I Ignored the Red Flags: The Relationship Debug I Didn’t See Coming

Have you ever met someone at exactly the right moment in your life… only to realize later they were meant to teach you something? Today’s episode is about the fastest relationship I ever fell into, red flags ignored, and the difference between chemistry & compatibility.Welcome back to She’s Been Through Some Engineering Shit with your host, Christine, where we keep unlearning all the outdated career and life advice we never asked for but absorbed anyway.This podcast is about debugging the systems we were handed - whether that’s workplace culture, career expectations, relationships, or the beliefs we carry about success. Today, we’re doing dating root cause analysis.It was 2020 - world shut down, everyone isolated, and time felt completely made up. Then I met this guy.He was funny and brought lightness into an incredibly heavy year. We connected fast. A few weeks later, I found out I had a six-week work trip to San Diego. He said, “I don’t know if I can go that long without seeing you.”Instead of thinking, “That’s sweet,” I apparently thought, “Perfect. Let’s fast-track this relationship.”So I invited him to come with me.Looking back, I was making a decision based on how safe and exciting it felt—not on how well I actually knew him. But at the time, I didn’t want to be alone in a strange city during one of the strangest moments in history.He said yes.For six weeks, we skipped straight to relationship mode. Morning coffee, beach days, hiking, disc golf, shared dinners, swimming—we built a tiny life together, and for a little while, 2020 almost felt normal.But vacations aren’t real life.When you travel with someone, you're seeing them in a bubble with fewer responsibilities, less stress, and more adventure. It's easy to mistake a great experience for long-term compatibility.Once we got home, things changed.He started smoking more, drinking more, and slowly became someone I barely recognized.One night after dinner in South Philly, he stumbled into traffic after drinking. A car was coming, and I pulled him back.That was the moment I realized I shouldn’t have to save the person I’m dating from their own choices.The relationship didn’t end that night, but it changed how I saw it.As engineers, we’re trained to look for patterns. One issue might be a fluke. Repeated issues point to a system problem.Relationships work the same way.Soon after, he told me he couldn’t spend as much time with me—right when I needed support the most. Then, when my birthday came around, he could only commit to maybe an hour or two.That’s when I realized it wasn’t about my birthday.It wasn’t about one dinner.It wasn’t even about the drinking.It was about effort.When someone wants to build a life with you, you shouldn’t feel like you’re competing for leftover time.A few days later, I ended the relationship. No dramatic fight—just the realization that what we had in San Diego couldn’t survive real life.The biggest lesson?Chemistry is not compatibility.Someone can make you laugh, make you feel seen, and create incredible memories—and still not be the right person to build a future with.Sometimes we have to stop asking, “How good does this feel right now?” and start asking, “Will this actually work long term?”That lesson applies to all forms of relationships.If you’ve ever ignored red flags, confused potential with reality, or learned a lesson about boundaries, you’re not alone.If you have a STEM story, workplace lesson, career mistake, or a moment where you finally said, “Nope. Not today,” I’d love to hear it. Call or leave a voicemail at (267) 281-3633.Catch you in the next episode, where we keep unlearning all the outdated career and life advice we never asked for but absorbed anyway.