How Narcissistic Mothers Create Anxiety, Perfectionism, and the Fear of Going No Contact with Kirsten Cheong

Reach out! You don't have to explain how crazy she was. We believe you!!!In this episode, Noelani sits down with therapist Kirsten Cheong, LMFT, Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician, for a grounded and validating conversation about what it really means to grow up with a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent. They explore how anxiety, perfectionism, fawning, hypervigilance, and overthinking often trace back to childhood environments where safety depended on reading the room, staying small, and keeping a parent regulated.Kirsten shares how her early clinical work with adults in addiction treatment and children in foster care helped her see the long-term throughline of trauma, especially the way childhood emotional abuse often shows up later as relationship anxiety, people-pleasing, and internalized fear. She explains why many high-functioning adults look calm on the outside while internally spiraling, and how that pattern can be a survival strategy rooted in narcissistic family systems.Together, Noelani and Kirsten talk about fawning as a nervous system response, the impact of walking on eggshells, the way narcissistic parents block healthy individuation, and how survivors often struggle with authenticity because they were never allowed to safely become themselves. They also discuss the “introjected parent,” that harsh internal voice that keeps policing behavior long after the parent is no longer present.The conversation also goes deep into no contact. Kirsten shares why she created her guide for cycle breakers considering no contact with family, especially for those carrying guilt, shame, and cultural conditioning around being a “good daughter” or “good son.” Both Noelani and Kirsten are clear that no contact is a personal choice, not a mandate, but they name how life-changing it can be for people leaving abusive family systems.They also talk honestly about the limits of AI in healing work, the importance of finding a therapist who truly understands narcissistic abuse, and why feeling cared for in a therapeutic relationship matters so much for survivors.In This Episode, We Talk AboutHow anxiety and perfectionism can grow out of narcissistic family systemsWhy high-functioning survivors often look fine on the outside but are overwhelmed insideFawning, hypervigilance, and constant scanning for dangerThe long-term effects of walking on eggshellsWhy narcissistic parents see autonomy and authenticity as a threatThe “introjected parent” and the critical voice survivors carry insideHow guilt keeps adult children stuck in abusive patternsWhat it can look like to choose no contactWhy therapy with the right fit matters so much in narcissistic abuse recoveryAbout the GuestKirsten Cheong is a licensed therapist in California and a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician. She specializes in working with high-functioning, anxious, perfectionistic adults, especially daughters of narcissistic mothers and survivors of emotionally immature family systems.Resources MentionedBeyond Mommy Dearest - Noelani Pearl HernandezBeyond Mommy Dearest Instagram Beyond Mommy Dearest WebsiteDrop in Session Special - $19.99Kirsten’s Guide for Going No Contact with FamilyKristen's InstagramKristen's WebsiteI’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdySupport the show