent. And the parent gave me a rundown when I asked her about the things that she's doing right now. So I want to comment on that and help this parent see what I strongly believe could be missing. Although these children's anxieties are quite specific, I hope these suggestions will apply to any situation or anxiety that your child might be going through.
Okay, so first. Hi Janet. I'm reaching out because I'm concerned about my four year old son. Recently he's been showing a lot of anxiety around vomiting.
He frequently asks if he's going to puke or if I am. This started the day before his first day of preschool. He has only bonded a couple of times, but he remembers the moments well. He can tell you where he was each time he did it.
It seems to be on his mind often and I want to make sure I'm supporting him in the right way. I try to reassure him, but I'm not sure if I'm making it better or worse. The other thing that he suddenly started questioning is if he will always be himself. I believe this stems from seeing certain movies like Hulk where a person transforms into another person or monster.
Another example is Zombies. He knows about them due to older kids at daycare. Is this type of anxiety common for children his age? And what strategies would you recommend for helping him feel safe and less focused on this worry?
Thank you so much for your guidance. First, I want to reassure this parent. Yes, it's totally normal. These are disturbing things.
And the fact that he's also in this nerve wracking transition of starting a new school that's can compound these feelings. If he wasn't in a transition, this would still make sense. And the solutions I'd like to offer, or I guess you could call them strategies that I don't really think of them that way, but it's more an attitude towards and help with the solutions I'm offering to this parent and to the other parent. Actually, although that family situation looks a bit different, the solution is centered around three ideas, three strategies, if you will, or ways of helping our child feel better in any situation, really.
My podcasts almost all end up being about this in some way because it is such a big solution and it is also extremely challenging for us as parents. This first one Feel it to Heal it. I'm not sure if that was Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson who came up with that. It might be someone else.
If you know who it is, please write to me and tell me. I love that expression. Feel it. To heal it, our child needs to be able to feel the feelings they're having around the stuff they're anxious about.
In this case, this movie, the child was exposed to the situation around preschool. That's compounding everything because it is a big stretch for children to make these transitions. And the second thing is, not only do we want our child to feel that, we want them to be able to share it with us somehow, because that's what children need. So they need to feel it, to heal it.
Share it with your trusted loved ones to heal it. And the third one, explore it. To heal it. And altogether, what this is is processing the feelings, processing their feelings in a given situation.
Now, the wonderful thing about children that makes this so clear and simple in a way is, is that they show us how to do this. They show us how they need to process it, how they need to feel it, share it and explore it so we don't have to figure out meditations or drawing or painting or stomping or writing or some other kind of therapeutic method to help our child process their feelings. Not that there's anything wrong with those methods, but they're not necessary and they can tend to complicate the issue for us. And sometimes they unwittingly give the impression to our child like this is really a bigger issue than it actually is because we're focusing energy on trying to fix it instead of normalizing it.
Yeah, growing up feels awful. It's a very out of control, violent thing that happens to our bodies. There's a lot of reasons for that to give us pause, Right? And seeing something in a movie where a person changes into a monster and gosh I remember our kids saw.
It was like this old. I think it was black and white movie. And we thought, oh, this will be harmless. Because our kids were sensitive.
We didn't really show them any movies when they were very little. And we were very, very careful after that as to what they saw, what we exposed them to. So I think it was the Nutty Professor. Some really old, classic, kind of clunky old movie.
Not with all the special effects that the newer ones have that are really scary for kids. But this is seemingly harmless one. And they were terrified because the guy drinks some potion and he changes. And there's another one, the shaggy dog, Right.
Where this guy takes something that makes him grow fur and he turns into a shaggy dog. I mean, kids were terrified at the time. I had just the two daughters that saw that. And, I mean, they could not stop talking about it.
They had nightmares. It was a big fail for my husband and I. Both of those shows were giant fails that we just didn't see coming. We didn't think it was gonna be like that.
But our kids were doing what you're supposed to do. And that's talking about it, sharing about it, being freaked out about it. If we said, oh, that's just a movie, it's okay. You don't have to.
I mean, we probably did say some of that. I don't know. But at some point, you just have to let your kid be. Yeah, that's.
Gosh, that is kind of terrifying, isn't it? When someone's suddenly growing fur. Yeah. And then letting them bring that up as much in every way as they need to.
Not letting ourselves get intimidated or anxious ourselves about that. Oh, no, I've made such a terrible mistake. Or I feel guilty not letting that get in the way and seep in. Because they're doing a great thing.
They are processing it in their own way, and they're showing us the way. We don't have to devise methods with anything. Kids are processing. They are so good at this.
They can teach us how to do it in a healthy manner. But the hard part, the very challenging part, is letting them, and not wanting to push back, fix it, do something to make it better. Because so many of our instincts as parents are about, oh, they feel not good, we gotta fix that. It gets in our way.
Sharing those feelings is the best thing we can do. So we want to normalize their process. We want to try to accept it and respect it and appreciate the way they're needing to do this. All we need to do is Trust their process.
And I realize that could be hard, but they really do have this. And they will ramp the situation as many times as they need to. We can trust that. And the more we can trust again, the less likely we'll be to bring our own anxiety into this, which always naturally intensifies our child's right.
It's an intuitive thing. My child is anxious. That's making me anxious. I gotta make this better.
You know, reminding ourselves, putting it on the back of our hand, writing it somewhere, feel it to heal it, share it with your trusted parents. To heal it, explore it, to heal it. It's the healthiest possible thing children can do. As I said, even isolated from this child, starting preschool, those are totally normal things to feel that our child needs to bring up.
They need to talk about. They need to talk about how scary it is. They need to cry about it. Maybe whatever they're showing us they need to do, that's what we want to trust.
But then when there's any transitional situation going on that puts our child in an even more vulnerable position, it's almost like it gets channeled into these specifics. Like the fear about that my body is going to change too into something that I won't be able to control, or that I'm going to throw up. All things that we don't control because we don't feel in control of this transition. So it all goes together.
It compounds it. It's that feeling that we're just very ungrounded. We've lost our footing as we're trying to step from a situation that we know into a new situation. It's not ever going to be easy for a child or me as an adult.
It is challenging in itself. So, yes, this is a time children are vulnerable to getting fears. Like this child is getting to acting out through lashing out behaviors. It's all about fear and anxiousness.
And I believe a lot of it due to these transitions that both these children are in, we feel out of control. So let's look how to help this parent. And I'm going to read the exchange from the other parent. So when he frequently asks if he's going to puke or if the parent is the start of the day before his first day of preschool, then I would answer those questions honestly.
Not in an objective way so much, but in a reflective way as to what he's feeling. A validating way, I guess you would say. So he's saying, am I going to puke? I don't think so.
That's a Pretty awful feeling, isn't it, when you feel you're gonna puke. It's so uncomfortable, right? How do you feel? And then maybe hearing what he has to say about it.
But as much as he wants to ask if we're gonna puke, I would answer, I don't feel like I'm gonna puke right now. I really only do it when I'm sick or I've eaten something bad. It doesn't just happen out of the blue to me. And we can come back with reasonable things like, it probably won't unless you're sick or you, you eat too fast or you eat something that's not healthy or eat too much of something, but I'm not gonna let you do that.
So it's not like we never wanna say comforting things. That part is our naturalistic. But we wanna focus more on the part that we're not gonna be thinking about in the moment. That's not gonna be our intuition, which is, ugh, you don't like that feeling.
You keep wondering if it's just going to come at you and just happen. That's disconcerting, right? Not being afraid to go there. He's giving us all the signs of where to go.
All we have to do is reflect and open it up for him so that he can feel it, share it, explore it as much as he needs to, and in his way, so we don't have to read to him a whole dictionary description of throwing up or anything like that. We don't have to try to get him to draw it or do any of those things. Just meet him where he is. It's so much easier.
And it's the safest way for us to do what this parent wants to do, which is to help him feel safe and less focused on this worry. So we can't just make it focus less on it. Unfortunately, we can't do it that kind of direct way that we always wanted to. Like, don't worry about that.
It's not going to happen. Pushing back on it instead, focusing on it. When he's focusing on it, not being afraid to go there with him is what allows him to pass through it, because that's his process. It's wonderful.
So healing and it can happen quickly. But we have to lean into that place that's kind of uncomfortable for us and try to turn that around to seeing how positive it is and how we kind of are therapists here for a child, letting them go there so they can process this through their system. So when he talks about The Hulk thing, I would explore that with him or help him explore that. Where did you hear that?
What did it look like? What did they say about it? Ah, you know, that's something that doesn't happen in real life that I know of. But you're worried it's going to happen to you.
Cause you've heard about this. And that's the other thing about kids. When they hear it one time and it disturbs them. They think it could just happen anywhere, anytime.
Because they don't have so many frames of reference for life of how commonly this happens. I think I've said on this podcast before that when I was in kindergarten, I think it was, they showed us a cartoon of what to do if there's a fire in your house. And it was this little boy, tiny boy. He looked about like three years old or two years old.
In the cartoon, he was in his bed and he saw smoke coming out from under the bottom of the door. And in this movie, they said, okay, he smells the smoke, he sees the smoke. So he crawls along the floor to try to get to the door. Meaning you want to be under the smoke.
So you're not being in the smoke. So the smoke's going to rise or something like that. I can't remember if they said to open the door. Oh, I think they said to feel the door if it's hot or something like that.
But anyway, it was supposed to be this helpful video. I was absolutely terrified. I could not sleep for weeks because I was so worried that every single night there could be a fire. So I share that story to illustrate that children, when they hear of it happening once, it could happen anywhere, anytime.
So, yeah, that's something we'll want to give him feedback about. That really never happens in real life, but it does happen in movies. And he didn't like seeing that. Or that worried you that maybe you could change too.
And as humans, we develop, but very, very slowly. And you'll never see yourself changing like that. You'll never see yourself changing into a Hulk. I'm not making light of this because it feels very serious to these kids.
And they need a way to land that with us safely, where we're not going to say, oh, no, no, don't feel like that. It's fine. You're imagining it or it's never going to happen. Don't worry about it.
They are worried about it. So we want to try to never tell children not to feel what they're feeling. And yet we're going to do that a lot as parents. That's just what we do because we don't want them to feel those things.
It's very well intentioned. It just doesn't help. So that's how I would respond. And then I would also maybe if he doesn't ever bring it up, I would bring up.
It's a big deal going to preschool. You were used to the childcare center and now here you are with all these new kids so not being afraid to go there too. It's scary versus parents because it always feels like if we talk about those negative things we're going to put focus on them. But our child is showing us they're already focusing on them and they need to do it all the way.
Take it as far as they need it to go before they can let go of it. That's the process. So again, try to trust the process. Here's the note that I received from this other parent, my 5 year old son.
He started kindergarten two weeks ago and often has trouble with transitions and change. So I expected some challenges, but my husband and I are at a loss with how to respond to and manage his now daily aggressive, violent behaviors, particularly at bedtime. Fortunately, he's doing great at school and these behaviors are only happening with us and other family members and mostly at home. We've moved up bedtime earlier and he's fine through the bedtime process until the minute we're about to kiss him goodnight.
I'm sure this is related to transition and separation, but his kicking, punching, pinching, biting can go on for hours, delaying bedtime and it can be very difficult to manage ourselves through that process. We found the need to physically and lovingly restrain him. If left alone, he will destroy things in his room. What can we do to avoid or shorten these episodes?
Thank you. And I wrote back, can you describe how you approach these transitions and how you respond when he resists and perhaps other times during the day when he's not behaving well? That would help me to understand what might be going on, the parent wrote. Thanks so much for responding.
For big transitions. We talk about them a lot leading up to the change, read books about kindergarten, Visit the school, etc. For bedtime we follow our regular process and have moved the whole process up about an hour so we're not rushed. And because he's so tired from school and no more weekday naps, we don't talk about the bad behavior we're trying to avoid before bedtime because we don't want to plant the idea.
Instead, we keep it really calm and positive. Generally we give many reminders before something happens. Tomorrow is a bath night after general shifts to reading and nighttime after books, we'll brush your teeth, etc. He often resists bath time and so as mentioned, we give several heads up leading to and before the time.
We try to make bath time fun, give him the option of a shower or bath, but we often still get resistance. We only push for baths around two to three times per week as it is, because it is hard at bedtime when he's aggressive. We say we're not doing that tonight. Channeling your calm voice and I won't let you hit me or Dada, etc.
I see you're having trouble controlling your body, so we'll help you so we're all safe. He typically laughs through it all and continues. He likes his glitter calm bottle and suggested we use it in this scenario, but it only helps for a few minutes. Generally when trying to get him to do something, eat dinner, get out the door, we have to be gentle about it because he reacts more strongly to too much pushing.
And then she went on to say what an amazing child he is otherwise and all this stuff, which I totally believe because these are great children. They're just trying to deal with challenging times and when they're going through it, they show it, which is lovely in a way, right? They're so darn clear they're falling apart a little. But if we can try to be open to letting them process their feelings, they pass through that safety they feel with us when they're sharing even the yuckiest, most unpleasant or worrisome for us, stuff that helps them to heal.
But that's not what I wrote to this parent. This is what I wrote back. I wish I could respond to all of this. Unfortunately, I can't at this time.
I'd like to offer you a direction that you may be missing here. At least I'm not seeing it in your thoughtful response. Everything you're describing sounds great. I'd only add it's kind of big actually, that he needs a way to process the actual feelings he's having.
He needs to process this by venting somehow. Kids will naturally try to do this for themselves, but with our loving intentions, we tend to put up blocks to them doing this. Maybe there's one of these ways he's resisting and being unruly that you could accept and allow space for, even understand and welcome if possible. It's not going to look like him sitting in a therapist's chair.
Unfortunately, But a lot messier than that. You've probably heard the saying, feel it to heal it. But kids need to feel safe with us, letting them feel it somehow as it's coming up. This parent may have written me back again, but I haven't had a chance to check yet.
So, firstly, I would notice other moments during the day because the very end of the day is the hardest time for us to accept feelings. And if our child isn't getting a chance to process these intense feelings he's having, if he isn't getting a chance to process those, they get stored up to the very end of the day. And then the child naturally wants to vent them before they can go to sleep, before that's actually healthy. But it's not great for us or for them.
And I totally feel this parent saying it can be very difficult to manage ourselves through that process. Yeah. Because we're exhausted. It's the end of the day, and what is going on here?
This is just so out of control. Right. This parent said that her son does have difficulty with transition change. So this child has an ultra sensitivity to it, maybe has a harder time than the average child with adjusting.
And this is a very common way that children adjust. They just want to scream and yell and hit and flail and go wild about it. Right. Get it out of my body.
Ugh, this is so uncomfortable. Maybe we can relate to that somehow. It's not my M.O. to be like that.
I don't think it ever was. But I can feel that. I can imagine it. And I can imagine it actually feeling really good to be able to just be a terror when I'm feeling scared or worried or just stressed out to the max.
So I would be on the lookout for some signs of this coming earlier. And I think I would even share because this parent did all the things, preparing all that stuff. But like I said, I just didn't see there was any room for him to share the actual feelings. This parent said, generally when we're trying to get him to do something, eat dinner, get out the door, we have to be gentle about it because he reacts more strongly to too much pushing.
So it feels like the parents are being just very careful instead of, okay, we're going, and maybe it's in the morning getting out the door or picking him up, where instead of being so careful and gentle, we're calm but confident. Now it's time to go. We're gonna go, buddy. You can yell, you can scream.
Ah. You can do all this stuff. More room for him to share that somehow I know it's not easy, it's the hardest thing, but this is the solution. I can almost promise this parent that if she can allow him to feel it, to heal it, share it with them safely, to heal it.
And safely doesn't mean that we're tiptoeing around not wanting the bomb to go off. It's, you know, what, you need to drop a bomb. Drop a bomb. And we usually find that when there's more room for that, whenever it comes up for him, that it doesn't build up into these really dramatic things that he's doing at bedtime.
But for now, maybe he still will be doing that, or maybe the parents will. It will take them a while to really start allowing for more venting throughout the day and being less cautious around him. And let's try to avoid it. What's happening.
We're getting it at the end of the day when we don't want it. So it's better to face the music, which I know doesn't sound like music, and let him go. Want him to go and know that you can handle it. And instead of really restraining him, I would think about more, you know, holding him in, which is.
It's almost like an emergency reaction that we would have to do. And maybe it's her feelings, like an emergency, so I want to trust her choices there. But maybe there are times when you can more contain it. Like, whoa, nobody.
So you're putting up your arm, you know, I'm not gonna let you do that. Instead of restraining him, be firm with, here we go, my hands on your back and we're getting out the door. We've gotta go. This is it.
You can yell, you can scream, you can be mad, do all that stuff. And then somehow if it gets all the way to bedtime and he's still got more, then instead of, we're not doing that tonight. I would try to allow him space to do that. You know what?
If you've got all that aggression on you and you want to hit, you want to do all that stuff, we're going to put pillows in front of us, go for it, get mad, scream, yell, do all the things, and then we're going to say goodnight. We're not going to be here for hours doing this, but here's your chance, go for it. And then we're out of here. It will help when he feels free to do that.
And it will also take kind of added fear around it of. His parents are afraid of this. They're uncomfortable, they're Getting mad at me, it just again, compounds and compounds and makes it all harder for us. That's what I'm caring about.
Not how to be the greatest parent, but how to help ourselves get out of the situation by helping our child to process these healthy, natural, normal, typical feelings and encouraging him to do it his way. And when he says he wants his calm bottle and suggests, you know, we use it. So why are we having to use a calm bottle? You know, we're not trying to calm you down.
We want you to share what you're feeling. So it's really the opposite of wanting to give him a calm bottle. It's wanting him to blow it out so it'll be over with. And it really will if we see this as the best possible way for him to process what's going on and get through it and be that wonderful guy that's doing so great at school.
So I realize it's kind of bad news that we have to go to those places with our child and let them do those things and feel those things and share those things. But it's almost like we're keeping ourselves in a bind if we don't. Keeping ourselves stuck in this unpleasant situation with our child, this worrisome situation. So the main thing I want to do in this episode, which I'm going to end right now, is help you take all the worry for that away yourself.
Because you see how important and healthy this process is that children have and that they will mature and not be like this forever. But they need to know we're not afraid of their fears and anxieties and discomforts and even the ones that they show aggressively and violently, though we're never going to let our child hurt us. Imagine if you could feel that about your parent. You can exhale, right?
It's such a relief. I really hope some of this helps. We can do this.