How to truely listen to your teen: Building trust through open conversation

As a teen leadership coach and a parent of two teenage boys, I’ve seen firsthand the struggles teens face—and the frustrations parents feel trying to connect with them. From privacy concerns (like knocking before entering their rooms) to trust issues surrounding phones and social media, and even more serious challenges like vaping, the underlying issue always seems to come back to one question: How are we engaging with our teens?       I often hear parents say, “I get it—we had no training for this technology. We’re learning as we go, and we’re probably getting it wrong.” And that’s okay. What matters most is that we start listening—really listening—to our teens.       When Was the Last Time You Had a Real Conversation with Your Teen?   Not just the usual “How was your day?” followed by a one-word response. I mean a genuine, open-ended conversation where they felt heard and understood.       Many teens don’t feel comfortable talking to their parents because they’re afraid of how we’ll react. My 17-year-old shared that a lot of his friends feel trapped in vaping addictions but won’t talk to their parents out of fear. Instead of seeking help, they silently accept the health risks because they don’t believe their parents will support them—only punish them.       When my own son struggled with vaping, he told me he initially did it to fit in and to ease his anxiety. That terrified me. How could something so harmful be seen as a solution? Later, he admitted it was actually making things worse, but at the time, he knew telling me it helped with anxiety would make me listen. And it did.             Trusting Your Teen—Not to Be Perfect, But to Make Mistakes   Every child needs something different from their parents. One of my sons values privacy; the other benefited from having his door removed when he was struggling. It wasn’t about punishment—it was about connection and accountability. We have to trust our teens—not to always make the right choices, but to come to us when they don’t.       When my kids get in trouble at school, I don’t double down with additional punishments at home. I remember being grounded as a teen—it didn’t stop me from making mistakes, but it did teach me to hide them better. Instead of reacting based on fear or our own reputations, we need to help our teens navigate their mistakes and learn from them.   How Do You Want Me to Help You an Open Conversation?   Not every issue is life-threatening. Some are as small as not knocking before entering their room. Others, like phone usage and social media, are bigger. But in all cases, the key is to ask, listen, and engage.   Start by asking: How do you want me to help you figure this out?  How do you want me to listen to you?  How am I showing up for you?       As parents, we make the final decisions, but giving our teens a voice in the conversation makes all the difference. If we create a space where they feel safe to talk—where honesty is met with understanding instead of just consequences—they’ll be more likely to come to us when it matters.       I have found the biggest way to bring your teen home to talk to you is by being honest about your own mistakes. Show them that learning, growing, and making better choices is a lifelong process.