How to Be Resilient with Samra Zafar

When she was 17, Samra Zafar was forced to marry an older man she'd never met and move to Canada with him. She suffered years of verbal, physical and emotional abuse, but eventually, through hard work and the support of peers, she gained the courage to walk away, and build a new life for herself and her daughters. Now, Zafar is an international speaker, a bestselling author and a med school student at McMaster University. Here, she shares her riveting story with Dr. Jack Muskat, and provides encouragement on how to survive, and even thrive, after difficult situations. Episode 96 webpage LINKS If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, a variety of resources can help. Visit the Ending Violence Association of Canada for a list of services across Canada. Read Samra's book, A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose, co-authored with Meg Masters Check out her Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and her website.   Learn more about Brave Beginnings, the non-profit organization for survivors of oppression that Samra founded. Watch this CBC video on her story.  Watch her TEDtalk about her story. Watch her TEDtalk on the culture of honour. Watch her TEDtalk on being your own hero.  INSIGHTS Samra Zafar grew up in Abu Dhabi, where arranged marriages are common. "The social norms that were surrounding me were all about, you know, girls are supposed to get married. The purpose of a girl is to fulfill the gender role that's prescribed for her," she says. Meanwhile, she was told that her dream of getting an education at a top university would never come true. [04:49]  After relocating to Canada with her husband, Samra was not allowed to leave the house, save money, go to university, or have friends. "I often describe it as being in a place where there's just enough air that I could breathe and barely survive, but not enough to be able to breathe freely and thrive," says Samra. "It was like living in a state of constant suffocation, constant fear and walking on eggshells." [12:02] The first time Samra spoke to a counsellor, everything changed. "That's the first time anyone ever said to me: Samra, it's not your fault. No matter what you do, you do not deserve to be treated this way," she says. "Suddenly, everything that I had internalized for all those years, suddenly it had a name. It was abuse. And it was not okay, and it was not normal." Through counselling, she realized that she had been normalizing abuse, and she now needed to break that cycle not just for herself, but for the safety and wellbeing of her daughters. [20:10] After walking away, Samra met people who praised and appreciated her intelligence and ambition: the same qualities she'd always been told to suppress. "I was able to find friends, professors, mentors, who are my chosen family. That's the family that I consider, even today," says Samra. "When you meet someone that you feel connected to, reach out…. When we connect authentically with others, that raises our resilience…it shows us that we're not alone." [24:30] Since Samra has been sharing her story with the world, she's been able to regain her trust in herself. She was able to achieve the dreams that once seemed impossible. Now, she runs a nonprofit called Brave Beginnings that helps other abuse survivors gain their own strength. "There's a lot of life, and there's a lot of beauty, after trauma and adversity," she says. "I'm living proof of that. And my mission in life is to help others make that a reality for themselves as well." [37:55]