How to Turn Conflict into Connection | Emil Harker | #22

Listen in as Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz sit down with Emil Harker, a respected therapist andtalented author, to give you some practical tips and tools for turning conflict into connection and closeness. By following a few powerful principles, we all have the ability to use inevitable conflict for good in our relationships.Timestamps:0:00 – Introduction: Who is Emil Harker?3:19 – Conflict is inevitable - tips for dealing with it in the moment5:40 – Handling situations so you feel good and your partner loves you more7:29 – Assuming good intent - hijacking the limbic system10:18 – They want to feel good, they want you to feel good, and they’re doing the best they can.13:34 – Really taking the time to understand your partner’s behavior15: 38 – Criticisms are a catalyst for conflict18:02 – Addressing criticisms by agreeing with the element of truth21:15 – Responding to attacks - criticism, questions, declarations, commands24:08 – “The Betrayed CEO” - how the fundamental attribution error hurts us30:23 – Bad things happen, how we handle them will either make or break us32:48 – Understanding the crap out of your partner - validating their emotional experience34:41 – Problems aren’t the problem, how we handle the problems are the problem36:15 – The process creates connection, not the solution38:20 – The key to a stronger marriage: develop the ability to seek, receive, and respond to feedback40:37 – Make your marriage a priority42:56 – Liz’s takeaway: conflict can either be constructive or destructive, it is up to us43:44 – Dave’s takeaway: Remember who your partner really is - find the message behind the messAbout Emil Harker:Emil has been doing therapy for almost 20 years. He is passionate about getting through the fluffy stuff to the real nuts and bolts that help people turn inevitable conflict into closeness. He has been on Channel 2 Fresh living program for over 10 years and is a frequent expert guest on podcasts, and radio and tv programs. Emil has worked with NBA, UFC, and NFL athletes. He has his own podcast called The Emil Show and his book “You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness” has been well received by professional therapists and couples alike.Emil Harker Links:- [email protected] https://www.emilharker.com- on social media @emilharker- podcast: The Emil Show- books: You Can Turn Conflict Into ClosenessInsights:Dave: When we view others differently, we start treating them differently. It’s a powerfulparadigm shift.Liz: My mantra to myself and to my spouse is: “I give you permission to not be perfect and I will still love you”.Emil: If the process is what we are devoted to, then no matter what issues we have we will never have to compromise on the closeness and companionship of the intimate relationship.Invites:   ●    Before responding to a critical attack from your partner, try to practice “agreeing with the element of truth” by owning your flaws and acknowledge what is true in thatmoment. Although it’s natural, try not to get defensive. This only feeds our insecurities.   ●    Practice getting feedback from your partner and responding to it in a positive way. You could do this by asking what they might need you to do differently during conflict andthen thanking them for their honesHappy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life.Available now starting at 99¢ on Amazon and Dave's Book StoreWritten by Dr. Dave Schramm, this practical and uplifting new book offers simple, research-based strategies to help you build greater happiness, strengthen resilience, reduceThe opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org  Podcast.stongermarriage.orgYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@StrongerMarriageLifeTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@strongermarriagelifeInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579Dr. Dave Schramm: http://drdaveschramm.comhttp://drdavespeaks.com Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/