Heretic Hereafter Podcast

I was out with a group of mom friends recently when the conversation turned to how much we have to schlep our kids around—driving/walking them to school, to sports practice, to lessons and day camps. There was broad consensus that: * we hate it* it feels mandatory as “good moms” AND* we wonder whether our kids could…just maybe…be a little more independent? This last point was uttered cautiously, as if everyone was reading the room, terrified of being judged. And with good reason. All too often maternal suffering feels like a competition; if you’re not having a bad time, you must not be doing enough. And don’t your precious little babies deserve EVERYTHING?Moms are expected to make sacrifices to our careers, personal interests, and even our health in order to ensure that our offspring are protected from every imaginable risk AND maintain dominance in the extracurricular arms race. The end goal of this is… unclear. Harvard, I guess? Some magical career that will guarantee a comfortable, middle-class life with zero upheaval? Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Arrested for Leaving Her Kid Alone in a CarAuthor Kim Brooks knows firsthand the consequences of being judged a “bad mom”—after leaving her preschooler in the car for 5 minutes while she ran into a store, Virginia police put out a warrant for her arrest. This led to a two-year legal tussle, which she admits, could’ve been much worse if she weren’t white and middle-class.At first, Brooks kept her legal problems a secret. She felt weirdly ashamed even as she recognized, logically, that her son had been perfectly safe. It was a cool day; she’d cracked the windows. She could see the car from the checkout counter, for crying out loud!But when she began sharing the issue with friends, the mommy judgment machine went into high gear. Again and again, people told her she should never have left her son alone, not even for a minute, because of the risk of STRANGER DANGER, “anything could have happened” was a common refrain.Reality CheckBrooks chronicles this saga and the wider panic around American childhood in her book, Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear. In it, Brooks interrogates many of our modern parenting fears, including the obsession with Stranger Danger. She notes that stranger abductions make up a mere 3% of all child disappearances (many of which are parental abductions, runaways, or simply kids who are lost for a few hours.) American historian Steven Mintz has called Stranger Danger a moral panic, saying that, following economic upheaval in the 70s,“Focusing concern on threats to children may have provided a solution to this psychological dilemma [of job insecurity and growing wealth inequality.] Anxiety about the future could be expressed in terms of concerns for children’s safety.” Brooks adds that focusing all one’s energy on children’s safety rather than an uncertain economy, “feels more manageable.”How Stranger Danger Harms KidsThe practical effects of the Stranger Danger moral panic were a vast reduction in childhood independence. Whereas kids in previous generations often walked or biked themselves places and organized their own games and pastimes with other neighborhood kids, nowadays there seem to be two options available to children: overscheduling hell or screen zombiedom. Case in point: my 11-year-old wants to learn to skateboard. If he were living in a different country or a different era, I’d drop him off at the local skatepark (or, even better, tell him to bus there himself) and let him hang out with older kids who could show him the ropes. But the skateparks near us sit empty most of the time, unless someone is being directly supervised (and, let’s be honest, nitpicked) by a parent or there’s a skateboard day camp ($$$) in session. Today’s kids are rarely unsupervised.This lack of independence hurts kids. It makes them more anxious and worse at handling interpersonal conflicts. And having adults hovering nearby prevents kids from gaining self-efficacy (a feeling that they can handle challenges and influence their environment.) And self-efficacy, it turns out, is one of the biggest preventive factors for kids developing drug and alcohol addiction. How Stranger Danger Harms AdultsIt’s not just kids who suffer the effects of this moral panic, I think it’s a huge contributor to what I call the “Parenting Misery Spiral”: the more that parents must do for their kids, the less time they have for basic self-care, hobbies, and maintaining romantic and friend relationships. Children act out because no one likes feeling controlled, and parents are exhausted and miserable. Is it any wonder why so many people are opting out of having kids when parenting looks like such an awful slog? And the fewer people who have kids, the more having kids becomes seen as a “lifestyle choice” like pet ownership or an expensive hobby, rather than something necessary for a functioning society. In many largely child-free cities like Seattle, parents and kids feel unwelcome in public spaces (or even in apartment buildings) leading to further isolation. How We Fight Unnecessary PanicI know all this, and yet I’m not immune from the fearmongering. My 13-year-old son is one of the few kids in his school who doesn’t have a phone, something I feel great about until he gets lost riding the city bus, which has happened several times this year. In a city with multiple open-air drug markets and a large number of unhoused, mentally ill people, it’s easy to panic when my son is not home on time.Luckily, my husband talks me down when I start frantically researching tracking devices. I’m glad because my son’s confidence has really grown since he’s been able to get himself where he needs to be. He’s even started having more spontaneous, after-school hangouts with friends, which is a huge win for all of us!A CaveatI don’t teach my kids about Stranger Danger. I tell them that 95% of strangers are kind people who would help them if they got lost. The one exception to that is that I think kids need to know how to spot someone who’s not in their right mind. Big city kids learn: we do not make eye contact or talk with folks who are tweaking, muttering to themselves, or otherwise seem off. But that dude staring at his cellphone? He’s fine. That mom with a stroller? Great choice. The bus driver? Helping is part of his job! My own lived experience (including several pre-smart phone years getting lost on transit) has shown me that most strangers are kind and willing to help, especially if it’s a kid.Advice For Setting Your Kids FreeWhat if you want your kid to be more independent but you’re scared of judgment or, God forbid, someone calling the cops? Here are a few tips:* Resist fearmongering. Bone up on a couple of stats and reassure your friends. Remind them about what used to be normal! * Scaffold independence. Kids don’t walk themselves to school overnight. Teach them how to cross the street safely, practice walking with them, then practice hanging back a block or two, until it’s enough to wave them goodbye.* Observe neighborhood norms. Is there a particular age where free-ranging kids are generally accepted? If your neighbor kids are going to the store independently at 12, can you work backwards and figure out some appropriate milestones like walking to a friend’s house or playing without grownups at the park? This will also depend on your kid’s personality and abilities. I emphasize to my kids that being dependable = a longer leash.* Get a group together. If your kid walking alone makes you nervous, can you draft a buddy? A group of kids? Can younger siblings tag along with older ones?* Know your rights. If you’re harassed by police or “well meaning” citizens (as Kim Brooks was) groups like Let Grow and Lenore Skenazy’s Free-Range Kids can offer advice. They also have other great resources on their sites!A Final ThoughtI’ve spent the past several weeks thinking and writing about fear and how we respond to it. Do we run towards it? Away? Pretend it’s not happening? One of Kim Brooks’ quote about over-researching things that scare you struck me as very wise:“Knowing, as anyone with an anxiety disorder can tell you, is one step away from controlling.”Her point is, of course, that we can’t control what’s going to happen to our kids. We can’t protect them from everything, nor should we. At the end of the day, kids are other humans who are only temporarily in our care. BONUS MATERIALS:* curious about self-efficacy and preventing addiction in kids? Jessica Lahey is my go-to resource* want some parenting newsletters that are reassuring and funny instead of judgy and scary? Pretend You're Good At It and Middle-Aged Lady Mom are two of my favs! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

I think it happened a few months into the pandemic: I started seeing the phrase “faith over fear” popping up everywhere. It was in social media bios, on protest signs, and emblazoned across t-shirts. The phrase’s ubiquity seemed to correlate with anti-lockdown and anti-vaccine protests. While the phrase in itself could mean many things, to this day if I happen to see a person wearing this tee, I tend to assume “they are probably not vaccinated.” It’s like the inverse of one of those “In this house we believe” yard signs that sprung up all over Seattle after Trump was first elected.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.The Merging of Political Party & ReligionIt’s tragic that COVID safety measures became so quickly polarized. I wonder how many lives were unnecessarily lost because wearing masks and getting vaccinated became associated with being liberal. I still believe that if we’d been able to have productive dialogue, we might have reached a middle ground on things like school reopenings. Instead, each side dug in their heels, painting the other as completely unreasonable.“Faith over fear” feels of a piece with the Christian Nationalism that is ascendant in our current administration. It feels untethered to reality, as if magical thinking can protect us from bad things happening. It’s like those unsympathetic church ladies who tell you that your cancer or car accident is “part of God’s will” and that your dead grandma is “in a better place.” Or maybe the phrase is a justification to do whatever you want wrapped in bad theology: people will die, but probably not me, so who cares? The Two Types of FreedomI remember learning in high school government class that there are two types of freedom: freedom to and freedom from. i.e. if any rando has the freedom to own an assault rifle that means some of us won’t have the freedom from being shot. Freedom from masking might mean others don’t have the freedom to survive COVID. I’m not saying it’s an easy calculus. Life is packed with risks that we as both a society and as individuals choose to mitigate or ignore. The same CDC that pushed masking also strongly suggests you never consume raw cookie dough. Riding in a car is one of the most dangerous things many of us do every day and never think about.Is there a spiritual yardstick we can use to assess risk? Are there some lessons from the Bible that can help us determine when fear is a reasonable response?The Bible on Fear…The Bible talks about fear often. “Fear not!” is one of its most-repeated commands, often uttered by some kind of angel/supernatural being to apparently terrified mortals. Yet this reassurance is contrasted with oft-quoted Proverbs 9:10, “Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”So which is it? Fear God or fear not? Should we just have faith that everything will work the way we want it to just because we’re Christians? (And obviously bad things never happen to Christians!)…Is Profoundly MisunderstoodAs I set out to explore fear as a topic, reader Darla recommended the book How Not to Be Afraid: Seven Ways to Live When Life Feels Terrifying, by Gareth Higgins. Higgins knows fear well, having grown up queer in Belfast during The Troubles. In this wise little book he covers a gamut of fears from rejection to death.I really enjoyed this book (the audio version is read by the author, in a beautiful lilting accent.) I’ll probably buy a hardcopy so I can vigorously highlight and reread, but what struck me on first listen were two points:* The verse “Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom” is profoundly misunderstood. Higgins writes:“It doesn’t mean that there’s a scary, bearded guy in the sky who loves you so much that he will kill you if you don’t agree with him. It means that becoming wise begins with honoring reality. There’s a healthy way to be afraid that helps us live better and an unhealthy one that makes us sick. There’s a well-worn, but sometimes hidden, path that can help us discern the difference.”(emphasis mine.)As someone who grew up with alcoholics and saw first-hand the destruction of denial, this idea of “honoring reality” strikes me as wise. We can’t get anywhere unless we are willing to face things as they are, even when it is scary or hard.And having discarded my own ideas of God as a “scary bearded guy” I like thinking of God in these more abstract terms: God is ultimate reality, God is the love that underpins the universe. God as the source of all creation. * That “Our fears are reactions to the stories we believe.”Higgins is a big believer in examining our stories. Why do we fear this thing? What are we telling ourselves about it? Is it possible another story is true? It’s not that we should never be afraid of anything, rather, we have to hold the hand of fear and bring it to reality, asking ourselves: is this thing I’m afraid of actually that scary?On Discerning the DifferenceYet all this wisdom is often easier to hear than implement. In the case of COVID, it was difficult to figure out what reality actually was. Was COVID “just another flu”? Or was it a catastrophic, world-altering event? Much of peoples’ individual responses hinged on how they answered that question. To make a play on a George Carlin quote, “Have you ever noticed that anybody who masks more than you is an idiot, and everyone who masks less is a lunatic?”Much of the trouble with COVID was its novelty. Scientists were doing their best to give us good information, some of which proved useful (social distancing, masks) and some of which didn’t (wiping down groceries, zoom school.) Perhaps in situations where we don’t have the full information, all we can do is give each other grace and try our best. Yes, grace. Even for those wearing “faith over fear” tees.What do you think of “faith over fear”? Am I alone in thinking this is an antivax shirt? Looking back on COVID, what do you think we should’ve/could’ve done differently?As always, I love to hear feedback from readers in the comments, via email, or DM.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

When my husband’s friend invited us to his wedding in Chongqing, China, I was hesitant to RSVP in the affirmative. It was far and plane tickets were expensive, but mainly I was anxious. China’s government is scary, right? I’d read plenty of news reports about government corruption and the lack of due process, not to mention the Uygur genocide. I’ve long followed the career of Chinese dissident artist, Ai Weiwei, and was horrified at his arrest for making art criticizing the government’s response to the Great Sichuan Earthquake.Even discounting my probably irrational fear of disappearing into a Chinese prison, I worried about more mundane things: government surveillance, unsafe drinking water, a language barrier Duolingo couldn’t even, and I did I mention squat toilets? While my husband and I have been lucky enough to travel extensively in Europe, China felt like quite a leap. Some family members privately nudged us to skip the wedding, or at least leave our kids safely behind in the U.S.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.My anxiety was not unique. In his book, Travel as a Political Act, Europe guide and certified baddie Rick Steves notes that when people left for a trip, we used to say things like “bon voyage” and “have a good trip.” Post 9/11, we’re more likely to say things like “be safe”—as if to imply that the world is more dangerous than ever, when the truth is, a person is over 30,000 times more likely to die in a car accident than in a terrorist attack. You’re probably safer walking in a foreign city than you are driving around your hometown.Despite my fears, the Millennial #YOLOs got the better of me. We booked the tickets. In the meantime, I tried to calm my anxiety by panic buying travel gear. As I prepared, I thought about Scott Samuelson’s framing of the three ways of dealing with pointless suffering: fix it, face it, or forget it. I wondered if these approaches applied to fear: you can deny your feelings (forget it), you can try to learn more to alleviate your fear (fix it), or you can simply accept your fear (face it.) In my usual fashion, I opted for a combination of fix it/face it.On the research front, there was little information for American tourists visiting Chongqing. While it’s a city of 30 million people, most tourists tend to be Chinese tour groups visiting old communist sites. YouTube was my main source of info, but even American vloggers’ takes felt somewhat dystopian as video after video proclaimed, “I love how there are cameras absolutely everywhere, it’s SO SAFE!” A friend who had traveled to China confirmed some eerie “coincidences” that led her to the conviction she was being surveilled during her trip.My husband and I prepared as best we could, scrubbing our phones of sensitive information, packing portable soap and toilet paper, reminding our kids to drink only the bottled water the hotel provided. And then there was nothing to do but face my fears.And? China was totally different than I expected. As I dined, shopped, and visited a kitschy theme park, I was reminded: people are people everywhere. It’s easy to get hung up on culture clashes, but our commonalities are much greater than our differences.No matter where I’ve traveled to, I’ve met people who are excited to share their culture and food, people who will stop to help a clueless tourist find her way. There was the proprietress of a noodle stand who spent an inordinate amount of time trying to make sure I understood the different spice levels of a dish, and a bunch of excited kids at a theme park who wanted to chat with us in English. At our friend’s wedding, Chinese uncles plied us with alcohol, and hotpot waitresses babysat us as we failed to comprehend proper cooking times. During times of political strife, Americans often stoke each others’ fear of traveling. We imagine whole countries of people who hate us. We joke about sewing Canadian flag patches to our backpacks or think we need to introduce ourselves by apologizing for our president. But in my experience, people generally understand that we are not our government. In turn, we ought to remember that others are not their government, either. These person-to-person connections are what makes travel, as Rick Steves puts it, “a political act.” It’s a lot harder to vote to bomb a country once you’ve met its people. Travel puts us in touch with all of our wonderful commonalities: desire for beauty, for safety, for community, for reverence. And still travel offers novelty and surprise! Here are some things in China that surprised me:* -people offering my 13 -year-old son alcohol (repeatedly!)* -many people asking to take our photos because white people were exciting* -all the bathrooms had toilet paper! (but yes, most were squat toilets) * -an abundance of high-protein snacks* -a Chinese drag queen performance at the theme park* -taxis driving wherever they felt like (ditto motorcycles on the sidewalks) * -Don’t speak Chinese? You can get pretty far just pointing and nodding, Google Translate also worked in a pinch. BONUS MATERIALS:* -looking for more travel inspo? I loved this post by friend of the Stack, Skylar Renslow * -this comedian parses cultural differences to hilarious results* Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Maybe you’re thinking to yourself: why would I want to do that? Maybe that phrasing strikes you as odd. Don’t we want to get rid of fear? It’s not only an unpleasant feeling, it’s one that we judge ourselves for. We want to see ourselves as brave, so we try to ignore or resist feeling fear. The trouble is, the more you try to resist an emotion, the stronger it gets. Our bodies were designed to keep us alive, not happy, so the more you try to push away your fear, the stronger it will become.The trick, then, is recognizing and accepting our fear. But…how?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.The Four T’s of SnakebitesGrowing up in Western Montana, part of being in the outdoors was preparing for encounters with wildlife such as grizzly bears, mountain lions, and snakes. As a camp counselor, I took classes in wilderness first aid, where I asked many questions about snake bites, being VERY SCARED of stepping on a rattler enroute to the bath house in the middle of the night.The instructor laughed at my questions. “You want to know what to watch out for so you don’t get bit by a snake? Let me tell you.” He pivoted towards the white board and wrote:“AVOID:* trailer parks* tank tops* testosterone* tequila”His assessment was rather classist (#notalltrailerparks) but the point was that most people who get bit by snakes are those who deliberately mess with snakes. Their innate fear had been lessened by peer pressure and/or alcohol. The results were predictable.Fear is a powerful emotion that exists deep in the most primitive part of our brains. It’s the same part of your brain that makes you jerk your hand away from a hot stove. The response is designed to be quick, bypassing the logical, slow part of our brain. The truth is: we need fear. Tigers vs. TrumpBut what if the thing you fear isn’t a wild animal hidden in the grass, but something slow, vague, and chronic, like the erosion of our democracy by a wannabe dictator? You can’t physically jump away from fear like that. Such modern-day fears can be overwhelming and leave you feeling powerless, which is, honestly, the goal of Trump’s whole “flood the zone” strategy.In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski take this kind of chronic stress and break down what our bodies need to recover from it. They point out that our bodies don’t know the difference between a tiger hiding in the grass and your boss yelling at you. In either scenario, our “stress cycle” is activated and we need to complete it by doing things like:* moving our bodies* venting to a loved one* restoring a sense of physical safetyFear Isn’t a VirtueDuring the pandemic, I spent a lot of time talking through my fears with my EMDR therapist. It felt like our country was on the brink and I had no faith in the Trump administration to adequately deal with the many problems we were facing.My therapist pushed back, “How is this affecting your life?” Every time I brought up death rates or product shortages or civil unrest, she asked me to refocus on myself. And I had to admit, my family were healthy, I had what I needed, my neighborhood was safe. Sure, it was a pain in the ass that my kids weren’t in school, but all in all, we were very lucky.Sometimes Liberals fall into the trap of thinking that fear is virtuous. “If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention,” is a common refrain. But caring about a problem and letting it dominate your emotional life are two very different things. It’s a privileged take to say that I can choose to tap in and out of problems that others are facing chronically, but it’s also a means of survival. We are not useful allies if we are overwhelmed and unable to handle ourselves. The bottom line is: everyone needs safety and rest.Lightning Round!So, we need to identify and accept fear. We need to calm our bodies. We need to let ourselves recognize safety. But what if we can’t stop ruminating? Here’s a grab bag of other tricks I’ve learned to let go of fear.* Stick with statistics. What are the odds of that thing you’re fearing actually happening? Whenever parents in my neighborhood start freaking out about imaginary child abductions, I remind them that, statistically, the odds of your child being kidnapped by a stranger is about 1 in 1,000,000. Your child is more likely to become president, so maybe focus on preparing them for that.* Look for “thinking traps.” This one comes courtesy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Check your fear for one of the following misbeliefs:* Label intrusive thoughts. When you’re driving, do you ever have the sudden fear that an oncoming car is going to swerve into your lane? Congratulations, that’s an intrusive thought, which is a fun feature of some anxiety disorders! When I envision a grim scenario like this, I’ve learned to just say “that’s an intrusive thought, not reality,” and then let it go.* Remember that, to your body, fear and excitement are the same. This is an especially good strategy for stage fright. When I used to get scared before a storytelling show, I’d remind myself that the adrenaline flooding my system was helping time feel slower and sharpening my senses, which would aid my performance.* Personify your fear. Just like in Inside Out! Thank it for keeping you safe, but ask it to step back for now.* Make a “God Jar” for things you can’t control. Whenever you’re anxious about some outcome you can’t control, write it on a slip of paper and put it in a container. Once it’s in the container, you’re not allowed to worry about it anymore. (And no, you don’t have to use the G-word if that’s triggering.) Read through the slips once or twice a year and marvel at all the things you used to worry about that don’t actually matter to you anymore!Have you ever used one of these tricks to deal with fear? How did it go? Are there are other tricks we should know about? As always, I love to hear from you in the comments, via DM, or email!Did you find this post helpful? Help others find it by clicking the “heart” button and/or sharing it with a friend.BONUS MATERIALS:* this 2-minute explainer on the stress cycle* JUST WATCH THIS, YOU’LL THANK MEHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Early in my blogging career, I pitched my first-ever interview. I wanted to ask a local butcher about ethical meat buying. In emails, he seemed eager for the exposure. I don’t know if he checked out my itty-bitty blog before agreeing, what I do know is that I walked in with my notebook, recorder, and my toddler son in a stroller, the butcher took one look at us and doubled over laughing.I’m not exaggerating—he laughed at me for an uncomfortably long time. Long enough for my patient smile to fall off my face. Long enough for a thousand doubts to swirl through my mind: who was I to call myself a writer when I couldn’t even afford a babysitter? I was a fraud and a failure and just a mom. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.In that moment, all I wanted was to turn around and wheel my stroller back out the door.Being laughed at is, I believe, a universal fear that drives many of our decisions. It’s why public speaking is so scary and why picking out new clothes or a haircut can feel dire. Deeper than that, fear of being laughed at is the reason many of us avoid pursuing things we’re passionate about. We don’t want to look like idiots or weirdos. We don’t want to be gossiped about or excluded from the group.You want to do…what?Getting laughed at during my first professional interview was what came to mind as I watched the documentary Maintenance Artist at Seattle International Film Festival this past weekend. The film explores the career of Mierle Laderman Ukeles, a visual artist who, upon entering motherhood, pivoted from sculpture to developing the idea of “maintenance art”—reframing acts like cleaning and care work as art.The documentary traces Ukeles’ evolution from invisible housewife to the creation of her Manifesto for Maintenance Art, which ties in the personal, professional, and environmental importance of maintenance.In documenting these overlooked forms of work, Ukeles elevates them to something worthy of notice and praise. In order to make these artworks, Ukeles had to risk being laughed out of the New York art scene. As you can see in the clip above, at first, many of her collaborators did not take her seriously. She had to be the first believer in her own work.What would you do if you were not afraid to fail? It’s cliche to ask, but how many of us hold ourselves back out of fear?The Stoics, as always, have a bit of advice here. They break the world into two categories: things you can control and things you can’t. And they squarely locate “reputation” in the category of things outside one’s control. When this fear arises, they advise refocusing on something you can control, like your own actions. In the immortal words of Marcus Aurelius: haters gonna hate.That day in the butcher’s shop, I fended off the urge to flee. Instead, I calmly waited for my interview subject to get ahold of himself. Finally, he stopped laughing. Then we went into his office and I conducted the interview. My son was quietly absorbed in his toy and did not disrupt the interview, as I knew he wouldn’t. At home, I wrote up my article and shared the link with the butcher, who thanked me profusely. He never broached his awkward laughter, but I hoped as he bragged about the interview on his social media, he learned his lesson.Here’s the thing with trying something new: you never know where it will lead. I couldn’t have known that that first, embarrassing interview would eventually lead to me writing articles for local and national publications, or to a career as an author. It’s terrifying to stick your neck out. People might laugh at you, they might ask, “Who the hell does she think she is?” But here’s what I know: you can survive it. And the more you’re able to overcome the low opinions of others, the more your confidence will grow, until the idea of being laughed at isn’t so scary anymore. Is there anything that fear is holding you back from doing? What would it look like if you failed? What about if you succeeded? Imagine you’re 90 years old, would you regret trying or not trying more?BONUS MATERIALS:* in case you want to geek out more about Ukeles. (She’s also discussed in Angela Garbes’ excellent Essential Labor)* this glorious anthem of losers who try hard! Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Here’s the thing no one warns you about healing: once you stop numbing all your feelings and start facing yourself, you’ll be confronted with a lot of ugliness. You think you’re a nice person? Look, here are all your petty resentments! Pretty sure you’re capable? Here are all your failures and shortcomings! Think you’re rational? Behold your bizarre late-night fears!I speak from personal experience. As I’ve worked towards mindfulness, I’ve noticed how much fear dominates my thinking.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Here’s a shortlist of things that scare me: murderers, climate change, whether my kids will have economic opportunities, Manfluencers, military drones, my husband getting hit by a car while he’s cycling, AI replacing jobs, AI replacing MY job, school shootings, scary noises in the middle of the night, professional failure, war, raising sons who grow up to be Manfluencers, getting diabetes, raccoons, losing my kids on public transit, the US becoming a theocracy, my parents dying, losing the right to vote, my neighbors being harassed and/or deported, things never getting better.And, yeah, I probably shouldn’t be surprised; during my tenure in therapy, I received a litany of fear-related diagnoses: everything from post-partum anxiety to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, though those were before my eventual C-PTSD diagnosis, which made more sense of things.In the last 20 years, I’ve worked hard to tamp down my anxiety. So when mindfulness dredges up even more fear it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I just thought I was better, ya know?It’s so hard to know what a normal level of fear is. If I feel safe walking home by myself at night and my neighbor doesn’t, am I foolish or is she paranoid? But I know it’s not just me. We live in an age of fear: if it’s not our sensationalized media ecosystem (everything from TV news to social media), it’s rampant consumerism that says buying more stuff is the only thing that can save us. And even if you manage to dodge all that, there’s our whole government chaos operation run by Fearmonger in Chief, Donald Trump. Is Iran about to nuke us? Are our streets being overrun by violent gang members? Every week there is some new threat which only Trump can save us from.All this is for a purpose: fear is the ultimate tool for manipulation. As the historian Anne Applebaum shows, authoritarians (and wannabes) try to consolidate power by creating a culture of fear. Just like those Fox News commercials selling gold bars and emergency disaster kits, Trump sells us vague doom that only he can rescue us from.How do we opt out? How can we notice when we are being manipulated and resist it? I want to be a reasonable person unswayed by fearful rhetoric, but it’s easier said than done. It’s embarrassing to admit how much of my inner monologue is fear. Nobody wants to be a scaredy-cat. So, this month, I want to look at fear. Here are some questions I have:* is it possible to be less afraid? How?* how do we carry on living in what feels like a constant state of emergency?* do Exvangelicals experience more fear post-faith deconstruction?* how do we sort out appropriate vs. inappropriate fear?* why does fear feel so bad?* can we make friends with our fear?* how do we avoid being paralyzed by fear?Are you, too, a scaredy-cat? What tips, tricks, or recommendations do you have for handling fear? As always, I love to hear from you in the comments or via email or DM.BONUS MATERIALS:* this overview of Anne Applebaum’s Psychology of Totalitarian Control is a great starting point* my brain every time someone says “face your fears”Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

“There are no unsacred places. There are only sacred places and desecrated places.”-Wendell BerryA few years ago, I was hanging out with a friend who’s an Episcopal priest, when the topic of wedding music came up. I told her that I’d walked down the aisle to The Beatles’ “And I Love Her,” played by my brother, Karl, on acoustic guitar.My friend explained that, in the Episcopal church, “only sacred music is allowed,” so no Beatles for weddings.I wondered if she was right. Ought I have marched down the aisle to Bach or Vivaldi? Indeed, the switch from organ prelude to my brother’s acoustic and his off-key singing was a bit jarring!Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Still, her response rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was because I’d ingested enough bad Christian art (Christian contemporary music, Kirk Cameron movies, THOMAS KINCADE) to last me a lifetime. The problem with this sort of Christian “art” is that the artists feel the need to clobber the viewers over the head with The Message. There’s no nuance, no subtlety, and certainly nothing that could offend the delicate sensibilities of the largely Evangelical audience. (You’ll never hear someone swear in a Christian movie, for instance.)Thomas Kincade aside, this division between sacred and nonsacred art offends me as an artist. The point of art (be it visual art, film, literature, music or the humble Substack) is to reveal capital-T Truth. In my opinion, the primary measure of artistic success is how effectively Truth is revealed, if at all. The idea that art has to be explicitly about God or Jesus for it to be sacred strikes me as absurd. Why should the church (or anyone, really) gatekeep what others find transcendent? This argument about The Beatles is what came to mind when I read the above Wendell Berry quote last week. Whereas I was raised to believe that certain places, times, and things were holy (i.e. the sanctuary, communion wine, etc.) Berry challenges us to find holiness in the ordinary places and things around us, something echoed in the work of Father Richard Rohr, who writes:“Over time, we move beyond a dualistic view of God being ‘up there’ while we are ‘down here’ to a vision where God is up there, down here, in others, and within ourselves, all at the same time…In taking this view, we start to see that all things are sacred, including the masks we wear, the shadows we seek to hide, the wounds we carry, and the parts of ourselves we consider profane. Every thing is sacred.”The truth is, sometimes I get wrapped up in my own cosmic significance. I want to save the world and create great art and be capital-I Important. But mostly my life is not these things. Mostly I am washing dishes and making meals and chaperoning field trips. It’s not prestigious or even paid, not seen as having much purpose in the grand scheme of things.Can I find sacredness in such work?Thinking back to Karl’s performance on my wedding day, it was so many things: jarring, off-key, sincere, lovely. I remember standing in the narthex, vibrating with nerves because Holy shit I am 22 years old and going to promise to do WHAT for the REST OF MY LIFE?!?!?!? I was totally spiraling. And then my brother’s voice crackled over the PA system. And it was so goofy and sweet and I remembered who and where I was and who was around me and what I was doing. I took a deep breath, my dad squeezed my hand, and the church doors opened.In that moment, my brother and The Beatles grounded me. And that’s sacred, too.The more I explore my spiritual practice, the more I see that the challenge is not in finding right answers, in parsing this or that doctrine, the challenge is in unlearning the artificial divisions created by labels and striving to see God in all people, places, and things. Even The Beatles, even bad singing. Even myself.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Several years ago, I was moderating a local online parenting group when a post made me do a double take. It wasn’t any of the usual controversies about sleep training or “rehoming” dogs. Instead, it was an ouroboros of antiracism, which became, incidentally, kinda racist? I’m paraphrasing, but this was the gist:“I need advice on hiring a nanny. My partner and I are white moms committed to antiracism. We don’t have many people of color in our lives, except for a housecleaner who comes weekly. We don’t want our kids to grow up seeing people of color primarily in subservient roles to white people, so we are thinking we should hire a white nanny. However, we are unsure how to explain this in a job listing. Any advice?”Hoo boy. Where to even begin? I stared at my computer, dumbfounded, for a few moments. I was sympathetic to this anxious white mom who wanted to get antiracism “right,” but felt pretty surprised by where her conclusions led.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.While I debated what to say, other commenters were quick to point out that posting a “whites only” job listing was not only immoral but actually illegal. Things got heated, as internet comment sections often do. Eventually, I decided to shut down commenting while sharing a link about state laws against employment discrimination.But long after the comment frenzy, I found myself wondering about this poster. At the time, I was working with an organization teaching parents and teachers about antiracism and I’d seen many other instances of well-meaning white people blundering into racial faux pas. What most of these instances had in common was a failure of empathy: white people thought of what they could do to or for people of color but did not stop to ask what those people of color actually wanted. I wondered if the poster could’ve imagined a person of color reading her theoretical job listing, would she have understood the problem?It wasn’t just well-meaning blunderers that left me worried. Worse were those who were frog marched to mandatory antiracist training. These folks tended to spend the entire workshop sitting there with their arms crossed, rolling their eyes. They left me wondering whether company-mandated training might actually make workplace racism worse? After all, you can’t force someone into empathy.The problem is that, for some, antiracism has come to mean a series of rules against microaggressions. But rules can’t get us where we need to go. In some of the schools where I led workshops, I’d hear stories of white teachers who, afraid of over-disciplining Black students, didn’t discipline them at all, instead relying on their Black colleagues to do it. (Yikes!)In situations like this, we see how easily rules can become tools of shame or manipulation. Don’t get me wrong, rules can guide us in the beginning, but our goal should not be perfect adherence but rather building relationships. And in all relationships there will be mistakes. What matters is how we repair. It’s not just in neurotic lefty circles that we see this sort of legalism, of course. Earlier this month, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed a law mandating the display of the Ten Commandments in public schools. This follows similar laws proposed in Texas, Tennessee, and Arkansas. (And let’s not forget Alabama supreme court chief justice Roy Moore, who campaigned to be “The Ten Commandments Judge” while also allegedly committing tax fraud and being sexually inappropriate with teenaged girls.)For many Christians, the Ten Commandments have become an idol, a litmus test for who is good and worthy of respect. Rules-based morality often deteriorates into self-righteousness and exclusion of the “unworthy.” That’s because this sort of morality is focused on controlling a person’s outward behavior rather than producing inner change. What we all need is to become people who are more loving towards others and ourselves, but that’s a long and arduous process, (probably involving therapy!)It’s much easier to point to something outward like, “We don’t have premarital sex; therefore, we are good people.” And is it any coincidence that people who are spiritually immature and worried about appearing well-behaved are much easier to control?Spiritual maturity also requires role models and mentorship, which are often in short supply. Our churches are filled with elderly people, but how many of them are actually spiritually mature?Growing into wisdom is a tall order. We have to be able to let go of simplistic, rules-based thinking and wrestle honestly with difficult moral questions. Stories, art, and therapy can help lead the way, as can healthy relationships.How about you? Do you ever find yourself clinging to certain rules? What (or who?) helps you figure out the right thing to do in tricky situations? Who in your life displays wisdom?As always, I love to hear your thoughts, gripes, and recommendations in the comments or via email.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

How do you feel about these “secular saints” candles? Are they a funny joke? A cringe Millennial trend? The desperate grasping of a culture that has lost its way?I’ll admit, I’ve owned a few of these (Harriet Tubman, RBG.) My husband received a Jeff Bezos one as a gag gift that I keep threatening to smash. This is one of the problems with living heroes—they keep revealing problematic behavior. It’s why every Tesla bumper in Seattle now looks like this:Maybe this is why Roman Catholics require at least 5 years pass before canonization can begin, time for all the skeletons to emerge from a potential saint’s closet.And yet, the recent revelations about labor organizer Cesar Chavez have shown that it can take a long time (33 years in this case) for the dark truth about a “hero” to come out. For years we’ve been having a conversation about how to deal with heroes who have done monstrous things. Is it still okay to listen to Michael Jackson? Watch Roman Polanski movies? Ought we still have statues of great American statesmen who also enslaved African Americans or slaughtered Indigenous Peoples?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Many conservatives seem intent to put their fingers in their ears and stress that it was a different time, that Thomas Jefferson, for instance, couldn’t possibly have known that it was wrong to father children with his teenaged slave, Sally Hemings, then enslave those children until their early adulthood.(To be sure, many white American men at that time had no problems with this arrangement, which was common enough to have the moniker “shadow family.” Nevertheless, abolition has always been part of American political thought. The truth is always out there, if you know who to listen to.) On the other hand, liberals have been anxious to be seen tearing down our national mythology without anything to replace them with. Remember when the San Francisco Board of Education spent the pandemic debating school names instead of, you know, focusing on reopening schools?It’s important to be able to grapple honestly with our history and culture. At the same time, I wonder: what does it mean to be American without The American Dream? Without glazing George Washington and his ilk? Where are the stories that a multicultural, multiracial, religiously plural society can unite around? The more polarized we become, the harder it is to find common ground.It seems to me there’s a hunger for mythology and heroes, whether it’s the eight billion movies in The Avengers franchise or the enduring popularity of Greek mythology. And I do think we need common stories. Whereas lectures and laws dictate, stories invite us in. They have a way of sneaking past our defenses and engaging us at an emotional level—we empathize with the characters and find ourselves weighing moral questions we would never otherwise consider.Stories are also not black-and-white. As any English teacher worth their salt would tell you, stories ask us to bring our lived experience and external knowledge to our interpretations. In discussing stories together, we learn to question our preconceived notions and see through others’ eyes.I mean, it’s no coincidence that beloved religious teachers like Jesus, Buddha, and Muhammad taught in parables and analogies. But the problem with idolizing living folks is the “man in the hole” problem. I believe it was Kurt Vonnegut who said there are basically two story structures: man falls into a hole, and man climbs out of a hole. In either case, you need a change in status—the lowly are elevated, the lofty are brought low. Maybe human beings simply aren’t fit for life on the pedestal. If Martin Luther is right, we are each sinners and each saints. This duality, or “and-ness” as I like to call it, can’t be ignored for long. Saints will disappoint and sinners will surprise. Maybe we need gods and mythologies. At any rate, if the Left is going to win the culture war against Christian Nationalism, we need a grander illustration of moral imagination. What do you think? Do we have common stories/heroes anymore? Who would be on your personal Mount Rushmore of great Americans?As always, I love to hear your thoughts, ramblings, pushback, and recommendations in the comments or via email/DM.Thanks for reading Heretic Hereafter! If you enjoyed this post, why not share it? This helps others find the Substack.BONUS MATERIALS:* Ugh the Cesar Chavez revelations…still, this article provides some interesting context* ICYMI, this podcast is a reliable hit with the kiddosHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

It’s Holy Week for many of the world’s 2.6 billion Christians (for Eastern Orthodox, it’s next week.) Easter marks the most important holiday in the Christian calendar—the date of Jesus’ alleged resurrection. But what if you don’t believe? Or if you have major questions about it? Does Easter still matter? Can this holiday still be meaningful if you’re not sure about the whole bodily resurrection thing?Fifteen years ago, I would’ve said, absolutely not. If you don’t believe in the resurrection, there’s no point and you’re not in the club!!!For those of us who were raised to read the Bible literally, questioning the resurrection is dangerous territory. In these traditions, miracles are proof of God’s existence, the very cornerstone of faith—if you don’t believe in them, everything else falls apart. In this black-and-white worldview, any speck of doubt can put you on the path to Hell.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.I spent years trying to convince myself to believe Bible stories were factually true, even as scientific evidence and my own lived experience contradicted this interpretation. I was the red-faced teen who tried to argue her high school biology teacher out of teaching evolution. Luckily, I lost. During this era, I felt constantly at war with myself. How could I silence my doubts while still living in integrity? Answer: I couldn’t. It was a losing battle. And so I went to the opposite extreme: scientific materialism. My family quit church. I stopped believe in God or anything else that couldn’t be historically or scientifically verified.But that didn’t satisfy me either. Science is a wonderful tool, but it doesn’t provide a moral framework or answer big life questions about meaning and purpose. I had torn down my old belief structure that was no longer serving me, but I didn’t have anything to replace it with.The 3+ years of this Substack has been me finding my way to something new—a new way to think about ethics and morality (and how to teach those things to my kids) and to feed the spiritual hunger that’s always been a part of me. And one of the conclusions I’ve been circling is this: belief is not the most important thing. It might not even be top 10! Basing an entire theory of salvation on belief seems hopeless, because beliefs fluctuate. They evolve. Any system that encourages people to stay frozen at the moment of conversion is, frankly, ridiculous.Imagine, for example, a marriage where the wedding ceremony was the most important part. Every day that you loved your spouse as much as you did on your wedding day counted as success. But every time you fought with them or checked out a stranger at the gym or envied a single friend meant failure. People under this situation would likely grit their teeth and try to avoid changing (which is impossible) or just give up and get divorced.In marriage, we recognize that feelings fluctuate. Staying married is arguably more about what you do than what you feel or believe at a given moment. You honor your promises, sometimes joyfully and sometimes sulkily. The point is: you show up. I think the church (and, TBH, society as a whole) would be a lot healthier if we stopped prioritizing litmus tests and instead focused on showing up. Sure, you might say, showing up is important, but what about the resurrection? Isn’t belief in the resurrection kind of a dealbreaker for being a Christian?Eh, I don’t think so? And I’d argue there’s good evidence on my side. In her latest book, Miracles and Wonder, religion scholar Elaine Pagels argues that the authors of the gospel, the apostle Paul, and many of the early church patriarchs disagreed on what actually happened at the resurrection and what it all meant. Pagels reminds us that the gospels were constructed with the intent to persuade particular audiences, as well as to refute disparaging remarks that were circulating about Jesus in the years after his death.In the hands of these gospel writers, the most shameful marks against Jesus (his out-of-wedlock birth and his execution by the Roman government) were transformed into holy and miraculous stories that highlighted his divinity.Keen readers will recognize that this theme of reversal is present in many beats of the gospel stories: the formula is typically “Society/religion/the government values ___, but what’s really valuable is the opposite.” The story of Jesus is, again and again, about the foolishness of those in authority and the wisdom of the poor and marginalized.Pagels offers up plausible alternate theories about Jesus’ birth and death, but never rules out the miraculous, telling us that’s not her lane as a historian. And I like that approach. I think it’s okay to say we don’t know how these events unfolded. Even if we don’t believe they literally happened, we can appreciate the value these stories have held for people throughout history and for us, today.And I get it: your mileage may vary. Some of you never got into Christianity; maybe other stories speak to you more. For those sorting through heavy religious trauma, maybe you opt out of Easter. (Too gory!) That’s okay, too. Personally, I’m enjoying finding new ways of looking at these old, tired stories. Maybe that’s because they’re what I was raised on. Or maybe I just find Jesus to be a compelling ideal. At any rate, this month, I want to look at stories as spiritual tools. Here are some questions I have:* do stories express our values better than laws and rules?* does the Left need better stories? Do we lack moral imagination?* why do we keep building up heroes only to tear them down?* what role do stories play uniting people from different cultures and religions?* what stories (religious or not) hold special meaning for you? What do you think? As always, I love to hear your thoughts, complaints, questions, and recommendations in the comments or via email.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.BONUS MATERIALS:* I’m really enjoying the daily meditations from The Center for Action and Contemplation (of Richard Rohr and Brian McLaren fame) * as I’m gearing up for spring break with my teens, this song is my mantra Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

It’s been 35 days since I logged onto social media. Apart from some minor boredom, it hasn’t been that bad. During my time away, I’ve delved into research on how the socials work and spent time reevaluating my own relationship to them. Here are some lessons I’ve learned and how I’m going to change my behavior going forward.Social media really is that bad. Virtually all the platforms I researched are designed for subscriber growth and profit over any sort of responsibility. Twitter/X is a cesspool of revenge porn and death threats. Instagram has been found legally liable in one case of teenaged suicide and accused in countless others. Facebook has been implicated in genocide in Myanmar and political violence in countries such as the Philippines and Ethiopia, to say nothing of its role in American political violence. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.We’ve had whistleblower after whistleblower come forward to show that these sites prioritize user engagement over basic health and safety concerns and have a devil-may-care attitude towards election interference. As Sarah Wynn-Williams amply illustrated in Careless People, the people who run these platforms simply do not care. This is wrong. The greater one’s power, the greater one’s responsibility. These companies (and the people who lead them) need to be held accountable for their reckless pursuit of profits over the safety of their fellow human beings.I’m no longer a huge Bible quoter, but I can’t think of a more apt description for these folks than Matthew 6:24: “No one can serve two masters...You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.”Even overlooking the most extreme cases, these platforms are built on an amoral foundation which encourages polarization and vitriol over relationship building and lets people anonymously bully each other with zero accountability. All that being said, I think there’s a strong moral case to be made for disengaging from social media as much as one can. But I’ve also been thinking about Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s argument against moral purity, which Hanna Reichel summarizes in her great devotional book, For Such a Time is This:“…when [authority] is rotten, personal integrity is also endangered. In his posthumously published Ethics, Bonhoeffer even denounces the desire to preserve one’s moral purity as a temptation. The only way to stay innocent, he muses, would be to have no part of history.”Is leaving a platform akin to dropping out of a conversation we may have a positive influence on? By logging off, do we abdicate these platforms to the trolls and neo-Nazis? I, along with many other Liberals, quit Twitter/X after Elon Musk’s takeover, but our boycott barely registered. So I question whether simply deleting one’s account is the moral slam dunk it seems like.Furthermore, as a person whose vocation is bound up in finding readers, quitting social media doesn’t feel like a realistic option. These platforms are incredibly flawed and skewed away from content like mine, but they are still discovery engines for creatives like me.So, I plan on reengaging with social media once Lent is over. But I have come up with some new guidelines for myself and my kids around social media/screen time. NEW RULES FOR MYSELF:* Scroll mindfully. Before you open the app, name the reason you’re logging on and how you’re feeling at the moment. (Doing it aloud is a great trick for accountability!) Log on to complete a work-related post, then log off.What I noticed most about the absence of social media this month was that I was longing for connection. The problem is, social media doesn’t provide the type of deep connection we need. Which brings me to my next rule:* Opt for High-Context Communication. If I want to talk to someone, the best option is face-to-face. A phone call is next best; texting is a distant third. Recognize that social media creates parasocial relationships not real relationships. It can be a tool for keeping in touch with friends you’ve made IRL, but it’s not a good way to “meet” people. As a busy mom, one app I like for keeping in touch is Marco Polo, which lets you send video messages to friends to watch and respond to at their convenience. * Resist Addiction. Recognize that social media was designed to be addictive. Turn off notifications. Log on for a purpose and severely limit time spent on social media using timers and apps (I like Minimalist Phone.) If you find yourself regularly going over your allotted time limit, make a contract with yourself such as, “If I go over ___ minutes, I will log off for __ days.” * No Phubbing. (aka “phone snubbing.”) If you’re lucky enough to be face-to-face with someone, put your phone away. Introduce phone-free zones in your home (such as the table) and times (such as meals.)* Big Screens > Little Screens. Choose communal screentime over individual. The same goes for sharing a Bluetooth speaker rather than everyone retreating to their own set of headphones. Do I love my kids’ meme songs and James Bond marathons? Not exactly! But I also know that when we share media, we’re getting the opportunity to both broaden our tastes and connect on a deeper level.* Support Politicians Who Hold Big Tech Accountable. The good news is that some politicians are FINALLY waking up to the threat of unregulated social media, particularly where it relates to kids. Keep an eye out for news about the Kids Internet and Digital Safety (KIDS) Act. This podcast discusses some current regulation attempts. RULES FOR MY KIDS:* This is Our Phone, Not Yours. My spouse and I gave our kids an old smart phone because we don’t have a LAN line and we wanted them to be able to reach us in an emergency, such as when I’m running errands and my son texts, “MOM WHERE IS THE CREM CHEESE?”But when we gave it to them we said, this is our phone which we let you use. That means we have the right to review their activity, block apps, or take the phone away as we see fit. They’re allowed to use it for specific purposes at specific times. The fact that there is 1 phone and 2 of them also helps limit individual screen time.* The Smart Phone Stays Home. My eldest might be the only kid in middle school who doesn’t take a phone or smartwatch to school. Has he gotten lost riding the city bus home? Yes, many times! But he’s always figured it out (just like we did as teens) and his dad and I feel great that he’s not being distracted at school or while hanging out with friends. Plus, he reads actual books on his commute! * No Social Media Under 16. We know that social media is addictive, and we don’t give addictive substances to kids. Jonathan Haidt recommends this specific age limit; or to paraphrase the very wise Lisa Damour, PhD, “Is your child old enough to be trusted at a high school party?” If not, then they’re not ready for social media. Our specific rule is that messaging with individuals or groups of IRL friends is fine, but broadcasting their lives to the world via social media is not an age-appropriate activity.That’s the plan! Time will tell how well I can implement new routines and stick to my guns, but I’m hoping that reminding myself the bald facts about these platforms will strengthen my resolve.What do you think of my rules? Is there anything I missed? Anything you think is completely unrealistic? Are you using any cool tricks or apps to limit your screen time? As always, I love to hear your thoughts, ramblings, and rants in the comments or via email.BONUS MATERIALS:* have you ever fantasized about becoming an influencer? This memoir was a fascinating look at what it’s really like* I cannot recommend this BBC podcast highly enoughHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

This quote comes from red pill influencer, Harrison Sullivan, in Louis Theroux’s latest documentary, Inside the Manosphere. Theroux was prodding Sullivan about the influence he wields over young boys. As an audience, we’d just witnessed Sullivan and his crew catfish and then physically assault a gay man who thought Sullivan had asked him on a date.In the aftermath of this unprovoked attack, Sullivan seems momentarily shaken. He’d been live with his viewers, who’d been encouraging the group towards violence, but Sullivan seems shocked at what actually transpired. Wary of further legal troubles (he had already fled a warrant in the UK for reckless driving and fleeing the scene of accident) he quickly deletes the video.The quote struck me as a rare moment of honesty. Harrison is admitting that he sees how social media works and has decided to ride that train to money and fame at the cost of his integrity. If the choice was between being a good person and being a successful influencer, he chose the latter.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.The manosphere has been a concern and fascination for me in the last few years. As a feminist raising tween and teen sons, I worry about the messages they’re exposed to online. I’ve seen the YouTube algorithm lead my 13-year-old, A, from videos on proper pull-up form to a stream of rise-and-grind fitness influencers who promote six-hour-plus “morning routines” and tout body transformations that are impossible absent heavy steroid use. And I worry that darker corners await.A and I watched the Netflix doc together; as much as it pissed me off, it provided good discussion fodder. From our talks I’ve gathered that the manosphere’s appeal for young boys is:* they provide a clear roadmap to becoming “a man” in a confusing landscape of quickly changing social mores around gender. (Adolescents are in the process of figuring out their identities, so they’re particularly receptive to these sorts of messages)* they promote agency in a culture that’s increasingly bent towards passive consumption/entertainment* they’re selling a so-called “proven” path towards power (abs, crypto) to a group who often feels disempoweredAs we talked, I tried to affirm A’s feelings and desires. It’s normal to crave clarity in a confusing world and it’s great to tap into your own agency and make positive changes in your life. We want young men to have healthy self-esteem and work towards building competence and independence.The problem is that while these influencers start with a kernel of truth, they serve it up alongside a pile of BS, conspiracy theories, and hate.Like most kids his age, A is puzzling out his identity: what does he like and not like, what labels will he accept or reject? At his school, there are clubs and affinity groups for Black boys, for girls, and for LGBT youth. As a straight white boy, A sometimes complains about being left out. I believe these affinity groups have value, but I also empathize with A: where is the safe space for guys like him?Into this vacuum comes the manosphere. On one hand, they promise that boys can take charge of their lives, and on the other they’re hawking the same passive consumption that all influencers do. It’s never just “work out and feel good about yourself” it’s “buy my supplements” and “invest on my day trading app” and “pay for my monthly program.”Worse still, these manfluencers don’t just promote pride in one’s masculinity, they actively promote beliefs that dehumanize women, LGBT people, and Jewish people. Their view of masculinity has zero intersection with any recognizable form of morality. And the funny thing was, when Theroux confronted these men with their own horrific quotes, they grew defensive but lacked any coherent argument to back up what their claims. It made me suspect that either a.) they’re mindlessly repeating this stuff or b.) that they didn’t really believe these things, they’re just doing it for the clicks.Where previous visions of masculinity said things like “a man is only as good as his word,” these men’s words have no weight at all, that is, except to the millions of boys who are listening. Their bald hypocrisy also reveals the rot at the heart of social media. When most platforms (such as Facebook) began, they relied on chronological feeds. In those early days, I remember regularly hitting the end of my Facebook newsfeed because I’d read all my friends’ updates.But in the 2010s, platforms began to move from chronological feeds to algorithmic ones. Engagement drove popularity, rather than recency or your relationship to the poster. And the most engaging content? Rage bait and controversy, of course!These algorithms prioritize lies over facts and bad actors over common decency. Behavior that would get a person kicked out of any halfway functional community club is rewarded on these platforms, often handsomely.And that’s not to mention the algorithms’ polarizing effects on our democracy, our journalistic ecosystem, and our interpersonal relationships. Is it possible to interact with a such a skewed system morally? I honestly don’t know. What do you think? What justifications or limits do you place on your social media use for moral reasons? I’d love to hear from you via the comments or email.BONUS MATERIALS:* this BBC podcast is a good explainer on why the internet is like it is* I liked this simple timeline on social media algorithms* want the dirt on Facebook? Here’s a horrifying but compelling readHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

What do you spend most of your day looking at? Listening to? Thinking about? If you’re like most Americans, the answer is probably a screen. In fact, the average American spends between 4-6 hours a day staring at their phone, and that’s not counting our laptops and TVs. I’m certainly not exempt. As mindful as I try to be, phone addiction continually creeps up on me. It’s a “quick scroll” before I get out of bed because I am soooooooo tired and isn’t blue light supposed to help wake you up? Then it’s a “short break” when I’m stuck on a writing project, followed by a little screentime during lunch or while I’m cooking dinner.But my biggest chunk of phone usage is afterschool. Despite all my aspirations to model screen sense to my kids, between when they arrive home from school and the time I need to start cooking dinner, I spend MANY minutes absently scrolling. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.What else am I meant to do? Any task I undertake is liable to be interrupted by random kid questions. And if I actively try to spend time with these surly tweens, they’ll generally make themselves scarce (that is, until I try to pick up another task.)This may be the height of Potted Plant Parenting, but this sort of unpredictable, ill-defined time is ripe for the siren song of my cellphone. And there are a million justifications: Facebook hosts many community groups. And aren’t authors encouraged to be constantly self-promoting on social media? Doesn’t sharing a funny Tiktok with my tween count as “bonding”? I’m just logging on to check on one quick thing and suddenly 40 minutes have gone by!The thing with addiction is that you turn to a substance or behavior for a reason, but addiction rarely delivers. Studies have shown that intermittent positive reinforcement is actually the most addictive form of reinforcement, and there’s good evidence that social media was designed with this in mind. In most cases, the anticipation of pleasure/relief is actually greater than what that item delivers. When I’m able to bring mindfulness to scrolling, what I find is that I’m turning to social media typically because I feel stressed, sad, or bored. What I want is to see a funny meme or short video that will cheer me up.But most of my feed is ads and influencers I’m not interested in. And even when I find a truly hilarious video, it doesn’t actually resolve my underlying emotional state. Don’t get me wrong, distraction is a necessary coping skill and probably an inevitable part of being human. Turns out, people who have their phones taken away still spend a lot of time being distracted.My own trauma work has shown me the value of alternating time spent sitting with difficult emotions (such as grief) and distracting oneself. As much as we might like to imagine ourselves as stoic little productivity robots who can stay on task, that’s just not realistic. But I do worry about what all that phone staring is replacing: actual conversation with the people that matter, engagement with the natural world, sustained attention to long-form writing and other more complex forms of art and design.The final straw came when I was attempting to double-screen a mediocre TV show and Instagram Reels. I realized I wasn’t actually watching either, because the once-photo-dominated Instagram was now just a second TV. When I thought about it, all of social media was just TV.Maybe this is obvious to you, but realizing this changed how I thought about my social media usage. I’ve never been one of those people who left the TV on all day. In fact, I typically don’t watch until I’ve finished my day, usually around 8pm. If I’m so stringent about TV, then why did I now need to have YouTube/Facebook/Tiktok/Instagram on while I was putting on makeup? Making lunch? Waiting for my kid to finish his chores? It felt less like a conscious choice I was making and more like addictive behavior.So when Lent rolled around, I decided to go cold turkey: no Tiktok, no Instagram, no Facebook. (I’d already quit Twitter/X several months ago.) For the month of March, I’m interested in examining social media and its ubiquity in modern life. Here are some questions I have:* What are we missing out on by seeking constant entertainment? Is hedonism the center of most people’s lives now?* How does addictive social media impact our relationships? * What about our creativity and ability to think through complex problems?And, as always, I’d love to hear from you, either in the comments or via email:* Do you double-screen? * What limits do you have for yourself on phone use?* If you’re a parent, do you have the same standards for technology use for yourself as for your kids? (If so, please tell me how!)Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Lately, the misdeeds of the wealthy feel inescapable. Whether it’s Trump’s blatant corruption and grifting (which has netted him $3 billion so far this term) or the Epstein Files, I can’t recall a period in my life where it has been clearer that the wealthy are not bound by the same laws and sense of morality as us mere mortals.One of the clearest distillations of this distinction can be found in The Haves and Have Yachts: Dispatches on the Ultrarich. In it, journalist Evan Osnos writes: “America’s record in recent years suggests that shamelessness might be a larger problem [than shame].” To support this claim, he examines in lavish detail the spending sprees and controversies of the ultrarich: everything from the cost of flying in an aging rapper to emcee your birthday to throwing an adult temper tantrum on a Monaco pier because your superyacht got a less-desirable berth. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Reading this book is an exercise in toggling between astonishment and rage; on the one hand, fantasizing about what that lifestyle must be like before snapping back to disgust that people could spend this selfishly while around the world children are starving and dying of preventable diseases. (Peter Singer WOULD NEVER.) As I have argued at countless Seattle cocktail parties, no human needs a billion dollars. A billion is a thousand million. It’s a number so large that it’s hard for us to comprehend.In the United States, we have 902 billionaires. Worldwide, there are 2,640. Depending on how stock valuations go, Elon Musk may become the world’s first trillionaire. That’s a thousand billions!Have these billionaires achieved such levels of wealth by generously compensating their employees? Absolutely not! While Bezos spent roughly $50 million on his second wedding, Amazon fulfillment workers lack air conditioning and bathroom breaks. Rob Walton spent $4.65 billion to buy the Denver Broncos while paying Wal-Mart employees poverty wages that push a large proportion of full-time workers onto government assistance.This is greed, pure and simple. It’s superyachts for me and food banks for thee! I can only guess that billionaires rely on a thick blanket of denial to get to sleep at night.So, is Osnos right? In our era of superrich exploitation, is shamelessness more of a problem than shame? Should we start MASS SHAMING BILLIONAIRES?Not so fast. As we looked at earlier this month, the urge to shame can come from different needs, like a lack of accountability. In the case of the Have-Yachts, the problem of “shamelessness” doesn’t mean that we necessarily want rich people to be publicly pilloried, but that we want them to develop a sense of morality and responsibility. I mean, even Spiderman knew that “with great power comes great responsibility,” but billionaires often act as if they don’t owe anyone anything. And they’re propped up by a trio of American cultural beliefs around wealth. We believe that the wealthy deserve their riches because:* They’re self-made. Read enough rich people biographies and you’ll notice a pattern. All of these wealthy folks actually came from humble beginnings! They’ve worked so hard to get here, and they’re not even really that rich, more like “middle class.” Again and again, they downplay the loans, gifts, and personal connections that got them where they are. * They’re smarter than us. Or so the story goes. For all the media doting on figures like Musk and Bezos and touting their intelligence, I’ve seen little evidence of it. Anyone who’s worked for their companies knows how much chaos and mismanagement goes on behind-the-scenes at their companies. And that’s not even taking into account things like Musk’s ketamine-fueled gibberish tweet storms. The truth is there are plenty of very intelligent people working construction or ringing up groceries at this very moment; intelligence is not a guarantee of economic success.* They “attracted” their fortune. Bro, do you even know how wealthy you could be if you had the right MINDSET? Oh, excuse me…GRINDSET? Even discounting the numerous influencers who peddle “mindset coaching” there are books like The Secret and The Alchemist. It’s like there’s a whole industry trying to convince people that they’re in complete control of how much money they earn. If you’re wealthy, it’s because you deserve it, same if you’re poor. For an especially devious twist on this belief, add in the Prosperity Gospel heresy (as exemplified by charlatans like Joel Osteen) that God “blesses” the best Christians with material wealth. This mythology was built to justify greed. If I alone am responsible for my wealth, I have no obligation to reinvest in the community that got me here. If we are all in complete control of our economic destinies, there is no need to worry about the poor, who should probably just work harder. These myths, (along with those like “rich people have good taste” and “people are rich because they're thrifty”) bring to mind another myth that was used to oppress the masses and prop up the elite: The Divine Right of Kings. Per Encyclopedia Brittanica:“[The] divine right of kings…asserted that kings derived their authority from God and could not therefore be held accountable for their actions by any earthly authority such as a parliament.”For hundreds of years, European monarchs were untouchable because, after all, they were put in power by God. Overthrowing a monarch was impossible…until it suddenly wasn’t. Enlightenment thinking, the Protestant Reformation, and royal misbehavior (hello Marie Antoinette) eventually led to monarchs ceding power to parliamentary democracy.Think about it: there are 902 billionaires in America and over 349,000,000 non-billionaires. 90% of Americans agree that we’re in a cost-of-living crisis. The only thing preventing us from reforming our laws and tax code is a government (run largely by wealthy people) who distract us with wedge issues.But before you think I’m over here sharpening my guillotine, I’ll say this: I don’t think we should use the threat of violence or public shaming to try and induce change, even in billionaires. I do think, however, it’s incumbent on us to call out greed and corruption when we see it, and to work together to draw lines around what is acceptable.What will these lines look like? For Dorothy Day of the Catholic Workers movement, it was owning multiple coats. (“If you have two coats, one of them belongs to the poor.”) For us, it might be “don’t own multiple homes during a housing crisis.” I have friends who refuse to own a car, which I admire even if, logistically, I can’t make that work right now. We may not always agree on the small details, but even trying to hash out a framework would help us move the goalposts back towards sanity.It feels like we must be reaching the apex of greed and kleptocracy. I only hope that as all this rot is finally surfaced, it will lead to a reckoning and actual reforms, both culturally and politically. What do you think? How many coats should one own? Should billionaires be publicly shamed? Have you ever fantasized about this? (Oh yeah, uh…me neither.) As always, I love to hear your thoughts, questions, and arguments in the comments.Thanks for reading Heretic Hereafter! This post is public so feel free to share it.BONUS MATERIALS:* Osnos’ yacht essay is a great read * Wanna hear a bunch of rich people talk about how they’re actually “middle class”? Check out this episode of “If Books Could Kill”* Did you know? Up to 50% of congress are millionaires (we don’t even know the exact number!)Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

We’ve been looking at shame this month. Is it always a bad thing? And what’s the difference between shame and accountability?In our polarized society, sometimes it feels like we have two choices: you can be a squishy liberal who loves everyone and passively tolerates everything, or you can be a merciless conservative who longs to inflict draconian punishments in an attempt to control the behavior of others.But the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I think love and accountability are two things that have to live in tension. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Two books are currently influencing my thinking on this topic: Calling In by Loretta Ross, and The Power of Parting by Eamon Dolan. Ross talks about the importance of relationship building and gentleness when confronting others (“calling in” vs. “calling out”) while Dolan stresses that we need not tolerate abusive behavior, even and especially from those closest to us.Both authors, I think, hold this tension: that we can love people and treat their mistakes with kindness while refusing to tolerate ongoing abuse. They insist on giving people chances to change, but not an infinite amount. We can have limits and compassion.What would this kind of compassionate accountability look like? An example (though an imperfect one) might be something that happened in my church as I was growing up. It’s an incident with a man I’ll call “Paul.” (I’ve changed names and identifying details in this story.)Paul had an advanced degree but worked in a public service capacity with vulnerable youth. Let’s say he was a lawyer who worked in the family court system with runaway teens. Paul was well-liked and served in several capacities in church leadership, including as a youth group leader when I was in high school. I regularly babysat Paul’s kids and he drove me home several times. I found Paul funny and charming. But sometimes our interactions had a weird vibe I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He was maybe a little overly familiar, treating us youth group kids more like peers than children. To be honest, part of me was thrilled: what teen doesn’t want to feel more grown up? But another part was wary.Then, one day, Paul wasn’t in youth group anymore. At first, all I knew was that he’d been asked to step down from leadership, but gradually it came out that he’d moved one of his teenaged clients into his family’s home and begun “having an affair” with her. (Viewing this scenario in 2026, I’m doubtful this relationship could be considered truly consensual, but at that time, the teen was seen as a willing participant.)Paul’s wife demanded that he end the relationship and that the teen move out, among other things. Paul refused. So, she took the problem to the board of elders. Two elders met with Paul and tried to get him to see the error of his ways, but Paul refused to end his relationship.Following this refusal, the board of elders called Paul into a larger meeting and again confronted him. When Paul wouldn’t back down, he was stripped of his church membership.Even though he was no longer at church, because we lived in a small town, I heard things about Paul. I knew Paul’s wife filed for divorce and ended up moving out of state with their kids. I knew he lost his job and his law license, but also that he eventually married his teenaged victim and that they were active in many other civic groups, including ones involving youth. Was this justice? Maybe? Partially? I think a few things went right here:* the church believed the victim, despite the perpetrator’s relatively higher status* the church supported the victim (or at least one of the victims—more on that below) * the church attempted to call Paul in before calling him out* the church acted to protect young people* likewise, professional organizations recognized his unacceptable behavior and blocked him from perpetrating further Then again, I can’t help but think his teenaged victim did not get the justice she deserved. She needed a legal advocate and instead was taken advantage of. They’re still together. As an outside observer, I can only speculate as to why criminal charges were never filed against Paul. Maybe the criminal justice system, itself, is a poor remedy, but without it, this “accountability” feels incomplete. I’m sure Paul’s wife and kids didn’t find this resolution satisfying, and I couldn’t help but think about how easily that poor girl could’ve been me or one of my friends.What we really want, in Paul’s case, would be repentance and repair. But we can’t make other people do the right thing. I’m hesitant to recommend excommunication as a means of accountability—I know it has been weaponized against women fleeing domestic violence and queer people simply for being who they are. Losing your community at a vulnerable time can be very traumatic. But in cases like Paul’s, where someone poses a threat to others and refuses to change, it can be necessary. The funny thing is, none of this “calling in” discourse is new. Jesus recommended a similar process in Matthew 18:15-17. But it hits differently in 2026, where much social interaction happens online rather than in real-life, local communities. Is such accountability even possible anymore? What do you think? Did Paul deserve exile? Prison time? What would real justice look like in this sort of scenario? Do you think excommunication is always a bad thing? As always, I love to hear your thoughts in the comments or via DM or email.BONUS MATERIALS:* here’s a great interview with Loretta Ross on The Integrated Schools Podcast * some of the best Olympics jokes of the week: Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

One of the many things that has struck me in recent weeks is the instances of Minneapolis protestors chanting, “Shame!” at ICE agents. It’s notable because many of these protestors are presumably Brené Brown-loving liberals who are, generally, not fans of shame. Where does this impulse come from? I’ve been chewing on the comments left by my amazing readers on last week’s post, and they’ve helped me realize that this impulse towards shame points to a broken system.One thing that a few deft readers pointed out is the difference between shame and accountability. Reader Stephanie Alter Jones put it this way:“…a lot of shamelessness among the powerful makes it seem like they "need" to be brought down in that way since they refuse to do it on their own. But rules-based social orders work better as accountability mechanisms for community behavior. I'd rather see rules or guidelines strengthened and followed rather than more public flogging.”And reader Christina added:“I do think consequences are more important than shame. I would much rather some of our shameless leaders be removed from power than for them to feel shame. Again, accountability but at the political rather than the personal level.”I think, in my defense of “healthy shame” what I was actually looking for was accountability. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.When accountability is in short supply (as with ICE agents breaking the law with impunity) people fall back on shame as a last resort. It’s as if we’re saying, “Even if the government allows this, how could you? Didn’t your parents teach you better?”Shame feels like a last resort, the sign of a system that is straining to define unacceptable behavior and hold people accountable for it. To my mind, the rise of public shaming is a response to a watershed moment of rapid social changes: * wealth and power being concentrated with the elite who evade accountability (*cough* Epstein Files *cough)* increasing distrust in institutions* the breakdown of local communities (which can offer context to a person’s actions)* the power the internet confers on the masses* quickly shifting social moresThis results in a sort of mob justice which sometimes gets it right but frequently lacks nuance and can cause real harm.Oh, and once you’ve been shamed there’s no agreed upon path back. The local communities and institutions who might’ve once offered a way for you to redeem yourself no longer have the authority to do so, and the internet never forgets.I was listening to Ezra Klein interview the wonderful Priya Parker this week when she brought up this lack of ability to repair. Paraphrasing a student who had committed campus sexual assault, Parker said, “There is no place for me to go. There is no place for me to come back to. Do you want me to commit suicide?”Don’t get me wrong, sexual assault is a serious crime that causes grave harm. Far too often, perpetrators are never held accountable. This causes further harm to their victims and to our communities as a whole when such behavior is normalized and even expected.All that is true, and I would venture that a perpetrator committing suicide is not the remedy we would advocate for. Indeed, such a “solution” speaks to the selfish side of shame that focuses on the perpetrator’s emotional state rather than centering the victim’s needs.This focus is, I think, one of the key differences between shame and accountability. Are we centering our own feelings, or are we putting our victim’s needs ahead of our own by humbling ourselves and making amends? While some crimes may not be reparable, it’s laudable when people show remorse, change their behavior, and take steps to making amends that satisfy their victims.As a culture, we need to normalize screwing up and apologizing. We need to be willing to sit with those we’ve harmed and witness their hurt. We need to reflect deeply on why we harmed them and take steps to change. How would it look for our culture to embrace this kind of accountability? Maybe it would look like A.A. and other 12-step programs which encourage people to take inventory of their misdeeds and share them with at least one other trusted person. Having done one such 4th step inventory, I can admit that it is a process that begins in terror and ends in relief: the worst thing you’ve ever done? Yeah, you’re not the only one. Shame cannot survive this sort of disclosure. Of course, taking personal accountability is a lot easier than injecting accountability into a broken system. But I have hope that this season of political madness will end, our present injustices will be exposed, and their perpetrators will face accountability. It may seem far off, but history offers us examples: the Nuremberg Trials, South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission regarding the residential school system. I have faith that things done in darkness eventually come to light. As always, I welcome your thoughts in the comments or via email. * Are we in an epidemic of shame? Or an epidemic of shamelessness?* What’s the impact of powerful narcissists like Trump on our national shame level?* How can we agree on what’s shame-worthy during a time of massive cultural upheaval?* Where do you see models of repentance and repair?* Should we start a movement to Make America Apologize Again? BONUS MATERIALS:* check out Stephanie Alter Jones’ TWO awesome Substacks: What Magic? and Late to Lament* a book that keeps coming up is Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s spectacular On Repentance and Repair* I also love Priya Parker’s Group Life Substack and Instagram. Here’s a hilarious gathering video from the latter:Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

“Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” …Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.”-Brené Brown, PhDDon’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan. I sobbed through the end of her Netflix special. Brown has done amazing work bringing the vocabulary of emotions to the masses and demonstrating the power of vulnerability.But while I find her to be a winning and gifted communicator, I don’t think she’s entirely right about shame, and I worry about how the above definition impacts our ability to form communities.Brown has described us as living in an “epidemic” of shame. She points out the negative health outcomes associated with people who exhibit high levels of shame, including depression, eating disorders, and suicide.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.In a way, I agree—we’re living in an era defined by shame. But is it an over proliferation of shame? There I’m not so sure. It feels like many good people are feeling too much shame while others (including many in power) are completely shameless.Speaking for the anti-shame side, let’s look at social media shaming. Sometimes necessary, as in the Weinstein case. But there are a fair number of folks out here catching strays. (Remember that white teen who went to prom in a Chinese-style prom dress?) Public shame is a clumsy cudgel, flattening context and often leveling behaviors several magnitudes apart. Too often it’s cancel first, investigate later.Shame doesn’t feel good, and so it’s perhaps natural that we don’t want to inflict it on others. That’s very “love your neighbor,” right? Plus, shame can be such an overwhelming emotion that it triggers defensiveness rather than sober reflection.On the other hand, I have a creeping feeling that our anti-shame movement can be detrimental to community building. That’s because shame has a social aspect. Psychology Today puts it this way:“Shame makes people behave in ways that allow them to co-exist with others, and it makes people adhere to cultural norms and laws. In that way, occasional shame isn’t always a bad thing. Shame can foster humility and teach people about boundaries; without healthy shame, we would have no way to understand how our behavior affects others and manage it.”(Emphasis mine.)Shame is the threat that certain behaviors will lead to social exclusion and ostracization. It’s saying, “This behavior is outside the bounds of our group. You cannot keep doing this and still belong with us.”I fear that our hyper-individualistic society prioritizes individual comfort over group safety. When working in schools, I’ve seen parents who insist their kids should be able to do things like yell in hallways or run around the classroom if they feel like it, failing to imagine the impact such behavior has on other students or the learning environment as a whole.And while Trump and his ilk are in a different stratosphere of shamelessness than your average helicopter parent, I do think both come from a worldview that prioritizes the self far above the group as a whole. Trump cheated on each of his wives? Was best friends with a pedophile? Has been convicted of 34 felonies? Who cares? #winningDon’t get me wrong, shaming others is the nuclear option. There’s something primal about this threat; it triggers some ancient, evolutionary reaction which equates social isolation with death.But as harsh as it may be, I’m hesitant to label shame as inherently “toxic.” We need some mechanism for enforcing boundaries in a group. Is there a loving way to hold people accountable and avoid triggering shame? What about overcoming our own shame?So, in this month famous for Valentine’s Day and Seasonal Depression, I want to look at shame. Here are some questions I have. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. I also love to hear your recommendations on things to read, watch, listen to, etc!* Are we in an epidemic of shame? Or an epidemic of shamelessness?* What’s the impact of powerful narcissists like Trump on our national shame level?* Is there a connection, as Brown says, between low-self-worth and shame?* Does “healthy shame” exist? Is it different than guilt?* How can we agree on what’s shame-worthy during a time of massive cultural upheaval?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

On Monday, when I sat down to plan out my week, it all felt a little pointless. What good is my measly writing in the face of government goons murdering citizens in the streets? Is anyone going to show up to my meeting about racially segregated schools while ICE is abducting people? It feels like there’s no point in meal planning or going to the gym in the face of state-sponsored terror.After the horrifying murder of Alex Pretti, anything I could do feels impossibly small. Nonviolence and community care seem inadequate to the task of preserving democracy for our children. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Trump, like a all wannabe authoritarians, manufactures emergencies. Fear is his preferred method of manipulation—he creates a problem (a so-called “migrant crisis”) then manufactures a solution (violent, often illegal deportations) all while distracting and dividing the American public from the things most of us actually care about (affordability, the Epstein Files.) Like a skilled magician, he controls us by keeping us focused on whatever latest threat he’s dangling before us.That’s not to say the threats aren’t real. We’ve seen the videos. We know that innocent people have lost their lives. But how do we respond in the face of such constructed emergencies? It feels like I’m walking a tightrope—on one side, there’s hopelessness and terror, on the other denial. Surely, things can’t be that bad, right? Probably people are overreacting and our government is still trustworthy??Part of the problem with Trump is that he is basically a chocolate bunny—all surface, hollow on the inside. He is not animated by personal integrity, morality, or any coherent system of values (other than his own greed.) He seems incapable of self-reflection or even testing his ideas beyond their ability to draw cheers at rallies. To avoid being sucked into his madness, we need to go within ourselves and connect with our own sense of integrity/values/purpose. And that’s because fighting back is tough. It’s inconvenient to boycott, to show up at rallies, to try and organize a motley crew of neighbors into a safety watch. But knowing our cause is just gives meaning to any suffering we may undertake. What is our cause, or purpose, here? We may define it differently, but I want to offer up two images that have been helpful to me.The first comes, incidentally, from The White Lotus. When wealthy patriarch, Timothy Ratliff, asks a Buddhist monk what happens when we die, the monk replies:“When you’re born, you’re like a single drop of water, flying upward, separated from the one, giant consciousness. You get older, you descend back down. You die, you land back into the water, become one with the ocean again. No more separated, no more suffering, one consciousness. Death is a happy return, like coming home.”The second, what is referred to in Christianity as “The Greatest Commandment,” is its complement. For me, thinking of ourselves as part of one great consciousness has breathed new life into Jesus’ commands to love God (or we could say the One Consciousness) with all our hearts and to love others as ourselves. Because while our hyper-competitive, macho, capitalist society tells us to look out for ourselves, the road to wisdom is being able to look into the eyes of someone who’s very different from you and see your shared worth.Alex Pretti’s final actions were to shield a woman from the border patrol agent who was trying to pepper spray her. That’s love in action. In these troubling times, this is the challenge: to neither turn away from the suffering of others, nor to let it consume us. To hold onto our purpose and let it sustain us. To resist using violence or dehumanizing language towards our enemies. To continue to exercise and call our friends and eat our veggies in and among our emergency preparations. To know we will mess up, and to try and fail and try again.In the prophetic words of Dr. King, “If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving."May we keep crawling towards a more just world.BONUS MATERIALS:* if you’re in Washington State, WAISN is worth supporting* looking for rapid response teams in other parts of the country? Check it out here* for a much-needed laugh break, this and thisHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

I have prided myself on my ability to put my head down and get on with business, despite all the chaos of the Trump administration. I knew my lane and I stayed in it, trying to let go of what I could not control. But this week, the heaviness of our political reality has felt inescapable. Undoubtedly, I have been naive. I’ve indulged in the fantasy of a modern-day French resistance without ever really grappling with what that resistance cost. (I blame A French Village, which affords its main characters plenty of plot armor.) But witnessing the rampaging cruelty of ICE agents in Minneapolis has stripped away my illusions of safety. My naivety comes with a heavy side of privilege. Middle-class white women like me are typically seen as non-threatening and are often treated respectfully by law enforcement. I know my Black and brown neighbors often aren’t afforded that same benefit of the doubt. Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Logically, I knew that this kind of government-sanctioned brutality happened, but I hadn’t experienced the fear of it in my body until I saw my fellow wine moms reporting how they’d been groped, beaten, and detained simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.None of this is by accident. Intimidation is the whole plan. Trump is a bully who can only rule by coercion and fear. This administration wants people like me to look at the murder of Renee Good and see that the cost of resistance is simply too high. But then I remember purpose. Why am I here on earth? Is it simply to preserve my own life for as long as possible? To maximize my material comforts, even if it means shutting the door while my neighbors suffer? Or am I here to be part of a community? Am I here to point my life towards something bigger than myself? Will I struggle towards ideals I can never achieve, even if it means failing, again and again?Is there beauty in that struggle?In the midst of all this fear and grappling, I remembered one of my favorite poems:“Choose Something Like a Star,” by Robert Frost:O Star (the fairest one in sight),We grant your loftiness the rightTo some obscurity of cloud –It will not do to say of night,Since dark is what brings out your light.Some mystery becomes the proud.But to be wholly taciturnIn your reserve is not allowed.Say something to us we can learnBy heart and when alone repeat.Say something! And it says “I burn.”But say with what degree of heat.Talk Fahrenheit, talk Centigrade.Use language we can comprehend.Tell us what elements you blend.It gives us strangely little aid,But does tell something in the end.And steadfast as Keats’ Eremite,Not even stooping from its sphere,It asks a little of us here.It asks of us a certain height,So when at times the mob is swayedTo carry praise or blame too far,We may choose something like a starTo stay our minds on and be staid.(Emphasis mine.) Like our mysterious star, much remains unknown. We can’t say, for sure, where ICE will show up, whether the courts will be able to constrain them, whether things will get worse. That uncertainty is hard to live with. But I also know that when fear comes, the thing to do is take an action, no matter how small. Without going into too much detail publicly, I’ll say that groups are organizing and plans are being made to help keep our neighborhood safe. As a friend in Minneapolis told me this week, we can’t wait for outside forces to save us. We will have to count on each other. We can’t know for sure whether our actions will end up making a difference. Everyone must tally the cost and be prepared to pay it. But I believe fixing our gaze on something higher than ourselves can give us strength to bear those costs. Bonus Materials:* this encouraging post by Heather Cox Richardson* I still think you should watch A French Village* for the Christians among us, I’m also finding this devotional book helpfulHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever read a book that has you questioning your whole personality? Like, there you were, thinking yourself a unique individual, only to have some random author read you for filth?This happened to me, recently, when I came across the following two books: For those who haven’t gone as far down the self-help rabbit hole, “fawning” is the most recent addition to the Four Fs of Trauma Response:* fight* flight* freeze* fawnPsychologist Pete Walker coined the term, describing it as “a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.” It’s being submissive and cute, giggling when you actually feel terrified. It’s probably the origin of fundie baby voice.Fawners disconnect from our own needs to merge with the whims of a more powerful person. It’s a response common in people who grew up in volatile, abusive households. We’re great at reading rooms and terrible at reading ourselves.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.I’ve known for a long time that fawning was my primary response to stress, but only in reading these books did I realize how pervasive this trauma response was in my behaviors and desires. When I think about my pie-in-the sky dreams about writing, service work, or parenting, at the root of much of it is a desire for approval. Has fawning become my entire personality? How much of my life is simply following a script I picked up in childhood?At least I’m not alone in my reliance on autopilot. Recent research estimates that 65% of daily human behavior is performed simply out of habit rather than by conscious choice. Anyone who’s had a loved one with memory loss can testify to how often people repeat the same conversations (and even jokes!) word-for-word. Even given that habits are a big part of getting through the day, I don’t want my life to be governed by trauma responses. I want to access my “higher self” and choose my behaviors. We could call this living intentionally, which is annoying thing yoga teachers say, but, nonetheless, has moral validity.If intentionality is the countervailing force to reactivity, maybe “purpose” is the north star that all those intentions are steering towards? Or does the word “purpose” necessitate a creator making each human with one specific job in mind? I reject the idea that we each have one, singular purpose in life—we’re human beings, not steak knives. But I also know that one tension of being human is that we want to be loved unconditionally AND we also want to be of use to our community. After all, one thing that’s come up in the “boys are in trouble” discourse during the past few years is how many young men feel useless—our tech-charged consumer culture pushes them towards irresponsibility and pleasure-seeking, but they paradoxically need to feel needed by their communities. We all do!So, if we’re to take the black-and-white, hellfire god out of the equation, maybe it would look like this:Purpose = Values (or Ideals) + Being Useful to the Community + Deep JoyThoughts?By the way, I loved reading your comments from last week. You guys are so smart! The big takeaways for me were:* y’all hate Rick Warren with the fire of a thousand suns* many of you tend to focus more on living by a set of values than purpose* I need to read Martin Luther on vocationAs always, I’d love to hear what you think. Do you like my “purpose” equation? How do you orient yourself towards your values? What’s your North Star? Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

It’s 2026 and I feel completely unprepared. What is this year? What are we doing? After entertaining my kids all through Christmas break, I could use a vacation. But while I’d rather be hibernating and procrasti-baking, life continues apace!In this time of new year’s resolutions and grand plans, I’ve been thinking about purpose—as in, do we all have one? Just one? And who gets to decide such a thing? Answers were simpler before I deconstructed my faith. When I was confirmed, I had to recite answers to the Westminster Catechism including this exchange:Q: “What is the chief end of man?”A: “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”Even as an eager-to-please 11-year-old, this answer struck me as fishy. Didn’t people spend their whole lives trying to figure out the meaning of life? Was I just supposed to accept the Westminster Catechism at face value and never seek out the answers for myself? Then, as now, that was very much NOT MY VIBE.Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.As I grew older and entered into more Evangelical spaces, capital-P Purpose got further dumbed down. There were worship songs and ranting prayers about being “tools for God” and letting God “use” us. Being used by God was, in that worldview, the best-case scenario. In my Calvinist upbringing, we were taught that humans were inherently evil and incapable of doing good. Ergo, the only way to escape this cycle of evil was to hollow oneself out, become a mere vessel for the will of God. And since we were inherently evil, our intuition couldn’t be trusted; joy was suspect. We couldn’t count on our own feelings to point us towards purpose! Instead, we ought to obey a higher calling—whatever that was. Obedience was the only way to be safe, and suffering was evidence of a job well done. It’s a black-and-white, all-or-nothing kind of life, either you’re following God’s mysterious plan for your life (probably to become a missionary) or risking his wrath. It’s telling that, in no other relationship, would we be okay with this kind of rhetoric. Imagine your friend was dating a guy who repeatedly told her she was evil and couldn’t do anything right. Imagine she tells you that her only desire is to be “used” by him. We would call that abuse.I know all this, and yet, it’s hard to un-learn this “I’m a piece of shit” theology. When I ask questions about purpose, is it out of fear of an angry god? Or is it just the garden-variety imposter syndrome of a middle-aged freelancer? So, this month I want to look at Purpose:* Does everyone have a purpose?* If so, do we have one purpose, or many?* Who determines that purpose? If it’s us, how do we know it’s a good one?* Is believing in purpose just an anxiety response?* Or is seeking purpose an innate desire to connect with something higher/outside of ourselves?* How do you know if you’re fulfilling your purpose?* Should I read Rick Warren’s best-selling The Purpose-Driven Life and report back?I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this—via email, text, or the comments section. What should I be reading/listening to/thinking about re: purpose?Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

We’re in that odd spot in the calendar, the week between Christmas and New Year’s. The excitement of Christmas has faded but the kids are still out of school and many adults (such as myself) are kicking around the house feeling like we ought to be doing something, but what?I used to dread this post-Christmas break, but in recent years, I’ve actually started to look forward to it. Partly this is due to my kids being older and needing less rainy day entertainment from me, but I also have come to think of this week as a time to check-in and reset.So, while the world is quieter and life feels slower, I’d love to hear your ideas for what to do in this post-Christmas lull. Do you have a favorite New Year’s ritual? How do you relax and recharge? Let’s crowdsource our ideas in the comment section below! I’ll kick us off with some of my favorite activities for this time of year.* Rest without guilt: hey you! You’re a mammal, right? And you know what many mammals do this time of year? Hibernate! The human version may look like eating leftovers on the couch while watching sappy movies. Embrace the term “Dead Week” and resist the urge to be productive. That’s some next-week energy.* Prep work: Yeah, I know I just advocated resting. Feel free to opt out of this one, but, if you’re type-A like me, you know the deepest relaxation comes when you feel prepared. What would make you feel like you’re ready the next season? Is it swapping out your warm weather clothes from the closet? Doing a big meal plan and compiling a grocery list? Personally, I love to do a closet purge right after Christmas and ogle the storage stuff at The Container Store while fantasizing about how organized I will be in the new year. A girl can dream, right?* Reflection time: Maybe this means taking a yoga class or doing a “first day hike.” Maybe it’s journaling or pulling some tarot cards. Can you take some time to give yourself credit for all that you accomplished last year with a reverse to-do list? Instead of trying to shame ourselves into changing via new year’s resolutions, how about coming up with a “word of the year” that reflects how you want to show up in 2026? * Coziness: what are the things that would help you enjoy the dark and cold? Candles or twinkle lights? Big sweaters and blankets? A lasagna in the oven or a stew on the stovetop? Planning a board game or movie night? * Witchy Stuff: I’m pretty new to this, but I’m enjoying trying out rituals from various Instagram witches. Will you bury a piece of bread in the ground to call forth abundance in the new year? Maybe burn some rosemary? Now it’s your turn, how are you celebrating “Dead Week”? Share your ideas and wishes in the comments.BONUS MATERIALS:* this hilarious vid for those of you contemplating The Artist’s Way this new year* a little inspo from Joseph YooHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Hi, I’m back. It’s been odd, not writing to you weekly this fall, even as launching and serializing my novel have been huge, bucket-list items for me.I’m looking forward to getting back into this weekly rhythm, even though it is CHRISTMAS and I am a MOM, so I’m also staring down a to-do list a mile long and my husband and I are having to engage quantum physics to coordinate logistics for all our kids’ activities and, on top of all that I CAN’T FIND MY TRANSIT CARD!!?! (Seriously, where is it???)I am a Christmas-lover, I want to decorate and party and wrap gifts while drinking a festive cocktail under the glow of my Christmas tree. I want to embrace the coziness and make magical memories and pass on traditions to my kids. AND YET, life is continuing to life.I think of this as the Hallmark Christmas problem:Complicated Family Relationships + Sky-High Expectations + “Mandatory” Traditions + Added Expenses + The Same 24 Hours in a Day = Guaranteed DisappointmentNobody in a Hallmark movie ever has to deal with their packages getting delivered to the wrong house or a hormonal tween who suddenly HATES decorating the Christmas tree and thinks it is SO CRINGE, MOM!!!(No shade to those of you who love these movies—I know plenty of people who like them because they are unrealistic.)But even apart from all the stresses of this time of year, part of me wonders if it’s even right to celebrate when there are so many awful things going on in the world.I mean, we have our share of tragedies: ICE raids, Trump chaos, Gazans living in flooded refugee camps…I could go on! Here in western Washington, many folks are suffering huge losses from ongoing floods.Are we just supposed to pretend the bad stuff isn’t happening? Sometimes it feels like a single negative emotion wanders through your brain in December you are FAILING AT CHRISTMAS.This is where the picture-perfect fantasy Christmas falls short: life isn’t beautiful because it’s flawless, it’s the flaws that make us appreciate the beauty. Is it disappointing that my kid refused to participate in tree decorating? Sure. And also, I wouldn’t trade my sarcastic, cantankerous tween for any wide-eyed Hallmark tyke.So, instead of micromanaging Christmas magic, this year I’m going to try:* Setting my expectations lower: no, however low you’re thinking, lower than that.* Not running from negativity: embrace the parts of Christmas that just suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I’m looking at you, 8-hour drive on I-90.* Prioritizing: pick a few things that matter most to you and your family over being pressured to adhere to “traditions.” And yes, this will cause drama. Stay strong!Am I arguing for Depressing Christmas? Not exactly. Instead, I propose a holiday season that holds space for the “and-ness,” of life as I like to call it: life is beautiful and horrible, funny and sad; it’s absurd and it makes sense. I wrote about experiencing this and-ness watching the sunrise the morning after my brother died.Interestingly enough, the OG Christmas story has plenty of darkness: accusations of infidelity, difficult travels, and, oh yeah, a massacre of babies. It’s a far cry from the sanitized version that’s so often printed on Christmas cards.Or, to put it in less religious terms: sometimes I think we get so focused on the candles and Christmas lights that we look past the (metaphorical and literal) darkness of this season. But ignoring the darkness doesn’t make our holidays brighter. Only embracing the duality of the season will do that: life is beautiful and hard. Christmas is magical and disappointing. People are hurting and still I can feel joy.Wishing you all and beautiful, hard, real holiday season.Questions: What holiday traditions would you like to let go of? What are you looking forward to? What are you grieving this holiday season? Also, WHERE IS MY TRANSIT CARD???BONUS MATERIALS:* in case you missed a chapter during the Manly Man of God inbox deluge, here’s the completed Table of Contents, with links to all the chapters!* friend of the ‘stack, Jen Zug is hosting a Safe Space to Complain About Holiday Overwhelm! Join us!* I’m typically a “classics only” Christmas music person, but this music video was too funny (and real!) to pass upHeretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

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Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Dearest listener,This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Thanks for listening this installment! If you enjoyed this post, let others know about it by clicking the “heart” button, leaving a comment, or sharing!It's our Black Friday sale! Buy the Kindle edition of Manly Man of God for ONLY $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99! Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

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Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

AUTHOR’S NOTE:This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.Missed a previous part? Find the TABLE OF CONTENTS here!KassandraHad I been the type that believed in the providence of an omnipotent God, I would have thanked Him for my accidental stumble into Brodie’s room the week before. I would’ve thanked God that Brodie was the trusting type who left his passwords on yellow sticky notes next to his desk. And I definitely would’ve thanked God for page 164 of Manly Man of God: Reclaiming God’s Biblical Mandate for Men & Women, wherein Keith detailed a fight he’d had on RenFor, including his so-called “secret” username.But I didn’t believe in God, nor any sort of divine plan. The universe doesn’t care about me or you or anyone. It’s plain to see—look at the people living in mansions and look at the people cleaning those mansions and know that there is little we can do to control the course of our lives. Some people are lucky, or privileged, or unhobbled by empathy and willing to exploit others. I have little privilege compared to Keith, but I have something he doesn’t have: a compulsion to bring him to justice.Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.On the bus, in class, at home, even while walking, I worked my way through Keith’s odious oeuvre. And that was how I found Keith’s username: Bible_Beater. Narcissists love to tell on themselves.I spread my treasures before me—Drexler’s memory stick, the yellow sticky note with Brodie’s username and password, and the dogeared book—before beginning the job.Despite Drexler’s help, I was no hacker. I didn’t know how the RenFor platform operated. I suspected it would be possible for both Brodie and me to sign in on the same account on different devices, but if he saw my account activity while we were both signed in, the jig would be up.With his username (Surfboard_Moses, password: stud1990) I logged on. A white screen opened, displaying forum threads under different headings along with options to private message and search.Gripped by curiosity, I input Keith’s username into the search field. “Bible_Beater” popped up in yellow highlighter all over the forum and in every thread about his sermons. Of course. I clicked the entry called “Latest Sermon.”Mod_1: Discussion thread for the week’s sermon. This week Pastor K explained the 4th commandment, “Remember the Sabbath Day by keeping it holy.” Exodus 20:8–11. Please review community discussion guidelines and remember to tell the truth in love.There were over two hundred comments. Skimming, I realized they fell into three categories: breathless praise of everything Keith had ever done, people showing off their holiness, and a minority with genuine questions, which were generally dismissed with extreme prejudice. Bible_Beater’s nastiness surprised me, he repeatedly mocked his dissenters, calling them everything from “thickheaded” to “retarded pussies!”More convinced than ever of the goodness of my cause, I inserted Drexler’s memory stick into the laptop. I held my breath as I extracted its only file, fighting to steady my finger on the mouse pad. In another window I opened a private message to Keith.Surfboard_Moses: Hi Pastor,Saw your username in a book. Hope that’s okay. Just wanted to show you what I saw today!-BrodieEmbedding the file in the message, I took a deep breath and hit send. I’d done my part, snapping a photo of a flyer for Renewal’s upcoming rally, “The Greatest Gift of All.” Drexler had taken that photo and embedded a keylogger. If everything worked like it was supposed to, Keith would open the photo and unwittingly download the virus, which would then transmit his keystrokes to Drexler. We would capture all his data, including passwords and credit card information.My stomach growled. When was the last time I had eaten? Probably that gas station breakfast burrito during my morning break at Fringe.A sound echoed in my mind: the clank of a plate being set on our old kitchen table, Maria pushing it in front of me with a single finger until the scent of Easy Mac finally seized my attention from whatever I was reading. I didn’t have a father, barely had a mother, but I’d had her.There were things I didn’t eat or drink anymore, places I didn’t go, music I didn’t listen to. It was hard enough keeping myself together without these memories clobbering me.I dumped some Rice-a-Roni into a pot and was opening a bottle of beer when my laptop pinged. Forgetting my drink, I sprinted to the futon.Bible_Beater: Hey Brodie, looks great! Blessings, KeithNearly tripping over a pile of shoes at the end of the futon, I pumped my fists, engaging in a ridiculous, silent dance. My Rice-a-Roni hissed and boiled over. I removed it from the burner, ignoring the burned bits glued to my filthy stovetop.Logging off, I fired off a celebratory text to Drexler. “He opened it! How long will it take?”“It depends on him,” Drexler responded.“Please please please let me know as soon as you get anything that looks like email access.”“Watch what you say on your phone. I’ll let you know how it goes ;)”I rolled my eyes. Looking around my filthy apartment, I began to take stock of everything I’d been neglecting while hunting through Keith’s stupid books: the laundry, the dishes, the trash, and my studies.Pouring myself that forgotten pot of Rice-a-Roni, I settled in to reading Marquandt’s Introduction to Database Management. Calling it dry would be the understatement of the century. SQL servers, “business intelligence,” “integrating parameters,” “what is our data optimization strategy?” I could give a shit. I was tired of hair salons, that’s all. Everyone in Seattle who had nice things seemed to work in tech.“Optimization . . . “ Marquandt’s text stated in bold. “Visualization . . . best practices . . .”I woke up with the textbook page stuck to my face, an undignified string of drool puddling on the slick paper. Disoriented, I tried to remember why I was here, on the futon. I grabbed for my phone. It was three a.m.“Bingo! [email protected] pass: 01-30-15,” Drexler texted.Curiosity tempered my excitement. It looked like a date: January 30th, 2015. What had happened eight months ago?I logged on to Renewal’s website and typed in Keith’s login info, crossing my fingers that they wouldn’t have two-step authentication. But Renewal didn’t seem to be very concerned with cybersecurity. Without additional fanfare I was directed to Keith’s swollen inbox.There were hundreds of emails. I blinked the sleep from my eyes and scrolled over to the sent box. He had just sent something—the recipients were the other six pastors who made up Renewal’s board.“We NEED an additional meeting this Monday to go over this quarter’s financials, esp THE GLOBAL FUND. THIS Mon, 11am. BE PREPARED TO DISCUSS CUTBACKS. There are no sacred cows. THIS IS MISSION CRITICAL. -K”So Keith was writing emails in the middle of the night. Was Renewal in dire financial straits? Odd, considering how many members it boasted and Keith’s ten percent tax.None of the other recent sent mail looked interesting. In the search field I typed “Maria.” Seven hundred emails. “Maria Hernandez”—no results. I rubbed my nose and began working my way through all the Marias, starting at the beginning. After an hour’s reading, I’d made it to 2007. No mention of my sister anywhere. Keith spoke at her funeral; surely there would be some record, some correspondence discussing the death and funeral arrangements.My superpower was telling me something was amiss—Keith must have deleted all the emails pertaining to Maria’s death. Why? Had he admitted his culpability?Frozen before my computer, I knew I ought to go to bed. It wasn’t good for me to forgo sleep. I’d be a wreck, but I couldn’t turn it off. I searched “suicide,” “medication,” and “funeral.” Nothing.Maria would never kill herself; it wasn’t in her nature. She said she was going to get her degree, and so she would. Nobody at our high school was surprised that she not only graduated at the top of her class but got into UW on a full-ride. She was smart, sure, but more than that, she was tireless. Suicide didn’t make sense, but nobody else seemed to see that, not the police, not our family. To them, it was like order had been restored, the damaged daughter of a broken home died a damaged death. They didn’t know her.On a whim, I typed “MH” into the search field. One email came up, from Pastor Mike to Pastor Keith. It was a single sentence.“Simon’s scrubbed the sermon archives for anything related to MH. We’re clear.”Thanks for reading this installment! If you enjoyed this post, let others know about it by clicking the “heart” button, leaving a comment, or sharing!Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe

Tired of waiting for the next installment? Get the Kindle edition only for $4.99! Or, if you want a hard copy, order a paperback from Ingram Spark (international shipping available.)Heretic Hereafter presents "Manly Man of God" is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Heretic Hereafter at heretichereafter.substack.com/subscribe