Hemorrhoid Concealer for the Active Asshole

Tim returns for a Wednesday packed with fragile masculinity, cursed cosmetics, Disney cultists, and a Florida threesome meltdown. AdamAndEve.com is wrapping up their DV sponsorship, so Tim urges you to snag your discounted sex toys with promo code FREAK.MEN’S “NOT MAKEUP” MAKEUPTim reviews a social media ad for KLYR, a $60 “concealing cream for men” that insists it’s absolutely NOT makeup. The ad features dudes blending foundation with black “manly” sponges, trying desperately to hide redness without sounding gay. Tim decides he’s finally going to start wearing concealer—but the 97-cent kind.INTRODUCING: BUNG LUSH HEMORRHOID CONCEALERTim unveils his own revolutionary cosmetic: Bung Lush, concealer for hemorrhoids. Fake ad spot includes an “active asshole,” pre-butt-play preparation, and shades like Protein Powder Vanilla, Road Rash Red, and Smoky Starfish. The story ends with a disastrous finger-in-the-butthole incident, but at least the hemis were beautifully blended.THE CURSED WORLD OF TACTICAL PRODUCTSTim dives into hyper-masculine junk like Bell & Howell “TAC” gear—tactical flashlights, shavers, and the infamous Tac Pen that doubles as a strobe light, window breaker, screwdriver, and emergency whistle to summon your wife. All branded as “military grade” for guys who think they’ll someday need to escape a glass coffin in the desert.THE TIKTOK JEWELER LOOPA jeweler’s diamond appraisal videos reveal the same “What’s up, dude?” guy appearing again and again, creating a surreal loop where two men seem trapped greeting each other for eternity over a possibly stolen $70k stone.GAS STATION & PARKING LOT RACISM CIRCUSTim plays clips of a black woman ranting about a “weird Indian bitch” at a convenience store, insisting she “can’t be racist.” Then there’s a heated roadside fight between a black woman and a Hispanic woman arguing over who caused a near-accident. Tim notes both sides are exhausting and the argument lasted far longer than the non-accident deserved.SHAMWOW VINCE RETURNS AS A CULTURE WARRIORInfomercial legend Vince (ShamWow/Slap Chop) has gone full right-wing with a new music video, “Wokebusters.” It features bad trans caricatures, DEI jokes, and even exposes actual children to a bare-assed actor—ironically more graphic than the “woke threats” he’s fear-mongering about. Dedicated to Charlie Kirk, naturally.DISNEY ADULTS ANTHEM FROM HELLTim suffers through a new anthem for Disney Adults—possibly AI, possibly real humans with no shame—celebrating parade choreography, monorails, and spending half their yearly income on park tickets. Tim calls for Disney Adult deprogramming camps.NEGRO CONNECTION RETURNS (SORT OF)Show sponsor Mr. Miller requests the infamous Mrs. Miller “Negro Connection” parody. Tim explains the original bit, why it existed, and why that era of racial satire mostly stays retired—even though he still stands by the intent.FLORIDA THREESOME IMPLOSIONA Florida woman named Angel Lynn Curl was arrested after a planned threesome with her boyfriend and another woman collapsed. Curl allegedly punched her boyfriend repeatedly, then denied everything despite a witness watching. Tim theorizes the boyfriend immediately focused on the new pussy and all hell broke loose.SELF-CHECKOUT MELTDOWN AT KROGERA Houston man erupts at a black woman at self-checkout. Tim rants about the universal misery of self-checkout lines and proposes a Self-Checkout Certification Test to prevent slow, confused customers from clogging the machines.SUPPORT DVTim plugs the Sideshow, Patreon, $25 episode sponsorships, and the Level 80 Cat Lady Memorial Secret Santa on Discord. Voicemails include candy fundraiser memories, aging pop-culture references, and a chaotic caller riffing on race and Obama.