I Am a Donor Conceived Person. This is how it's made me feel. Erica's story.

Hello. This is a very raw and open episode as Erica shares her story. It may be triggering for those of you who are donor conceived, think you might be or if someone you love is. About This EpisodeThe stories about those who are donor conceived are often quite shocking and sensationalised because…well…they make for a ‘good story’. But behind those stories are real people. People, more often than not, struggling with what it means to be donor conceived.This is Erica’s story. Told very openly from the heart, with genuine care and thoughtful insights. Erica’s StoryThey Looked So DifferentGrowing up, Erica and her sister had often asked their parents about their origin story because they looked so very different. The same answer was always given, shutting down the conversation, implying ‘nothing to see here.’An answer that understandably for them, never fully satisfied. The Gift That Changed Their Lives ForeverAs a Mother’s Day gift to herself and to Erica, her sister gifted them both a DNA test. Comparing results it was very obvious that biologically Erica and her sister were very different. Her sister with a considerable amount of Indian origin (50% from one parent) whilst Erica’s was French Canadian and Irish.So the girl’s asked the question again. Finally the Dad who raised them confirmed they were both donor conceived and by different Donor Dads.Unexpected. Profoundly life altering. Disruption.Betrayal. Deception. Grief. Confusion. Trauma.Those are the words that are spoken of in this very honest and open conversation. What We Talk About In This Conversation:Shaken Identity: “I know so little about who I am”. How much of who Erica believed herself to be was wrapped up in where she came from. Loss and Grief: For the relationships she never got to have, might never have. A biological Father she may never meet. Half siblings out there somewhere - and who knows how many of those there are!A Deeply Destructive Disruption: Not told the truth, feels like she’s been living a lifetime of lies. A betrayal that cuts so very deeply. What is the truth? Can she, will she ever find that? So many questions left answered because the records, the information simply isn’t there.The trajectory of what was often regarded as a transaction not thought through beyond to the needs of the children born from it.Lack of Records and Identification of Donors & Births: Donor conception is not as uncommon as you might think. Globally there are millions. Ultimately though, the number is a wild guess. It’s a wild guess simply because records of who has donated, who has conceived and birth records are patchy at best.To add further complication to an already deeply complicated situation, each state, each country has its own record requirements, if they exist at all. When Erica was conceived in the 80’s in Cananda, there were none.As a result, access to personal information for donor conceived people is scarce. Even if you want to find out, it's often impossible.Erica talks about the level of information she’s been able to find out and how she’s gone about finding that. It’s not been easy.“I Have That Man’s Face: And I’ve never seen my face in my family members.” Another layer of identity theft and trauma. Through photo searching (and other means) Erica has found her donor Dad. There is a striking resemblance. Imagine at family gatherings never seeing your face, yourself in others? How do you reconcile that? We go there in this conversation.The Rights Of The Child: Information in the donor conceived world is scarce. The laws protecting and affirming the right of the children who are donor conceived equally scarce. In the past, the rights were firmly protecting the anonymity and privacy of the donor and the recipient. In many countries they still are.But where does that leave those the children of donor conception? Those wanting to find out their origin story not just for themselves but for their children too? Yet another layer of complexity. We go there too.Medical Implications of Not Knowing Her Biological Father: “I know more about my dog than I do myself.”We want to be proactive about our health. That’s why this podcast exists. To encourage self-advocacy particularly around health and wellbeing. Being a late discovery donor conceived person severely impairs what Erica knows about her own health and her children's inherited conditionsWe talk about how recording keeping for animals has been better documented than for donor conceived children. WTAF!The Question She’d Ask Her Donor Dad Given The Chance: There is one that sits top of mind for Erica. Is it really too much to ask?Where To From HereIf you suspect you are donor conceived or know that you are and are not sure where to begin, we see you and are here for you. This is hard. It’s a lot. It can be all consuming.Consider counselling or conversations with an understanding therapist, mindful that not every therapist understands this space, its complexity and challenges. Teaming up with someone who is not familiar might have you spending much of your time educating them. Just sayin’ :)Erica is a certified counsellor here in Melbourne Australia. With her lived experience she is happy to help. Perhaps start by dropping us an email at ‘[email protected]’ or send us a Direct Message her in Substack..If you’re on the search for siblings or any information about your origin story then below in the Resources section we have listed a few places for you to explore.If you are supporting someone on this journey, there are options there for you too.Final ThoughtsErica ends our conversation with thoughtful advice for those of us not walking in the shoes of those who are donor conceived. Compassionate wisdom. What not to say that may be well meaning but may equally well, add to the difficulties of this complex and deeply troubling journey.Resources:* Erica has a considerable list of resources on her website here. Books, podcasts and links to support and groups for donor conceived people. Links she has found helpful on this journey too.https://www.ericawebb.com.au/dcp-counselling* Donor Conceived Australia - https://dca-au-v2.squarespace.com/* Erica & her sister share their story here on The Inconceivably Connected podcast - Episode 36: A Different Kind Of Father’s Day. Thank you for tuning in! If you think this conversation might be helpful for someone in your life, please share it on.See you next week!Anita & Erica. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit midlifeunfiltered.substack.com