How Do I Know When/If I Can Trust My Spouse After Betrayal?

How do I know if I can trust my spouse again? This question represents one of the most profound dilemmas a betrayed spouse will struggle with as they journey towards healing after a significant betrayal. How do I know I’m not going to get hurt again? How do I know I’m not just being a fool to trust him or her? Trust is so easy to break and so hard to build: today we’d like to give you more insight into the dynamics at play in this important struggle. Before we talk about indicators of trustworthiness, we’re going to look at factors that are independent of trustworthiness, or a lack thereof, in your spouse, that affect your ability to trust them again. The Interference of Betrayal Trauma Betrayal often causes symptoms of trauma to appear. Symptoms of betrayal trauma include: Avoidance (possibly even as far as terminating your relationship with your spouse) Hypervigilance (fear response) which can involve scrutinizing all of your spouse’s behaviors, searching, researching, double-checking and interrogating Obsessive questioning, meaning that you continually grill your spouse, and may find it hard to stop  Rage (fight response) Numbness (freeze response)[1] Identifying these symptoms isn’t meant to pathologize any of them. It’s just good to be aware of the symptoms so that you can recognize it if you experience betrayal trauma. Sometimes you can spend a lot of emotional and mental space trying to figure out what happened. Gordon, Baucom and Snyder (2005) note "a primary disruption experienced by the injured partner is intrusive, persistent rumination about the event, which can become so overwhelming and uncontrollable that it interferes with both concentration and daily functioning" (p. 1394).[2] If you’re experiencing symptoms of betrayal trauma, the process is entirely inside because of what the betraying spouse has done. The symptoms of betrayal trauma can protect you from reaching out to your spouse again, even if they’ve returned to a trustworthy place. We’re delicately saying that the symptoms of trauma can prevent you from trusting, even if you are in a situation where it would be safe to trust again. Part of the impact of trauma is how it affects trust. Gordon, Baucom, and Snyder (2005) go on to observe: "A major cognitive response associated with the discovery of an affair is the change in beliefs about the partner and relationship; one can no longer trust in his or her partner or feel safe within the relationship" (p. 1394). Trauma affects what you believe about your spouse. Here’s the point: they betrayed you. The betrayal causes trauma. In the ensuing fallout, it is possible that significant cognitive and emotional changes occurred in your spouse so that they are now a trustworthy person. But if your trauma is unresolved and unhealed, the trauma itself will prevent you from seeing, believing and acting on that trustworthiness.  We’re not saying all betraying spouses become trustworthy. Yours may not be. But we are saying that yours may now be, but your trauma prevents you from acknowledging this because it’s protecting you. In conjunction with your spouse doing what is necessary to become a changed, trustworthy person, you also need to take care of this trauma that has occurred.  For betraying spouses listening, it is not for you to turn on your spouse and say this is your fault/problem. A trustworthy betraying spouse can say “yes, I caused this, and I understand that your healing may not follow the same trajectory or speed as mine and you take all the time you need and I will do what I can to support you and I will do what I can to support you.” If they won’t do this, that is a sign that they’re not really trustworthy because they are still blame shifting. That’s for betrayed spouses to consider as you reflect on yourself. Now, as you reflect on your spouse, we want to give you some warning signs, and some proceed with caution signs. Keep in mind that trust is not a switch that you flip. It is more like a savings account: it needs to be built up steadily over time. Real or perceived betrayals are like sudden, major withdrawals from that account.  Warning Signs of Betrayal Now we’re going to take a look at the warning signs of betrayal. To some extent, every betrayed spouse is a bit different in how they respond to the betrayal, but there are also a number of practical things to look for that are indicators that you can trust your spouse again.  The delicate part is that there are normal levels of these problems in every marriage. Most married men/women have some level of defensiveness at times, but high levels of these issues do represent major warning signs of betrayal. 1. Pathological Defensiveness It’s normal to be initially defensive after betrayal. A betraying spouse might say, oh it wasn’t that bad, that’s not how it really was. Sometimes this is because of their own shame. They feel horrible about it and they try to turn the dial on that bad-person dial back to zero because it feels horrible to sit in it. This is a sign of defensiveness, but not necessarily of untrustworthiness.  While the above are certainly not helpful, they’re not necessarily a sign of betrayal. Defensiveness is a sign of betrayal if the betraying spouse accepts zero responsibility. For example, if he/she says “I went out with my buddies, they started drinking, Bob slipped me a shot of whiskey, and I was unfaithful.” In other situations, there is a total denial in the face of the evidence, saying “no, that didn’t happen.”  They may also engage in gaslighting behavior, saying something like “why would someone try to wreck our marriage by saying I’m cheating on you?” as the affair partner is writing to the betrayed partner saying I’m having an affair with your spouse.   2. Blame Shifting If you’re still getting blamed for the circumstances that led to the issue (you weren’t sexy enough, you were too busy, you were off chasing your career, etc.) People who don’t accept responsibility and blame others see themselves as victims of their circumstances. The problem is, if he/she was a victim once, he’ll likely become one again. On the other hand, people who demonstrate agency can accept responsibility and make the necessary changes to create safety in marriage. A spouse who acts like they have the power to control their choices is more trustworthy than one who sees themselves as a victim. A spouse who is willing to say “I made a choice where I disregarded you and I disregarded our marriage and I chose to do this and it was wrong” can accept responsibility and make the changes to create safety in their marriage. They are more trustworthy than a person who is always the victim. This may sound backwards. You might think that it would be harder on your spouse to hear “it was my fault, I made this decision, and I hurt you” yet that’s what they need to hear. And your spouse already knows that, so acknowledging it is not new information, but it shows your spouse that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions. 3. Being Non-committal If your spouse won’t verbally and sincerely commit to repair and restoration that may be a sign that s/he’s still keeping their options open or still considering an affair partner as an alternative. Trust from you is an expression of commitment. It’s a bridge you build towards a fixed point: if your spouse is a moving object, your bridge will fall. Not everyone who comes to couples therapy has come to a place where they’ve let go of the affair partner, and it’s important that they get to a place where they’ve completely stopped their involvement with the affair partner in order to commit to you.  You might worry that if your spouse begins to show trustworthy behavior, they’re just doing so to win you back, rather than sincerely. But remember that trust is built by being reliable over time. If a spouse isn’t sincere about wanting to win back your trust, they won’t be able to do the reliable over time part. They’ll douse it on for a period of time and then the bad habits will come back. The exception would be if they’re pathologically insincere. If they can maintain a layer of deception after deception for years and are willing to lead you on a total charade for years, that’s much more serious, but this is not often the case. Most spouses who commit to repair and restoration are sincerely ready to commit to the marriage. 4. Unaddressed Entitlement, Narcissism, Unaccountability or Compulsivity Other reasons not to trust your spouse include some personality disorders, and the denial that often comes with sex addiction. Not all personality disorders lead to affairs, but if you are married to someone with histrionic personality disorder, it will sometimes show up as an over-flaunting of sexuality, which can lead to affairs. Spouses with narcissistic personality disorder may feel they deserve everything the world has to offer including you being a faithful spouse to them while they do whatever other things they want to do. Some unaddressed expressions of bipolar disorder also lead to pursuing affairs. (Note: nearly all people with bipolar disorder are faithful spouses, but some manifestations of bipolar, during the manic phase, include pursuing affairs.) Until the underlying symptoms of these disorders are treated, it’s probably not wise to consider trusting again. Unaccountability is the refusal to accept any form of accountability. Again, betraying spouses often get frustrated by the hypervigilance of the betrayed spouse, (why are you checking my phone, why are you checking my email again etc.), but the refusal to accept any form of responsibility becomes an issue. It’s a normal part of the distress following a betrayal for there to be cross-examination, scrutiny,...