Oh my god. Hey, the king! Oh my god! Oh my god!
God, it's fucking wild. That is the greatest way to ever start a podcast in the history of podcasts. Incredible. Welcome to the show, maybe everybody.
It's live. Okay, well we're definitely... We're doing it. We're doing it.
I have a guest. It's Emily Butler and I don't know what you're about to say, but I'm not going to go there. Okay. I want to know so bad.
Yeah, maybe that's an after the show thing. We're not. I'm not trying to dive deep into your life. But more about what it...
You control where you want to go when it comes to you, okay? I'm not. I don't need to know what makes you tick. Just how are things that help people with creative...
Perfect. Right. We can go deep into my life. I've already done that.
I feel like I know you now. I don't think anybody can see me because if they could, they already would have. Because I definitely talk too much about people. If you were in my life, I'm going to mention you.
I actually kind of wanted to talk about it. About what? Well, about feel-free. I'll add a bit more.
I'll add a bit more. The letter fits me off. The letter. Yeah.
The letter you got from them. Wow. Yeah, that is. See, that's the thing where I know the guy...
I mean, I don't know. I never made him face to face, but I was sponsored by the company. And it was introduced to me through, I believe, five people I think it was MMA thing. And this is before.
I knew it's weird. We did it on the Jason on the show when we were on satellite radio. A weight lifter guy came in who was him and his brother had been addicted to, I believe, pain meds or maybe even something more severe or eventually got to that. And then they got off by using cradam, which is a thing that people do, I'm aware of that.
And he had red ones and the green ones. And he was like, you got to try it. And one of the guys that worked for the channel, it was like a boss of mine who I'd known since I said he was the one that got me the job at SiriusXM, Will Pindavus. Good guy, love the guy.
Was super adamant about not taking it and how serious it was. And myself and Tully laughed at him. And I was like, give me some of these things. And this is back when I was drinking and using it at the time, I was like responsibly because there's levels to this game.
You know, like when you come up the way I came up, like, you know, like I have jokes in my stand up, but when I did cocaine, I made shapes of countries with my drugs. You know, I didn't do a line. I made, I would buy enough to make a shape of a country. That's how I did it.
So like later on in life where I would have some wine with dinner and smoke weed 24 hours a day, that was, I'd got it taken care of. I had it handled, you know, and then I had a heart condition. So I'm sorry, I'm jumping. So the guy, the weightlifting guy, nice guy gave me some.
I took it. I couldn't even feel it. And I was like, oh, yeah, I was like, yeah, I took like whatever the pills were. He's like, the red ones, good energy.
Same as the weight thing like Sotiva, it's a TV thing where I'm like, shut up. Just give me the weight. That's it. I don't care what one it is.
I work out on on India. I'll go to sleep on to TV like shut up. Nobody. That's my opinion.
I'm sure maybe it's different for everybody, but I never really in the end, I was like, what has the most THC in it that give me that one. I don't care about the rest of it. And with the creative thing, when I first did it, I didn't feel it at all. So that was even more of a reason to make fun of it.
And the only person I knew was this guy, Will, who was like, very serious about, he would get annoyed and we discovered that he would get annoyed. So we would bring it up more sarcastically to piss him off by saying, everybody should do crazy. He's like, no, no, they shouldn't. It's very dangerous.
And we were like, actually, I think it's really good. And we were joking because we didn't even think it worked. That's how stupid that we thought it was. And that was several years before, you know, I was no, I was, I think it was, I was still that serious.
When feel free started, I'm not sure. I can't remember. I think it was around the time I'm podcasting started. But I have a heart that goes into AFib.
And that was shocking stuff. First couple of times I wasn't sure what it was. I went to a doctor, got tested and went to a cardiologist. And at one point I was diagnosed with Kawasaki disease.
Someone said I had heart disease. And then I went to like one of the top specialists in the country and got all these tests. And he's like, you don't have any of that. He's like, you've just got to part of your heart is a little enlarged.
And it can go into AFib. He's like, a lot of people suffer from this. A lot of people that drink a lot get it around Christmas time. It's a thing that happens when people drink too much.
And if you can't get your heart to go back out AFib, you can have a stroke. So the first couple of times it ever happened to me, I thought I was going to die. They were like, I think the first time that was heavy, I was in the hospital. They were like, we're going to knock you out and we're going to let you shoot your heart back into regular rhythm.
And I was like, that's a guy that's dying. As far as I'm concerned. So my life flash before my eyes. And it was one of those times where I was like, I will not drink anymore.
But I didn't go into the program or anything. I was just like, it's pretty easy not to drink. If you think if you drink, you're going to die. So I was like, that'll do.
If you could potentially die, it's not enough to stay sober. So that's when the last time it happened, I was like, right, that's in my quick drinking. And someone said you can do cratum. And I was like, I have heard about that.
But I'll do the shot. And that was when the feel freeze came. And I did feel it. And I was like, Oh, it's nowhere near as good as a beer.
But it's better than nothing. And I'll take anything I can get because I'm not allowed to have a beer. And I even asked the doctor, my cardiologist, and he didn't know what cratum was. And he was like, I think that's OK.
Because when I was going through it, every doctor, I spoke to three different doctors because I had all these symptoms from creating use. None of them knew what I was going on the phone. Yeah, they really don't. It's kind of crazy, but it's funny.
They might now because it's more prevalent. There's more. I'm also less surprised that the medical world doesn't know things now because of my amount of injuries that I've had and having doctors do MRIs and telling me that I'm bone on bone and there's no cure for it. And I say, what about stem cells and they go, well, that hasn't been proven to work.
And I'm like, you know how I tore my MCL because my knees work again, because I had stem cells. So you're incorrect. And they're like, well, it still has a bit scientifically proven. I'm like, the voice that is on the phone with you right now is scientifically proven.
Like it did work, not to mention the other like 40, 50 personal friends that I know are not lying that can use their body in better ways now because of stem cells. That's that's it. That's it. That's it.
So I will not be, you know, and I was like, wow, this is the person that is that went to school. This is a medical doctor telling me that it doesn't work. So he's not as smart as I thought he was, which made me dead off the whole industry now because I'm like, you're telling you tell me that I can never do sports again when a natural fact I can do sports and you are incorrect. And you're supposed to be the guy that is the wiser of the two.
So getting back to the creative thing, I do these feel freeze and I'm starting to, you know, I'm an addict. So one's good. I'm doing them after I train. Like people said, it's a funny thing.
People go, it's a great after workout drink. And I was like, so's heroin. You know what? Because if you work out and then you do a little bit of heroin, you feel you feel better.
You know, like it's a fun. You're like, well, that's ridiculous. I'm like, I agree. It is.
And so is cratum, depending on this is the show, the episode that could trigger people. So we have to get to explain myself over and over again. I'm sure you understand. It got to the point where, you know, maybe three a day, four a day and that went for a while.
And then it started to turn to five or six. When it got to five or six, that's when I started to realize that there was a problem, because I would wake up in the morning and feel hungover from them. And the only thing to fix that was to do another one. And that became where I because of my addictive personality, I was aware that, um, oh no, we're doing it again with something that is like weaker.
And like you can get these at the liquor store. Yeah. This is embarrassing that I need one of these and my ex wife wife at the time, she started doing them and we were both, I would get cases sent. I was sponsored.
They paid me. Oh, so you weren't spending like thousands of dollars on these? Well, I started to buy, they would only give me one case. And my wife at the time and I were smashing way more than that.
So then I was going to the local liquor store and buying cases of them. And sometimes there were ones where they were off. They'd been in the sun or they were older. I'm not sure what it was, but I started to understand the different kinds.
And they would fizz up, like they would fizz it and like explode a little bit when you'd open them and they tasted really bad. They already don't taste good. These ones were like drive reaching. And again, again, at the time I could not understand that they were so bad and I still drank it.
I took them. This is embarrassing. I took them to Columbia. I didn't know if that's legal, but I took cases of them to Columbia when I went to get the stem cell treatment and drank them every day.
Well, I was in Columbia and they were like, you know, you do a plant-based diet. You don't drink alcohol and I was like, well, these are these are great. And they didn't worry about it. They didn't know.
I didn't tell them. I was like, this is herbal. Why would I mention it? It's like drinking dirt water.
Like it's not a bad thing. And there were times they were I threw up. It was later on after I got divorced and my manager started to re-started to catch on every now and then I would go to the bathroom and throw up. And she was like, did you just throw up?
And I was like, yeah, and she's like, why? I'm like, I sometimes I do too much. Crater makes me see. And she's like, you don't think that's a problem?
And I was like, no, like let's go. I'm going to the show. Like don't worry about it. I wasn't such denial about it too for so long.
It seems like that's kind of a part of the puzzle where a lot of people do this thing where they say that it's not that bad. And because there is so much, especially some mine was three years ago. I don't know how long ago you were using. I've been sober for in 20 days, two months, two years.
Awesome. But so when I started, like most everything I read about freedom was positive. Being that microphone. Oh, so most of everything I read when I started taking freedom was positive.
Like it's great for stress, depression, anxiety, energy. It's a great natural pain reliever. A lot of people would take it for pain. And so I thought I was doing something healthy and then until people started being concerned and also me having side effects, then I was like, what were your side effects?
Super irritable, really bad brain fog. Like I started not being able to sleep through the night without waking up and taking more freedom. When I'd wake up, like I felt like a zombie until I would take it. So the first doctor I went to said, this is, oh, and I would have restless legs at night.
Like I've been too long since I had my last dose. I get restless legs. And I told him, I said, I am taking creative a few times a day. And it was probably more than that.
But that's what I told him in. He goes, no, and then that's fine. That's not it. He goes, this all sounds very hormonal.
Oh, wow. You've got to do that. Well, I had a baby months before. So it goes, this is all kind of normal.
Like your body's just readjusting. Well, you had a baby and then you got into cradam. I started creating them before I got pregnant. Yeah, I took in this is, I mean, obviously something I'm not proud of, but I took it in.
No. Well, I had my suspicions because I didn't, my heavy use and it started until after the baby, because I joined on Facebook. There was a group of thousands of women. It was called creative and pregnancy and thousands of women were taking creative and well pregnant.
And most of them said like, thank God for creating them. I wouldn't have gone through this pregnancy without it. But there was some that said, like, make sure that you lean off before you give birth because when you give birth, like the baby will have withdrawal symptoms. And I mean, that does make sense.
Yeah. And but everybody said like, besides being born with withdrawal, like, or maybe withdrawing, like there's no, but also there's no, I don't think people have been using cradam all that long. So there's really no data. So I was very cautious about it.
I was trying not to take it every day, like only like in really bad situation, like high, high anxiety situations, but I was taking it and I will tell you that. So my baby was born, not breathing, but it wasn't because of cradam. And then I even asked my doctor, I said, I like have all the skill. Like I feel like this is my, all I was taking cradam and it was because of the umbilical cord, not getting so the baby was in the NICU.
And I remember having so much guilt. But what I will say is the baby I just had last summer was born with spina bifida. And had I been doing cradam and she was born. That's all I would have.
I could have never lived with myself. I got a friend that has spina bifida. And he is one of the most legendary skateboarders in the world. Are you serious?
Steve Caballera. I have to look him up. That's so cool. Just saying.
Yeah. It's not going to sit up here. He's 60. He's 60 and he's killing it.
He's he's the greatest 60 year old skateboarder alive. There's not even a question about that. But his career is there's only one more person that has a more illustrious career than him. And that's Tony Hawk.
Steve Caballera is number two out of all people. Yeah, I know nothing about Skateboard. I got this guy. Googling.
It's a sweetheart too. I got to tell you. He rides supercross still. He rides Moto and skates.
When I got the diagnosis for my daughter, I was 20 weeks pregnant and I googled because I didn't know what it was. I googled it and saw images and was people in wheelchairs and then when I went to read about it, said like you don't usually live past 40 and I just broke down. But I've not learned that's all old information. Conceptions in every case is different.
I learned about it from Steve Caballera. Yeah. I was like, he has a band. He's next little bit.
And I was like, what's his neck like that for? And someone's like, you don't know. I'm like, I don't know. He got some kind of iffy.
And I'm like, what's that? And then you're talking about God with no education. That was like, I love skateboarding so much. I will learn about some kind of if you're through Steve Caballera.
And like there was certain tricks he couldn't do because he couldn't look to the side. And then he ended up figuring it out like he just pushed through. And that's like one of those stories where it's like you can have, you know, any kind of difficulty in life. But if you push through, you can do things you can do it just as much as anybody else.
It's all how you it's all mental. He's like I said, like at this point in the game, the 60 year old people that can do what he does at Tony's ramp, you know, there's most people in skateboarding at 15, 25 can't do what he can do now. They don't know what he can do on a dirt bike. Like it's an incredible athlete still.
Amazing person. So yeah, there's different forms of fine of fita. Right. But yeah, but it is crazy.
And there's also so there's thousands and thousands of people on like these Facebook groups and these Reddit groups and they're one side or the other pro cratum or anti-creatum. But there is like a group of creative sobriety on Facebook, like 40,000 followers. Okay. People like trying to get off-grid on.
Okay. But yeah, but yeah, there is also one of thousands of women who are pregnant taking great. Well, let me talk about this thing we brought up earlier in the show before the show started about the psychosis thing. Yeah.
Because I'm not really familiar with with with with, you know, I've heard about things like I've heard about marijuana can do that. You know, I remember Andrew Huberman saying, you know, the marijuana now is so strong that it can cause psychosis and you talk to a guy. I've been smoking weeks and I was like 11, you know, and I'm like 54. I've had no marijuana in my system for two years.
Every other part of my life I've added in me. And I'm like, am I the most stable person I've ever met? No, no, like would you say psycho, psychotic? No, like maybe I think people have gone Jason's psychotic at skateboarding or he's done things that are dangerous to the point where it's, it's like he's psychotic, you know, not, but not, they're not clinically saying I am a mad man, like, watch out.
But now that I'm sober, you know, I was telling you before the show, there are things that I did that I look at now where I don't really know who that person is, you know, like I don't really. And I was mixing marijuana and create them together. The things you were doing. I think it got, I think I was already pretty bad.
But when it came to the cradle, my biggest thing with it was I was already, I've always been about me. I've always been very, not narcissistic because I got confused with that for a while. I used to think that I was a narcissist and then said friend of mine was like, do you care? Like, like, why do you think you're a narcissist?
And I was like, because my ex wife called me one and she was like, right, do you do you care about that? And I was like, yeah, like, I hate myself for like the things I've done. She's like, well, just so, you know, that's not a narcissistic trait. Like you're not like, if you're aware of the things you do, that's kind of like, it kind of like gets you out of that.
And I was like, okay, well, I'm just an asshole. That's like, consume with himself. I'm very, you know, now that I've done a lot of work, thanks to, you know, going to meeting and stuff, like I have done a lot of stuff. I didn't feel loved as a child for whatever reason.
It's not my parents fault. They were raised a certain way too. But I do things that make me look cool. One, because it keeps me busy.
I don't want to face myself. I don't want to face my childhood. It's another thing that I used to run like if I'll do a stunt, it's dangerous. If I focus very hard on accomplishing something, that's an also a way of running from me, you know, like I got a, I got a target.
I go for it until I get it. And then as soon as I get it, I got to get another target because I don't want to be stuck here with just like, oh, yeah, just with me, like, oh, so though, all those things, that's the most confusing thing that because when you're, I'm old, you know, now I'm like, I'm a comedian podcast. Everyone's like, you've done this. You've done that.
What are you going to do next? And I'm like, be happy. You know, I don't really care. Like this show, I was trying to tell you like the people like it better when you do this.
And I'm like, I don't care what you think. Like I do this show now. It costs me money. It doesn't make me money.
It costs me money. But I know that every episode I do, the ones that I do by myself, it helps one person without fail, sometimes 20, sometimes 100. But at least one person goes, man, I really appreciate you talking the way you do because it's helped me with my sobriety or with my addiction or with my relationships or whatever it is because I have messed up everything and I've got past it. I think there is great healing in other people's stories.
Like if somebody can be wait to you and see how you healed or that you got past it and what you're doing now, like it is, it's inspiring and knowing like I can do that. And it's more important than money and fame, you know, I've, and that's the other thing. I'm very fortunate. I have had money and I have been kind of famous.
So I can't, it's not, I didn't read it in a book. I had it and I can tell you that it's not, it doesn't make you happy. It's not, it didn't make me happy at all. I've had, I've said this so before at one point, I did Ellis, meaning at the hard rock, sold it out 3000 people.
There was a lady that walked in front of me in the circle bar and she had my name tattooed on her. There's people that have named their children after me. I was making a million dollars a year. And after the event, I went back to my room, you know, everybody wants to sleep with me, which I thought that was cool as well.
And I was not happy. And I was like, wait, this is everything I ever wanted. And I'm not happy. And then, and then I lost my job at Sirius.
I got divorced. I can't afford to pay everybody. I pay everybody. I have back credit card tax things where I'm just like sunk.
I'm about to declare bankruptcy. And I'm digging my way out of it now, but I've never been happier with like nothing. Like I still have, I have a house. I have a girlfriend.
Like I have beautiful pets. I have my friend, let me see her horse every day. Like it's kind of like it's our horse now. I kind of have a horse and he's a very, he's a bu glorious horse.
Like to me, it's like a rich person's horse, you know, he's a very stunning, excellent horse. So I'm very lucky with all these other things, but it's not about that. It's because I've done the work. I don't run if bad bad things happen.
Like to everybody. I never run from any of it. Do you feel like you are content now in like day to day life or do you still feel like you need something? Like something's missing.
Oh, no, nothing's missing. Oh, OK, the hardest thing for me is my children. My children live with their mother. Yeah, they don't live with me at all.
They don't see me anywhere near as much as they used to. And I know that they're 16 and 20 and they're at the ages now where they're busy seeing their friends. Yeah. And they see their mother more kind of.
I mean, she has a lot of money. So like she took her, my daughter away to London the other day and I would. Yeah, I can't. I can't even like buy a birthday gift.
It's like not going to be good. You know, I'm not rolling in it anymore. So that plays me a little bit. But that's but also they say things now that they've never said to me about how proud they are of me for being sober and how much better of a person I am, which kind of feels good and hurts.
Because I'm like, well, that means that I could have been better when they were younger. Do you think maybe that's why they're not around now? Because of did you think like the past they hold a grudge or like I might maybe, you know, like and I wouldn't blame them. Yeah, you know, there's some things that I did when it comes to sex and being on the radio and talking about it and having an only fans where I did stuff and some of the kids sent it to them.
So they have been picked on at school for what I have done and it's why did I do that? Like because I was only thinking about me. I wasn't thinking about them and that's a terrible parent and I have to face it. That's like that's a thing that I am guilty of.
I did that. And if I have to pay for the rest of my life, which I was like, I am and then that's what that's what's going to happen. They're beautiful kids. They're good people.
But I don't think I do believe they love me. I'm just being honest where that's the thing that bugs me the most about my life is, hey, what are you up to today? They're like, I'm busy, you know, and I'm like, well, that's also the age. I know.
And their mother has also said that she's like, just so you know, like if I if they had their own houses, they wouldn't see me either. Like they're busy doing their thing, but it does because of my past, I can't help thinking. Maybe you'd have a better relationship if you weren't all about yourself so much, you know, in the past. But all I can do is be a good father now.
Yeah, I can go back. Right. But apart from that, yeah, everything's really good. Yeah, my girlfriend is too cute.
I'm so lucky, which is funny. That doesn't mean anything, but I appreciate that. But it's got nothing to do with me. I love her because of who she is, not because of what she looks like.
And old me, I'll be honest, that meant like 10%. If you're cool, that's cool. But like, are you hot and do you want to have sex with a lot of people all the time? That was like my that's the go to for me.
And now it's like, you should have grown a lot. Yeah. In two years, what I've done compared to the 50. So what got you off me or on in Cratum?
Like, what was the turning point there? What? Your wife? Yeah.
Yeah, it wrecked me. You just knew something had to change. Or you had to change. I didn't want to live anymore.
The only reason I didn't ask myself is because I was like, if you ask yourself, that's the last thing you're going to do for your children. That's selfish. Yeah. And I'm like, have you not been, you've already, you're already the most vulgarness I've ever seen, you know, I'm like a failed, broad steward of sorts.
It's just like, you know, people like us, you know, what's next? What am I going to do? What am I? Me, me, me, I'm going to win.
I'm going to get money and everyone's going to love me. And it's like, what about your kids? You're just thinking about yourself. You're on the road, you know, you're hustling to make the next big thing.
And I'm like, or you could have been home. You know, there was a time say where I took my kids, you know, everything. I never said no, I'm not taking you, but I did it reluctantly. Like I went to soccer games.
I took them all to all the games. But you didn't want to go there. I wanted to get high. I couldn't wait for it to end and them to go back to their mothers so that I could get high again.
And that's a crappy dad, you know. So now the price is, well, now you want to hang out with them and they're busy doing their thing, you know. So it's so good. You know what's cool is I feel like I'm closer with my dad now than I ever was.
And now he gets to be grandpa and he's an amazing grandpa. I actually said he enjoys being a grandpa more than he did a father. I've heard that too. It's funny.
I have heard that and I'm really looking forward to that day when that switch flips. But right now, Jason Ellis here from Jason Ellis Show 2.0. Greatest show sweeping the nation. Everybody's down low.
I'm huge now. Let's talk about sweat. I'm a guy that sweats more than anybody I've ever met. I challenge anybody to a sweat off.
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People say to me, why do I use Mando? Well, because they sent me a bunch of stuff and I tried. I don't think. Once I've been good to go, they got the odor wipes man.
That is like a game changer for me. Sometimes I skate and then I drive and then I train and then I drive and then I do a podcast. And yes, do I sweat with doing a podcast? I shouldn't admit it, but yeah, I do.
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Amanda's got you covered with the odorant plus sweat control. Say goodbye to sweat stains and say hello to long lasting fresh. But yeah, those, those. I do have another question.
Okay. I mean, you didn't really tell like how you got off of it, but when you said you were basically suicidal. Yeah. Had you stopped taking Kratum?
Oh. And I asked this for a specific reason. It definitely got worse before it got better. So when I first did, I didn't know anything about quick K or anything.
It was, it was actually Andrew Huberman. I called him once again, very lucky to have somebody in my phone of that level who I trusted. And I was like, dude, I'm losing it over here. Like I've lost my job.
I've lost my wife. I mean, I've lost my family. I'm just here in this house by myself. And I've got to quit.
And I tried at once. And at one point, that made it even more terrifying because the withdrawals were worse than I thought they would be. And I was like, oh, no, like I'm sick. Like I can't even respond.
I can't have a conversation with anybody when I don't do this for a whole day. Like I can't talk. I can't think of anything else in my life. And he said, look, some people wean themselves off.
And that's usually a good way. But he's like, I know you. You're a tough guy. You can take it.
He said, white knuckle. He said, you can white knuckle it. And I was like, what? He's like, it's going to be like three days.
Real bad. He's like, get away from everybody. Lock yourself up. And he's way smarter than I am.
But that's not the advice I would have given. Yeah. Because now that I've, no. Because when I thought, when you're saying you're suicidal, I thought your experience was post-acute with Drus syndrome.
So after you quit, create on more any opioid substance, like you don't have the hit on your opioid receptors. So you have no dopamine. Like people go with like big depressions, even if the white didn't leave them or even if nothing bad is happening. Like I was suicidal after I quit.
I'm glad that it was like that because it made it easier for me to not go back because of how hard, you know, I was in the middle of my ex wife was still living in the house. And I got Airbnb and did four days. And on the third day, I had to do neat. I couldn't barely sleep.
I would pass out a few seconds, wake up. I started rocking back and forth for maybe two weeks. If I was ever still, I would catch myself doing it and stop doing it. But if I didn't catch myself, I was just do it.
I was tweaking. On the third day, I was, I had the heater on. It was like 84 degrees in this Airbnb. I had a hoodie on sweatpants, cut it in a blanket.
And I was like, my hand, my wrist started locking up. My wrist would lock in like this to my chest. And I couldn't open my hands and I wanted to roll a joint. And I couldn't make my hands open to roll a joint.
So I was like, I'll turn the jacuzzi on and I'll get in the jacuzzi and heat myself up and off my hands to open. And when I went to go out there, this was the worst part. I started to have a little bit of a seizure of sorts where I was like, I'm now like, I can't control anything. And I couldn't get in the jacuzzi.
And I sat down next to it. It was like a red brick ground. And I fell to my side and I was on my side. And I didn't, well, I managed at the time she didn't say it until like a week later.
But she was like, I was about to call an ambulance because I thought you were about to die. And I don't recommend this technique. But I hit my head on the concrete on purpose to like stun myself, to like loosen. Yeah.
So I hit my head on the ground and it kind of stopped loosening me up a little bit. So drag myself in the jacuzzi with all my clothes on and heated up enough for me to like throw out. And then I rolled a joint with like wet hands made like this really sketchy doobie. It smoked it and it kind of got me enough to go to not go to hospital.
I'm crying, you know, and it was all the bad with no good, you know, it was just all everything that I, everything bad that's ever happened to me was just like hitting me. And it was all my fault. So there was, there was just so much sorrow and pain. And I was my buddy was screaming to have some cradam screaming.
And then when I made it through that, the next day, I was like, I still, I had, I still had withdrawals for I think it was 36 days. I went to meetings. I was so sad. I was still trying to do stand up comedy.
And I was like going to shows and people were like, what's wrong with you man? I'm like, I don't really see the point of living anymore. Like people would go, wow, dude, like, why are you here? Like, what are you doing?
And I don't know how I have any friends, honestly, like I definitely lost most of the other thing. Most of my friends were my ex-wives friends and they stopped hanging out with me because I cheated on her. You know, and when I cheated on her, she was like, I want to divorce her. And I was like, good, because I didn't want to talk.
I didn't want to communicate with her. I was like, I'd rather you leave than try to sort this out because I don't want to, I don't have any energy to hear what you, I didn't feel sorry for her until months later. And then I regretted it deeply and she fell in love with somebody else and that was the end of it. There's no coming back.
I lost her for good. And that was like somebody that I thought I was going to die with, you know. And you know why? Because of me, not her.
It's all me. Have you ever heard of like an addict like becoming sober and having like a spiritual awakening? I did. Common.
I wish I had been sooner, but I definitely had a spiritual awakening from doing. I'm a guy that I have hail Satan tattooed on my neck, Emily. I'm an angry boy. Like very angry.
You kind of seem like a teddy bear. Because it was always in there. It was always in there. But there was this thing where, you know, I got this from therapy.
Like, I made this to protect the inner child that was used and hurt, you know. And I built this because it's like, you try to do something to me again. You got the wrong guy now. Like you try to touch little Jason.
Big Jason's going to be here and he's going to wreck shop, you know, which is like, it's not who I am. I'm not a violent person. I don't like hurting people. Even when I had profiles, like I don't, I want to win, but I don't want to hurt you, you know, like the last fighter, the profiter had his arm was breaking and I was begging him to tap and he wouldn't tap.
And when he finally like, he was screaming and the ref, yeah, I mean, the ref when he got when they've broke it up, I tried to console the guy and the ref was like, get off him. And I was like, but he's arm. You know, and then I saw the interview before and the guy was like, this guy thinks he's going to be like, he spoke very, very meanly about me. And I did, I was like, he's a really tough guy.
I mean, I, I, I were going to put on a show. Like I didn't want anything bad to happen to the guy. I felt terrible. So I'm not that guy.
I know people are fighting. They want to hurt people for whatever reason. I can just tell from what I've listened to on your episodes that you do really care about people. Like you do want to help.
I do. It's not, it's, but that's, that makes it worse because it's, because when you realize the way I've lived my life, how I've always been about me, you know, like I have deep regret about my ex-wife and how I treated her. And then I even, it got, it went further. I have deep regret about my kids' mother and went way past.
We were never supposed to be with each other. And, and I, I love her now. Like with friends again, I'm going to Thanksgiving at her house. That would have never happened.
I would have never asked. She would have never allowed it. And now she's like, who you are now? It's amazing.
And yes, you and your girlfriend can come over. We'd love to have you. That if you had told me that in any other period of my life, I would laugh in your face. Like there's no way who did somebody offer me a million dollars to do that?
Cause that sounds like, I used to hate hanging out with their in-laws. I used to hate anybody that wasn't high in trying to have sex. If you weren't doing those two things, it was like, you're boring. It was, it was not boring.
It was torture. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to be in the room with you. It was so gay.
I hated you. And now I'm like gay. Also, I did a lot of gay stuff. Because at one point, you know, no offense to the gay community, but like it's a lot of guys, you know, they'll just have sex with people and you don't have to talk or...
So were you not gay? You just did it for the sex? Yeah. Yeah.
It was just a half sex. I have no interest in that at all. I kind of cringe about it. Which also makes it difficult.
Cause I did it. I talked about it. There's a video of it. I did it on OnlyFans.
People, you know, people hate. Please don't. I try to get it as much of it as a race as possible, but some of those guys just kept using it. They don't care.
And that's not their fault. Like, that's the other thing, you know, from doing the work. I don't blame anybody. You know, if my wife hates me, if her friends hate me, I don't blame them.
I'm not mad at them. I was an asshole. So... And Guillermo and Shane and regret, it doesn't even look good.
Right. People, I was abused by a lot of people when I was a kid. I forgave them. And people were like, how could you do that?
Because I'm carrying it. It's like heart people, heart people. It just makes me suffer. And I've paid my dues.
I don't need to suffer anymore. Like, I want to be happy for being alive. Not because I got a million dollars or because something cool happened. I sold tickets to a show or everybody loves my podcast.
Like, these are fake feelings. Like, what is real? That's why I go back to my kids. You know, my kids want to hang out with me or I spend time or I have an interesting conversation with either one of them.
That lasts forever. There's no, you know, when it goes away, I need another one. Like, that's just like forever. The conversations I have with my girlfriend because she's sober too.
And she's like a level-headed, beautiful person. And it's like, I can tell what's going on with you right now. Come outside. Let's pray for a second.
And be like, what are you grateful for? And it calms me down. It makes me realize. And I'm like, oh my God, I have somebody in my life that can catch that.
And like, help me with the struggles that I've never had in my life. I've never had anyone that would understand that. Who you choose as your life partner is like the most impactful thing on your mental health. Right.
And I think I was always, I don't want this to be, say I'm like, I'm negative towards anyone. I'm negative towards any of my partners. I don't blame any of them. I just know that what I'm looking for now is not any of that.
And because the things that I was looking for, I'm not sure. But I got a funny feeling my ex-wife didn't want to do any of the things she did either. I think if I was me now, she would have been like, I like this, Jason. Like, I don't want to sleep with a bunch of people.
She'd be like, could, but at the time, she was like, we should sleep with other people. Because you thought you wanted. I don't know that for sure, but I do have a funny feeling that that is kind of the case. So I kind of built her into this thing that was something she didn't want to be.
But all those, all that hurt, you know, and that's why all the work, you know, I used to pray and I didn't know who I was praying to. I was just so desperate. Cause I was like, if you don't do all this work and take advice from these other sober people, even though some of it seemed like a crock, I just kept doing it over and over again until one day. It became super apparent that I now have answers, you know, like I pray for answers to do the right thing.
And it's actually, I got knocked out skating. It was weird to say I've told it before, but I prayed not to get hurt this day. Cause I knew I was going to push it. And I got knocked out.
And I woke up in on Tony's and he's like, Hey, man, where are you? And I'm like, Oh man, I got knocked out again. And he's like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, just so you know, I've been asking him for the last 15 minutes.
He didn't know who you were. So it was a good one. And I've been knocked out like over 30 times. So a lot of hits.
And then I waited a couple of hours and I drove home and the whole time driving home was a voice just to kill yourself. And I've been knocked out a lot. So like I understand when you get a concussion, there's like a dark part of it. You know, I used to cry.
I get knocked out. I got knocked out real good. If I had a shower, it would make me cry. Or if it rained, it would cry.
And I wasn't sad. And I was like, Oh, wow, you're like, your mood has shifted from hitting your head like serious stuff. And this time there was this voice and I was like, man, you've hit your head hard. This voice is really going.
And it went, you know, this is back when I was like still very depressed, you know, so weird. I had a pug has a Tony Hawk and it was the worst time in my life. And I'm like, this is the greatest job you could ever have. And I was like, you know, it's okay.
So that night is telling me all night. I'm sitting on this couch by myself, hearing this voice, telling to kill myself for like eight hours from hitting my head to bed. There's a long time I wake up in the morning. And a voice was like, you'll be all right, man.