Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk you'll hear Yamanika Saunders. Oh my God, I love all the white guys that were up here telling their stories of white privilege like it's a fantasy. But not today folks.
Today, no white guy stories, but two women of color telling stories about pee, chili cheese fries, and other stuff. But before all that, I just want to say a huge thank you to Ted McTaggart, Laura Zeer, Jeremy Wallace, and Gillian Mu, all of whom are now supporting us at patreon.com slash risk at the $25 or more level. And you, you person into whose ears my voice is currently resonating, please join them. Over at Patreon, there's bonus stories, ad-free episodes, conversations with storytellers and staff, but most importantly, you are really and truly ensuring that there will be another great episode of Risk next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that.
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Now here's the show. Hello, kids. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison.
This is Cab Calloway, 90 years ago. Behind me now, Cab Calloway is on my list of hot people that no one acknowledges are hot. I mean, like, you know, 1928 Cab Calloway. But the kind of hotness this song is about is something altogether different.
This song is called Hot Water, which is also the name of this week's episode. It's a little bit of a stretch. One of the stories is about someone being in, you know, hot water metaphorically, and one is about someone peeing, which is, you know, technically warm waters, right, if you're healthy, and mammalian. Anyway, hey, did you guys see the last edition of the Risk newsletter?
In it, I talked about all sorts of amazing things that are happening behind the scenes. Well, there's my reunion show with The State, my sketch comedy group that's coming up in Denver on August 30th. You can find tickets at thestate.com. I also talked about the new series of live interactive shows we're creating called Risk Presents What's Your Story?
We're gonna start doing those in New York very soon, then hopefully in your town very soon after. So don't miss out on all the next crazy news that Risk is up to, or that I'll be up to. And sign up for our newsletter. There's a spot to do that right at the top of the page at risk-show.com.
Now later on, we're gonna hear from comedian Yamanika Saunders. She told a thrilling, scary, and also kind of hilarious story when she did the Risk show in San Francisco last January. But first, we have a story from Jimena Ospina, who told this story not at a Risk show, but at our friend Lisa Cantrell's show, Capital Storytelling, out in Sacramento. I'll tell you more about that later.
But for now, let's hear from Jimena with a story she calls Marking Your New Territory. So I loved Disney movies, especially La Sirenita. And if you don't know what that is, it's in Spanish, and it's The Little Mermaid. And so here I am, seven years old.
I am decked out in The Little Mermaid, especially Ariel, who's the main character, head to toe, Little Mermaids everywhere. I would go swimming in my uncle's pool with my cousins who were around the same age, around seven, and we would pretend, but I'm not saying we pretended. We really believed we were mermaids. And this is in Colombia.
I don't know if I mentioned that, but this is in Colombia, South America. And so when my parents had mentioned to me that we were going to California, the only thing I could think about and associate that with was Disneyland. And I was like, oh my God, we're going to Disneyland. I'm going to be on this warm, sunny beach with Mickey and Minnie.
Minnie's going to be wearing this hot pink polka dot bikini. Ariel and her sisters are going to be waving at me in the ocean, welcoming me to my new vacation. And so I was really excited for this trip. And shortly after, about a month span, my parents ended up selling their home and packing their whole life in about four suitcases.
So that's when I realized that we weren't just going to California. We were fleeing Colombia. And so we moved. So we resettled in the United States in this town called Marina, California.
And I don't know if you're aware, it's around Monterey area, what that's like, but I call it foggy ass California. There's really barely any sun. And so, yes, I go to the beach and I'm bundled up. Not what I thought.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are not there. Ariel and all her sisters, because she had a lot of sisters, actually went to the Caribbean instead and said, no, thank you to the Pacific. And so here I am in my new home. And when you are fleeing a country, you don't have much time to prepare.
So my language and English was limited. I knew how to count to ten and three was three because the THR is really ridiculous for English learners for most of us. And I did have a survival phrase, and that was, may I please have some orange juice? So I was set up for success.
No. So here we are in our new home. I'm in first grade and I know that I have to, you know, strategize. And my mother is, you know, like any loving parent, this is also very new weather, right?
So we're coming from this weather of 80, 90 degrees. It's humid, tropical, and we're being introduced to 40 degree weather. And so my mom did not want us to get sick. And so she, you know, really wanted us to be safe and warm.
But to add to this, in Colombia, we have this personified fear called El Sereno. And El Sereno, how they tell the story, is that if you inhale cold air and you're not bundled up, this mystical awful thing will pierce inside your body and then you will automatically become sick. Don't worry, it's actually a manipulation tool. My parents use on their kids.
They listen to them and put on their jackets. And so you'll hear parents go, El Sereno! And kids are like, Ah, my jacket! And so, right, they're running around putting on scarves.
And so it works. But I think my mom believes a little bit in El Sereno. Because we moved to this weather and we were layered up. And by layered up, my little sister was part of this too.
It was layers. So I had leggings, first tights, leggings, jeans for the under part. The top part was an undershirt. And then we would have the long sleeve turtleneck with the button-up.
You should not wear that to children. It's really hard to take off the button one in the crotch area. I don't actually wear one today. Kind of hard.
Then it was the sweater and then windbreaker jacket with like something poofy, right? And so here I am, first grade, just looking like a marshmallow. And just like my mom, I wanted to be preventative and be really strategic about, you know, coming to a new place. And so at this point, again, English was very different and I did not have any idea how to do this.
But it also sounded so strange. Hello, how are you sounded, Hello, how are you? It sounded like people were underwater. So all I heard was, hello, how are you?
So I was really screwed in the classroom. And so I quickly strategized and I made friends with a girl named Nora. And she was Mexican-American, so she spoke Spanish and English, which was terrific. And so I did not have to try for the first month that I was there because she translated everything.
And we played this game, but it's also part of survival where during recess time, she would remind me, hey, Ximena, the bell is ringing for recess. Go to the restroom and unbuckle all that stuff so you can go pee and take care of business. And so it would, you know, ring and I would go and do my bathroom marathon and take off all my layers and all that stuff. So it was good.
And so this particular day, but before I jump to this day. So because I was that foreign kid, a lot of things were adapted differently in the classroom, especially storytelling or story time, right? And so that's when the teacher sits around and all So then I run to the other side, and it's that activity center. And so I'm grabbing these like counting blocks and I'm just like, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and peeing a little bit more.
And I proceed to do this throughout the whole classroom until my bladder is so satisfied. And I'm like, we're good. And to my knowledge, I don't think my teacher, he was very discreet. I don't remember students being aware of what I had just done.
But he did call my father. And so I go to the front of the school and I see my dad's car pull around. And I'm wet. I'm cold.
I'm just really ashamed of what I've done. And you know, my head's down. I'm just dragging my feet into the car and I get in and my dad looks at me and goes, Jimena, what happened? And I look at him and I said, well, I kind of marked my territory everywhere in the classroom.
And with the kindest, most softest eyes, because he knows that I'm going through a lot in Spanish, he says, Jimena, si no aprendes en inglés, te vas a hacer pipí el resto de la vida. And what that means is, Jimena, if you don't learn how to speak English, you're going to pee yourself for the rest of your life. And so, good news, I speak English. I haven't peed myself since first grade in my pants.
I did go to Disneyland. It wasn't that great. I have met Ariel and Mermaids here at the Dive Bar in Sacramento, so you guys should all go. They're my friends.
They don't know it, but they're my friends. But most importantly, I survived the first grade. We'll be right back. I'm Josh Aaron.
And I'm Nicole and I eat. And we're the cooks responsible for all the strange dishes on the Internet's most watched daily show, Good Mythical Morning with Rhett and Link and our own YouTube channel, Mythical Kitchen. Between the two of us, we've worked almost every weird job the food industry has to offer, and we've developed some pretty strong opinions. The strongest opinions, Nicole.
Opinions so strong, they need to be heard on an easily consumable auditory medium. Does pineapple belong on pizza? Are boneless wings just poser nuggets? Is cereal soup?
Follow and listen to A Hot Dog is a Sandwich free on the Odyssey app and everywhere you get your podcasts. Folks, if you listen to Risk on Stitcher, now is the time to switch to a different platform. Stitcher is going away, but Risk is not. We know a lot of our listeners get the show through Stitcher, but when they end their run very soon, you'll want to make sure you are subscribed to Risk on any other podcast app.
Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, our personal favorite, the place where we listen to the show is the Odyssey app. That's A-U-D-A-C-Y. Or of course, there's our website at risk-show.com. But one place you won't find Risk anymore is Stitcher because Stitcher is going away.
So make sure to subscribe to Risk anywhere else now. We're back. This is Risk and behind me again is hot water, but this time the band is called Hot Water and the song is Wamkelekile. Hey, Dallas Conti, Sunil Nair, and Carlisle.
It is thanks to people like you who are supporting Risk on Patreon that Risk is still running and bringing the best and the boldest storytelling you'll find anywhere. It is so sweet the things that people write into us when they donate. A risk fan named Julia wrote, don't have a lot of money to give, but I truly love and appreciate the show. And if every listener gave just a little bit, it could make a huge difference.
And Zach said, please know we're all rooting for you and the work you do is so very important and impactful. And a new risk listener named Mary wrote, I think the most impactful way to extend one's human circle of concern is through listening to the stories of others. I heard the people change episode and any way I can support, I will. If you haven't heard the people change episode, that's the one where my better half in running Risk, our business director, JC Cassis, came on to explain why we need to raise funds to get us through to the end of this year when we know we already have very clear signs that we will have income streams back to a more stable place at the end of the year.
So thanks again, everyone. You can help keep Risk running at patreon.com slash Risk. Or if you want to make a one-time donation, that's at paypal.me slash Risk show. Or for other options, just email me at Kevin at Risk-Show.com.
Let's get to Yamanika Saunders. I have been looking forward to running this one. I had never met Yamanika before she did the Risk show in San Francisco last January. And she blew us all away with this one.
It's a story we call A White Guy with Chili Cheese Fries. Oh my God, I love all the white guys that were up here telling their stories of white privilege like it's a fantasy. Thank you, Lord, for all you've done for me. You saved me.
So I was 19 and I was doing stand-up in Los Angeles, really excited about it. So I started when I was 16 in high school. And my mom used to take me to do stand-up because we're in a trauma bond. So when I was 19, I would go with her to the comedy store and I would wait on the line and pick a number, hoping that I would get a number to perform the following Sunday.
One Sunday, my mother was like, I'm not going to be there. You're going to have to take yourself to the comedy store, which I was thrilled about because that meant she was going to be out of my hair and I could be wild. I was a bit of a nerd as a child. My favorite thing to do was tell everyone that I knew Commedia dell'arte.
So I was 19, still kind of like a 15-year-old because my growth had been retarded by my mom who kept babying me. She was like, you're going to be in the big city by yourself and I'm going to be away for the weekend. And so I'm giving you $20 to take yourself to the comedy store, go stand in line, make sure you take this $20 and you park in a parking garage and don't park on Sunset and pocket this 20 bucks because it used to be free to park on Sundays on Sunset. So obviously, I pocketed the money and I parked on Sunset and I had $20 to hustle around.
And I went to go put my name on the list to see if I could get a number to perform the following Sunday at the comedy store. Now I had done that many times. I had picked a number because I'm one of God's favorite children. I would always get a number.
And then this particular Sunday, there was a white guy who was sort of talking to himself off in the corner. He was very shaken and disturbed and having a meltdown. And because I am someone who loves people that I can trauma bond with and also have narcissistic personality disorder, I was drawn to him like a lightning bug. And I asked him what his problem was.
He was weird and he was white. But he was interesting to me. He had on a shirt with an alligator. He looked like a Best Buy nerd, but I didn't know about Best Buy then.
And he was saying that he was upset because he's come to this open mic constantly and he's never gotten a number. And if he doesn't get a number this week, he's going to give up his dreams of doing comedy. And so I said, well, you shouldn't give up your dreams of doing comedy. So if I pick a number, which I knew I probably would because I had the touch, I'll give my number to you.
And that way you can perform next week doing comedy. And he was like, sure. Are you sure? I was like, he said, are you sure?
Like Lassie was going to come around the corner. Are you sure? You know, I was like, yeah, you can have my number. It'll be fine.
So he goes and he picks a number and he gets a blank ticket. So that means he's not going to perform next Sunday. And I go about three after him and I pick a number and I ask the guy if I can give my number to my new white friend who's a weirdo. And he said, yes.
And so I told him you can have my number. It was like number seven or eight. And so that's his placement to go on next Sunday. And I said, God has blessed you.
Right. This was before I started having sex and I was a virgin. So everything was God, God, God. And he said, thank you.
And he said, I'd like to take you to dinner to thank you for giving me your number. And I said, oh, that's very sweet. You know, I'm a big girl. I like to eat.
And I was like, when are we going to have dinner? He was like, we didn't have it today. He says, you know, I'll take you out to dinner and we'll have some fun. And I was like, oh, that's awesome.
And I was like, I don't want to move my car because I'm parked on Sunset and it's free. And I got this 20 bucks from my mom and I'm going to sneak and buy some BD's later to smoke. And he was like, hey. And he was like, you don't have to do that.
He was like, I'm also parked on Sunset and I can move my car and I can take you to get something to very, very hungry, which is, I mean, nobody's gonna laugh here at this point because you're all terrified, but being a fat bitch saved me because he believed that I was hungry. And right on Sunset, there is a restaurant that sort of looks like a train car and it's called Carney's. And I would go in there and I would have chili cheese fries every Sunday. So I said, oh my God, I'm so hungry.
If you could just, you know, we'll go have all the fun you want and we'll do everything. I said, but I'm no fun if I don't eat. And he believed me and he said, okay. And I said, well, we can just go right here to Carney's and I can get some chili cheese fries and then we'll go and we'll have a great time.
And so he agrees, thank God. And we go up into Carney's, we walk up the steps and as we're in the line, I'm still kind of like rolling in and out of consciousness. And the guys there all know me because I always order chili cheese fries, but they see me with this white nerd and they think I'm about to get lucky because they're all like, hey, yeah. And I'm trying to show them with my eyes that I ain't fucking with this dude.
But none of them realize that except for a little white boy in front of me who is talking to his father and he says, Daddy, this lady, she looks like she's not okay. And I had never been so happy to see a little white boy in my life. And I went to reach for him because he understood and his father said, don't talk to her, turn around. And I thought that was my last opportunity to get away from this nutcase who was buying me chili cheese fries.
Then I remembered that there was a bathroom in Carney's. And the good thing about this bathroom is that while you're inside, it looks like it's also inside, but it's actually not. You have to walk outside and go downstairs and then go up to get into the bathroom. So I told him, I said, listen, I have to go to the bathroom.
You got the chili cheese fries. And he's kind of nervous that I'm trying to leave him and that I'm aware of what's happening even though I'm trying to pretend that I have no clue what's going on. And he says, well, I'll go with you. And I said, no, you don't have to go with me.
I can go by myself. I said, it's right there. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to go to the bathroom and I'll be fine.
So he lets me go and I go towards the door and I walk out and I go downstairs and I'm trying to run as fast as I can, but it's very difficult because this whatever he gave me is holding me down. And I'm in and out of the street on Sunset. And there was another white man who walks towards me and he reaches for me. And I'm like, oh my God, I can't deal with another white guy right now.
And so he says, are you okay? You're walking in the street. I said, no, I'm fine. I said, please just don't touch me.
I have to leave. And he said, no, I can help you. You seem like you're out of it. I said, no, please.
There's already a white man trying to kill me today. And he said, there is? And he's looking because he thinks I'm hallucinating a white guy who's trying to murder me. And I said, yes, I have to get, I have to go up.
There's a place, there's a place I have to get to. Now I was trying to travel up to where all the comedians hung out after they did the lottery because it's about 20 or 30 of them that hang out having a good time. And I just wanted to be somewhere where people would know me and could help me. And so I told this man, I said, if you could just please help me walk to where there's going to be comedians.
I am a comedian. And he does. He walks me to this place where all the comedians are hanging out and he asked them if they know me. And a few of them had recognized me and they said, yes.
And he says, well, she's been wandering in the street and I'm nodding and I'm all kind of drowsy. And one of my, who becomes one of my friends later on, Zorba, sees me. Now Zorba is a big black guy and he's like really friendly and I never really had a conversation with him, but we'd always say hello or hi or something like that. He says, well, I can help her.
Just leave her with us. We'll take care of her. And so I'm sitting there and I'm nervous and I'm shaking because I want to get away. And I keep telling Zorba, I said, I have to go.
I just, can you take me and get me away from here? I can't stay here. Somebody's coming. And so all of the other comics are laughing because I just like a young girl who did drugs for the first time and has no idea what I'm doing with myself.
So they're like, oh, she's just high. Just leave her alone. Give her some water. She'll be fine.
And I go, no, there's going to be a white guy with chili cheese fries trying to kill me. And I kept repeating that. No, there is a white guy with chili cheese fries who's trying to kill me. And they're looking at me and they're laughing.
And Zorba pulls me to the side and he says, listen, what is going on? I said, I smoked something and I promise you that there is a white man coming down here and he's going to have chili cheese fries and he's going to try to kill me. And I don't want to go with him. And he says, you don't have to worry.
There's no white guy with chili cheese fries. And I'm going to stay with you until you come down from whatever high you're on. And so we sit there. We sit there and I'm shaking and I'm nervous and I'm looking around and I'm just praying that he doesn't come up.
And sure enough, five minutes later, here comes this white guy. And I'm excited because they think I'm a liar. But I'm scared because I think he's going to convince them to take me with him. And so as he walks up and he has the fries in his hands, but they're covered up in foil.
He goes, come with me. Come on. I have your stuff. And Zorba says, hey.
He goes, you're a white guy. And I'm thinking to myself, yes, he is. And he goes, what's in that in your hand? And he was like, motherfucker, it better not be chili cheese fries.
And sure enough, he opened it and it was chili cheese fries. And Zorba said, if you don't get the fuck out of here, I'm going to beat your ass. And then all the other comedians were like, oh, my God, we're so sorry. There was a white guy with chili cheese fries trying to kill you.
So I was high for like six hours and Zorba stayed with me every step of the way, making sure that I was okay and he never took advantage of me. He was very sweet. I got to hang with him yesterday. He is a good friend who has saved my life.
And so the following week, we're at the comedy store and everyone is pretty sure that this guy is not going to show up, but he does. He shows up and when it's time for him to go perform on stage, he has a ukulele. And for three minutes, this fool plays the ukulele on stage. I was like, I was about to get killed by a white nigga playing a ukulele.
And as he got off stage, I went to walk towards him and I remember all the comics were trying to hold me back. And he said, no, just leave me alone. I said, no, this guy terrorized me and I want to confront him. And so I walked up to him and I looked him in his eye and I said, I don't know what the fuck you thought you were doing last week, but what you did made me super nervous.
And I want to know how many girls have you killed? And he looked me in the eye and he said, you'll never know. So as I stand before you today at the age of 44, I say, thank you, Lord, for all you've done for me. Thank you.
This is Risk. And behind me one last time is Hot Water, this time by 80s band Level 42, who I don't remember. I really don't think I've ever heard them in these past 40 years. And that, of course, followed Yamanika Saunders, who you can find on Instagram at Yamanika.
And all of the stories and the music in this episode was edited by our own John LaSalla. And before all that was that adorable story by Ximena Ospira, which was told at a Capital Storytelling show a few years ago. Lisa Cantrell, who's been phenomenal on Risk before, is the director of Capital Storytelling in Sacramento. And she was happy to allow us to feature some of the stories she's recorded out there for the Capital Storytelling podcast.
You should definitely check out that podcast as well. You'll hear even more of great stories just like Ximena's where that came from. But I'll tell you one place you can't hear the Capital Storytelling podcast or the Risk podcast. It's Stitcher.
The Stitcher app is going the way of the dodo. Okay, so if that's where you've been subscribing to Risk, it is time to switch. You can try Apple Podcasts or Spotify or our new favorite, Odyssey. That's A-U And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that.
It's a human sign, when things go wrong, when the sand of a lion, and temptation's strong. Into the boundary of each married mind, the seed comes calling, and negativity lands. Cold, cold heart, hard done by you, something's looking better, baby, just passing through. And it's no sacrifice, just a simple word, to a heart's living, into separate worlds, and it's no sacrifice, no sacrifice, no sacrifice at all.
Between the subtle states, after the fact, sensible to the meltdown prison, and the final act. We lose direction, no stone unturned, no tears to stand you, when jealousy burns. Cold, cold heart, hard done by you, something's looking better, baby, just passing through. And it's no sacrifice, just a simple word, to a heart's living, into separate worlds, and it's no sacrifice, no sacrifice, no sacrifice at all.
I gave my heart, I gave my heart, I gave my heart, I gave my heart, I gave my heart, I gave my heart.