I Am a Writer. But Homeschool Comes First.

🎥 Prefer to watch? The full video version is here: Watch HereI am a writer.But homeschool comes first.And that feels heavy to say out loud.Because I want to be taken seriously as an author.I want to be seen as disciplined. Focused. Committed. Professional.But the reality of my life — the actual, honest-to-God reality — is that in this season, homeschool comes first.And that changes everything.Why That Feels So HeavyIt feels heavy because I don’t have unlimited time.I don’t have eight uninterrupted hours at a desk.I don’t have four.I don’t even always have a guaranteed two.My writing doesn’t live in long, luxurious blocks of time.It lives in the cracks.And when you look around at other authors — especially online — it’s easy to slip into comparison.We know how some authors write because they share their process. We know how Brandon Sanderson writes. We’ve heard bits and pieces of other authors’ routines.But I’m not Brandon Sanderson.I don’t live his life.I don’t live J.K. Rowling’s life.I don’t have their circumstances.And neither do you.Maybe you have five kids.Maybe you have ten.I have a friend with baby number twelve on the way.Our time constraints are different.Our breathing room is different.Our seasons are different.Comparison is pointless.But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting sometimes.The Shift I Had to MakeThis part is hard to admit.There was a stretch where I was prioritizing my book over my kids.Not neglecting them — that’s not the right word.But not prioritizing them.And in October, something shifted.I started a 365-day Bible study. I’m about 140 days in now. My husband and I both started re-evaluating everything — our priorities, our rhythms, the way we structure our lives.And my order became very clear:God first.My husband.My children.Then everything else.And that means homeschool comes before writing.Because my kids are little.They need guidance.They need coaching.They need presence.And I adore them.They are not a side quest in my life.They are the main story.Ambition vs. PriorityHere’s the tension.I am deeply ambitious.I have multiple degrees.I was a teacher for five years.I overcompensated in education because of the life I came from.I come from trauma.I come from very little.And I built, built, built to prove something.So yes — I am ambitious.I have twenty-four books planned.Twenty-four.They live in my notes app and my brain and occasionally wake me up at night.I want to write emotional stories.Stories where people come from trauma and brokenness.Stories where love wins.Stories where healing is messy but real.I don’t need to be a global phenomenon.I just want to sit in my little room and write books that people love.But ambition does not override priority.And that’s the lesson I’m learning.Ambition says:“Do more. Publish faster. Push harder.”Priority says:“Be present. Show up. Raise your children well.”And they can coexist.It just might look slower than you imagined.Creating in the CracksI call this whole thing “In the Cracks.”Because that’s where everything happens.I shower in the cracks.I clean in the cracks.I write in the cracks.My Substack? In the cracks.My YouTube? In the cracks.My novel? Definitely in the cracks.Quiet time.Early mornings.Late nights.I wake up at 4:30 a.m. because if I don’t, the day runs away from me.And yes, it’s early.No, I don’t like it.But it’s the only way I get time where no one is calling my name mid-sentence.Because every writer knows:You’re vibing.You’re in the flow.And then —“Mom?”Gone.The sentence evaporates.The SlumpI haven’t touched my book since December.There. I said it.I finished drafting. Now I need to reread and edit before sending it to my editor.But we had:* A new baby born into the family* The holidays* A brutal round of sickness* A complete homeschool system overhaulAnd I started beating myself up.“You’re lazy.”“You’re behind.”“You’re failing.”But I wasn’t lazy.I was prioritizing.I revamped our homeschool system.I stopped overthinking curriculum.I finally accepted that what we’re using works.(My kids are above grade level. They’re thriving. I need to stop acting like I’m failing.)We’ve been in a smooth rhythm for a week now.That’s a win.My Writing Is Shaped by My Real LifeI’m almost four years into working on my debut novel.Four.There are people who publish ten books in that time.There are people who rapid release.People who move fast.People who have systems.And then there’s me.Learning.Experimenting.Figuring out my process.Writing a romantic paranormal dystopian fantasy (because apparently I enjoy making things harder for myself).My process is slower.But it’s mine.And motherhood is not something I’m apologizing for.Motherhood made me softer.Stronger.Closer to God.More emotionally aware.A cycle breaker in my family.I am not repeating what was done to me.And I wouldn’t even be writing if I hadn’t quit teaching — which I only did because of my kids.They are not in the way of my author career.They are the reason it exists.If You’re in a SeasonIf you’re taking care of children…Or elderly parents…Or working a nine-to-five…Or rebuilding your life…You are not behind.You are in a season.And seasons change.Maybe in ten years I’ll look back at this and laugh.Maybe I’ll have two books published.Maybe I’ll have a hundred.Maybe I’ll just have peace.But I want to remember this version of me.The one in the trenches.The one waking up at 4:30.The one creating in the cracks.The one refusing to apologize for motherhood.If any part of this resonated with you — you are seen.You don’t have to apologize for the season you’re in.We’re still building.Just… a little differently.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com