Brought to you by the Every Dollar App, start budgeting for free today. So a little bit of background here. So I'm 27 and over the last few years, we've gone to come into an inheritance at the same time that my birth family has resurfaced. So come a little bit tricky as a result there, just because I always know I was dealt an amazing hand, but kind of seeing what could have been has been pretty emotionally jarring.
So I'm wondering, you know, number one, what's the response way to handle this? Because I don't think doing nothing is an option, but at the same time, I wanna make sure that I do justice to my grandfather and my parents who kind of changed my life and my family's life to remain in this situation. So tell me a little bit more when you say your birth family, are you adopted? Yeah, correct.
And so your adoptive grandfather, he's the one who's leaving you the inheritance? So I was adopted at birth to a family. So they're talking to my family because I grew up with them. So that side of the family's where the inheritance is coming from.
Birth family is, you know, found out I was the oldest of a sister who's 19 and pregnant and a two other male siblings and then my birth mom, of course. Gotcha. And how much money are we talking here? So my grandmother was smart, so I stepped in around like, you know, metrics like graduation date and, you know, graduation a couple of things.
So it's up to 750,000 now. It'll likely cross over over a million in the next few years. So it's pretty significant. Tell me why you feel, or where the feelings are coming from that you have some sort of allegiance or you owe or you need to put some money on the table for your birth siblings.
I think if you have that old adage right, you know, to who much is getting much expected. Yeah, that's not, that adage doesn't apply here at all. Not even because. That's what a guilty person tells themself.
Yeah. Why do you feel guilty? I mean, I think, especially not being the oldest sibling, you know, kind of seeing, I think my sister probably has the, you know, the drive to kind of get her life on track. So it's, it's, you know, wanting to support.
And I saw my parents and my grandfather do, you know, good things with kind of the situation that they decreed and put themselves in. So, you know, I'm kind of navigating, you know, I know I could make a difference, you know, and then, you know, it wouldn't necessarily change my day to day. So it just hasn't seemed reasonable this morning to do nothing. But then there's also been some stuff initially that I tried to give that didn't necessarily go where I wanted it to in terms of my mom kind of repurposing some of that in the way that was less than ideal.
And I didn't actually get to my sister. So that's the thing is you have no control this month once it's given, zero. And bro, you are, you are setting yourself up for a catastrophic world of hurt. I 1000% agree with you.
If I, I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes. If I found out I had a whole other family and I got adopted by a family who was so great and they took me in and they, like you said, like I had an amazing life and I won the lottery and my other brothers and sisters were adopted out and they did not get the shake that I got. I would feel a sense of I owe or obligation. And I need you to hear me say, you don't owe anybody anything.
You can choose to give. And those are two very different motivations. If you think you owe, you are constantly gonna be, that's a bottomless pit. It's a hole that can never be filled.
If you say, hey, I won the lottery with my adoptive family. I got so such an amazing life and I wanna do that for other people, then that's when you can sit down with your sister. And very similar to how your grandpa did it, who's very wise, hey sister, when you're ready, I'm gonna pay for college tuition, but I'm gonna pay directly to the school. When you're ready, I will cover three years of daycare for your kids.
I'm gonna pay directly, I'm not gonna give that money to anybody. You can love them deeply and support them and also recognize that they're terrible money managers. All three of those things can be true at the same time. Yeah.
Here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to give your mom $25,000 when she doesn't have the skills to handle $25,000 because then you're gonna end up presenting her and that's not fair to her. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I have a lot of it that way, but that doesn't make a lot of sense.
You'll hand her a live snake, she'll get bit and then you know what I mean, like you gave her the snake. I wouldn't do that. And you're gonna have to weather people coming out of the woodwork for your money. You're about to be a bank of patent once they find out that you're just giving away money, like a game show.
And they're gonna be coming back. And Peyton will bail us out and how dare you? Oh, you got this? You did it last time.
Why not now? Why are you so stingy now? You don't even remember your raising. You don't even remember where you came from, right?
They're not your real family. You can hear all that stuff, dude. Yeah. Have they asked for money?
Or is this just your own survivor's skill talking? So that's the thing, my mom, when she was, before I found out she was doing things I didn't want with it, she would make up excuses, but my sister would always push it away. She's on her own, she's got a newborn, obviously very young. And that's kind of where, you know, that almost makes you want to give more, right?
Because she has similar things, like you don't owe me anything, because I just want to have the relationship. Is she a single mom? Yeah. And what needs does she have right now that you feel like you could help with?
The kid has special needs, so I know that that's, like they have a little poverty line, so it's such a stark contrast. So is that child care, what would you exactly help with versus just writing a check? That's what I was thinking. A grocery gift card, what would you want to do?
I think child care would be the most impactful thing because it would freak her out to kind of take the steps necessary to stabilize her life, whether that be education or... Can she do that living in your birth mom's home? So they live in a different state, can I do it currently? No, no, but can your sister thrive under your mom's roof?
Oh, no, they have a very toxic relationship. So maybe offering an apartment like down the street from... I don't know how much money you want to put on the table here, and I don't know what you do for a living. I want you to make sure you invest this thing so you're taking care of yourself and your future family in the long term.
But I'm with George, I think you throw a checkbook at a problem, often everybody loses, right? It becomes full of waste and it becomes full of, well, what about this? And I feel like this, when you spend money to solve a particular problem, you get different kind of results. I will pay for you to move and I will pay for one year of an apartment right down the street from me, and that's gonna cost $25,000 off of the table if you want to get in a mom's house.
Now we're talking, right? And that's a finite cost, and she doesn't have to feel guilty for just being on the take forever, but it's an actual problem being solved right now. Yeah. The more specific you get, the better.
And you can remain in control if you do it, John said, and go, I'm gonna give directly to the need, versus just throwing a check at it. But you're a noble guy, and I got nothing but respect for you, man. But you don't owe anybody anything. You get to give.
And that's a totally different spirit. Create your free every dollar budget today, the simplest way to budget for your life.