'I understand this intellectually but I don't experience it in reality' Listener question

I am currently on your Rest course and a member of your community.  I have been listening to you for about 2 years now and really love your work and descriptions of the reality of human life.  I came to find you from being in Nicola Birds ALPOM community for about 5 years.I am find that although my body mind understands you perfectly, this understanding has not drop into reality.  When i  first found Nicola Bird it was at a time when my husband had died of cancer and then 3 months later my brother and only sibling committed suicide.  I inherited my husbands business , which i had absolutley no experience of at all and my life felt and still to a lesser degree, felt very insecure.  During my childhood i was tramatised by my Mums own insecure behaviour which i now see set up a beleif in myself of fear and shame, having to keep myself small in relationships, plactating to keep myself safe and others happy with me so as they would still like/love me and not be angry with me. It is only just recently that i have seen these traumas/wounds as being present. My response to my husbands and brothers deaths was to press on.  and try and keep my kids, my brothers kids and parents going and at the same time navigate a business i knew nothing about, all happening from the beliefs of my lack which i took on as a child.  Anxiety and fear ruled! Being part of this community has helped, but i can feel and hear my frustration at not coming to a deeper place within this conversation.  Am just so tired of all the fear and my family are now finding my low moods and anxiety wearing and i am a worry to them.  My lack of faith in myself or anything else can sometimes be very heavy for them.I would be so grateful for any suggestions and thank you so much for all your work it really is so affirming even if i then go straight back to my belief system, it is a releif to be imursed in your words for that time that i am listening.