I Just Want You to Want Me: The Hidden Desire Killers in Marriage

In this episode, Heidi explores the tension between emotional closeness and sexual desire in long-term monogamous relationships, especially within mixed-orientation marriages. After sharing a personal story from early in her own journey, she dives into the deeper question: What actually fuels attraction – and what quietly kills it? Heidi outlines four common “desire killers” that often show up in marriages where partners feel disconnected, tolerated, or unsure about attraction. In This Episode Why attraction matters deeply in mixed-orientation marriages The difference between being tolerated and being genuinely desired Why you cannot control whether someone is attracted to you How systems resist change (homeostasis) when you begin shifting your behavior The 4 Desire Killers: Dependence or Emotional RelianceWhen your sense of worth depends on your partner’s validation, desire erodes. Differentiation — standing on your own two feet while staying connected — is key. AccommodationOver-accommodating and giving yourself up in the name of love often destroys self-respect and mutual respect. One-Up / One-Down DynamicsParent-child patterns, power struggles, or subservience undermine equality — and equality fuels desire. Too Much ClosenessSmothering kills the flame. Desire requires space, freedom, and individuality. Heidi challenges listeners to consider where they may be pressuring, controlling, or seeking validation — and invites them to experiment with change from the inside out. This Week’s Invitation Notice where you may be trying to control your partner instead of working on yourself. Choose one area where you can increase your differentiation and experiment with showing up differently. Connect Have questions?Have a story to share? Share your story with me here: complexcouplescoaching.com/questions If you need further help with this, this is the work that I do and I’m passionate about.If you’d like to learn more, I created a Free Guide called "When Your Spouse Comes Out: 9 practical tools to help you navigate the aftermath of disclosure or discovery." You can download it here.  Email me at: [email protected] Your emails help shape future episodes. You don’t have to face this alone.