I don't know what I am asking: listener question

I am probably someone who keeps things, mysery in place, especially hurtful thinking, living, that I don't recognize it anymore etc. Or I am just to scared to do something about , acknowledge it. Or don't care. New or nice things are not allowed, I can't or don't know how to enjoy that anymore. Or if I feel it, it's not important, enough etc. or I numb. (automatically). For me it almost means 'that's just how I am' , sometimes it feels I am' killing', destroying myself, giving up. In a way I feel like a lost person. Asking, talking to people but no change. Listening, reading, sometimes a bit of relief. Tired of it. (you will probably say, I am not..) Maybe I am too defensive, controlling, protecting. That I don't want to change. When I ask 'what's at stake', nothing is I guess. The high tone in my head is not helping it's there all the time, never quiet. Feeling like a robot quite often because of this, probably all thinking. I don't know what I am asking, I guess I just want to share, vent.I guess I am scared..