Anticipatory Grief: How to Love Fully When You Know Loss Is Coming (Grief Recovery & Healing Series part 9) [256]

Grief doesn't wait for loss to arrive. Sometimes it shows up early — sitting beside you while someone you love is still right there. That's anticipatory grief, and if you've ever felt your mind drift to a future without someone while they're still in the room, you already know it. In this episode of Joy Lab, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek explore the Eighth Gate of Grief: the grief, stress, anxiety, and dread that can accompany an expected loss — whether that's a terminal diagnosis, a parent's cognitive decline, a marriage ending, or even broader fears about the world your kids will inherit. Anticipatory grief can be a mentally and emotionally exhausting experience, and it doesn't get nearly enough airtime in conversations about mental health. Importantly, this episode won't tell you how to stop anticipatory grief — because you shouldn't. Research suggests it can actually support healing. What it will give you: science-backed tools for staying present, a simple framework for saying what matters most before it's too late, and honest guidance on sustaining yourself through anticipatory grief. If anxiety, depression, or stress around future loss is weighing on you — or someone you love — this one's for you. This episode is part of a 10-part series on grief. You can jump in here and circle back to Episode 248 when you're ready.   p.s. Find a Simple Joy practice for this episode right here at our blog.     About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek. The podcast is best paired with the Joy Lab Program. Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating (Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North and your donations are tax-deductible).   Listen & follow the Joy Lab Podcast on your favorite listening app: Spotify | Apple | YouTube   Like and follow Joy Lab on Socials: Instagram | LinkedIn Watch on YouTube     Key moments: [00:00] — Introduction to the Eighth Gate: Anticipatory Grief [00:45] — What anticipatory grief is: the grief we feel in advance of an expected loss — terminal illness, dementia, a marriage ending, fears about the future of our planet or our children's world [01:00] — The extra "frosting" of this gate: dread, helplessness, and worry about what hasn't happened yet [01:15] — Anticipatory grief and cancer [02:30] — Anticipatory grief and Alzheimer's [04:00] — "We are apprentices to our grief, every time" — on never mastering grief, only practicing it [05:00] — FOBO: Fear Of Being Over — an earlier Joy Lab concept that connects to anticipatory grief and the pull away from the present moment [05:45] — Normalizing anticipatory grief: the goal is not to stop it, but to understand it [06:15] — The science: research on anticipatory grief shows it can actually be helpful — those who grieved some before a spouse died tended to have better outcomes afterward [07:30] — The void that often hits a month after a loss, when others return to their lives; how anticipatory grieving can build a support network that remains [08:00] — Anticipatory grief and early-onset Alzheimer's [13:45] — What anticipatory grief is really about: acceptance; facing truth instead of pushing it away [14:15] — Recognizing avoidance  [14:45] — Anticipatory grief as a gift: time to say what needs to be said, to be present differently, to love fully even while grieving [15:15] — Practicing loving fully amidst grief; being kind to yourself about grieving while the person is still present; holding both the grief of the future and the goodness of the present — they can happen at the same time [16:45] — The Four Things That Matter Most (Dr. Ira Byock, hospice physician): Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. [17:15] — Why saying these things — even imperfectly — creates completion and reduces regret [19:15] — The gift anticipatory grief offers that sudden loss cannot: the chance to share grief with someone, say the four things, have the conversation together [20:00] — Tending to your own wellbeing during anticipatory grief; checking your energy and nourishment levels; you have to take breaks, let people help, do nourishing things for yourself — it's not selfish, it's sustainable [21:45] — Small ways to refuel: a walk, a phone call, sitting outside, noticing breath; don't wait until you're depleted — build it in now; Letting people support you; they often want to help but don't know how — be specific; "Can you bring dinner Tuesday? Can you sit with her while I go to the store?" [22:30] — Anticipatory grief is a marathon, not a sprint; pace yourself; stepping back to breathe and enjoy lightness is not denial — it's wisdom [23:30] — Closing quote from Rilke: "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."   Sources and Notes for this full grief series: Joy Lab Program: Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with step-by-step practices to help you build and maintain the elements of joy in your life.  Grief Series: The Grief Series: The Wholeness of Being Human [part 1, ep 248] Everything We Love, We Will Lose: Navigating the First Gate of Grief[part 2, ep 249] Welcoming Back the Parts of You That Have Not Known Love [part 3, ep 250] Why You Can't Escape the Sorrows of the World (and why that's a good thing) [part 4, ep 251] Born to Belong: Grieving What Should Have Been There From the Start [part 5, ep 252] Breaking the Cycle: Ancestral Grief, Epigenetics, and the Power to Change Your Legacy [part 6, ep 253] How Facing the Harm You've Done Can Set You Free [part 7, ep 254] How the World's Pain Enters Your Body and What to Do Next [part 8, ep 255] Related Episodes: Savoring the Present and Overcoming FOBO (it's kinda like FOMO...) [ep 45] Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Byock, M.D.  Beckes & Sbarra, Social baseline theory: State of the science and new directions. Access here Beckes, et al. (2011). Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotion and Economy of Action. Access here Bunea et al. (2017). Early-life adversity and cortisol response to social stress: a meta-analysis. Access here. Eisma, et al. (2019). No pain, no gain: cross-lagged analyses of posttraumatic growth and anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress and prolonged grief symptoms after loss. Access here  Hirschberger G. (2018). Collective Trauma an d the Social Construction of Meaning. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 1441. Access here   Kamis, et al. (2024). Childhood maltreatment associated with adolescent peer networks: Withdrawal, avoidance, and fragmentation. Access here  Lehrner, et al. (2014). Maternal PTSD associates with greater glucocorticoid sensitivity in offspring of Holocaust survivors. Access here  Maier & Seligman. (2016). Learned helplessness at fifty: Insights from neuroscience. Access here Sheehy, et al. (2019). An examination of the relationship between shame, guilt and self-harm: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Access here  Strathearn, et al. (2020). Long-term Cognitive, Psychological, and Health Outcomes Associated With Child Abuse and Neglect. Access here  Yehuda et al. (1998). Vulnerability to posttraumatic stress disorder in adult offspring of Holocaust survivors.  Access here. Yehuda, et al. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects: putative role of epigenetic mechanisms. Access here  Full transcript here  Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. 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