Home under the Hammer

Mr Godwin can't get any rest, as his new neighbour is making too much noise,so he turns to his old friend Agony Aunt to find a solution.Will the council help before Mr Godwin is forced to seek the advice of MC Hammer? Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast . Geoff the Baker has good neighbours. Just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day.------------------SCENE ONE: Mr Godwin's front roomWe are in the front room of perennially annoyed Mr Godwin. There are muffled but loud construction sounds coming from next door. Mr Godwin is on the phone but we can only hear his side of the conversation.  MR GODWIN: (on the phone) So it's been going on for two weeks now… yes, two weeks. (pause) Well, I'd like to know what you are going to do about it. (pause) So there's nothing you can do? Right. (pause and then incredulously) You suggest I call who? (pause) The police or the council! I haven't got time for that. I thought, as you had phoned me to try and scam me out of my life savings, that maybe we could come to some arrangement where I release the equity on my house and you, in turn, deal with my noisy neighbour. (pause) Hello! Hello! Ah… I can't hear you anyway. Construction sounds are now too loud, so he ends the calls.  MR GODWIN: Right. Time for my favourite programme. Just pop the TV on. Mr Godwin turns on the TV and we hear CAT NOIR THEME MR GODWIN: Cat Noir presents… The theme and voiceover can barely be heard… there is too much construction work happening. MR GODWIN: I said, Cat Noir Presents… Home under… I best shut these windows. Mr Godwin shuts two windows. The construction sounds are still too loud. MR GODWIN: I still can't hear myself think. I'll shut the doors too. He shuts two doors and the sounds abate. MR GODWIN: That's better. Now, where was I. Oh yes. Cat Noir Presents… Home under the hammer. The sounds increase again with new equipment being used.  MR GODWIN: (shouting) Written and performed by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. The sounds have stopped but Mr Godwin hasn't noticed. MR GODWIN: (Still shouting) I think I'll make some tea.SPIV: (OOV - next door) Keep it down mate. Some of us are trying to rest.MR GODWIN: Right. I've had enough of this. Two weeks this has been going on. Two weeks. He opens the lounge door and exits the home through the front door, crossing the shingle drive to his neighbours house. SCENE TWO: Doorstep - next doorAt his neighbours, Mr Godwin rings the doorbell. The door opens. SPIV: Yes. Oh hello.MR GODWIN: Oh no. Not you.SPIV: What. I've never met you before.MR GODWIN: Yes you have, loads of times. My house got invaded and we fought the intruder off together with the help of a lost boy. SPIV: (Pause) No. I think I'd remember that.MR GODWIN: You ruined my Christmas. Twice.SPIV: Did I?MR GODWIN: Hmm. What are you doing next door?SPIV: I'm your new neighbour. Hello bunk buddy.MR GODWIN: (flustered) Yes, well… what? Bunk Buddies we are not. Neighbours we are.SPIV: (in Yoda voice) Speak like Yoda, you do.MR GODWIN: I do not, no. (throws hands up) Ah. Look what you've turned me into.SPIV: A cheap star wars knock off.MR GODWIN: No. A moaning neighbour.SPIV: Well, stop moaning and go back to your own house then.MR GODWIN: I won't and I have questions.SPIV: Hit me then. I meant metaphorically, don't actually strike my face, I'm very attached to my features.MR GODWIN: Why are you making so much noise?SPIV: Easy question. I'm having something put into my loft.MR GODWIN: What?SPIV: A casino.MR GODWIN: A casino?Listen in to hear moreCat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.