Ep. 12: I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be a wife: Jane on choosing single parenthood at 38, sperm donation, and no regrets

Middle-Aged Mama DramaEpisode 12: I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be a wife: Jane on choosing single parenthood at 38, sperm donation, and no regretsEPISODE OVERVIEWIn this episode, Shelley sits down with Jane, a 58-year-old physician and surgeon who made the intentional choice to become a single mother by choice at 38 and 39, welcoming a son and daughter just 13 months apart through sperm donation.Jane shares her origin story — from a biracial, education-first family in Indiana to a high-achieving surgical career — and the deeply considered path that led her to single motherhood over marriage.This is Part 1 of a two-part conversation. Topics include family modeling, racial identity, navigating fertility and pregnancy as an older single woman, postpartum realities, and what it means to build a full, joyful life on your own terms.KEY TOPICS• Growing up in a biracial family in the late 1960s and navigating racial identity• What love and conflict looked like in a Gen X household• The decision to become a single mother by choice — prioritizing motherhood over marriage• The Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) organization and community• Fertility treatment, IUI, and the experience of solo pregnancy at advanced maternal age• Labor, delivery, and postpartum realities with two babies under one year old• The value of a nanny as a single, shift-working physician• Postpartum depression in middle-aged mothers — what it looks like and why it’s under-diagnosed• Raising active, connected kids as a solo parent with a demanding careerEPISODE HIGHLIGHTS[00:00:00 – 00:01:30] Welcome and IntroductionShelley introduces Episode 12 and guest Jane — a 58-year-old physician whose two children, now 19 and 20, were born when she was 38 and 39. Jane is now in the early stages of empty nesting. The episode is framed as Part 1 of a two-part conversation about her journey as a middle-aged, single mother by choice.[00:01:30 – 00:03:30] Family of Origin: A Close-Knit, Education-First HomeJane describes growing up with two highly educated, present parents — a librarian mother and a school administrator father — who were among the earliest interracial married couples in Indiana in the late 1960s. Summers were filled with travel, swimming, and family outings. Her parents divorced when she was 12, but with no visible conflict beforehand. The family’s core value was education, and all children went on to college.[00:03:30 – 00:06:00] Emotional Climate Growing Up — Love, Affection, and Gen X NormsJane reflects that love in her home was expressed through quality time and hugs rather than words. ‘I love you’ wasn’t said often — something she consciously chose to change with her own children. Shelley connects this to their shared Gen X experience: feelings weren’t openly discussed, a contrast to the emotional openness they admire in Millennials and Gen Z.[00:06:00 – 00:09:30] Navigating Race and Identity as a Biracial WomanJane speaks candidly about growing up biracial in a time when it was uncommon, and about being ‘white-passing’ in ways her darker-skinned siblings were not. She shares the experience of being told in college she didn’t get a sorority bid after disclosing she was Black, and of navigating belonging between racial groups in high school. Despite occasional encounters with racism, her upper-middle-class, educated environment largely shielded her family from its most harmful forms.[00:09:00 – 00:11:00] A Career Built on Pushing Past What Was PossibleJane describes a pattern of setting high goals and pursuing them despite being told she couldn’t — applying to a school she was told she’d never get into, then medical school, then surgery. She reflects on how this drive may differ from her own children’s generation, which she observes reaches for goals somewhat differently than their high-achieving Gen X parents.[00:11:00 – 00:13:30] The Decision: Single Motherhood Over PartnershipJane shares that after a series of unsatisfying, often long-distance relationships with narcissistic partners, she realized she wanted to be a mother more than she wanted to be a wife. She found the Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) community, attended their gatherings, and felt her path normalized. She also considered adoption, and shares the moving story of a plant analogy an adoption educator used to illustrate the importance of preserving a child’s roots during transition.[00:13:30 – 00:16:30] Choosing Sperm Donation — and Being Clear About What She Could HandleAfter attending adoption classes, a story about a child with significant developmental needs following a meth-exposed pregnancy shifted Jane toward sperm donation — wanting control over prenatal environment. She had four IUIs total and had CVS testing at 10 and 12 weeks to screen for chromosomal issues, being honest with herself — as a physician and as a solo parent — about what she could manage. She chose to have her children 13.5 months apart, not wanting to lose her nerve or wait for a relationship that might delay the timeline further.[00:16:30 – 00:18:30] Family Response — and What Support Looked LikeJane’s family was largely supportive, with her grandmother the only skeptic — who quickly came around once the children were born. The SMC group, with about 30 women who had done the same, provided community and normalization. Jane reflects that she told people honestly from the start how her children came to be, and that the freedom of single motherhood — choosing where to live, vacation, and what to name her children — also held its own appeal.[00:21:00 – 00:26:00] Pregnancy, Complications, and the Experience of Solo DeliveryJane’s son’s pregnancy was largely smooth until 36 weeks, when she developed pregnancy-induced hypertension and was induced at 37 weeks. He was born after a long, difficult labor — with a friend who was an anesthesiologist visiting for support and hospital staff braiding her hair to pass the time. Her daughter’s pregnancy was monitored more closely; she was delivered efficiently within 30 minutes of her water breaking. Jane credits her surgery residency training — learning to function on little sleep — with preparing her for new motherhood.[00:28:00 – 00:34:30] Two Babies Under One — and Building a VillageWith two babies at home, Jane’s father retired and became emergency childcare, and her mother, sister, and friends all came in waves to help. She went back to work when her daughter was three weeks old, doing shorter shifts than usual. Eventually, hiring a nanny was the single most transformative decision she made — giving her the flexibility to manage long shifts, grocery runs, and the unpredictability of medicine. She shares that she and her children led an active, outing-filled life despite the demands.[00:30:00 – 00:35:00] Postpartum and Middle-Aged Motherhood — A Different ExperienceShelley shares research that postpartum depression in middle-aged mothers often doesn’t look like sadness — it’s harder to identify, frequently misdiagnosed, and sometimes delayed by months. It’s also complicated by a sense that middle-aged women don’t have the ‘right’ to struggle because they chose this path. Jane shares that she did not experience postpartum depression — attributing it partly to the absence of prior depression or anxiety, and partly to her surgical residency having already conditioned her for sleep deprivation and high-pressure caregiving.[00:35:00 – 00:37:00] A Preview of Part 2 — and Words for Other Older MomsShelley previews the next episode, which will explore guilt, aging, and mortality as a middle-aged parent. Jane closes with advice for any woman considering single motherhood: if your desire to be a mother is greater than your desire to be in a relationship, that is enough reason to move forward. ‘The relationship may follow. And even if it doesn’t — I have absolutely no regrets.’THE MIDDLE-AGED SINGLE MOTHER EXPERIENCEWhat Made This Path Work for Jane• An exceptional peer community (Single Mothers by Choice) that normalized the path before she started• A strong family support network — parents, siblings, and friends who showed up in the early years• Professional resilience: surgical training provided a template for functioning under sleep deprivation• A hired nanny, which she identifies as the single best decision she made as a solo working parent• Clarity about her own values and limits — including what she could handle medically and emotionallyPostpartum and Middle Age — What the Research Says• Postpartum depression in middle-aged mothers often doesn’t present as classic sadness• It is frequently misdiagnosed, under-reported, or dismissed• Middle-aged mothers may delay recognizing symptoms, feeling they don’t deserve to struggle after choosing this path• Symptoms can appear later — sometimes several months postpartum• Prior history of depression or anxiety is a known risk factorKEY QUOTES“I wanted to be a mother worse than I wanted to be a wife.” — Jane“If your interest in having a family is higher than having a relationship, the relationship may follow. And even if it doesn’t — I have absolutely no regrets.” — Jane“I have bad choices in men. So I had a long-distance relationship for years — I gave him up for Lent.” — Jane“There’s really no good time to have a child. Just do it if you’re ready, and everything will work out.” — JanePRACTICAL TAKEAWAYSFor Middle-Aged Mothers — Single or Otherwise• If you are considering single motherhood by choice, seek community first — groups like Single Mothers by Choice can normalize the path and provide real-world support before and after you begin.• Hiring a nanny or flexible childcare is not a luxury for solo parents — it can be the infrastructure that makes everything else possible.• Know what you can handle and be honest about it — with yourself and your care team. This is not a limitation; it is wisdom.• The residency principle applies to new motherhood: you have survived high-pressure, low-sleep situations before. Trust that capacity.For Healthcare Providers• Postpartum depression in middle-aged mothers looks different — screen for it actively, and do not assume that choosing motherhood later in life means a patient is thriving emotionally.• Middle-aged mothers may underreport struggles because they feel they ‘don’t have the right’ to be overwhelmed. Create explicit space for that conversation.• Advanced maternal age conversations should include postpartum mental health — not just pregnancy risk.For Everyone• The desire to be a parent and the desire to be partnered are separate — it is valid to pursue one without the other.• Village-building is a skill: identify who your support people are before you need them, and be specific about what you’re asking them to do.• How we were loved as children shapes how we love our children — and awareness of that pattern is the beginning of intentional parenting.RESOURCES MENTIONEDOrganizations· Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) is a national organization with chapters across the U.S.If you are thinking about single motherhood or have already decided to become a Single Mother by Choice, you don’t have to be alone on your journey. For over 40 years, Single Mothers by Choice has been a trusted source of support and welcoming community, empowering thousands of SMCs around the world.• Visit https://www.singlemothersbychoice.org for more information and to find a chapter near you.Coming Up — Part 2 with Jane• Mom guilt, mortality, and aging as an older parent• What it’s like raising children knowing you may not be around as long as younger parents• Empty nesting — the early stageCALL TO ACTION• Share this episode with any woman who is navigating fertility, single parenthood, or motherhood on an unconventional timeline.• If Jane’s story resonated with you, look into the Single Mothers by Choice community — even if you’re in a relationship. Their resources on intentional family building are valuable for anyone.• Subscribe and leave a review — it helps more middle-aged mamas find our community.• Email: [email protected]: Our community is stronger and better because you are in it. You belong here exactly as you are.Subscribe to get the rest of this series, plus workshop announcements, podcast episodes, and coaching opportunities delivered straight to you. You need the information. You need the support. This is your community. Get in. Get full access to Middle-Aged Mama Drama at shelleybee.substack.com/subscribe