“I Don’t Need Anyone”: Why Gay Men Struggle to Let Someone In

A lot of gay men take pride in being independent, self-sufficient and in control. But is there a shadow side? When the time comes to let someone in, ask for support, or even rely on others—it feels uncomfortable, exposing, even threatening. In this episode, we explore the spectrum between dependence, co-dependence, independence, hyper-independence, and interdependence—and why so many gay men get stuck at the far end of doing life alone. We talk about:  What hyper-independence actually is (and why it’s so common) The fear of losing yourself, your freedom, or your identity Why intimacy feels harder than being alone How this shows up in dating, relationships, and asking for support What it looks like to move toward interdependence (secure attachment)  This isn’t about becoming dependent. It’s about learning how to find a happy middle ground where you can let someone in without losing yourself or pulling further away.  Today's Hosts: Matt Landsiedel Michael DiIorio - Take the 360° Self-Review for Gay Men Support the Show - viewer and listener support helps us to continue making episodes - CONNECT WITH US - Watch podcast episodes on YouTube Join the Gay Men's Brotherhood Facebook community Get on our email list to get access to our monthly Zoom calls Follow us on Instagram | TikTok Learn more about our community at GayMenGoingDeeper.com - LEARN WITH US - Building Better Relationships online course: Learn how to nurture more meaningful and authentic connections with yourself and others. Healing Your Shame online course: Begin the journey toward greater confidence and self-worth by learning how to recognize and deal with toxic shame. Gay Men Going Deeper Coaching Collection: Lifetime access to BOTH courses + 45 coaching videos and 2 workshop series. Take the Attachment Style Quiz to determine your attachment style and get a free report. Chapters (00:00:00) - Gay Men Going Deeper: How to Let People In(00:01:14) - What is Dependency and Independence?(00:03:34) - Guys Who Are Hyper Independent or Codependent(00:04:54) - Cocodependent and Secure Attachment: How Do You Know(00:08:04) - How to Grow Up With Someone (Gay Men)(00:10:49) - Insecure Attachment and The Fear That(00:13:38) - What Are Some Boundaries That You Have For Yourself?(00:15:23) - What's the Hardest Part of Learning To Trust Again?(00:17:06) - How Anxious Attachers Get Out Of Conflict(00:18:45) - How To Start Moving Toward Interdependence(00:20:21) - Can An Avoidant Attachment Style Overcorrect Into Becoming Cod(00:24:59) - How to Cope With Anxious Partner(00:27:54) - The Importance of Living With Your Partner(00:30:44) - How To Overcome The Fear Of Disappointment During Relationships(00:34:35) - Gay Men Talk About Being Independent