If God's Not Using Me, Am I Useless?

It’s 2026 and I feel completely unprepared. What is this year? What are we doing? After entertaining my kids all through Christmas break, I could use a vacation. But while I’d rather be hibernating and procrasti-baking, life continues apace!In this time of new year’s resolutions and grand plans, I’ve been thinking about purpose—as in, do we all have one? Just one? And who gets to decide such a thing? Answers were simpler before I deconstructed my faith. When I was confirmed, I had to recite answers to the Westminster Catechism including this exchange:Q: “What is the chief end of man?”A: “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”Even as an eager-to-please 11-year-old, this answer struck me as fishy. Didn’t people spend their whole lives trying to figure out the meaning of life? Was I just supposed to accept the Westminster Catechism at face value and never seek out the answers for myself? Then, as now, that was very much NOT MY VIBE.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.As I grew older and entered into more Evangelical spaces, capital-P Purpose got further dumbed down. There were worship songs and ranting prayers about being “tools for God” and letting God “use” us. Being used by God was, in that worldview, the best-case scenario. In my Calvinist upbringing, we were taught that humans were inherently evil and incapable of doing good. Ergo, the only way to escape this cycle of evil was to hollow oneself out, become a mere vessel for the will of God. And since we were inherently evil, our intuition couldn’t be trusted; joy was suspect. We couldn’t count on our own feelings to point us towards purpose! Instead, we ought to obey a higher calling—whatever that was. Obedience was the only way to be safe, and suffering was evidence of a job well done. It’s a black-and-white, all-or-nothing kind of life, either you’re following God’s mysterious plan for your life (probably to become a missionary) or risking his wrath. It’s telling that, in no other relationship, would we be okay with this kind of rhetoric. Imagine your friend was dating a guy who repeatedly told her she was evil and couldn’t do anything right. Imagine she tells you that her only desire is to be “used” by him. We would call that abuse.I know all this, and yet, it’s hard to un-learn this “I’m a piece of shit” theology. When I ask questions about purpose, is it out of fear of an angry god? Or is it just the garden-variety imposter syndrome of a middle-aged freelancer? So, this month I want to look at Purpose:* Does everyone have a purpose?* If so, do we have one purpose, or many?* Who determines that purpose? If it’s us, how do we know it’s a good one?* Is believing in purpose just an anxiety response?* Or is seeking purpose an innate desire to connect with something higher/outside of ourselves?* How do you know if you’re fulfilling your purpose?* Should I read Rick Warren’s best-selling The Purpose-Driven Life and report back?I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this—via email, text, or the comments section. What should I be reading/listening to/thinking about re: purpose?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe