How Grief Changes

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Thanks. Hello. Before we get into this episode, I'm going to share a little bit about my new masterclass I have coming out on January 17th. It is currently for sale.

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All right, we'll see you inside. Hello and welcome back to on the Daily Today's episode is a tribute, I guess my dad died exactly three years ago today. So in this episode I really want to share how my grief has evolved over time. The highs, the lows, the unspoken things and the anger.

Because there's been a lot of anger as well, I want to discuss all of it because there's been a lot of lessons throughout the last three years. And I've also had some of my best days since losing him. So if you're on a grief journey, this episode is going to be for you. Hey friend.

Welcome to on the Daily. I'm your host, Danielle McCleary and I'm a quantum business coach. I'm the host of this podcast. I'm a multi six figure entrepreneur, co founder and president of Hypu Media and CEO of Danielle on the Daily Coaching.

What I'm really interested in is helping you live a life and have a business that is a full body. Yes. So through all of my education and all of my experience, I'm bringing you two episodes a week where I will guide you and give you the tools necessary to scale a massive, sustainable and sexy business using your intuition, wealth, energetics and human design. What we can call it is business biohacking.

So if you're down for that, then I say let's freaking go. I'm so glad you're here. My dad died exactly three years ago today. He was a pretty awesome guy.

And you know, when he first passed, I was convinced that I had all the tools that I needed to get me through it. And what that really meant was I had enough programming to avoid it. And I did. I avoided really grieving it for about a year.

Even though I said I was and I was going through it and I, you know, I was talking about the lessons. It's so crazy to think back to now. Cause I was talking so much about the lessons I was learning and everything that it taught me and all these things. But I was just avoiding it.

Like, I was just avoiding grief. I was like by avoiding dealing with my grief, I was kind of bypassing it and putting it into my business. So I was putting a lot more pressure on my business that year to like be successful. Because I think, I believe that if my business was successful then it like wouldn't hurt as bad.

Or if I could prove that grief didn't have to slow me down, then I would be okay. I don't, I don't even know. Like, I just look back now to how hard I grinded in that first year and how much I pivoted in my business. Like the amount of things that I did differently, the amount of pivots I made, the amount of shifts that I made, like, it was wild.

And all it did was led to like most epic burnout I've ever experienced where I literally was about to burn everything to the ground. I mean, I remember it was. It was Christmas Eve 2021, so it was almost a year after he died. I had everything.

I had a house, I had a car, I had the life. I had everything that I wanted. I was like the it girl on paper and inside. I was like, I'm gonna crawl into a hole and never come out.

I looked at Breezy, who was my fiance at the time, and I said, um, we're married now, but who was my fiance at the time? And I was like, I like, if this is success, I don't want it. Because I realized that I had not grieved, I had not allowed myself truly the moments to actually move through it. And it was interesting cuz the other night we watched a new movie on Netflix called Good Grief by Dan Levy.

He wrote and directed it. It was based on the grief he had experienced from loss. And I highly recommend that movie. I'm not like sponsored or anything.

I just think it's a really good take on grief. And he said something in that movie and I'm gonna butcher this so badly, but I'll get the gist of it. He basically was like, grief is weird because it's like a muscle. Like your brain is like a muscle and you had programmed it to have certain memories and relationship with a person.

And so when they go, that muscle memory still thinks that you should have the same relationships. I'm not seeing them, not being able to talk to them, not being able to hug them, interact with them in the ways that you've programmed your brain to do. So it's hard and it kind of like short circuits and your brain doesn't really like get it. And that is so true because I think for the first year I really did.

I didn't deal with it. I just carried on as if I was, you know, moving through a low season. Like I literally treated it like I was moving through like a low season in business. Like, oh, it's just a season.

No, sometimes it's a season. Like that's the problem with grief is it like it's not a season because it never actually goes away. And like, okay, great. I have all these tools to heal and I know how to embody and I know breath work and I know yoga, and I know how to move my body, and I know how to move big feelings and big energy through my body, and I know how to heal things.

Okay, great. But, like, why? What's the point? They're still dead.

They're not coming back. That was something I had a really hard time accepting that, that, that fact right there that no matter how much I healed, no matter how much I did, no matter how much I, you know, breathed, it was never gonna change the fact that they were gone. And I am a fixer. Like, my entire life for so long was tied to my ability to fix things.

And so this was, like, the first thing in my life that I truly couldn't fix or at least, like, I couldn't talk my way out of. And that was really hard. That was really, really tough because all, all you want. And it's been crazy because throughout the last three years, like, I've had some serious highs.

Like, I, I, I really started this business in 2021. Like, this was the first year I really started this business. My dad really didn't, doesn't know any of them. He does.

You know, he's on, like, Earth side for it. And I, I hit, like, huge milestones in my business, and I built up and, like, bought and custom built a home and moved to Texas, and I got married and I bought my dream car. And I've traveled and I've found so much more peace, and I'm spending more time with the people that I love. Like, so many things have happened that he has not been present for Earthside and that it still killed.

I don't think it'll ever not kill me. I don't think that'll ever not eat away at me in, like, the weirdest ways. Like, I think the another, like, really crazy thing about grief is, like, you spend so much time like my dad. Like, for the first 33 years of my life, I was, like, I was so close with my dad.

Like, my dad was, like, one of my best friends. And to have to acknowledge that I'm gonna live longer on this planet without him than I got with him, just, it, it short circuits my brain. I mean, it actually short circuits my brain. And so those are a lot of the things that I avoided that first year and probably into the second year a little bit, I avoided, like, those thoughts.

And I avoided, maybe not those thoughts, but I definitely avoided having to come to terms with them. And, you know, I would say in the last year, I've really started to, like, feel it and really started to embody what healing feels and looks like on a spiritual level, but also on a physical level. You know, there's also been a lot of lessons. And this is why this episode is called How Grief Changes.

Because grief has changed. It evolves. It kind of grows with you a little bit. Um, and you grow into it in a different way.

You know, one of the things recently that kind of came up that was like, another level of moving through grief, moving with grief, whatever you want to call it. Like, there was another. My wife and I have been talking a lot about grief lately because she is getting ready to launch a big project, and it's centered around grief. And so we've been talking a lot about grief.

So a lot of these things I've been thinking about recently. And, you know, before my dad died, I kind of relied on him a lot. And my dad's worth was really, really tied to how he could take care of his family. And so I never.

I really have never wanted for anything. I've pretty much gotten everything that I need and everything that I want. Like, of course, it came with. Like, I was not just given a car.

Like, I had to work for it. I had to get good grades, all things, but, like, I never. I always had a safety net, essentially, and does it, like, kind of kept me small. And so I.

I hate that this is the truth, but it is. And it's something that I need. Like, I need to say, because I know that I'm not the only one who feels this, but my dad had to die in order for me to heal that, in order for me to realize, like, how okay I was on my own and how. How capable I was and am to do it myself and to build what I'm building without him.

And it's crazy. And this is, like, the other part of grief that, like, really is something you have to get used to. And nobody talks about this, but it's like, no matter what happens. And, like, sure, like, a lot of the growth that I've had over the last three years has happened because of my dad.

Like, the cord being cut, essentially. Like, the cord being, like, ripped out of me, but the cord being cut. And it's a really weird, somber feeling to know that, like, if given the chance to trade it all, even for five seconds, even for five minutes, like, I could just. If I could just be with my dad for five minutes and just be able to hug him, like, I would trade everything.

Like, I would trade every single piece of it. And that's a really weird feeling because you work so hard for what you. For your, you know, what you have and your success. And I work.

I've worked so hard for what I have, and I've. I've worked so diligently and so intentionally over the last three years to have the life that I have and to just, like, know and just have it be this, like, knowing in the back of your mind always, like, yeah, I trade it all to have another. Have another few minutes with him. I don't know.

I don't know if that's something I've ever. I'll ever get over either. Um, because you can be so convicted in what you do and still just know that it's, like, never going to be what it was. But, you know, it does change.

And I have gotten to the point where I'm no longer angry. I. I no longer get triggered in a negative way by people who share about their dads. I remember the first couple years, like, I really couldn't hear.

Really couldn't listen to anybody talk about their dads and how they were spending Father's Day with their dad or, like, spending day with their dad or whatever. I really couldn't listen to it because it just, like, threw me off of a bridge. And that is something that I've moved through. I now can.

My friend and my coach, Sabrina, was sharing how she was with her dad all over New Year's, and they spent so much time together, they were sharing her stories. And I would have not been able to watch that a few years, a couple years ago. And now, like, I can watch stuff like that and I can be really happy for them and almost, like, live vicariously through it a little bit. So that.

That feels good to no longer, like, have to. But I think that's because I stopped avoiding it and I stopped bypassing. The healing part doesn't, you know, as a healer, a light worker, somebody who does see optimism and see the good in people and, you know, whose business, my whole business is focused around helping people know themselves. There is a part, I think, where you.

There's like a piece where you almost forget to go through it yourself because you already know what it's gonna look like on the other side. And what I had to learn the hard way was like, that doesn't. That doesn't take away from the fact that you have to learn on yourself. It doesn't matter what you know.

It doesn't matter how. How much you. You think you know, how it should go. What matters is actually that regardless of any of that, you have to still go through it.

And that was something I was avoiding for a long time. So once I stopped avoiding that, I was actually able to put context to my feelings a little bit more. And I can say that some of the biggest things that have come from it is I don't, I don't waste time anymore. You know, I, I, I saw very, very real.

I mean in one month after my dad died, my dog died, like exactly to month. And I watched them both die. And my dog didn't have to be put down. She like chose to die in my arms.

So. And I was holding my dad's hand while he took his last breath. Like those, those moments, like those visions, like I'll never get over, like I will always see that in my mind. I'll always be able to close my eyes and be right back there.

And I think what that did is it, it just showed like the preciousness of life. Like it really did show me how truly precious life is and how truly fragile this life is and whether, you know, I believe that there's, I believe in past lives, I believe in future lives. I believe that we come back, our soul has, you know, can live many, many lives. And I also believe that this is the only one we get.

I, and I saw firsthand how precious that is. So I can say since then, I don't wait for things. If there's something that I want, if there's a goal that I have, I don't put things off anymore. And I can really thank my dad for that.

Like allowing me to be present to his passing showed me that. And so that's, that's something that I've noticed a huge shift in myself since my dad passed compared to before he had died. Because I don't wait for things anymore. I don't, I don't pass up good opportunities.

I really learned how to listen to my intuition since he died. I would say in the last year specifically, I've really learned how to listen to my intuition. And I, I trust my intuition very deeply. And you know, there was a subconscious belief before he died.

I figured this out about a year after when I almost like burnt out and hit rock bottom. I realized that there was a part of me that was holding back. And you might have heard me tell this story before, but my dad always used to say things like, I'll be here as long as you need me. Because yet he was a type 1 diabetics since he was 7, so a really long time.

He had heart disease, liver, kidneys, all the things and he would be in and out of the hospital. Especially in the last 10 years of his life, he was in and out of the hospital a lot. Knee replacement, surgeries, open heart surgery, like dialysis, like, you name it. And he would always say things like, I will be here as long as you need me.

And so subconsciously, I think what that did to me from like the time I was little was, you know, I believe that I couldn't be super successful because if I, if I was super successful, then I wouldn't need my dad anymore. And if I didn't need my dad anymore, he would die. And then he did die. Jokes on me.

And then he did die. And I realized pretty after about a year of avoiding it, I realized that, that none of that was true. I actually owe it to my dad and the. He worked so hard for his family, and I actually owe it to him to break all of these generational patterns.

You know, he was a slave to my dad was a slave to his job. Watching a man live the last 15 years of their life talking about nothing but retirement and when they retire, everything, you know, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'm gonna retire when I retire. When I retire.

When I retire. He was the cfo, actually financial officer or corporate controller. Finance guy. Worked for many different companies, some really big ones, some more startups.

He did consulting. Like, he was always a finance guy. And I don't know if he really loved that. You know, I found out after the fact when I was a manifesting generator and he had one job.

Like, he moved around to different jobs a lot, but he was, he didn't ever get to explore his many passions. And what I know now about human design is like, no wonder he was so unhealthy. You know, like his body was like, literally physically rejecting the notion of him doing the same thing day in and day out. And he couldn't see it.

And so, you know, he talked about retirement a lot. And then he got, he died at 64. He would've been 67 now. And he died at 64.

He died before he retired. He never got to retire. You know, him and my stepmom used to talk about, like, everything they were gonna do after retirement, and they never got to. And so what that did and how that journey's looked for me over the last three years is like, I, I, I don't wait for retirement.

If there's things I want, I chase them. And I also, I also will never work for someone. Cause I saw my dad do it and I saw what it did to him, and it really gave me the confidence that I needed to, like, start my own business and really trust that that was gonna be possible. And that's why I help other people do that.

I don't think everybody needs to be an entrepreneur. I think some people are better suited working for other people. But for the people that want to be entrepreneurs and people that want to find themselves spiritually through entrepreneurship, that's what I'm here for. And that really has become clearer since my dad died.

And then, you know, the other big thing about grief that I don't think a lot of people talk to is all of the grief you'll have to go through without death. So, you know, there's, like, people in my family. My dad was kind of the glue. Like, there's people in my family that I haven't really talked to since he died.

And I don't think that's from any fault of anyone. I think it's just the way that it is, you know? But that's sad because you kind of have to, like, grief people that you. That are still technically alive.

My brother is one of those. My dad and my brother had a lot of toxicity between them. There's a lot of unhealed trauma that never got healed. Even.

Even at the end. It never. It never found resolution and. Or closure.

And so because energy doesn't die, it goes somewhere. So a lot of that, like, toxic energy, it had somewhere to go. And my. My brother kind of stopped talking to me about a year ago now, actually, and hasn't really talked to me, hasn't really spoken to me since.

And that. That has been really hard. And I. I miss him.

I do miss my brother a lot. And, like, I. I can't be the one to resolve the issues between him and my dad. Like, I can't do that.

And as much as he wants to pretend it's my fault, like, it's not. And I can't be any place for that. So part of this grief journey of losing my dad is also included, like, grieving my brother, who is not dead. And you kind of do have to, like, grieve people.

You have to grieve people that are still alive, which is also really weird. And so I think the point of this episode is a grief journey within entrepreneurship is both sacred and personal. And there's a club, and if you know what it feels like, you know what it feels like. And.

And I. I say things like, my dad dying was probably the best thing that could have happened to Me, professionally, I say those things, and that's the truth. And to know that I would trade it all in a heartbeat is weird. I understand that we are all here to fulfill soul contracts.

I understand that we are all here for certain reasons. And, you know, I. I do believe that my dad fulfilled his contract in this life, even if that's not what I envisioned for him. And I do believe that I carry his legacy.

And I do believe that I'm making him proud every day. I do believe that he is everywhere. Every psychic reading I do, every tarot card reading, every medium I meet with is always like, your dad's here. And I'm like, yeah, Dan never missed it.

Dan was a Gemini. Dan never missed an opportunity to be the center of attention. So he is everywhere. He's informing and he's backing.

You know, if you. If you've lost someone, like, they're not gone. They're not earthside anymore, but they are there, and they're. They're around you all the time.

And you can choose to not have that mean anything to you, or you can choose to really tap into that, because intuitively you know that. Intuitively you know that you are protected by the people that have lost, that you've lost. You just have to choose. You have to choose that.

I have to choose that constantly. That's not something that I mean. Yes, there are times where I do deeply just know that, and it's common. Then there's other times when I am going through something hard and all I want is to pick the phone and call my dad, or when I'm going through things great, like the day I got married, all I wanted was to call my dad.

All I wanted was to have him walk me down the aisle, you know, like, all those things. And in those moments, I had to choose to know and believe that he was all around me. So your grief will change over time. And I know this departs from, like, your typical business content, but I thought it was really important, as today is the day.

You know, Dan was a man who. Dan the man. He was always optimistic he could be in the hospital with open heart surgery, and he was dancing and, like, asking other people how they were to a fault, to the point where he took care of other people more than he should have taken care of himself. And that's something that I learned.

That was a lesson that I learned that I am no longer. I'm not repeating and I'm not passing on to my son and his family and my generations to come. I healed that for my lineage. But Dan liked it to make people laugh.

Dan liked to make people smile. Dan liked to make sure that you were taken care of. And, my goodness, did Dan like to dance. So if this episode struck a chord with you, come tell me about it on Instagram.

I would love to chat. You know, message me and, you know, let me know if this episode impacted you in any way. But if there's anything you do today, it's. I always say, dance like Dan.

So many of you who have been part of, who've been with me since he died, the support, you know, I've received in little messages, I see all the times, like, your dad is so proud. He's so proud of you. He's watching you. That none of that goes unnoticed.

And I cherish all of that so deeply. And I know that he would be so pumped to see everything that we've built together. So I hope this is helpful. I hope this resonated with you in some way.

And if you're not on any sort of grief journey, I'm so happy for you. You will be eventually. We all do. The best thing you can do for your friends and family that are in a grief journey is understand that you can't fix it.

Even if your worthiness is currently tied to your ability to fix things, know that grief is not something you can fix for anyone. And the best thing you can do is just be there and, yeah, I love you, dad. And I miss you. You are quite the guy.

Quite the guy. I'll see you in the next episode. Happen.