I think you have 1,400 weeks left. So you're at 80. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not having 90, dude.
I'm going to live to 90. I definitely will. Really? Yeah.
I would be shocked if I died. At all. 100%. Ah, January.
Such a beautiful month. You're like a decade? Anyway. It's January.
I'm in the rain tomorrow. Oh, my God. You got a plane. It's so...
Oh, never mind. What's on? Nothing. I don't even say it out loud.
Well, I keep trying to say it, so just say it. No, no, no. You know what's so funny? Last time I did a European tour, I was with Mark Norman and our tour manager was German.
Mark Norman makes a lot of Jewish jokes. She goes, Mark, I'm so comfortable with these Jewish jokes. And he was like, oh, they're just jokes. And she goes, no, but what if someone heard you say these things?
And he was like, well, they're jokes. He's like, what would you say to your Jewish... You don't make jokes? He's like, I don't know any Jewish people.
And he goes, what do you mean? She goes, I'm German. That's kind of our thing. Both Mark and I were like, oh, yeah.
Like, that's crazy, though. Like, you just... they just don't have them. Well, they definitely have them.
They have a couple. Antwerp's got the most women. Don't back me up. That Antwerp has a lot of...
Antwerp is where... Google it, motherfucker! I mean, that's where diamonds are. He said it.
Uh, yeah. I mean, okay. Let's, yeah. I'll just sit this one out.
Go ahead. Google it. It's Antwerp. Antwerp is the highest concentration of Jewish people in Europe.
Really? Yeah. History of the Jews in Antwerp. Check it out, motherfucker.
Okay. Antwerp, what a weird... I never liked Belgium because there was a train from... you had to switch trains in Belgium from London to Amsterdam.
Yeah. That's why I never liked... that train station was sketchy. There was a lot of dudes in, like, members-only jackets.
So I never liked it. And then I went to Antwerp. It was fucking beautiful. It was one of the most beautiful cities.
So I went there on the last floor. Yeah. It was fucking gorgeous. You're doing Europe in...
Right now. Oh, you're going to be there at cold time with you. Yeah, I know. I'm excited.
You like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm excited for Amsterdam. I'm spending four days in Amsterdam.
Spending four days. I'm just getting fucking... I'm getting that Airbnb. Yeah.
And I'm partying fucking balls. I wish Liam would be cool me cheating on her internationally. You know? Yeah.
But she had to get her head around it. Like, I love her. She's my chick. I'm coming home to her every night.
Just not those four nights in Amsterdam. Yeah, why not? Because this is what she does. This is what she fucking does.
So I go... I'm thinking... Are you going to go red light district? No, no, no, no.
I'm going to go blue light district also. So I said, let's get prostitutes. Not... This is why you're more important to me than she is.
You're still listening. You know what she's like? No, no. I go, fucking, I'm talking to my wife at a party.
You think I'm going to say no shit? I'm going to go fuck a prostitute. I go, let's get prostitutes as a skip and figure out something I'll have to do with our prostitute who does the best. Whether it's tell them a story or get them to sleep fast.
Whatever the fucking thing is that you do. I go, make a fun with it. Like, let's not all just go fuck prostitutes. I went to a sex club when I was there.
Where did you go? Because I might not let you tell your story. I'm so excited about my story. Wait, where did you go?
I don't know the name of it. I was going to red... I got, you know, kind of redirected and sort of hosed by a kickback situation where the cab driver were going to red light district and I was like, I'll pay for... What a waste of money.
He can't see anything. Who takes him to a strip club with a real touching feel? Well, he's probably been having sex with her, yeah. Oh, wait, are you serious?
Yeah. Oh, wait, this story's getting so much better. Yeah, yeah. I paid.
I was like, whatever you want. And then they could not get over that I wasn't going up to the room with one. So, like, the owner was like, hey, your friend. He's like, do you want me to bring over other girls?
I was like, no, I'm fine. I'll just... He was like, what? I was like, I'll just wait until he's done.
He's like... And then you'll come how? Yeah, he was like... And then he would send a girl over and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm just waiting for my friend.
And they're like, oh, do you want the other girl? And I was like, no, I'm literally waiting. I paid the entrance fee. I was like, I was just sitting here I was drinking a Diet Coke.
I was like, I'm fine. And I just sat there. I was like, just waiting and waiting. And then...
He's hard to come too, right? He can't... Yeah, yeah. So fucked up.
He can't come... The chick? He's got to handle himself. I mean, it's all psychological, though, man.
It's not like... It's not a physical thing that's holding him up. I can hear Dr. Drew in my head.
Well, what's up? He's a young lady. Dr. Potter is just the hairiest motherfucker.
He's very hairy. He's got the hairy shoulders? He's a shoulder point? Yeah.
I have had a number... Obviously, I told flying dildos as a bit one time. That's a true story. But we went to the Bananan Bar.
The Bananan Bar? It's a banana bar. Oh, I see. But it's the Bananan Bar.
And so we shot something for showtime at the Bananan Bar. We spent the whole day and worked there. So I met all the bouncers. I hung out with all the...
Everyone was great. It was a great day. So one day we're flying. I'm flying to Tanzania.
And I get... Sidebar to the story, which is really interesting. As I checked into the flight to Amsterdam, the lady said, your seat is the most interesting seat that we have on planes. That's what we mean.
She said, you're in seat 1A. This is a double-decker plane and you will be able to see directly out the front of the plane. Because of the... Configuration of it.
I had the very front seat, the single front seat and my window was at the front of the plane. And I was like, I am trading that out right now. I cannot sit there like an eagle and fly to Amsterdam. So I traded with someone and they're like, shit, it's Laura.
So I remember I went to a college with a girl named Mary Lynn. Are you going to interrupt all my stories? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, her name is Mary Lynn?
Yeah, and I was like, hey, Mary. And she was like, it snapped. She was like, it's Mary Lynn. I was like, sure, sure.
I pronounce it cunt. So Laura, I fucked her name up. She's a cool... Laura, sounds like a real Spanish lady.
No, blonde hair, blue eyes. I mean, that's how you say Laura in Spanish. You say Laura. Yeah, I don't know.
Like a real spick, you say Laura. Laura. Yeah, Laura. So we were just like, I said, I said, what do you want to do tonight?
We should go out, have dinner or something, go get this nice steak. I said, I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to stop by a cafe, get some weed, get high, have a steak, and maybe we'll get a late night cocktail and call it a night, get up early, we'll fly to Tanzania. She says, there's a place called the banana bar.
I said, I know it really well. She goes, I want to go to the banana bar. This is who's saying this? My camera person, Laura.
And so she goes, I said, I know the guys, I can go there. She was like, hey, what are you a bitch? She goes, let's go to the banana bar. I was like, ah, that's what I like.
So we got a great steak dinner. We go to the banana bar, we're high as we smoke a joint outside the banana bar, we roll up, and the dudes at the front are like, the machine, and I go, fuck yeah. We go in, I said, my friend Laura wants to do the banana bar experience, and they're like, they're like, cool. So they set us up, private room, like off to the side, bar, girl comes up naked on the bar, says this is how it works.
We do the three parts, the thing for the banana bar, we do the whole body, touch and feel massage, you rub me up with oil all over, we do the banana bar experience, where you eat the banana out of my pussy, and then we do a nice facial massage, and I go, well, we're not doing the rubber body with oil, because I don't think I can do that with my co-worker, that's fucking weird. And she's like, I think she was married, I'm married, I'm like, we'll skip that. And Laura's like, I want to do the fucking banana experience, and I was like, all right, cool. And I was like, I'm not doing that, I go, I wouldn't, I'm pretty fucking high, and I just had a steak, and I was like, I wouldn't mind a facial massage.
She's like, okay, well, then we'll start with the facial massage, just skip the body, touch and we'll just do the facial massage. She goes, lay back onto the bar, lay back, close your eyes, and so I lay back, back onto the bar, close my eyes, and she puts her pussy on my nose, and starts rubbing it, and I'm like, and I hear Laura Lauer laughing, and she goes, you thought it was a massage, and I'm laughing so hard, into her asshole, her pussy's on my nose, her asshole's on my mouth, and I'm going, and she can't fucking, and I'm just shaking, and shaking, and shaking, Sri Lanka, I don't know, I'm just guessing, Sierra Leone, Sierra Leone, I don't know, I'm just saying names of places, Jesus Christ, if you were going to go, if you were like, if you were like, yo, yeah, like, total purge night, purge, you got like a full purge, where you don't like, if you went to Sierra Leone, I don't know anything about Sierra Leone, dude, you do not want to go, fucking purge, to Sierra Leone, give me some talking points on Sierra Leone, I want to know more about Sierra Leone, is I want to know, about making them there, they smoke brown brown, everyone's on, that's their flag, they don't even look like they tried, they're like, just fucking whatever colors you got left, do you know that Amsterdam's flag, is similar to Berlin's flag, or Germany's flag, they're just, really? yeah, yeah, Netherlands, well this looks very French, right, isn't this like, kind of like the French flag, I wouldn't be shocked, if they had been colonized, by the frogs, yeah, I would think so, I'd be cool to Sierra Leone, it was born by Liberia and Guinea, Liberia is where, Liberia was the, do you know the story about Liberia, I could be making this up, Liberia, Liberia-thon, is the place when, in the fucking 1900's, they're like, yo, maybe 1900's, 1800's, they're like, yo, slavery's over, if you want a free ride back to Africa, we'll send you, and they're like, cool, let's go to Liberia, so they put up, like a whole couple ships, probably planes, no planes, couple ships, they sent them to Liberia, and you know the first thing they did there, is they created slavery, really, in Liberia? I don't know, can you Google that, I'm almost certain that happened, I'm almost certain that happened, the British colonized Sierra Leone, what a beautiful name, for like a pretty sketchy place to party, yeah, I don't think it's really your party spot, I don't know, I don't know about Sierra Leone, did Liberia, invent slavery, that's no, Liberia, free slaves, free slaves, dude, I come out with fucking, half-court shots sometimes, of knowledge, it was formed, it was founded, by free people of color, from the United States, look at that name, look at the name, Liberia, yeah, Liberty, Liberia, like freedom, so they're free people, right, probably, I mean, I'm fucking getting hammered, no, you have been there, oh, look at their flag, it's just like, hey, there's that, that is a bullshit fucking flag, January 7th, well, I think it's, it's probably done, it's done after our flag, no, that part's obvious, I'm saying, the, you know, it's like, maybe it's the star represents, just like, one people, freed slaves, if that's who, right, come on, you don't think so, no, what does it represent then, you think they're going to take, they're like, we'll start with one, no, just hit the Liberia, the, they're losing friends, in Liberia, maybe, are there white people in Liberia, there, history of Liberia, okay, founded by three people in the United States, both three and recently emancipated, was funded and organized by the American Colonization Society, of the 4,500 immigrants who arrived in Liberia, only 1,800 survived, damn, holy shit, yeah, those were tough times back then, okay, okay, this is what you gotta love about this podcast, it's a lot of shits and giggles, but then you learn something, you sure, right now, right now, right now, what we're doing is we're putting into your brain, just enough information that you won't remember where you got it from, but you'll be at a dinner party, yeah, and you'll go, you know Liberia is like a, it's like a great slave, like something about slaves, something, they stole our flag, they stole our flag, you know Liberia is a, they're full of flag stealing slaves, I think, if I'm not mistaken, what the fuck, dude, this is the crazy thing about cancel culture, is that you can't get in trouble from Liberia, right, I mean, when are they gonna protest us, yeah, that's true, and then we're like, because I've been, I got in trouble, I got in trouble by countries I don't go to, yeah, yeah, yeah, Liberian flag, you gotta look it up now, Liberian flag history, put that, yeah, because now we gotta talk, we gotta, we gotta at least know something about that flag, the board of directors of Liberia, the flag design was adopted, about a month later, they had declared independence, they should have celebration, there was a flag, Monrovia, flag of Liberia, flag of Liberia, the 11 stripes represent, signatories of the declaration of independence, the red and white symbolize courage and excellence, the white star becomes the first independent republic in Africa, and the blue represents the continent of Africa, oh yeah, but when was our flag started, when was their flag started, they definitely came after, okay, you got that, if your beef is with the freed slaves of Liberia, you win, we definitely had it first, you're like these fucking assholes, they got it so easy, and they took our flag, these Liberia motherfuckers, these guys are stealing our shit, do you think there's anyone in Liberia, that listens to this podcast, yes, you think so for real, I think there's at least somebody, really, yeah, I think so, there's somebody, the most horrible thing in the world, there's somebody who knows somebody in Liberia, there's someone outraged, it's about this right now, yeah, wait, what kind of a matter that you don't go to, South Africa, what, for what, I said shantytown, when I meant, when I meant, look, I don't want to bring it up again, they got really upset, and I go back, I really, you said it on this podcast, no, I said it on Rogan, which is like, oh god, you said I was in a shantytown, they're called, they're not called shantytown, they're called, what those, no, that's Brazil, townships, I was in a township, and I called it a shantytown, but I was drunk, I misspoke, and then a bunch of people were like, a bunch of people tried to say that townships are beautiful places to live, and from my experience, I noticed something a little different, and so, you can only speak from your own experience, and my experience, but I called it a shantytown, that's where I fucked up, and they fucking hated me, and they protest me, who are the woke white people, in South Africa, it's always nice, on scale one to ten, how woke do you think a woke South African is, like, if you brought them to America, and you took them to a party of like, Hollywood liberals, South African, you think you'd say something, they're like, what the fuck, because he's South African, South African dudes, they're like, first of all, they're all Dutch, you know that, well, yeah, yeah, they got big fucking hands, they have big fucking hands, they do that, and they're like, that's how they talk, bick, we'll be bick, we'll be bick, I was, I was there with Vaness, Ian Bagg, Christina, Mitch Faitel Who else Yeah What's it like When you do a festival With your wife Is it different Because you guys Are kind of a team Well I mean you know We were just We didn't have reference To it in the show Our spots were like A few apart So it wasn't like And now you know So we were just like Doing show 20 minute sets Just standard I was thinking about I was thinking about I can tell you the names But I don't want to There's a dude who I think we both think Is the most brilliant comic In the country Measley And he's dating a female comic And I think I find them Both fucking hilarious And I wanted to Well I don't want to say I guess you could say Chad Daniels is dating Kelsey Cook Chad Daniels is fucking hilarious Kelsey Cook is fucking hilarious And it's so funny I wanted This is horrible But I wanted them to do I wanted them to do the cruise I don't know if we got them or not Because we haven't put offers out yet But I get weird In my brain way Of like selfish Spend time with people way That I don't want couples together Because I'm afraid I'll get alienated You know how that Yeah I know what you mean But they're both so fucking funny And I was wondering Did you tour with her?
I forget I did She's so goddamn funny She's hilarious But Chad Daniels is like Chad Daniels is I mean you know him Probably better than I do We did an Asian tour together He is fucking I was like What the fuck are you doing? He takes two different hours On the same night It's the thing It's the thing that people I don't know the right way to say this I don't want to sound like I'm being shitty Towards any of my good friends Yeah But I have to say The compliment I get to Chad Daniels Is Chad Daniels has been doing stand-up Under the radar I guess you'd argue Meaning he's not been doing Specials out on like On Netflix or whatever He's been doing it kind of Under the radar For 25 years 26 years And when you do it that long Kind of like in the shadows When you decide to peek your head out People are blown the fuck away He stayed in like The middle of the fucking woods He was a guy like you He did what I did not do And then he put his family first And moved to Minnesota And raised his family Yeah exactly And then toward I don't need millions of dollars I need a couple hundred grand Make sure we keep everyone afloat Send everyone to college And then when it's my time And I'm 50 years old And my kids are in college I'll go out and tour And I'll do some special Really kind of fucking noble Yeah he's an A plus man He really is So funny That was an interesting There was a documentary about it Yeah I think you should kill Yeah Louis Lee funded it He owns Acme in Minneapolis I need you to kill ya And it's him Pete Lee Pete Lee is Ian's favorite fucking comedian Really She sends me videos of Pete Lee All the fucking time Yeah Was I on it? No I think you're there in Hong Kong with us No that looks like me In the middle That's me That's me God look how young Chad Look how young those Look how young all you guys are What year is that? It's 2014 we filmed it in I think Late 2014 I think I think Or maybe it was Oh yeah Late 2014 going into 15 I want to say I can't remember Well that's when it came out though It was filmed Pete Lee You and Chad Daniels Are three funny motherfuckers It was fun It was fun as shit man Hong Kong Singapore and Macau You seen the documentary?
It was really funny I watched it Yeah we really had a good time I want to say we were there And maybe During 2015 at some time 2014 or 15 I don't know why I keep Telling you all that When was your first Netflix special there? March of 2014 It recorded in November 2013 So this definitely came out after that I mean it was recorded after that But I hadn't yet done the second special So it must have been Either late in 14 or early in 15 I wish I had the fucking I wish I had the Rogan effect On like on Burkast Because there's people that I find So fucking funny Like Chad Daniels and Pete Lee Oh and like put them on Yeah but I wish I could really pop people He's been selling out Everywhere he goes to But he should I think he should be bigger I think same with Pete Lee They're such funny Ian Bagg There are so many guys That are like amazingly funny They've been doing it for years And just are flawless Imagine Both me and you just did this We just watched Have you watched your cuts yet? I saw the first one You did watch it? I saw the first one Yeah I saw the cut to me yesterday I watched it at the beginning My shoulders look great That's all I care about Your shoulders look crazy Yeah Because I know I'm fat in it But I wanted to see my shoulders They look good I saw one cut they look really good He's such a crazy person But Chad Daniels did two specials In one night That's crazy That is insane For people that don't know That is insane I mean I don't know There's another human being In a life that would do that Or they can do that I couldn't do Two separate hours in a night You have to be kidding me I couldn't By the way that's why I say That's why I say When you go I know he's not out You should be doing bigger venues Because I can do that Maybe this will lead to that too You don't know when people's Time just comes And things just pop to them Because it happens all the time He has such a wealth of material So many hours So many hours I mean it's funny That Leanne has fallen in love With him and Pete Lee And he will send me Instagram You don't sleep in tattoos Hey do me a favor What was I going to say What was I just going to say Something about tattoos No No No No Leanne's a big fan I don't care I'm fucking That's amazing That flooded out my head so quick Yeah How big she's a fan She's a big fan She's a big fan Thanks Leanne I know Where's the fucking phone call From Leanne for me I wish I didn't care about money I don't care I feel like I'm worried that I'll run out Yeah Somebody saw my tour schedule And they were like How much money do you need They said that a lot Of the fucking most For Leanne for me I'll tell you I kind of talked to you About this a little bit Earlier in private But like Stavros does not give a fuck About money Chris DiStefano does not Give a fuck But you're just assuming this No I know this I know this Chris DiStefano had a conversation He was a guest bear Did you see that clip I mean it was a while ago We both got emotional About being parents I remember that Yeah and he was saying How much is it worth And I wonder if I'm a horrible person But I was like All of it Like you just You learned all of it Like that's how it works Like my brain I remember talking to Stavros And he was saying He's doing phenomenal right now But he doesn't He's like I just have to take time off I just don't give a fuck You walked away from one Of the fucking biggest podcasts Oh yeah yeah I just said like I'm done I'm on the next thing You realize You realize You realize the horrible things You could do to me On this podcast And I still would not leave It's a good paycheck It is a good paycheck Yeah good paycheck I respect that in those guys I respect it But I'm curious I don't get it Like Comptown was the biggest I mean like I wonder Okay alright I wonder how much of America Sees that But here's the thing There's a difference There's a thing about Being in entertainment That is different than all Like other reasonable Logical things Regular jobs And it is when you go I have a vision You Dude you Man I just smelled Whatever you blew out Like 10 seconds It was bad It was the bottom of my heart It smelled Any more ice by the way It smelled Someone started it up A knock baby Like somebody's asshole It's inside me Holy shit I want to fucking throw up But you You came to mind Because you could have Like pursued And just Just gone along with A re-up on your travel channel thing And so it's a similar Kind of mentality When you think about it When your travel channel Contract was up You had a good enough Relationship to be like I'm excited to do this again And just be happily Take that contract Yeah no I was like oh But if your goal was I gotta get that solid job again You have that job I only did that I only left You know I mean I've said this ad nauseum But the only reason I The only reason I could afford to leave Thank you buddy The only reason I could afford to leave Was that Because I had friends like you And Rogan Burr was very pivotal in that moment Of just supporting me To get me there Like I think about Stavros a lot Because Stavros and Chris DiStefano Maybe Giannis Probably Schultz Like a lot of those guys They don't think of money They think of money They already think of money Well I don't know if I mean If I would lump them all together Also like Schultz makes a great living So I think he can You can probably sit back And I think it's probably cool To be able to calculate Like what do I want to do I think I got success later in life Maybe so maybe I was a little more like You're like I can't let this go I'm like I'm fucking This is the one joke They made nonstop at that roast Was I'm on the road nonstop I'm on the road nonstop But yeah I mean I think also But is that why you care so much Because you hit success later But you're like I think so I was lucky to hit it later Because I appreciate it I appreciate it maybe more I'm guessing I think everyone appreciates their success But I think I definitely Like I definitely know It's like to be an old loser Like you know Like to be an older dude in the club That people look over their shoulder I definitely remember that I remember that vividly I remember dudes that like Legit guys coming up to me And going you're funny And I was like yeah You know I just remember right now You told me This is before you hit it That you were In the holidays You were back in Tampa And you had a show at Tampa Improv And then a bunch of people came out Like your family, friends A bunch of people And then you guys went somewhere I think it was Tampa Afterwards To like celebrate You know just like you're back home And then one of your friends was like How much did you pay for that And you're like what do you think And he ganked your check out of your hand And he's like oh my god And he was like oh Because that was still like And he was like that's not very much And you're like oh thanks Take the check back And you're like thanks a lot The guy has a $5 million house Yeah He sent me his address for Christmas You looked it up And looked at the value He sent me his address for Christmas He asked for my address And I was like okay I was like I should probably send him an address Send him an address I should get his address Send him a card or whatever And his house is fucking pretty fucking nice $5 million Yeah I remember that very vividly That's so funny Yeah If you look at my check Next time I go in Tampa I think he'd be a little shocked I'm sure he would be It also wouldn't be from the Tampa Improv It would be from like Wherever the fucking hockey team is You know what's so cool about us Is that we had the opportunity to be losers Like in the working to get to where you are Like very few careers I think I think there's like If you're a surgeon You know where you're ending up right Right If you're a lawyer You know where you're ending up But when you're a comic You're not guaranteed that So there's a real kind of like moment Where you've got to be cool With not making money You've got to be Almost like fucking go like Maybe that's where Stavros and those guys come from Is they're like I already accepted Yeah yeah That's the thing is I didn't I mean I accepted it was reality I didn't have money But I was also felt like I make it less about money I was like I'm going to be successful in this I didn't think I'd be successful I thought I'd be able to pay I thought I'd be able to pay rent But I didn't think I'd be able to pay mortgage With stand-up Or podcasting I didn't even know that was a thing But like so I think about that now And I go You know my friends got My friends graduated college And they got in And anyone listening to this Has to realize I'm coming from A very different generation It's like all my friends There was no internet There was no famous comedians When I was a kid There was Carlin Pryor Eddie Murphy Are you into comedy?
You had to really be into comedy And so it's crazy to me to think that Like I didn't know When I got into this I didn't know you could do the road I didn't even know what stand-up would do I just knew I liked it And I didn't know what you could do with it I didn't think there was any money To be made from it I don't think anyone thought there was any money I think everyone was like Oh something to do for a couple years And then you get into it I remember sitting managers of clubs down And like basically threatening them Like learning more and more about How that business works And explaining to them How they were fucking me I remember being in cars After you did that With other managers Who told me about when you did that To those managers On Monday mornings driving to the airport They're like Two friends with Tom right And I was like Yeah really good friends They're like What the fuck up with your boy I remember that I remember that vividly Well I would do things I was like Hold on So I got this bullshit guarantee And no fucking bonus But look at them I would like break down The ticket sales to them I go So you're fucking just You're absolutely You're ripping me Is what you're doing And they're like I am not I was like You are You're a racist Yeah And then I remember that car ride In Columbus Driving back with Dave It's like What's up with your boy Tommy That's so fucking You know I remember telling your wife I remember telling your wife Secret time I remember being I remember saying Vividly She could probably recall Do not listen to your husband He does not know what he's doing He is not the person You should listen to Trust me Trust me You go to the Toledo Funny Bone You pay your dues You'll build a following I go to Tom And she's like Well Tom wants us to do rock venues And I was like Tom doesn't know what he's doing Trust me And then I remember I remember I was rocking off Georgia She was in 6th grade And you called And you said You need to get the fuck Out of Philly At the comic club You need to do the rock And I went What? And you go I'm sending the guys info And I'm sending me stuff right now And I was like I'm like Tom I'm burning bridges And I built the church And it's so funny And then I remember Going from doing 6 shows at the Helium To 6 shows at the Troc Which was It was like Every show was 3 times The size of And I was like What the fuck You're like Trust me And you know That's what's crazy Is like By the way I hope everyone understands I love And Giannis And all the guys We're talking about I love them But like I spent so much time In those funny bones That I got indoctrinated Like I got indoctrinated That you gotta Party with the waitstaff You gotta be cool So you gotta tip out You gotta do Whatever they say Send a shot to the stage Take it I'm not saying That all the guys I mentioned I didn't get to enjoy those nights I enjoyed them I did crazy shit on the road With waitstaffs Like going to barn parties For like I mean 10 years It's crazy Yeah you were like When you left the clubs You were like the club guy I was definitely I would do stuff To make sure people hung out At the bar afterwards So they could still get their money In the bar And then by crazy They were like It's Friday We don't have alcohol for tomorrow They'd sell out of their fucking booze I remember We did that in Helium And Helium I came in on Saturday And we had sold them out Of all their alcohol On Friday Because Joe Flacco Shout out to Joe Flacco Yeah right Joe Flacco was behind the bar Or whatever it's called And they all showed up They all partied And we did a meet and greet And one guy Joe Flacco right That's his name For the Ravens Yeah Way to go Joe He Him and his buddies Came over And they took a picture And they said hi He was very cool Like very very cool And then kind of started to leave Is he still in the league? No can't be i mean gotta be that was 10 years ago uh oh i mean we could have just he's still in yeah he's still in he was a man he was a very cool dude by the way he's aggressively big he's huge he's a big dude so he's in the line we say hi and his friends are like one of his boys is like don't right you know joe flacker right i was like what he's like joe flacker was like you're fucking joe i'm wasn't him we brought him we brought him dude he fucking loved you i was like oh that's cool and then i was like and we still had my whole thing was like i thought i only was valuable to the clubs if i could make sure they told us a lot of booze i always wanted to come back next year yeah and i was always like sorry i was like guys why don't you come out i didn't like say hey joe i was like you guys come back and drink like okay and then i just he's like six five yeah and i was like come back and he goes by the bar and then he's like pouring drinks and everywhere yeah everyone's like joe flacker's making drinks and we drank so much booze that night we stayed out until five minutes we skipped the place until five in the morning how do you recover from this shit i don't know i think i do it less better now but the next day we showed up they couldn't start the early show because they didn't have beer to serve to anyone they didn't have any beer or booze to serve to anyone they're like we can make whiskey gingers and like that was it and i remember i was like so proud in my head i was like i was like dude happened in tampa tampa was we did that i used to do that concert to work show you remember that yeah i do a concert show for anyone that doesn't remember i go and do radio drink on radio then go and do a show at like 11 o'clock in the morning and i tell everyone concert work on radio the concert work meeting at the club we're gonna do a morning show and i did i did all over the place i did one in tampa that they drank them out of booze before i got to the club and man it was evident that's why i gave out your phone number i gave out your phone number and i gave and a guy was like i have stage four brain cancer in the middle of the show i was like well let me buy a drink he goes uh rum and diet coke i go sir make it a coke that's true yeah because yeah his son called me again my dad was the guy that you show he's dead yeah cheers to that dude he's a cool dude front row front row front row how old is he this is pretty old he's like 50 that's not that old six but he's like he's old like rogan like old like rogan that's cool i wish i had the stuff that like those guys have like i think just definitely doing it right like he's spending time with his kids this kid and he's the stoppers is like getting like i love him you see his dog gets in shape and stuff no it's great it's great i respect those guys i don't understand it i think that's my thing it's like i don't understand it i chased money so much in my career because i never had it yeah like i i i identify with you very much on that yeah right yeah of course also there's this thing though there can be an addiction to success like you get a taste of success and you go like i don't want that taste to go away you know when you look at the like the top performing let's say you know movie people what do you see in them i think you see something that's very stands out very good i'm talking about like kevin hart the rock mark walberg tom cruise is that they were you know working actors right working comedian act whatever wrestler they get success and then they're like they're like you get like addicted to being successful and having things like be like and money is tied to it's not all about money and so then what they do is like what do you see these guys they all are four of those guys i listen very physical they all are known for like working out night and day yeah being extremely driven and doing project to project to project to project and is that like the end all be all of that like is that gonna make them happy i don't know but i understand the mentality of like i want what i do to be good and have it be a success i understand that i understand that as you said that i went god damn it do i have that like all right secret time everyone that listens to what i'm about to say has to love me with all your heart okay because i'm being vulnerable and that's part of this podcast don't be a cult about what i'm about to say okay i enjoy i do enjoy getting recognized i do enjoy it it makes me feel nice like it makes me feel like the thing i've worked so hard at doing yeah people recognize i genuinely yeah i genuinely enjoy it and i wonder sometimes i do wonder silently myself what that would feel like if it just went away if it went away and then like what i i don't know that i don't know that i maybe when i was younger i noticed it more now i don't notice it as much like today going to the Austin airport i actually got recognized so much that i was like and it was a little annoying you know that peter was like yo yo can we do this walking so people take pictures yeah that i am very cognizant to say no no it's fine because i always feel like it's going away i always feel like it's on the way out so i go no i don't want to take a picture with everyone and and it's it's so funny i wonder if that's what tom cruise has i identify a lot with tom cruise i was i was with you for a minute me and him would be boys he could get me in a scientology in a heartbeat oh i'm sure he could oh i'm like if somebody's like i can get somebody in a scientology i'd like to see it and then they put you in there like this is a case closed just hold on to see ropes all i just i just uh what do you identify with about him the working part i have a hard time well because i work i busy myself knowing that it'll take away uh time i get to think so like i i pack my schedule i pack it so that i go i'm home let's just do something i don't want to be sitting alone what am i gonna do sitting in my house is dead george is gone it's dead i was at school i'm just sitting there with just fucking four dogs and fucking nine cats or whatever the man has and then the end walks in and i'm just sitting there in the house so i'm not working i go what am i doing i might as well work dude i heard somebody on fishnet fishnet tiktok talking about how many how many weeks he has left right is he sick no he just goes i'm not living past 100. oh so then i got 6 000 weeks left right oh i'm doing the math wrong i'm certain how many weeks is that is 50 years we take it so i got i have two let's just say i have 2 600 weeks left i mean god damn if you get to 100 i'm probably getting there i was shocked okay okay 2 000 weeks left right yeah let's let's pare it down 2 000 well hold on how many weeks is 2 000 weeks find out what 2 000 weeks is uh it's like two five years okay just swipe out the thing and do the thing 40.
about 40. okay so i'll get that 90. i'm definitely getting 90. okay so i have 2 000 weeks left right yeah i have 2 000 weeks left mother fucker oh my god it just gave me an anxiety attack i have 2 000 weeks left i have 2 000 weeks left i would i would honestly i gotta stop doing this all i do is fucking i would say you guys at best i think you have 1 400 weeks left 2 000 what's 1 400 weeks it's another 10 years so you're at 80.
no no no no no no you're not having 90 dude i'm gonna be i'm gonna live the 90 i definitely both unless i'm like something tragic like i'm what wolf like i'm definitely 90. i'm definitely 90. really yeah i would be shocked if i died at all like if you have you can i tell you a cool story yeah sure sure dude survives world war ii right who does this guy okay okay deshawn leg that's a cool it's a good transition too okay survives world war ii but he was at pearl harbor him and his best friend that he grew up with were on arizona deshawn leg by the way if you heard this in the same podcast i did shut the up john leg climbs down a rope gets into a boat lives lives to 99 years old just died recently uh gets cremated and he has divers take him down to his uh in arizona thing down to his thing put his ashes down where his position was holy yeah i'm gonna get emotional because he said no i've seen people buried in graves no one goes to the grave after a while but people will be coming here hopefully oh wow for the rest of the world oh motherfucker don't you want to die in a fucking like fucking like i want i want i don't want to be just get buried no and then well yeah no one gives a fuck let's go to maryland we're okay comics on netflix we're not no one's coming by our graves yeah i know i don't care if the masses come by my grave oh i don't want to be forgotten this is a big difference between us i don't want to be forgotten at all um i think i'm pretty sure together we should and then people always come our graves a mausoleum dude hear me out okay we do a big mausoleum where florida florida yeah oh fuck you're in florida right and and uh you know we take a really shitty part of the state we have a really big one or something just have a fucking you know 10 000 square foot mausoleum we have a steward florida oh we have a huge mausoleum we build our own mausoleums next door to each other right yeah just massive and all our family's gonna be buried there and it's like turning into like the arm and hammer i mean that's the only thing in fucking steward florida when we just build like i don't want to be buried under earth i don't think i want to be a mausoleum you're gonna be you're gonna be of course you're gonna be yeah yeah why what the fuck dude why don't you want to be cremated because it's stupid you just then get burned and then you don't have a lot of ash they say it's well nope it's a handful okay you turn into this no i want to be i want to be i want i want something big i know i'm crazy but like i wonder if people listen to this going like i want something big also like i want to be remember don't you want to be remembered don't you want people talking about you for the rest of your life well i'm i'm dead your dad your dad said something when he passed before we passed i don't know if he goes well you just remember what i said my dad my dad's that's the truth life goes fucking on life goes on yeah i don't let you i don't want it to he said the world good yeah i don't want it to i wanted to stop for a little while and remember me I don't want it to go on He's totally serious I'm not even fucking around at all I'm really not fucking around Doesn't everyone feel like that a little bit? I mean probably a little bit I mean everybody wants to be acknowledged Everybody wants to be seen I think more people feel like that about other people Like you want You know like your dad or your sibling You want people to recognize The people close to you Have you done anything By the way I'm drunk So if we edit this out we can Have you done anything like to set up Because your dad was like a big Help people out guy Yeah yeah yeah Are you doing stuff like that?
I mean I kind of got into some Philanthropy but I haven't like set up like a foundation Is that the thing you do to Keep your name in one? You can do that for I mean you know It's not out of the question That I would do something like that for him But yeah it just depends You know I mean Depends on the person you're trying to Honor and keep there He's like you though He loved recognition Really? Oh my god He absolutely glowed at recognition I mean he's like you know You see this in the paper They call me in my opinion on this thing Take a look And I'm like yeah He's like pretty neat I'm like yeah He's like you read it I just fucking saw it He loved people When they come to my shows And people would stop him He was like I go this guy He's like people want to picture me And he's like Take these weird fucking photos He loved it And I'd be like let's go And he's like Tommy I'm with the fans I'm like oh my god I can't believe I never met him And I never got to meet him Yeah yeah Well you will in about 1600 weeks Oh fuck me Oh I thought today was gonna suck It's been such a great day It's been such a great fucking day Have you ever met that? A few times Yeah yeah yeah Of course yeah Oh fuck I'm so happy right now Why has this happened?
I'm so happy Like in these moments When I'm drinking and we're partying And then all of a sudden I go past the thing with Jason I made fun of you on stage Cause you know We both have like a bit about each other Oh my god This person was like Hey I'm like what We love her Like defending you I was like oh boy Like oh he's about to die 1600 We should count it down Yeah And then when I die I want merch sold How many weeks I had left Yeah And we can arrange that And just a number Just 800 I mean I'm giving you 30 years Right 30 years Yeah How old do you think you'll be? When I die? I think I'll be like Late 70s My dad's sick right now But with the Like I think pneumonia With pneumonia? Yeah It is serious for the older people And I saw it for the first time in his eyes I was like Oh shit this is no joke That's the thing You gotta avoid those fucking You gotta avoid that shit Yeah Those viruses that show up And then all of a sudden You're like fucking legit sick Oh yeah That's why COVID just wiped out The whole fucking elderly population All those They were the super vulnerable ones You know Yeah that is fucking I think I'm gonna I'm definitely living in 75 I'm definitely living in 75 I'll definitely get 75 I think I get 80 easy I think I get 80 of people And I think people will be like Can't believe it's a lady Like what the hell yeah I think I think I'm an out-living man I'm pretty sure of that How come?
Well I think that's the way The world works Is this not fair? Like what is it fair? Everyone's gonna be like Everyone's gonna be like Oh that's not fair Christina is adamant That she's gonna outlive me And I'm like Oh no No no no We're all going to her funeral We're all going to her funeral And everyone's gonna say It should have been burnt Yeah she's like You know She has that cockroach Eastern European DNA And um Yeah she's been like Oh she's like certain But I mean like Her mother died younger Not young I remember saying something to her And then her father's still alive And then my father died My mother's still My mother's like A fucking anomaly Your mom's It's fucking She hasn't gained a pound In 40 years She eats toast And cookies And pastries And like And Starburst It was so hard To kill Peruvian back in the day Because they lived At different elevations And so Peruvians man The Spaniards will tell you This all day long They couldn't get them They couldn't get them You ever hear a story About the Peruvian general That came down And lit all the Spaniards On the fire side of the church Nope My mom does not know that story Peruvians are hard to fucking kill Yeah I don't know though I'm talking about genetics And most of her siblings have died No you got Your mom's genetic It's like who the survivor Right your mom's Your dad got fucked It's not genetics My dad's still alive My mom's still alive My mom's like a fucking bull My brother's still alive He's 81 My dad's brother's 81 still alive Is he similar to your dad? Yeah, very similar They're very similar He's a fucking rock-biting lunatic Rock-biting lunatic He flew Listen to this Rock-biting lunatic Dude, there's two things you've said There's two things you've said in this world That I repeat in my head No, I mean under 411 with the hands Rock-biting lunatic This savage flew over 600 missions in Vietnam They were bomb-dropping Well, not together And this guy was there a lot longer And just blowing up villages So I get like 600 missions each time Think of that Every time he took off That's a chance that you don't come back 600 is a fucking roll of the dice That's fucking crazy Shut up And just always And just Like mowing in every place Yeah Like my dad would talk about Vietnam Like whatever you want to talk about This guy, he's like He doesn't say a word No, he doesn't like to talk Shut the fuck up Yeah, I swear Yeah A rock-biting lunatic God damn it How old is he, 81?
Yeah Really? How old is your dad when he was? He wasn't that old He was probably 74 Really? Yeah So then the goal is to outlive our dads, right?
Yeah, you want to I think so, yeah Alright So I hope my dad dies soon Sounds like he's on his way How old is he? 75 District 75 Yes, two days ago Two days ago? Yeah, two days ago Call him on his birthday And he could not talk Oh no Is he home? He's home He had the gout I had COVID for like a fifth time I've had COVID the most Really?
I've had COVID five times What does your dad think Of what we were talking about Like the work thing Is he the type who's like Take time off Fucking, you know Eat shit, cash checks, buddy That's his words If you have a My dad's gonna sell merch It's eat shit, cash checks So he's like Go to work You fucking work Buddy, buddy I can hear every conversation I've ever had with my dad About working That's what you do That's what you do You're a man You get up You go to work It's part of the punitive Part of my brain When I wake up all over This morning The most hungover I've ever been waking up And I can say that quantifiably I drank all night last night I drank well into two in the morning I smoked a ton of weed And I got blackout drunk For the roast I didn't want to know If anything hurt my feelings I didn't want to show it my face So I passed out I woke up And I heard my dad You're not dead You can't die from being tired Get the fuck up And I was like Alright But my dad is My dad was very similar He would be like What do you mean Like not work What are you talking He'd be like Huh? If I was like I tour 358 days here He'd be like Yeah that makes sense Yeah Oh my dad Will go on Where he at Like he follows me On Life360 And I go on I'm in the fucking Wisconsin And he's like Nice nice nice We got two shows tonight And he goes Yeah alright Good good good How's the girls doing It's always like Make sure I mean He did say At one point I have to give him credit He did say He felt he fucked me up Because he implemented that In my head About each of the Dig ditches Every weekend They do not want to dig ditches My dad did that manual labor My dad mopped up floors Dug holes He did all of that I got lucky enough That my manual labor Was like folding sweaters I never had the rough life That most men have And my dad's like Boy that's the reality That's the reality You get an opportunity To make some money You make that money Because you can't guarantee It's going to be there And so I think If we come full circle With this whole conversation And look Stavros' dad Definitely First generation From Greece Everyone's dad's a hustler And whatnot I'm not saying I don't want this to be Like a butt Chris the seven of his dad Gangster from fucking Yeah New York They're all Wanting to do what you want to do That will do Ten times harder Do everything better than you Because you have no fucking humility My dad instilled humility in me And I think that's why I'm so honest I think that's why I'm like Constantly thinking Like I think that's why I'm so open about stuff Man I'm so bummed Your dad has passed I wish my dad and your dad Could have gotten together That would have been fun Yeah they probably would have Really had a good time Talking about their I don't even know what your dad looks like Really? I'll show you a picture Yeah I love you so much You too man Isn't that crazy? Yeah it's crazy yeah Yeah We're good friends man What kind of hat is that?
I don't know You don't know? I have no fucking idea I don't know what I'm doing Are you ready for dinner? I'm so ready for dinner I'm pretty fucking lit I know We have to Do you have a car here? No We have to get an Uber for somebody Oh yeah No because you have selfish cars I have a selfish car I think you should go in the Uber And I'll take a Not a bad idea Our friend It's not a bad idea Yeah And he might throw up in my car Oh yeah Oh you should drive me like a fucking lunatic I can do Oh you're definitely dying before me Oh that could happen Yeah You know that was the big thing You hurt yourself playing basketball Everyone was like Hey that's not It's his cars right Oh yeah If you got a car crash No one will give a fuck They'll be like Oh let's just get Let's just get Let's just get If I die I'm going to overdose Everyone's like Oh let's just get Let's just get Yeah you're drinking What's the death Where everyone gives you empathy Saving a kid Yeah like House fire Drowned flood And you're like You jumped in to grab somebody out of the water Yeah then you're You don't want to be forgotten That's how you should die I'll do it Saving somebody else I'll do it I'll do it in a heartbeat Do it today I should go around I should put on a cape You should put on a cape And do it Alright we gotta get out of here Hey thanks to Whataburger I'm sure that's what you want to be attached to Was that a fart?
No maybe Let's get out of here Fuck off Bert and Tom Tom and Bert One goes top The other bears a shirt Tom tells stories And Bert's a machine There's not a chance in hell But they'll keep it clean Here's what we call Two bears one cave No scripts of Bidaboos Amateur propology Dirty jokes Roger Peter No apologies Here's what we call Two bears one cave