I'm back... I think! The willingness to be willing EP 114

Willingness!  Willingness seems to be the answer to all things.  Because willingness hasn't been coming so easily for me lately, I've been praying for the willingness to be willing.  This was a piece of advice given to me in my early sobriety to combat resistance.  Often, I experience boatloads of resistance around that which I say I desire. In other words, even though I say I want something, my actions often don’t reflect it. For example, I want to feel calmer, more trusting of the process, and embrace the moment, good and bad.  So I tell myself, in order to feel that way I'll need to pray, meditate, make meetings, work out, and eat healthier.  Do I do any of it?  Maybe some, maybe not at all, maybe even for a substantial length of time like 3 to 6 months.  However, do the habits stick?  Hell no!  The insidious thing about it all is, I have the skills to make you think I'm doing all the right things to live in the moment, yet I'm really just trying to self-will what I want to happen. I'm trying to think my way through life and into the solutions "I think" I desire. Put another way, I try to wrestle joy and satisfaction out of life at all costs.  You know, manage, manipulate, and control, in a good way, LOL! I am baffled at how much I resist finishing things or simply just getting started.  I love talking about "doing" but I don't love when it comes time to "do."  I hang my hat on, why do something today when I can just as easily do it tomorrow.  The thing that is becoming more and more apparent to me is, there is something deep within me that loves the chaos.  It thrives on the uneasiness, unmanageability, and shame associated with not living up to my own expectations.  I'm not unique in this struggle.  Many people, in one way or another, experience resistance, struggle, and challenges in life.  The question is, how do you deal with it all?  Do you drink, use substances, eat, distract, spend, pleasure, avoid, serve, lament, freeze, work, overdo it, obsess about perfection, hide, make checklists, rage, get super passive, control, clean, organize, study, start another course, or join another group? The funny thing about this topic is, our symptoms are often different but the roots are the same... restlessness, irritability, insecurity, uncertainty, low self-worth, doubt, and anything else you want to fill in the blank with. Often, the answers are the same, do you more for your relationship with God and pray for the willingness to make the changes you desire. The rest will fall into place.