How have I been saying no? And how can I be better at it? This is the daily Surface podcast with Anthony Unityman. I said yes to finishing his message now and ended up saying no to Solana, my 10 year old, for a commitment I already made to her to play a game, you know, that she came up with, designed, you know, herself.
She agreed, thank God. And no. I didn't say no outright. I mean, playing with her was an earlier commitment to recording this.
So I had to apologize. I said, sorry, Solana, can we postpone time together for an hour or so? Now, I may have put it that way. Right.
Quite gently, it was a request, but in reality, the message was essentially the same. It was a no. It was, nope, I can't, I won't. You also have been saying no all your life.
I mean, apart from the illustrations I made yesterday. Right, about the no's. We said growing up as kids. No to homework, vegetables, cleaning up.
You have been saying all your life, given the yeses that you have been given out. Yes, for example, the social activities. And no to the homework or the work priorities. Yes to daily exercise.
Does this happen to you? No to lingering in bed. Yes to social media browsing. Come on.
No to the book you bought the other year, even before the pandemic. Yes to overtime work. No to coming home for dinner. Yes to phone notifications and reminders.
And no to divine whispers. Ouch. Yes to that one to that person. No to the other one.
Just two things. Just think about this, you know, as you consider having been saying no, and perhaps you can be better at it. Two things. Number one, are we saying no to the right things or to the wrong things?
And number two, are we saying no to the right things but in the wrong way? The first is a question of priority. The second is a question of propriety. Tama ba ang hini.
Hindi An. That's the first one. Priority. Tama ba ang pamaraan.
That's a question of propriety. On the first concern. Three M's. Let's simplify this.
Three M's. Master mission Mate. May my priorities be pleasing to my master. Who is your master?
In my case, it's the God whom I serve. The next M. May my nos and yeses be in line with my mission, my key purpose, my core values in life. Master mission.
And may they be aligned with my mate, of course, the most important person in my life. My wife and partner. Myself. Okay, okay, we can add the other M.
The other M. Minions. Kids. Actually, they're more than just followers.
Minions are Followers, let me assure you. Okay, but these M's trust me. Help me define what I say yes to and no to in my life. Wait, Anthony, what about the other M?
What about the M? The other M, Me, me. Aren't we important too? Am I not important too?
Isn't it true that so many ignore self, neglect self, abuse self in the course of pleasing others? Actually, yes, I do agree. And my master, can I just clarify, is the first to remind me of that. The creator of the creation.
The more I know God my master, the more I realize that taking care of myself, of me, the temple of his holy Spirit is a top priority to him. On the second concern. Okay, so the first one was three M's, but okay, let's make it five. So it's master, mission mate, minions, and me.
Now on the second concern. Do I say no the right way or the wrong way? Not priority, but propriety. And may I suggest the three Rs in this case?
Respect, reason and relationship. May I say, may we say no with due respect? I really love to, but if I say yes to this, trust me, I will not add value to you. I simply can't deliver excellence given my current schedule.
That's a very respectful way of saying no. In other words, right? See, you are thinking of its impact on others. Another way of saying it with respect, I know I already committed.
Okay, so how do you say no to commitment you already made? I know I already committed, but I realized that my earlier commitment to a company in the same industry will compromise my engagement with you. It will bring more damage actually to your organization. So I apologize for that.
But may I refer suggest a replacement? One that will be acceptable to you. That is saying no with respect. In other words, I apologize.
Respect the second R. Reason. Let's simplify this. Come on.
If you can add the why you know behind the no, that might be easier to accept, right? Because the wife is due to deliver. Just explain yourself. Because I cannot assure the timely arrival of my flight.
Are you with me here? Because it's outside of my expertise and trust me, your audience will sense that that is saying no with reason. And then the last one is relationship. The last R on propriety.
Say no the right way. Say what you can do for the relationship, not just what you can't do. Let's say for the specific request or engagement. For example, I can't make it to the conference proper, but let me see what I can do for the closing night.
Did you see that? So you think of the relationship not just a particular engagement or invitation I'm sorry I'm unable to invest in this It's a great investment but I can't at the moment but you know what I'd be happy to share this okay with with others in my next online meeting could you give me some materials in fact could you actually log on right and participate so you can guide me as I offer them this option for investment that is thinking beyond the request looking at the relationship long term I'm afraid this happens a lot to me Publicly endorsing this will conflict with another brand that I'm currently working with but you know what I can sit down with you privately okay to give you some suggestions to your campaign so you look at the relationship not to set the request take a step back and review why you say no to what and keep getting better at how I'd love to keep chatting but I'd rather stop talking before you stop listening I'd be happy to disturb you again tomorrow.