I begged G-D to please give me the courage to pull the trigger.

I want to share with you why we will get through this.   If I go and get my gun, if I put it in  mouth, I taste that metal and the oil, if I stare straight ahead, shaking, if I squeeze the trigger the trigger as hard as I can, then they won, my abusers won and they finally took everything.   No one wants to kill themself when they have other options, alternatives, prospects. No one puts a gun in their mouth when things are looking up, getting better.   No one pulls the trigger when the end is in sight!   When we have certainty, hope, belief that things will be ok, normal, like they were, in a week, a month even a year, heck even 3 years.  Then we don't pull the trigger.   But there is no end insight, every time we get a little bit of hope it seems to be ripped away, every time we think we will be ok something traumatic happens to smash us even harder.   Why does it feel like there's is no end in sight? No hope? No certainty?   This is how it felt leading up to me putting a gun in my mouth.   This is what I believe it feels like for so many right now.   This is why I wanted to share with you how I managed to get through my darkness and how I still do.    We are all in pain, but we are above ground so we can do something about it.    Ooooooooss